ThatDudeXO Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 I've been reading a lot of breakup situations here on LS and the recurring reasons for a breakup of a steady and loyal relationship is indeed change. I'm not exactly an expert, I'm just like most of you reading this; heart-broken over a lost love who no longer loves me any more. The reason I'm posting this is because a lot of people have to realise that your loved ones personality can change and we need to be able to accept that a person we love can indeed change. This is mostly directed at first loves or young relationships where a change of personality is almost always the reason for the demise of a once happy relationship. When you're around the 19-25 years old mark you're personality is prone to changing dramatically as a result of maturity, the realisation of goals and who you want to be in the future or what ever reason you have developed. When people grow up, they can find themselves attracted of interested in things that are different to what they had before. The reason I'm posting this is because I sympathize with those who have lost someone they love as a result of change and I stress that you do not beat yourself up over it because there is nothing you can do about it. If you were a good boyfriend or girlfriend like myself but yet your significant other wants to end the relationship for a variety of BS reasons, it's because their new personality cannot allow them to stay in love with someone their old personality fell in love with. You can't hate them for it, nor can you hate yourself for it. That's life. An exaggerated comparison of such a loss is death because you feel like the person you fell in love with does not exist any more which is why I believe that the first thing you need to do when you realise your partner has changed is to delete them out of your life until you have moved on from them and keep bettering yourself, make yourself a much better person so that you can attract that one person who is right for you. Here's a short version of my breakup which will pretty much sound like yours: We had a healthy, loving relationship and we never cheated on each other. We were madly in love and often discussed marriage and kids. I bought her a ring to sympbolize our commitment to each other and from then on, it seemed like we'd be together forever. Almost 3 years in the relationship, a few days before our 22nd birthdays, she decides to break it off after an argument. Why? At first she gave a bunch of BS reasons but in the end I got it out of her that she is no longer in love with me and is not attracted to me. It turns out she wasn't happy for the last few months. She simply has changed. I guess my point is if the person you love dearly has changed, then don't bother chasing them up and begging them to come back because it simply won't happen. I wish I realised this earlier! If you text and they never reply, if you call and it's you making the most of the conversation or if it's you making the most effort to keep the conversation and friendship/relationship going then they are not the person you fell in love with. To all those broken hearts in simliar situations as to myself, don't beat yourself up over it, there is nothing you could have done to save the relationship, you need accept that such a change can happen to people close to you that can devastate you. Whether it's your first love or a young relationship much like I have described, if you're situation is similar it just means that you were not meant for each other. At first you may feel like you love them so much and want to be with them but you're actually in love with that the person they used to be.. So all you need to do is simply to grieve the loss, move on and find that person who is right for you. I simply believe, if the love is real, if you were meant to be then you will be together. You need to learn to be happy and enjoy being alone before you can be ready to truly fall in love. -- Don't hate or judge me, it's just what I feel and what the healing process has taught me with the help of the great advice of LS. Sometimes it's better to have some advice from a fellow broken hearted person than a healed, completely rational person! 6
Author ThatDudeXO Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 I agree completely but its so hard to accept. Yes, it's so hard in many ways when you over analyse it. It's so hard because they change while you still stay the same and leave you behind. I'm still trying my best to accept it, I spend so much time ever day trying to convince my heart to accept it while it just wants to reminisce of the good times. Acceptance is one of the hardest things to do but it's the right thing to do.
loveydove Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 this is so true! I am going through this, too - met my love when I was 17. Now yeaaars later, he has changed and there's nothing I can do. It is hard to grieve a first love. I try to take comfort in the thought that if it is meant to be, it will be. and if not...hopefully one day it won't hurt. But acceptance is the hardest part for sure!
Headintheclouds Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 (edited) This was a great read and describes my own situation very well. I can very much relate to the feeling that the other person is dead. I actually said that to someone yesterday. I feel like Everything happened so abruptly to me, almost as if the other person died. What I knew a month ago does not exist anymore. My situation was similar to yours. We were both unhappy with the way it currently was, but There was no warning. She simply gave up on me and is already seeing someone else. We had an amazing connection and barely fought. I got the same vague reasons as you did. I'm still stuck living with her until the end of the month. Currently it is impossible for me to "delete" her. I believe I have changed a lot too since we got together (5 years ago). I still love her, and would not have just gave up like she seemingly did. As most of you have said, acceptance is the hardest part. I'm still going through waves of emotion but I see the light at the end now. The end of this month I will finally be able to move on, and I am looking forward to that. Edited March 17, 2012 by Headintheclouds
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 If acceptance seems hard, it just simply means you are not there yet. But when you are there, it comes easy and you are at peace. Final stage in grieving.
Author ThatDudeXO Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 I believe I have changed a lot too since we got together (5 years ago). I still love her, and would not have just gave up like she seemingly did. As most of you have said, acceptance is the hardest part. I'm still going through waves of emotion but I see the light at the end now. The end of this month I will finally be able to move on, and I am looking forward to that. I'm happy for you, seeing the light and looking forward to move on. These things happen but we don't expect them or see them coming which makes it so much harder. I never knew it was possible for someone to change and suddenly fall out of love but it seems such a common occurrence in the situations posted here on LS. What makes it harder is that they are almost ready to give up a long time before the actual breakup, so when it happens it doesn't take them much time to move on which gives them a head start on us dumpees! It is harsh thinking your ex is dead but it isn't wrong in my opinion because the person you fell in love with no longer exists, they are someone else and now you have to live life as if they've disappeared off the face of the earth. Sounds like death to me!
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