Anxiety and Paranoia with new girlfriend

[GreenPolicy]

I was originally brought to loveshack because of a really bad breakup a year and a half ago. We were practically engaged, lots of talk about a future and marriage together, them one day I got blindsided and she ended things with pretty much no explanation. It took me a long time, but I'm mostly over it these days:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/253770-my-fiancee-left-me-out-blue

 

I did a lot of casual dating over the past 17 months, but was never really emotionally available and dating was really nothing more than a distraction. I went back to counseling a few months ago because I felt like I wasn't making enough progress in getting over my ex. I established a good rapport with my therapist and we were able to take the focus off my ex and onto myself. He encouraged me to date.

 

I recently met a woman off of eharmony. We are both 34, she's eight months older than I. She's the first person in a year and a half that I am genuinely excited about, that I don't find myself comparing to my ex. The chemistry is really good and we both feel very comfortable with each other.

 

Our first date was a few weeks ago, and since then we have been in daily contact. We agreed that we were still getting to know each other and it's too soon to introduce each other to the parents and so forth, but we don't want to see other people and want to concentrate on getting to know each other. I told her I let my subscription to eharmony lapse and she said she has stopped communicating with other men on eharmony. We've been on four dates so far and have been intimate the last two times we've been together. Her behavior so far is consistent with high interest level.

 

She has been divorced for two years with no children, and I basically gave her the cliff notes version of what happened with my ex, that we were on the verge of getting engaged and married and she essentially got cold feet and left with no explanation. I don't go on and on and talk about my ex much, it comes up as a peripheral topic when we talk about how both got over our own situations.

 

Last night I came over and she cooked me dinner, I brought a dvd of a tv show for us to watch, she lost interest after the first episode and initiated sex. She's a school teacher and this is spring break for her. Her dad was coming over early in the morning to take her fishing so she said I couldn't stay over. No big deal and I didn't fuss about that. Saturday she is going to a St. Patrick's Day parade here in our city with her girlfriends. These are plans she made before she met me. Before I left last night, I said something about getting together Sunday then and she was non-committal. She said it depended on how she felt after the St. Patty's Day festivities on Saturday and so forth. When I left she also asked if I wanted my dvd back and I said "That's cool, we can finish watching it next time."

 

I don't act paranoid, possessive, jealous, clingy or smothering around her and I'm just trying to be cool and casual. Obviously something is working so far if this is how things are going. We have been in daily communication with text/email/phone calls since our first date and most of the time she initiates it. But when I was driving home last night, even though we had a great time, with good food, good conversation and were intimate, my paranoia was getting the best of me. I kept thinking "She was non-committal about Sunday and asked me to take the dvd with me, perhaps she is losing interest and doesn't want to see me again." I think it is the legacy of what happened with my ex, how things supposedly were going great and she blindsided me. I don't want to ruin things with this new girl and scare her off. When we were lying next to each other last night after sex, I was holding her and said something along the lines of "I like being with you," and she was like "Careful, no feelings talk." I know she was really hurt by her divorce with her ex-husband. She hasn't gone into much detail, but he apparently committed infidelity and had substance abuse issues. Maybe she is wanting to keep things cool and keep a minimum on the mushy talk because we are still getting to know each other? It's not like I go on and on and kiss her ass, it just seemed like something you say after you have sex with somebody you like. I told her after the first time we were intimate that I wasn't looking for a FWB, that I didn't want to rush things and get ahead of ourselves, but that I liked her as a person and wanted to keep getting to know her, and that I would like to be in a relationship and have a girlfriend again.

 

Am I just being paranoid and anxious because of the whole dvd/non-committal thing for Sunday? She's not a lush or a drunk by any means, but this St. Patty's Day Parade is an alcohol-friendly event in our city, and it's her chance to cut loose with some married girfriends of hers she doesn't see very often, so she said she might be hungover on Sunday. If we've agreed to be sexually and emotionally exclusive, then is she basically my girlfriend at this point, even if we haven't referred to each other that way? We're not even friends on facebook yet.

[GreenPolicy]

Also, the sex so far has been very good. I can tell when somebody is enthusiastic and really enjoying it. Our physical chemistry is very good, and she enjoys having sex with me very much. Either that or she's a good actress.

[Ajax]

Hey GP! Glad to see you're back dating again, even if it is causing anxiety. It's still a step forward.

 

I understand how you could feel a little paranoid in this situation, but try not to let it eat away at you. That's no way to live. If she's interested in you then I don't think she would jeopardize that by doing anything questionable. If her interest in you is fading, wouldn't you rather know sooner rather than later? I think it's best to let it play out and see what happens.

 

It was interesting when we both came to LS around the same time having experienced what seemed to have been commitment-phobic ex girlfriends. Now I too am dating again, but finding the relationship is causing me concern. But in this relationship the girl I'm dating seems to be the paranoid one, and I'm getting the increasing feeling that she feels insecure about the other relationships I have across the board. Be it female friends I've had for ten years or even guys I go to games with, she seems to resent me spending time with anyone other than her, and I have to say I'm starting to get the feeling that she wants to control who I'm friends with. It's making me rethink the relationship.

 

It just goes to show that insecurity kills otherwise good relationships.

[GreenPolicy]

Hey GP! Glad to see you're back dating again, even if it is causing anxiety. It's still a step forward.

 

I understand how you could feel a little paranoid in this situation, but try not to let it eat away at you. That's no way to live. If she's interested in you then I don't think she would jeopardize that by doing anything questionable. If her interest in you is fading, wouldn't you rather know sooner rather than later? I think it's best to let it play out and see what happens.

 

It was interesting when we both came to LS around the same time having experienced what seemed to have been commitment-phobic ex girlfriends. Now I too am dating again, but finding the relationship is causing me concern. But in this relationship the girl I'm dating seems to be the paranoid one, and I'm getting the increasing feeling that she feels insecure about the other relationships I have across the board. Be it female friends I've had for ten years or even guys I go to games with, she seems to resent me spending time with anyone other than her, and I have to say I'm starting to get the feeling that she wants to control who I'm friends with. It's making me rethink the relationship.

 

It just goes to show that insecurity kills otherwise good relationships.

 

I guess you are right. Whatever happens is going to happen. I can't make another person the focus of my life and the sole arbiter of determining my happiness.

[ariadne999]

maybe she's looking for some casual fun. Lighten up and have fun.

 

Can you blame her for not wanting to be your rebound?

[GreenPolicy]

maybe she's looking for some casual fun. Lighten up and have fun.

 

Can you blame her for not wanting to be your rebound?

 

I don't consider her a rebound at this point. It's been a year and a half. I am interested in her and like I said, she's the first girl that I'm not comparing to my ex. I consider myself emotionally available and open again. I really like this girl. I did a lot of casual dating and this is the first person that I don't view as a distraction. But you are right, take it one day at a time, have fun and keep things light and easy. Whatever happens will happen, whether things continue to go well, or she loses interest, or she flakes.

[Ajax]

I think you have the right attitude GP. Although I don't think your feelings constitute paranoia per se, at least not yet. The whole "careful, no feelings talk" line would set my bells ringing too.

 

It's good that both your heart and your eyes are open. In my last post I didn't mean to sound like you should just suck it up and ignore your feelings and instincts. We can't ignore red flags if they pop up, but I don't think it's good to be oversensitive either.

 

Like I said, I think you should just see how it plays out without any expectations either way at this point. But if a pattern of flakey behavior emerges or a push/pull dynamic develops, then that will be your cue to leave. We've both been through that and don't need to repeat that.

 

Let me know how things go either way, GP.

[GreenPolicy]

I think you have the right attitude GP. Although I don't think your feelings constitute paranoia per se, at least not yet. The whole "careful, no feelings talk" line would set my bells ringing too.

 

It's good that both your heart and your eyes are open. In my last post I didn't mean to sound like you should just suck it up and ignore your feelings and instincts. We can't ignore red flags if they pop up, but I don't think it's good to be oversensitive either.

 

Like I said, I think you should just see how it plays out without any expectations either way at this point. But if a pattern of flakey behavior emerges or a push/pull dynamic develops, then that will be your cue to leave. We've both been through that and don't need to repeat that.

 

Let me know how things go either way, GP.

 

I think I am probably making too much of things over the 'careful, no feelings' line. It could just be that we've only known each other a few weeks and she wants to keep things light for now. It's not like I've said "I love you" or anything like that. I've made it clear that although I don't want to "fast-forward" or go way too fast when it comes to things like meeting friends and family, being "facebook official," I do like her, I don't just want to have sex or be FWBS, that I would like to see where things go with her. And she's said that she basically feels the same way. Our rapport so far is pretty light and easy, she really digs my sense of humor and laughs a lot at my jokes. She's also said that she would like a relationship and a boyfriend and not just a hookup buddy.

[pteromom]

If we've agreed to be sexually and emotionally exclusive, then is she basically my girlfriend at this point, even if we haven't referred to each other that way?

 

No.

 

Being exclusive can just mean you are focusing on getting to know each other without being distracted by dating others. It doesn't mean you have any type of commitment.

 

By what you've said, I would assume she wants to take it VERY SLOWLY. Just keep talking to her (not in a pressuring way!) and make sure you know what she is thinking/feeling so that you don't have to guess and overanalyze things.

 

She wants to continue having her life with her friends and other interests, which is VERY healthy. If you were in a relationship that becomes all-consuming quickly previously, you may not recognize just how healthy it is.

 

The fact that she doesn't want to drop everything and focus only on you is a good thing. It doesn't necessarily mean she isn't interested.

 

Go slowly. Relax and take things one step at a time. Keep talking. And don't analyze what she says/does to try to figure out what YOU think it means. She's not you and doesn't think the exact way you do...

[GreenPolicy]

If we've agreed to be sexually and emotionally exclusive, then is she basically my girlfriend at this point, even if we haven't referred to each other that way?

 

No.

 

Being exclusive can just mean you are focusing on getting to know each other without being distracted by dating others. It doesn't mean you have any type of commitment.

 

By what you've said, I would assume she wants to take it VERY SLOWLY. Just keep talking to her (not in a pressuring way!) and make sure you know what she is thinking/feeling so that you don't have to guess and overanalyze things.

 

She wants to continue having her life with her friends and other interests, which is VERY healthy. If you were in a relationship that becomes all-consuming quickly previously, you may not recognize just how healthy it is.

 

The fact that she doesn't want to drop everything and focus only on you is a good thing. It doesn't necessarily mean she isn't interested.

 

Go slowly. Relax and take things one step at a time. Keep talking. And don't analyze what she says/does to try to figure out what YOU think it means. She's not you and doesn't think the exact way you do...

 

I think you are on the money with this. My nieces have a birthday party tomorrow and I am doing that. And it's a good and healthy thing for me to be busy with my own stuff so she doesn't think that I am sitting around waiting to hear from her or have nothing going on in my life except waiting for the phone to light up when she contacts me. I mean, I do have friends and hobbies and stuff, but I am excited about her.