shy_guy Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 Hi guys, I'm interested to hear your thoughts about this. Background: guy/girl in mid 20s. dating for about 4-5 months. The situation: Girl requests sex without a condom. I (guy) agree but on the condition we both get tested before doing so to be sure we are both disease and infection free. Prior to this relationship I have received unprotected oral sex. She had unprotected vaginal sex but with a previous partner who supposedly got tested after their relationship ended and is supposedly clean. She (and her close friend in who she confides) profess that this is an unreasonable request. I argue it responsible and reasonable because even in the absence of any symptoms there is no way we can no for sure we are both clean. The marginal effort required to be tested is minimal as is the cost. She takes it as a personal attack on her character and does not want to get tested. Though? Am I off base here?
oaks Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 Am I off base here? Not at all. Suggesting that you both get tested is a responsible attitude.
kiss_andmakeup Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 You are not "off" at all, good for you for standing up for this important topic. It's absolutely important for you both to get tested before unprotected sex. I really don't see how she could disagree with that.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 I mean really? in what way, shape or form would this be an inappropriate request. But kinda like what USSR said in so many words...don't do the crime If you don't want to do the time. Once you get an STD there's no going back, so how much are you willing to gamble and put at stake for that in trusting someone you don't know? pretty bold move to say the least. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself, you're affected by this, IF she takes this as a personal offense then she sounds pretty immature, insecure or thinks she's unrealistically above that...you never know for sure what other person has done that you're sleeping with, and with what I know about men I wouldn't trust them when it comes to sex no way never, I've seen far too much from a mans point of view what they'll put their stick in, good-looking, ugly, unsuccessful, successful, desperate, surrounded by options...no way. You may want to dig deeper on values at this point, she sounds a little...dumb. 2
zengirl Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 I think she sounds a bit immature. Granted, it depends on how you bring it up -- if you said something offensive that implied she were diseased, I could see someone taking offense, but it doesn't sound like you said anything out of bounds. You just want to be safe. That seems an entirely reasonable position to me --- the most reasonable position their is. I had several serious relationships and we always got tested prior to having sex/having unprotected sex. Frankly, I got tested after every relationship (I only had sex in relationships). Hubby got tested when he met me, before we had sex. I would find it a bit odd if someone who I was in a relationship with actually insisted he SEE the results or go with me or something that suggested I was untrustworthy (I'm not sure I wouldn't show them the results, but it just seems weird to ask if you trust someone enough to have an intimate and emotional relationship with them) and no man ever questioned my particular policy of being tested after the relationship and before having sex again in the new relationship but I definitely respected the men who ASKED if I'd been tested and were concerned about their own and my sexual health.
carhill Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 She takes it as a personal attack on her character and does not want to get tested. Canary. That's your future with her. Move on. 2
Emilia Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 I get tested on a regular basis just because I think it's the right thing to do but I must admit a request like this would somewhat take the spontaneity out of sex. You are being responsible OP but also a passionkiller at the same time. Not unreasonable, no.
carhill Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 OP, how long have you been having sex with a condom? You say you've been dating 4-5 months. Presuming a couple months of lovemaking and ostensibly an exclusive and monogamous dynamic, such a discussion of birth control/std prevention should be routine, outside of the bedroom. Did her request come inside the bedroom, like 'oh, baby, let's do it bareback tonight' or similar? If so, that IMO isn't the time for a sexual 'discussion' rather 'oh, just one more time and we can talk about that', tabling it, erring on the side of safer sex, for a time outside the bedroom. IMO, if two people can have sex, they can talk about it, at the appropriate time and place, as adults, in a mature manner. STD 'talks' are part of that. Goes with the territory. Don't be 'shy'. Assert your perspective. If the lady is compatible, there will be synergy. If other, other.
stillafool Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 If I were you I wouldn't have sex with a girl who considered getting tested before having raw sex an unreasonable request. She has probably done it raw with lots of guys.
Arkaeology Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 Just to throw it out there. Make the checks for STDs part of your annual physical. That way, you would know you're "clean" specially if you're not using protection with you gf/ significant other even if you guys are exclusive. Is she off base? No but she should be willing to do the same thing herself.
Author shy_guy Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 I think she sounds a bit immature. Granted, it depends on how you bring it up -- if you said something offensive that implied she were diseased, I could see someone taking offense, but it doesn't sound like you said anything out of bounds. You just want to be safe. That seems an entirely reasonable position to me --- the most reasonable position their is. I absolutely think it's mature. It came about as she asked for unprotected sex when we were having sex. Knowing our sexual histories at that point, I explained to her that I totally trust and believe that she thinks she is safe but given that she has not been tested there is no way she could know for sure (100% fact). She got offended by this, despite me raising the issue in the nicest possible way, and also getting myself tested after this point to show her I wasn't being hypocritical. She also says that most people do not get tested before unprotected sex in exclusive relationships, to which my response is just because this is the 'norm' does not make it OK or responsible. Girls. ZOMG.
zengirl Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I absolutely think it's mature. It came about as she asked for unprotected sex when we were having sex. Knowing our sexual histories at that point, I explained to her that I totally trust and believe that she thinks she is safe but given that she has not been tested there is no way she could know for sure (100% fact). She got offended by this, despite me raising the issue in the nicest possible way, and also getting myself tested after this point to show her I wasn't being hypocritical. She also says that most people do not get tested before unprotected sex in exclusive relationships, to which my response is just because this is the 'norm' does not make it OK or responsible. Girls. ZOMG. Huh? I said I think *she* sounds a bit immature. I think you misread my post.
Author shy_guy Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 zengirl: no i didn't misread, but i mistyped lol. tried to edit it but you beat me to it So yea, I agree with you
kaylan Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 If she doesnt get tested, dump her. Shes acting shady. 1
zengirl Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 zengirl: no i didn't misread, but i mistyped lol. tried to edit it but you beat me to it So yea, I agree with you Oh, okay. No worries. I was just confused.
Nightsky Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I absolutely think it's mature. It came about as she asked for unprotected sex when we were having sex. Knowing our sexual histories at that point, I explained to her that I totally trust and believe that she thinks she is safe but given that she has not been tested there is no way she could know for sure (100% fact). She got offended by this, despite me raising the issue in the nicest possible way, and also getting myself tested after this point to show her I wasn't being hypocritical. She also says that most people do not get tested before unprotected sex in exclusive relationships, to which my response is just because this is the 'norm' does not make it OK or responsible. Girls. ZOMG. Kind of imature of you if you brought this up in the heat of the moment. I mean its one thing for her to be horny and say "F the condom just cum in me." But for you to tell her "I know you think you're clean but only a test can prove that." I mean you should have just worn the condom if you wanted to and talked about it in a "I just need a test before doing that" fashion not in the heat of sex and with out the "I know you think your clean but who knows." Also her own history like if she noticed anything, if she has only had sex in committed relationships with people who could contact her if they got sic... that stuff is more important then some test which isn't as accurate as I'm sure you wish it was.
kaylan Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 (edited) ^Are you daft? How is it immature to bring up safe sex issues when his gf wanted to do it raw? Who cares if its the heat of the moment. STDs are for LIFE! Immature thinking like yours is why new people keep getting infected. Ive had chicks ask my health status and then ask me to break out the condom in the heat of the moment. It didnt kill the mood...I was actually more attracted to her because she made me feel more at ease about the situation. His girlfriend brought it up, and then acted like testing was no big deal...so I see NOTHING wrong with his response. A test is definitely more accurate than what someone THINKS they know about their sexual health. A person doesnt know the sexual behavior of their mates past partners, so being in a committed relationship means nothing...especially since people can and HAVE caught STDs from cheating partners too Wise the hell up kid. Edited March 17, 2012 by kaylan
Nightsky Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Learn some respect when you’re talking to people and you’ll go far. What I wrote obviously went over your head because it’s clear you’re not arguing what I said but what you think I said. There is no such thing as safe sex, so don’t think a test is going to protect you. Ignorant people like you spread STI’s thinking you’re clean because “the test said so.”
kaylan Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 ^If you cant take the heat get out of the kitchen. I dont take kindly people who will call someone immature for being safe about their sexual health. Im not concerned with "go[ing] far" when it comes to people with opinions like yours. "No such thing as safe sex"? riiiiight...sounds like something people say to justify silly thinking that leads to the spread of STDs. Ignorant people like yourself call others immature for being sexually safe. Smart people like me dont give a damn about "ruining the moment" when my health is at stake. Like I said before, a test is more definitive and accurate than someones guess about their sexual health. Get that ish outta here brah. 1
FrustratedStandards Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Not at ALL. I always make sure that my F buddy and I get tested after having sex with new partners, or after having relationships. You are NOT off base. Her not wanting to get tested simply means she is immature. If she takes it personally, then she's an idiot. I'm sorry.
Nightsky Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 You really seem to have no understanding of what I wrote. I never said don’t take the test. I said bringing it up during the heat of sex is not the time. I also said just ask for the test don’t get into “you think you’re clean but you could be dirty.” Finally I said trusting you know who you’re with is more important then a test. Safe sex doesn’t exist. All sex carries the risk of pregnancy and disease. I’m sorry if you don’t like that reality. If you disagree with me that’s fine, but that is your opinion. Please learn some respect and manners for the way you conduct yourself and speak to people. It could only benefit you.
kaylan Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 (edited) You really seem to have no understanding of what I wrote. I never said don’t take the test. I said bringing it up during the heat of sex is not the time. I also said just ask for the test don’t get into “you think you’re clean but you could be dirty.” Finally I said trusting you know who you’re with is more important then a test. I think its you who has no understanding of my initial response. I know you never said "dont take the test"...however, you made the assertion that his gf's knowledge of her sexual history was somehow more definitive or accurate about her sexual health than test results could be. Thats downright silly. She brought it up in the heat of the moment by asking him to go raw...so hes well within his right to respond the way he did. Who cares what time its brought up...safe sex is important, and Im glad it was brought up before they did the deed. Safe sex doesn’t exist. All sex carries the risk of pregnancy and disease. I’m sorry if you don’t like that reality. If you want to get down to semantics, then I can say "safer sex" definitely does exist. Im sorry if you dont like that reality. If you disagree with me that’s fine, but that is your opinion. Please learn some respect and manners for the way you conduct yourself and speak to people. It could only benefit you.You talk about respect yet you were calling the OP immature for the way he was being concerned with his sexual health. All because youre oh so concerned about the heat of the moment. If anything, I find that disrespectful. Im sorry, but I dont respect attitudes that would only contribute to the spread of STDs. Good day to you sir. Edited March 17, 2012 by kaylan
oaks Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I'm guessing she's never been tested before and is reacting emotionally. As you know there are some things she could have without even knowing it, but I'm not sure how best to persuade her to reconsider getting tested other than to talk to her again outside the bedroom. If she won't get tested, and if this continues to be important to you (which it should be), then your options are to keep using condoms (and to make it clear to her that that is the only way) or dump her due to your incompatible views on sexual health. If it's heading in that direction, make sure she knows that it's a deal-breaker so she has another opportunity to change her mind. Also, this could be a good time to have a talk about contraception, too, but that's a whole other topic.
Author shy_guy Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 I never said don’t take the test. I said bringing it up during the heat of sex is not the time. I also said just ask for the test don’t get into “you think you’re clean but you could be dirty.” Finally I said trusting you know who you’re with is more important then a test. I agree bringing it up 'during the heat of sex' isn't the appropriate time and I didn't want to but it couldn't be avoided. I first simply requested using a condom but she kept pushing on the topic, asking why. I said I was trying to be safe as we had never discussed our sexual histories. We then did and I asked if she had been tested. Turns out she had been some time ago, but also turns out she had unprotected sex after that test. I still requested using a condom and after even more persistence on her part I had to spell it out for her: I don't feel comfortable unless we both get tested first. Yes tests aren't 100% accurate and condoms aren't 100% safe but they're orders of magnitude 'safer' than flying blind. I have since made it known to her that not getting tested (and continuing to request unprotected sex) is a deal breaker for me. 1
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