What do I do now?

[Calloused Palms]

I'm in a similar boat as many of the other middle aged married men who have posted about a decline in their sex lives. I've read many of the posts and the advice given. I understand that my wife and I have different views on the importance of sex in a relationship and I understand the views of many of the women who have posted on the site. I've talked about the situation with my wife albeit in an uncomfortable way and she essentially repeated what the majority of the responding posts have already stated.

 

She felt that I only cared about the physical aspect of sex.

I stated that that was important but need her to be involved emotionally as well.

She said she is mentally drained (full time job, graduate school, mother of 3).

 

We generally spend equal amounts of time taking care of the kids, she does the shopping, I do most of the cooking and cleaning is split evenly (even if I feel I do more than my share)

 

I've tried increasing physical contact but she has never been an intimate person. She doesn't respond to affection, kissing, caressing, etc., claiming it makes her a little uncomfortable , kind of like I expect something. I grew up in a house where that was common place; my parent were very affectionate and were not shy about it. She, on the other hand, grew up in a very dysfunctional family.

 

I've tried massages before bed with no pressure for anything else with no results. I've left notes for her to find, stating out with just thinking of you messages and eventually escalating to somewhat racy in nature (the latter she didn't appreciate). Flowers and small gifts don't really do much, although I try and get flowers every now and then, just because. We don't go out too often just the two of us, but the last few times resulted in a nice dinner and her crashing out while I was still awake. She will acquiesce to sex if I press the issue but I feel guilty when doing so and it usually turns out very formulaic and doesn't satisfy my desire for her. I've tried to explain that it is her that I want and not the sex in general, but she still thinks that all I want is the physical act. When she is in the mood, the sex is great. The problem is that it is few and far between and she feels that our frequency "should be enough."

 

Lately I've refrained from making any suggestions that could be taken as a suggestion and haven't pressed the issue at all. I continually compliment her on her looks and try to make her see herself through my eyes; a gorgeous woman that turns me on to no end.

 

All this backstory is just for information. I know that I have to sit tight and continue with loving her as best I can and wait for her to come around. I'm not going anywhere and I know that eventually things will improve. I just hope they improve before my libido starts to decline.

 

 

My question to the forum is this: What do I do in the mean time?

 

I'm constantly in the mood, I get no satisfaction from masturbation, although end up frequently partaking just so I can get some sleep (and she doesn’t want me to anyway), she already knows my feelings and desires and I don't see the point in continually bringing the issue up.

 

Do I just sit back and wait while my hands continue to callous? A couple of years ago I tried to get her friend to talk to her about it discreetly but she is really private about these issues and doesn't like to discuss them with anyone.

 

Any ideas?

[bentnotbroken]

Have you read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? It is extremely helpful exploring the what truly says love for both partners. Your OP detailed several things that seemed contradictory to me.

[Shiloh 2011]

I'm in a similar boat as many of the other middle aged married men who have posted about a decline in their sex lives. I've read many of the posts and the advice given. I understand that my wife and I have different views on the importance of sex in a relationship and I understand the views of many of the women who have posted on the site. I've talked about the situation with my wife albeit in an uncomfortable way and she essentially repeated what the majority of the responding posts have already stated.

 

She felt that I only cared about the physical aspect of sex.

I stated that that was important but need her to be involved emotionally as well.

She said she is mentally drained (full time job, graduate school, mother of 3).

 

We generally spend equal amounts of time taking care of the kids, she does the shopping, I do most of the cooking and cleaning is split evenly (even if I feel I do more than my share)

 

I've tried increasing physical contact but she has never been an intimate person. She doesn't respond to affection, kissing, caressing, etc., claiming it makes her a little uncomfortable , kind of like I expect something. I grew up in a house where that was common place; my parent were very affectionate and were not shy about it. She, on the other hand, grew up in a very dysfunctional family.

 

I've tried massages before bed with no pressure for anything else with no results. I've left notes for her to find, stating out with just thinking of you messages and eventually escalating to somewhat racy in nature (the latter she didn't appreciate). Flowers and small gifts don't really do much, although I try and get flowers every now and then, just because. We don't go out too often just the two of us, but the last few times resulted in a nice dinner and her crashing out while I was still awake. She will acquiesce to sex if I press the issue but I feel guilty when doing so and it usually turns out very formulaic and doesn't satisfy my desire for her. I've tried to explain that it is her that I want and not the sex in general, but she still thinks that all I want is the physical act. When she is in the mood, the sex is great. The problem is that it is few and far between and she feels that our frequency "should be enough."

 

Lately I've refrained from making any suggestions that could be taken as a suggestion and haven't pressed the issue at all. I continually compliment her on her looks and try to make her see herself through my eyes; a gorgeous woman that turns me on to no end.

 

All this backstory is just for information. I know that I have to sit tight and continue with loving her as best I can and wait for her to come around. I'm not going anywhere and I know that eventually things will improve. I just hope they improve before my libido starts to decline.

 

 

My question to the forum is this: What do I do in the mean time?

 

I'm constantly in the mood, I get no satisfaction from masturbation, although end up frequently partaking just so I can get some sleep (and she doesn’t want me to anyway), she already knows my feelings and desires and I don't see the point in continually bringing the issue up.

 

Do I just sit back and wait while my hands continue to callous? A couple of years ago I tried to get her friend to talk to her about it discreetly but she is really private about these issues and doesn't like to discuss them with anyone.

 

Any ideas?

 

Show her this post or at least write her a letter telling her what you told us. Let her know you are serious and this is a big issue for you.

 

If she reacts positively and you start communicating, problem solved.

 

If she reacts negatively, then you have a larger problem than infrequent/incompatible sex and you should think about counseling.

 

Don't be a doormat for her. If she really loves you, she will address your concerns.

[giotto]

sounds very familiar... How often do you have sex? Are there any medical reasons why she might have a low libido? Unfortunately, it's a no win situation. You do nothing and you don't get sex, you pressurize and you don't get it because she feels pressurized. It's heartbreaking, also because you will always think that she is doing it to please you. I threatened divorce, but after many promises, nothing has really changed. You can try that. Maybe she will understand that you mean business. On the other had, you don't want her to have sex out of obligation, do you? We are now at day 17 with no intimate contacts... my hand is becoming callused as well...

[standtall]

Calloused...Bentnotbroken is dead on with the five Languages of Love. It worked wonders on my relationship with my wife. Also, as much as I didn't agree with a lot of what Gumby said, this part

 

The behavior described above is not sexually attractive to her. So stop doing it.

 

is true. That goes hand in hand with the five languages...those acts of service and gifts..ie..the foot rubs, notes, flowers etc. may not be her "language" and are very meaningless to her. You have to figure out what your wife appreciates and give it to her.

[standtall]

So you mean writing her a poem, giving her a box of candy, or perhaps washing the dishes will make her want to have sex with him, if she otherwise would rather not?

 

I'm afraid life just doesn't work that way.

 

What? That's not what I said. Women's desire for sex is a lot more complicated than just saying were married and you owe it to me. The love languages are a way for you to connect to your wife on an emotional level, and to help her feel loved by you. But why am I telling you this? I have just read the 22 posts you've put out here in the last 3 days and they're pretty much limited to you attacking everyone here. I'll take the advice from a published author over some internet troll any day of the week. Go bother someone else.

Edited March 18, 2012 by standtall