Fab001 Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 I read here over and over again about exes slandering and twisting the truth to their friends and family members in order to save themselves and put us in a bad light. So common. So painful. So hopeless legal case... I know laws change from country to country but I wonder if anyone has ever tried to bring/brought an ex to court for slandering or inappropriate behaviours after breakup. In my country (one of the west-European), a person can be brought to court for slandering, only if a financial damage originates from this. (i.e. I loose my job because of someone saying bad and untruthful things about me). So if I have a bunch of friends that don't greet me any longer or look me in strange ways or giggle when they see me, then I cannot do anything about it. So I really cannot stop him and it's all so frustrating...and nobody can help you with that...at least here... Any experience? Suggestion? (besides ignoring [and change all your friends] and writing him a letter to stop [already tried: if something, made things worst]).
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 I read here over and over again about exes slandering and twisting the truth to their friends and family members in order to save themselves and put us in a bad light. So common. So painful. So hopeless legal case... I know laws change from country to country but I wonder if anyone has ever tried to bring/brought an ex to court for slandering or inappropriate behaviours after breakup. In my country (one of the west-European), a person can be brought to court for slandering, only if a financial damage originates from this. (i.e. I loose my job because of someone saying bad and untruthful things about me). So if I have a bunch of friends that don't greet me any longer or look me in strange ways or giggle when they see me, then I cannot do anything about it. So I really cannot stop him and it's all so frustrating...and nobody can help you with that...at least here... Any experience? Suggestion? (besides ignoring [and change all your friends] and writing him a letter to stop [already tried: if something, made things worst]). My ex has done this and continues to do so; throw me under the bus to protect himself. Nothing you can do about it, but I will say that the truth will come out. You know you are a decent person and those who truly care know it too. PS, don't do anything regarding the law/courts over this or you will never get her out of your hair.
Philosoraptor Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 While you can file a case, it would be quite trivial. Anyone who knows you will know better, and anyone who knows him will know better. I've heard quite a bit of slander and even got reamed a bit. When I corrected her she responded with "I'm not even going to dignify that with a response". It's sad the depths that some need to go to validate the end of a relationship. But the slander is usually due to one not being able to take responsibility for themselves or their actions. 1
Author Fab001 Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 Nothing you can do about it, but I will say that the truth will come out. You know you are a decent person and those who truly care know it too. Well, it's difficult when your ex told his family things were not going well between us as I was depressed when he had a crush for somebody else. You can be decent and not depressed too. But they think I am/was decent and horribly depressed and felt pity for me...that's also something.
freestyle Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 I know how much this can suck--I'm going through something similar with a former friend who's been talking smack about me behind my back. Unfortunately---there's little we can do about it. If we defend ourselves too much--or react emotionally---there's a possibility that we lend plausibility to the case they make against us. It's wrong, and it's incredibly unfair. There is a bright side, however, believe it or not. ( I know --it's hard to look at it this way) It actually helps us to "weed our garden". It will shine a light on people's true natures. It will become obvious which people are easily led, or influenced by negative gossip. It will become obvious which people have enough of a sense of fairness to hear YOUR side of the story, too---BEFORE they pass judgment. It will become obvious which friends are true-blue, and loyal. Then ---you'll know who to save your time & energy for. 3
Author Fab001 Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 But the slander is usually due to one not being able to take responsibility for themselves or their actions. Of course, but this does not make us "slandered against" feel any better...at least not me... 1
Philosoraptor Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 Of course, but this does not make us "slandered against" feel any better...at least not me... It will once you've found peace with the situation. Instead of being upset with this person you will pity their need to do this rather than healing and taking personal responsibility.
Author Fab001 Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 It will once you've found peace with the situation. Instead of being upset with this person you will pity their need to do this rather than healing and taking personal responsibility. Thanks Philosoraptor (and freestyle too), you are right. Just the waiting phase to arrive to that point is excruciating. 1
freestyle Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 Thanks Philosoraptor (and freestyle too), you are right. Just the waiting phase to arrive to that point is excruciating. You're quite welcome. Excruciating is right.........It's a horrible, sickening feeling to find out someone we once cared for (and who we believed cared about us) is throwing us under the bus. Instead of having our back, they're talking behind it. It's even worse if it's someone we trusted with deeply personal information about ourselves---they have ammo. But---if they use that former trust against us, to 'paint us black' to others-- They're only making themselves look really, really bad. People with half a brain will see through it. Those who don't aren't worth our time. It's really hard to stick to the higher ground when something like this happens---but in the long run, it will pay off. Worthwhile people will respect us for NOT dragging them into drama, that isn't really their concern. The person slinging the mud is the one whose hands are dirty. 1
stitch702 Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 Of course, but this does not make us "slandered against" feel any better...at least not me... There comes a point in time during your healing process where you look back and realize that ignoring it and continuing to move on makes you feel as if you have taken the high road and have become a better person for not stooping down to that level. I chose to ignore the slandering and when approached by her friends about the situation I simply said we didn't work out and wish her the best of luck and happiness...at the time I didn't really mean it because I was pissed , but I'm glad I said those things. I have no regrets and to this day I'm still friends with her friends and some have even agreed that they do not see me the way she depicted me... My advice just ignore it...life is too short to be caught up in petty arguments. When you finally move on you'll realize it wasn't worth it. 1
Sugarkane Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Absolutely happened to me too. As I don't live near The ex friends, I never saw them ever again, except one time so far. They shouldnt be so gullible to believe lies. I did Tge right thing and took the high road, even though I was The one that got screwed over. Made no difference, they never talked to me ever again. I also had a similar experience at high school with my ex best friend. She turned everyone against me. People I didn't even know, would come up to me and vetbally abuse me. Even though she screwed me over. They didn't even ask to hear my side. They didn't even know me! People are dumb
Sugarkane Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I took the high road and it still never paid off for me.
fucpcg Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 My ex (and her posse of girlfriends) ran around all last summer (shortly after the breakup happened) accusing me of being a abusive, crazy, psychotic boyfriend. She told her friends, she actually tried to keep contact with my friends, and shared the story with them when getting a chance to talk to them, she told random acquaintances. She went so far as to say she needed a PFA Protection From Abuse against me. Since breaking up, I had written her two letters trying to communicate, and that was it. Didn't stalk her, text her, call her, drunk drive byes, NOTHING. What hurt was just that someone I loved, and claimed to love me, could do this. Was my reputation hurt? Maybe with people that didn't know me. Those that did know me, basically laughed it off and told me to do the same. I originally felt like my friends should have been more vocal in defending me, but realize now they did the right thing, they listened and didn't respond. Their refusal to respond was the best way to proclaim they were not buying into it. Ironically, it was my girlfriends that were the most inclined to engage my ex into an altercation, but they held back as well, at times barely. They were quite vocal in debunking the stories being spread to people they knew. All in all, it has blown over, I've learned some lessons, and nothing has been damaged other than my heart. Here's what I know though, the only impact made was is if I chose to allow it, and my friends did a good job of not letting that happen. I am surrounded by some amazing, wonderful, mature girl and guy friends, and that shows more than you would know when faced with a situation like this. My ex is surrounded by some young, immature, very poor reputation girls, and that stands out as well when she's spreading stories like described. Soon this will blow over, you will learn from it, and no harm will be done, other than the painful realization of what kind of person you were dating.
carhill Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Much as I would have loved to a few times, even related to business, the complexity and cost of mounting a legal offense and quantifying damages proved to be too daunting/expensive. Heck, just making a few minor changes in the family trust in front of a judge cost me nearly five grand. I shudder to think what a libel/slander lawsuit would cost to prosecute. A good reputation can withstand a few insults. Or something like that
Sugarkane Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Fucpcg- I really can't stand liars like that. What if someone REALLY abused them? How can you file against someone if you've only contact them a couple of times? The police wouldn't take you seriously would they? A couple of times isn't enough.
fucpcg Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 No she couldn't have filed against me legitimately. A word of warning however... My buddy is a Pennsylvania State Constable. He told me when it comes to the law, a girl trying to get a PFA is the ONE time where a man is guilty until proven innocent. When a girl comes in crying a man is abusing her, the law moves swift and aggressively. Truth is, they need to in most cases. On the odd out occasion like mine where it's a bunch of crap, some innocent man can really get stung. He knew my ex, her husband, their kids from coaching them at baseball. He told me STAY FAR, FAR AWAY from that girl. If you see her at a club, leave. If you know she goes to a certain place, don't ever go there again. If you do bump into her, document when where and what you did to get away immediately. A girl like that could make something up to file the complaint, then I more or less am left to DISPROVE it, VS any other court filing where complainant must prove the case. My ex did come from abusive marriage. The guy is an *******, and she was with him for 16 years total, from high school on. She would always talk about how he abused her. I believe my ex is a really sweet, however really damaged woman. That marriage made a mess of her, and she can exhibit many ugly traits that came from this type of relationships, but ultimately she had the chance to rise above and turn her life around, or use it as the reason she spirals out of control with her emotions and bad habits. Another one of my best girlfriends came from an abusive marriage of around the same amount of years. When she finally got up the desire to walk from the father of her children, she did so and never looked back. She didn't take to drinking, partying, crying about her life being destroyed, and now is happily living with and engaged to a great guy that I pretty much set her up with. Guess it does go to show what you go thru does not dictate what you become in life, but how you deal with it does. Those that wish to slander an ex for what they went thru, wants the sympathy for how awful life was to them. What a great way to throw away the rest of your life. As was stated in here, when your reputation is solid, and is hit by some bullets, the bullets can't do much damage. My reputation, and her reputation, are quite the polar opposites. The less you respond, the quicker it blows over. I thought about filing slander charges, but that wasn't necessary, since again only her and her friends were buying into it. Looking back I can see that I wanted to do it just because I was hurt, and wanted to react to that pain. In reality the best thing was just saying *****it don't pay any attention. 1
Sugarkane Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I still wish you could sue them though. It still didn't work for me. And celebritys sue for the sane thing when magazines and tabloids print lies about them. From my experience, if people only hear one side of The story they are stupid enough to believe that that must be right. Without even hearing Tge other persons point of view. 1
Recommended Posts