"I don't want a serious relationship"?

[emby]

I've posted before about my breakup but this is more about the relationship itself...

My ex and I are both 20, him in his first year at uni and me in my second, both studying (ie majoring) in the same subject. We met at the end of his first week at uni and pretty much started dating after that. I think about 2 weeks later, he asked me out and we made it official.

Now, I said to him several times 'it's your first year, I don't expect you to want to get into a relationship with me yet' and he said 'I knew I'd meet someone special at uni but I didn't think it would be this soon'. Despite this, he still made the move to make it into a proper relationship. He had been single for around 2 years, including on a gap year around the world, so I thought he was probably ready for a relationship.

 

October and November were brilliant. 2 of the best months of my life! Then come December and we started having a few arguments because of my jealousy and his female friends. We have a phone conversation and he says he wants to break up. I stupidly say 'but I think I'm falling for you'. Suddenly conversation changes and he's willing to give me a chance to not be a jealous girlfriend, but he says he doesn't want a serious relationship, and doesn't want to fall in love again (after being heartbroken a few years ago). I thought this was a bit weird because you can't help falling in love, but dismissed it and we carried on with the relationship. In my mind, we WERE in a serious relationship...it was exclusive, we spent a lot of time together, we'd met each others friends and parents...

 

Over the next few months we had another couple of arguments which would include him saying he wanted to end it, and also 'I don't want a serious relationship'. Yet he'd always stay. He'd change his mind by the next day. One day I asked him what he'd meant by this and he just asked me 'Well, do you think this will last forever?' I said I don't really expect that from any relationships but I still thought it was a weird thing to ask. Like, how did he know it couldn't last forever? Did he mean he wasn't ready to find the person he would settle down with??

 

End of February he ends it with me, crying, because he wants the freedom and lack of responsibility of being single. We spend a week apart and get back together for a week, until finally breaking up on Wednesday because he doesn't want a relationship still.

 

Thinking back...maybe 'I don't want a serious relationship' should have been a red flag. I just dismissed it because I FELT loved, and like I was in a serious relationship, and I was happy. I can't really understand why he pursued, entered and remained in a relationship if he didn't want one!

I have so many questions to ask him, but I can't, so I have to ask you lovely LSers.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I've posted before about my breakup but this is more about the relationship itself...

My ex and I are both 20, him in his first year at uni and me in my second, both studying (ie majoring) in the same subject. We met at the end of his first week at uni and pretty much started dating after that. I think about 2 weeks later, he asked me out and we made it official.

Now, I said to him several times 'it's your first year, I don't expect you to want to get into a relationship with me yet' and he said 'I knew I'd meet someone special at uni but I didn't think it would be this soon'. Despite this, he still made the move to make it into a proper relationship. He had been single for around 2 years, including on a gap year around the world, so I thought he was probably ready for a relationship.

 

October and November were brilliant. 2 of the best months of my life! Then come December and we started having a few arguments because of my jealousy and his female friends. We have a phone conversation and he says he wants to break up. I stupidly say 'but I think I'm falling for you'. Suddenly conversation changes and he's willing to give me a chance to not be a jealous girlfriend, but he says he doesn't want a serious relationship, and doesn't want to fall in love again (after being heartbroken a few years ago). I thought this was a bit weird because you can't help falling in love, but dismissed it and we carried on with the relationship. In my mind, we WERE in a serious relationship...it was exclusive, we spent a lot of time together, we'd met each others friends and parents...

 

Over the next few months we had another couple of arguments which would include him saying he wanted to end it, and also 'I don't want a serious relationship'. Yet he'd always stay. He'd change his mind by the next day. One day I asked him what he'd meant by this and he just asked me 'Well, do you think this will last forever?' I said I don't really expect that from any relationships but I still thought it was a weird thing to ask. Like, how did he know it couldn't last forever? Did he mean he wasn't ready to find the person he would settle down with??

 

End of February he ends it with me, crying, because he wants the freedom and lack of responsibility of being single. We spend a week apart and get back together for a week, until finally breaking up on Wednesday because he doesn't want a relationship still.

 

Thinking back...maybe 'I don't want a serious relationship' should have been a red flag. I just dismissed it because I FELT loved, and like I was in a serious relationship, and I was happy. I can't really understand why he pursued, entered and remained in a relationship if he didn't want one!

I have so many questions to ask him, but I can't, so I have to ask you lovely LSers.

Ask him who the new girl is. Sounds like he wanted sex. I hear this same song and dance all the time and I heard it when I was your age. After we were intimate, it went down hill. "I don't want a serious relationship; just not ready". but he was ready to start with someone else he had his eye on while he was hurting me. Sometimes a person will do things to get you to dump them so they can move on.

 

Sadly you won't' get straight answers from him.

[emby]

Ask him who the new girl is. Sounds like he wanted sex. I hear this same song and dance all the time and I heard it when I was your age. After we were intimate, it went down hill. "I don't want a serious relationship; just not ready". but he was ready to start with someone else he had his eye on while he was hurting me. Sometimes a person will do things to get you to dump them so they can move on.

 

Sadly you won't' get straight answers from him.

 

No new girl. Honest to God. I've asked him a million times if this has ever been about other girls and it's just not. I pretty much know everyone in his life, even every facebook friend. And yes like an idiot I did used to check his inbox messages. When we were broken up, he didn't so much as kiss anyone else.

We WERE in a relationship, it wasn't casual sex. If he wanted casual sex...he's at uni...he lives in a dorm room, he's a good looking guy, enough said. I even slept with him before he asked me out and when I was still telling him he didn't need to be in a relationship with me.

But I think he thought 'yeah, I like this girl, we can hang out and she can be my girlfriend' and I thought 'yeah, I like this guy, we can fall in love and be together for a really long time'.

[gibson]

When a man (in his case a boy) says "I don't want a serious relationship"... We are not kidding.

 

He is 20 and the last thing on his mind is finding or having a "forever" relationship.

 

This isn't complicated.

[BewitchedandBothered]

No new girl. Honest to God. I've asked him a million times if this has ever been about other girls and it's just not. I pretty much know everyone in his life, even every facebook friend. And yes like an idiot I did used to check his inbox messages. When we were broken up, he didn't so much as kiss anyone else.

We WERE in a relationship, it wasn't casual sex. If he wanted casual sex...he's at uni...he lives in a dorm room, he's a good looking guy, enough said. I even slept with him before he asked me out and when I was still telling him he didn't need to be in a relationship with me.

But I think he thought 'yeah, I like this girl, we can hang out and she can be my girlfriend' and I thought 'yeah, I like this guy, we can fall in love and be together for a really long time'.

 

oh...oh...epic mistake in sleeping with him before anything was established. He figured he could get some now any time he wanted. you got to close the barn door before giving the horse all the sugar, if you get what I'm saying.

 

too much too soon, too fast. fizzled out. He knew he could get it from you and now he wants out? it wasn't true love on his part; he sounds immature. You are too good for that.

[BewitchedandBothered]

When a man (in his case a boy) says "I don't want a serious relationship"... We are not kidding.

 

He is 20 and the last thing on his mind is finding or having a "forever" relationship.

 

This isn't complicated.

 

20 is just a boy. an immature boy with air in his head and a fire in his pants.

[emby]

oh...oh...epic mistake in sleeping with him before anything was established. He figured he could get some now any time he wanted. you got to close the barn door before giving the horse all the sugar, if you get what I'm saying.

 

too much too soon, too fast. fizzled out. He knew he could get it from you and now he wants out? it wasn't true love on his part; he sounds immature. You are too good for that.

 

Ok firstly...he's not a horny teenager! He wasn't with me for the sex. In fact, I'm more into sex than he is. I did most of the initating!

Also, I know it was stupid to sleep with him before a commitment, I never intended to and was very annoyed with myself.

The rest, I probably agree with.

 

Edit: It's funny because I always used to argue with him, saying clearly this is a serious relationship as opposed to a casual one. In my eyes there is 'casual sex' or 'committed relationship', full stop. But to him, there were varying degrees, like your girlfriend at the moment, or the girl you're going to marry. (Lol not that he ever wanted to get married or have kids with anyone, apparently...)

Edited March 17, 2012 by emby

[gibson]

Ok firstly...he's not a horny teenager! He wasn't with me for the sex. In fact, I'm more into sex than he is. I did most of the initating!

Also, I know it was stupid to sleep with him before a commitment, I never intended to and was very annoyed with myself.

The rest, I probably agree with.

 

Hahahaha!

 

"I don't want a serious relationship" = I am only interested in sex with you and whoever else will give it too me until you make it complicated or too much work.

 

He didn't love you and neither of you have a clue what love is. This was just infatuation and a short term fling.

 

If you think men (really boys) in your age bracket are not primarily interested in sex, you are going to be spending a lot of time on here sharing how the same thing happening too you.

[sweetheart5381]

Yep, mine did the same thing. He pursued me for months and once I finally went out with him and spent a few weekends together he wanted me to be his girlfriend immediately. He pushed and pushed, called himself "the real deal" (laughable in hindsight). I said that he didnt have to do that, I really dont care about having a relationship like that. He swore he wanted it so I said sure. I didnt plan on falling in love with him.

 

After we made it official and he showed me off to his friends (I am 10 yrs younger than him and consider myself to be attractive or so I am told) made it known to our co-workers, etc he started to cool off a bit. He stopped complimenting me, stopped pursuing me, etc. The shine wore off so to speak but he pushed to have his sexual desires fulfilled.

 

That's when he started saying "I don't want anything serious, keep it simple, keep it fun". He didnt like me to express emotion about anything. I told him at that time that we would be better off as FWBs in that case (I had not fallen completely then). He hooked me with the line "Oh no, I think we both want more than that." I fell hard for him after that, believing his bull****.

 

Ultimately, he made me feel loved until he knew I was hooked and he won the prize. He then jumped ship, off to find another trophy-winning fish.

 

Long story short, they are players.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Ok firstly...he's not a horny teenager! He wasn't with me for the sex. In fact, I'm more into sex than he is. I did most of the initating!

Also, I know it was stupid to sleep with him before a commitment, I never intended to and was very annoyed with myself.

The rest, I probably agree with.

 

Edit: It's funny because I always used to argue with him, saying clearly this is a serious relationship as opposed to a casual one. In my eyes there is 'casual sex' or 'committed relationship', full stop. But to him, there were varying degrees, like your girlfriend at the moment, or the girl you're going to marry. (Lol not that he ever wanted to get married or have kids with anyone, apparently...)

At that age, he is a walking, talking hormone.

[emby]

Hmmm. I really don't think anyone has got this right.

He was in a relationship because of his feelings for me.

Of course he is interested in sex.

Yet I have offered to be FwB each time I thought we were breaking up (sell out I know) but he has refused. His flatmates around him often have casual sex, one night stands, the lot. But he's not that guy. He was single for around 2 years and I think slept with 2 people, both were when he was on a gap year around the world. He had multiple opportunities to have no strings sex.

Sex was not the biggest part of our relationship, nor was there much emphasis on it. If I stayed at his and we didn't have sex, it wasn't a deal to him. Like I said before, I was the one who wanted it every day and he would be happy to have it 3 times a week for example (yet see me every day).

 

I know 'I don't want a serious relationship' sounds like 'I want casual sex', but it isn't. Believe me I have had guys who just wanted sex say that to me, though. This just never felt like a sex thing.

 

Oh and whoever said I don't know what love is, you don't know me. I loved someone for 2 and a half years in the past. I also love my ex, whether or not he loves me.

[gibson]

He was in a relationship because of his feelings for me.

 

Call me crazy... most people I know who have real "feelings" for someone last a lot longer than 3 or 4 months but whatever helps you sleep at night.

 

Oh and whoever said I don't know what love is, you don't know me. I loved someone for 2 and a half years in the past. I also love my ex, whether or not he loves me.

 

You are 20 and your version of love and the version of love you will have at 25, 30, 40 will be very different than what it is now.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Hmmm. I really don't think anyone has got this right.

He was in a relationship because of his feelings for me.

Of course he is interested in sex.

Yet I have offered to be FwB each time I thought we were breaking up (sell out I know) but he has refused. His flatmates around him often have casual sex, one night stands, the lot. But he's not that guy. He was single for around 2 years and I think slept with 2 people, both were when he was on a gap year around the world. He had multiple opportunities to have no strings sex.

Sex was not the biggest part of our relationship, nor was there much emphasis on it. If I stayed at his and we didn't have sex, it wasn't a deal to him. Like I said before, I was the one who wanted it every day and he would be happy to have it 3 times a week for example (yet see me every day).

 

I know 'I don't want a serious relationship' sounds like 'I want casual sex', but it isn't. Believe me I have had guys who just wanted sex say that to me, though. This just never felt like a sex thing.

 

Oh and whoever said I don't know what love is, you don't know me. I loved someone for 2 and a half years in the past. I also love my ex, whether or not he loves me.

You are in the denial stage right now; it is still a fresh wound and you are making excuses for him---he hurt you. he doesn't want a serious relationship all of a sudden? why? Was the relationship on a trial basis and he decided it wasn't for him? if so, you didn't get that memo, I guess.

 

He worded it nice so as not to hurt you. can we really "love" someone who doesn't love us back? what is there to love? food for thought. if a guy doesn't want me, I don't like him anymore. But maybe that is my age speaking. After a certain age, you learn to sift through the bull****.

[ThatDudeXO]

So he's a lad in the first year of university who doesn't want a serious relationship? That's pretty much your answer right there.

 

He just wants to have fun in the one year of his life he will most enjoy without having any real comittments, besides the studies. It doesn't necessarily he doesn't want to have lots of casual sex but he just wants to be free and he's not that into you.

 

Now I want you to read what I wrote in bold and stick it in your head. If he wants to leave, let him go. You are not compatible. He's made it clear he doesn't want to be with you so just let him go.

 

He's not right for you so just take some time off to clear your head and for gods sake you are at Uni! Go out and have some fun, stop waiting around for some boy!

[sweetheart5381]

So he's a lad in the first year of university who doesn't want a serious relationship? That's pretty much your answer right there.

 

He just wants to have fun in the one year of his life he will most enjoy without having any real comittments, besides the studies. It doesn't necessarily he doesn't want to have lots of casual sex but he just wants to be free and he's not that into you.

 

Now I want you to read what I wrote in bold and stick it in your head. If he wants to leave, let him go. You are not compatible. He's made it clear he doesn't want to be with you so just let him go.

 

He's not right for you so just take some time off to clear your head and for gods sake you are at Uni! Go out and have some fun, stop waiting around for some boy!

 

Pretty harsh XO... the bold letters really made it clear. Why not just put it in caps too? Why dont you lay on the rejection a little more for the OP. Do you not think she doesnt already feel it? Am sure she does, just like most of us here.

 

Guess what XO - Your ex isnt all that into you either, clearly, "stick in your head". Rejection hurts like bitch, you should know.

 

It's easy to give logical advice, when it isn't your heart that's broken.

[ThatDudeXO]

Pretty harsh XO... the bold letters really made it clear. Why not just put it in caps too? Why dont you lay on the rejection a little more for the OP. Do you not think she doesnt already feel it? Am sure she does, just like most of us here.

 

Guess what XO - Your ex isnt all that into you either, clearly, "stick in your head". Rejection hurts like bitch, you should know.

 

It's easy to give logical advice, when it isn't your heart that's broken.

 

Apologies for being harsh but I strongly believe someone as nice and loving as the OP shouldn't spend a another single second worrying about this boy. The harsher I am the sooner she realises this and move on.

 

I can relate to this because I have been that "not into serious relationships' boy before and I can guarantee you he doesn't spend as much time as OP thinking about the relationship. She deserves better, so the sooner she realises it, the better!

[Sugarkane]

I really loathe this excuse. Someone said this to me last year. And guess what? They were with someone else 5 minutes later. So much for "not wanting a rekationship". Good riddance.