sibernox Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 So I've been seeing this girl for 2-3 months now. She's attractive, well-spoken, outgoing, etc etc. I've been having some issues with our relationship though. For instance, I hate the fact that she smokes up once-twice a week. Not only that, but she actually goes to meet her 'dealer' in some parking lot to pick up the weed. I've spoken to her about it and she assures me she's very safe about it and it's just her weekly 'escape' when she smokes up. Whatever, I try to let it go. It also seems like she ALWAYS puts her friends first. And that's fine, I wouldn't want her to make me her main priority, but for example, a couple of times I've changed plans around to hang out with her/spend time with her but she never has. The other day I came close to suggesting she move some plans around and she just basically laughed in my face. Last thing, I don't like her sexual past. She just turned 20 and I'm the 7th guys she's been with. Does that not seem high? Not only that, she also almost got involved in a MFF three-some but it never happened. They ended up only making out/touching each other. How do I get past that? Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks
DontWorryBHappy Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 I'm not going to comment on whether any of the things you mentioned are "right or "wrong" because that is irrelevant. All that matters is that she is more of an impulsive "do before I think" type of person who likes to seek thrills in various random things... you sound more stable and you wish she was that way too. She needs someone who has the same sort of lifestyle that she does, and you need the same for yourself. 4
Author sibernox Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 I'm not going to comment on whether any of the things you mentioned are "right or "wrong" because that is irrelevant. All that matters is that she is more of an impulsive "do before I think" type of person who likes to seek thrills in various random things... you sound more stable and you wish she was that way too. She needs someone who has the same sort of lifestyle that she does, and you need the same for yourself. Thanks for your reply. I think you're right. Do you think it would be unfair for me to ask her to consider giving up the weed? Another thing, this weekend is one of her best friend's birthday party at a club downtown. Apparently her friend isn't inviting her boyfriend 'cause they're having trouble and instead asked my gf to 'be her date'. I expressed my disappointment and she just said "my friend asked me to be her date, I don't understand why you're acting this way, it shouldn't even be an issue." Am I in the wrong for being disappointed that I wasn't invited?
Philosoraptor Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 If you're bothered by her behavior that's all that matters. If you can't find a way to get past it then you just need to end the relationship and find someone who you can accept. Nothing wrong with being bothered by things, but don't drag it out if it won't get better.
zengirl Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 Re: Weed I don't think there's any use asking her to stop, nor do I see the reason you want her to do so. Does something about it actually bother you or is it just the use of illicit drugs? If it's just the use of it, I don't see any hope in a "compromise." She wants to smoke weed, she's been smoking long before you met, and she's a 20 year old who probably doesn't have plans to stop. Getting someone to stop "for the relationship" doesn't sound like it would much work out. However, it may mean y'all are incompatible. I don't see smoking a little weed when you're 20 as a big deal, even weekly at that age really, but I can respect people who do (I never really smoked and don't do any drugs). It's more an incompatibility than a right/wrong. Re: Switching plans The "laughed in your face" sounds odd, but other than that, I think it's perfectly fine that she didn't want to switch plans, nor do I think you're obligated to switch plans. Generally speaking, I think it's kind of rude to expect someone to switch plans they already had. MMV. Re: Sexual past That's her past. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's not your "business" but I will say, you either accept it and date her or don't and don't date her. Anything else is just being an *******.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 (edited) Ooo man sibernox you've got quite a bit going on here to the experienced eye, I could go on about a few things here but I'll just try to touch on them to give you the nutshell version... Sounds a little bit of a possible incompatibility here in terms of values...are you a pretty square guy who's more on the conservative side? or If she just a little on the "wild" side to you? This girl sounds like the adventurer type...the try everything once genre. I don't know If that's the kind of relationship you are looking for. She's going to be outgoing, talkative, probably interesting in older guys and since she's attractive she's going to get a lot of attention, and the guys are going to be even more into her since she can hold her own. She's going to want her freedom, that's going to make you feel a bit insecure and jealous, and I imagine her friends will also be close to her personality type so her going out is always going to lead to some opposite sex interaction. I'm not trying to make you feel bad here but I'm just trying to give you a realistic picture of the type of girl you are with and what you really have to expect, because she seems like the independent type and isn't done living her life and exploring anytime soon. Seven is a pretty high number for 20, but that makes sense with her personality, she gets out and about, meets a lot of people and she's not afraid to take risk, she likes the partying. You're also not going to get over her past, that's a whole other thread but If you'd like to read my other reply to this thread about getting over a woman's past basically or understanding it... Sleeping with more people to get over retroactive jealousy - LoveShack.org Community Forums (page 2) - hope that works there, the link. This really doesn't seem like right relationship for you and what you're looking for, you bought a duck but confused when it's not acting like a horse, which is what you wanted. She's a little beyond your capability and she will be too much for you. I don't think she's crazy enough about you to change or stop, which honestly man I think you need to let her do her thing and not try to change her, she's got quite a bit of wing-spreading to do but that doesn't mean she can't be faithful to you, however I think you might be a little unaware of what you're dealing with here. Don't cause all this drama and try to fit her into a box, don't give ultimatums...she also sounds like she's confident and wouldn't let that happen...at least with you, you're going to either seal your own fate by causing too many waves. If she doesn't want to compromise after communicating to her about your concerns and reasonable needs then you gotta let it go anyway. I don't know how you old you are, but If you're around the same age I would suggest dating older women. Get some experience, and live a little, don't just jump into relationships and get all serious too fast, too much growing up to do and you don't need those kind of stresses right now. Make life easy and simple while you can. Not to mention it's extremely important coming into your own and developing yourself as a man. Edited March 16, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas
BETTERFLIRT Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 I do not think there is a best answer someone can give than the one giving by Dontworyybhappy. So simple and describes the reality. I think if you are here is just because you are looking for guidance, then telling you the truth would not bother you somehow. Though, one of the things I would like you understand in this is: Attraction does not always mean love, and love requiests compatibility in any romantic relationship to stand by. There are plenty of things you may want to profit from her nonetheless you must be prudent enough to demark a such relation when things do not go on. Changes could be the last thing to expected from someone like this, this does not mean she can not change but would require times, pacience, maturity to handle all those causes. Now you have 2 options above 1. Be you find someone else to be with or accept she be the way so wants she, but remember of their concequences. One means you gonna lose the attraction for the one you once loved or you will be like she is late or soon.
Author sibernox Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 ... Sounds a little bit of a possible incompatibility here in terms of values...are you a pretty square guy who's more on the conservative side? or If she just a little on the "wild" side to you? This girl sounds like the adventurer type...the try everything once genre. I don't know If that's the kind of relationship you are looking for. She's going to be outgoing, talkative, probably interesting in older guys and since she's attractive she's going to get a lot of attention, and the guys are going to be even more into her since she can hold her own. She's going to want her freedom, that's going to make you feel a bit insecure and jealous, and I imagine her friends will also be close to her personality type so her going out is always going to lead to some opposite sex interaction. I'm not trying to make you feel bad here but I'm just trying to give you a realistic picture of the type of girl you are with and what you really have to expect, because she seems like the independent type and isn't done living her life and exploring anytime soon. Seven is a pretty high number for 20, but that makes sense with her personality, she gets out and about, meets a lot of people and she's not afraid to take risk, she likes the partying. You're also not going to get over her past, that's a whole other thread but If you'd like to read my other reply to this thread about getting over a woman's past basically or understanding it... Sleeping with more people to get over retroactive jealousy - LoveShack.org Community Forums (page 2) - hope that works there, the link. This really doesn't seem like right relationship for you and what you're looking for, you bought a duck but confused when it's not acting like a horse, which is what you wanted. She's a little beyond your capability and she will be too much for you. I don't think she's crazy enough about you to change or stop, which honestly man I think you need to let her do her thing and not try to change her, she's got quite a bit of wing-spreading to do but that doesn't mean she can't be faithful to you, however I think you might be a little unaware of what you're dealing with here. Don't cause all this drama and try to fit her into a box, don't give ultimatums...she also sounds like she's confident and wouldn't let that happen...at least with you, you're going to either seal your own fate by causing too many waves. If she doesn't want to compromise after communicating to her about your concerns and reasonable needs then you gotta let it go anyway. I don't know how you old you are, but If you're around the same age I would suggest dating older women. Get some experience, and live a little, don't just jump into relationships and get all serious too fast, too much growing up to do and you don't need those kind of stresses right now. Make life easy and simple while you can. Not to mention it's extremely important coming into your own and developing yourself as a man. I wouldn't consider myself to be too much of a square type, but I have a VERY HARD time trusting people, especially women, due to an ex messing me up big-time. That's why it takes a lot for me to open up, and I'm really into this girl, so I take it all to heart. Which is also why I don't want my gf to be this 'out-there' person who's smoking up left and right and doing all these things. I've straight-up asked her if she was done all her 'exploring' and she assured me she was. She said that I should 'be happy' that her number is that high because all her 'curiosities are gone'. Should I believe that? And due to my insecurities stemming from everything that happened with my ex, I get pretty nervous when she goes out clubbing with her friends and whatnot. And now this latest episode with me not being invited to her friend's birthday... I don't know. And I'm 23 btw.
Author sibernox Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 She is a whore and a cold sore covered slut. Your feelings are clouding your judgment Man. Your gut feeling is telling you something. I bet you will catch all sort of STD's from her bro. You think you will be her last guy?....really.....really... I do fear that my feelings could be clouding my judgment... that's why I'm looking for some outside perspective.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 (edited) I wouldn't consider myself to be too much of a square type, but I have a VERY HARD time trusting people, especially women, due to an ex messing me up big-time. That's why it takes a lot for me to open up, and I'm really into this girl, so I take it all to heart. Which is also why I don't want my gf to be this 'out-there' person who's smoking up left and right and doing all these things. I've straight-up asked her if she was done all her 'exploring' and she assured me she was. She said that I should 'be happy' that her number is that high because all her 'curiosities are gone'. Should I believe that? And due to my insecurities stemming from everything that happened with my ex, I get pretty nervous when she goes out clubbing with her friends and whatnot. And now this latest episode with me not being invited to her friend's birthday... I don't know. And I'm 23 btw. Well you can't hold your new gf accountable for the things your ex did, that's something you've got to move on from and get over in-between relationships. It's hard to deal with that in relationships because you just place the burden on someone else and relive it. You have to be able to trust her, until she gives you a really valid reason not to you. If you try to pull her close and keep her locked down, she's just going to resist, outright deny you or eventually turn into an ultimatum/leave. And the funny thing, It's not going to help you get over your trust issues, It's only giving you less anxiety that she is not doing anything because she is there in front of you or somewhere accountable, which is not a long-term solution. The problem is you in this case with your insecurity, there's nothing she can do or say to appease you. You need to realize this is an inward issue, not an issue with her...yes, she is outgoing, attractive, etc..but those only exacerbate the issue you already have, those are things you use to latch onto to feel the way that you do. You have to be able to open up and trust, you have to find a place where you tell yourself that I'm going to trust her and I'm not going to panic because this is only real in my own head, I can trust her and I'm going to preoccupy myself during these times and find peace with myself. Right now you're looking for an easy answer, and some other solution to your problem, but there isn't any. It's got to be done the hard way, why do you think people struggle with issues? they go around them, avoid them,they move onto someone else hoping that magically it will disappear then suddenly find themselves in the same situation, and come up with any excuse they can because it's easier than having to conquer your fears and face them. You've got to get those emotions out of you, you've got to face them and stop trying to push them down and hope they disappear. When people get out of relationships where they felt insecure from the last relationship, they typically look for some other person to adopt those issues and resolve them for them. It's like the vulnerable girl who gets with the unavailable guy and hopes that he'll do and say all of the right things...except that's you just works a little different for men. You're into this girl way more than she's into you, and that is going to make it all the more difficult. You're going to cloud your mind so much with your fears that you're going to manipulate yourself into this weird state of mind where everything you do and say is out of your insecurity, the fear will take over and it will become overwhelming and you won't know how to make it stop If you keep going down that road and listening to the voice that's telling you to panic, something is happening or might happen. Edited March 16, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas
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