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Problem in relationship! I've developed feelings for another :/

Toxhicide

By Toxhicide
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

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Toxhicide Member

Toxhicide

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Why was this decision made? Not the bubbly reasons, but the true reasons. Was the conversation uncomfortable? Was it easier to go this route than the other?

 

To be honest it looks like something that will become a big back and forth scenario. This entire thread is a big mess and your age certainly doesn't help things. Did you suddenly lose all of your confusion?

 

I didn't want it to bee so difficult on us both. I don't need the whole week to come up with what I want to do. I have concluded that I like both girls, but I want to at least try and fix my relationship with my girlfriend at the moment. We say that we are going to try and fall in love again, so it might or might not work. We both do not know what to expect, and she has told me this a few times already. The only weird part is that she is wanting to be like we were 10 months ago, IE almost no touching of anything. I said let's do what feels right, but she insists and sais that if I really want to get more serious with her I have to feel that it is right and that I love her. the only thing I really feel is a bit of wanting the other girl, she is the "what if" girl I suppose. All I want is that she is happy, and I really don't care what she has done (if anything) or if she likes someone else. I did with my girlfriend early in the relationship, though. I possibly feel that way due to experience, not sure.

 

So yes, I mostly do want this decision I have made. If I figure that I do not want to be in the relationship, I will eventually not be. It is too early to tell for it has only been two days.

Philosoraptor Established Member

Philosoraptor

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Your girlfriend is hurt and taking a step back to possibly start fresh. If so, she is doing the right thing. But "mostly" is not a good enough reason. You're saying that you are mostly committed to being with her. Would you accept it if someone said this to you? Or would you be conservative like your girlfriend is now, and be caught in constant worry of when the end will come?

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Toxhicide Member

Toxhicide

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Your girlfriend is hurt and taking a step back to possibly start fresh. If so, she is doing the right thing. But "mostly" is not a good enough reason. You're saying that you are mostly committed to being with her. Would you accept it if someone said this to you? Or would you be conservative like your girlfriend is now, and be caught in constant worry of when the end will come?

 

My feelings are changing by the day. Monday is different from Tuesday is different from today, and today will probably be different from tomorrow. To keep up with how I feel, I am writing it down in a notebook before I sleep to keep a log. Today she freaked out over nothing (she sais that she is about to PMS soon), and claimed we were broken up. I just tried to talk to her, she changed her mind, etc. The one thing I can be certain that I want is to not give up without at least trying. If she breaks up with me out of anger and I do leave, I fear that she will text me back three to ten minutes later telling me to come back. If we do break up, I would want it to be when we are not emotionally compromised in such a way, if you can understand.

 

If I where to write this message tomorrow, it would probably convey something else, but these are my feelings at the moment.

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Toxhicide Member

Toxhicide

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I guess it's time I finally updated this.

 

We were together on Saturday. We were celebrating her fathers birthday (though it was Monday we did over the weekend). We spent the day together and it was alright. I have said that I enjoy spending time with her. She came over to my house and hang out with me, and we got in the hot tub later. Things got a little intimate, and I felt a little lustful. She said that before we were to do anything I had to say that I love her - and I did.

 

Went to my room (and in case you all are thinking it is nothing past second base, clothes on just to specify). She said before we were to do anything that I had to love her like I used to and agree to it. I told her that I would try, and that was the end of that. We then sat for 40 minutes discussing everything. We agreed to "take a break".

 

Sunday I texted her in the morning to say hello. For a few hours we were talking and she was confused. She stopped texting and I wanted to talk, only to hear her reply that she thought I wanted a break. Four hours later she texted me saying sorry and she wanted to know why I wanted a break if I love her. I told her that I thought it would be best for us. Many questions later, she thought that I was using her, got that out of the way... then she thought I wanted her as my backup, I also got that out of the way.

 

Her mother sent me a message on facebook as well as text, saying something along the lines of (and this is with corrected grammar and spelling) "please stop playing mind games with her she is stressed out and gets enough of that **** at school", I didn't add the word ****, her mother did. I chose to ignore her because it isn't about her.

 

Anyways, she (not her mother) finally asked if it was a break or a break up. I told her, after deliberation with my father, that I thought it was a break and I had to go read my book. She has not texted me back since. I sent her a message goodnight (my final message to her) which reassured her not to stress, she is a strong and resilient girl, she can do what she sets her mind to, etc. I tried to make her feel good about herself and told her good luck on her math quiz the next day. I refrained from saying "I love you", because I didn't want to make it too confusing for her mother to read.

 

So here I am, end of Monday. Oficially we haven't said break up yet, but she changed her facebook profile picture and relationship status promptly to being removed from her profile entirely. On my profile, instead of saying in a relationship with ... , it sais in a relationship, stating that she removed me from that. I am still friends with her mother and her.

 

No contact is pretty hard. I know it is a break, but I do care for her and do want to remain friends. How long does this have to last? She also chose different paths to take in the hallways at school. I only saw her once when I was leaving sitting on a bench with one of her friends, and I was about fifteen yards away walking towards my car and periodically looking at her to see if she saw me. She didn't, and if she did I was hoping to wave hello.

 

As to where this is going... I hope it goes in a good direction. I would like to soon be able to talk and help her as I used to. In a few weeks I may try to get into the group and hang out with the girl that I had thoughts of that instigated this whole mess in the first place. I guess I shall find out in three weeks time, no? It has only been sixteen days since I was confused.

Philosoraptor Established Member

Philosoraptor

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A break is just the step before a breakup. Many don't even clarify at the end, they just never get back together. You've also burned the bridges with the family as the mother obviously sees what the daughter is telling her... and that is that you're going back and forth. Right now it seems that you are trying to intellectualize your heart as a way to protect yourself. It doesn't make it any easier and only delays your healing.

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Toxhicide Member

Toxhicide

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A break is just the step before a breakup. Many don't even clarify at the end, they just never get back together. You've also burned the bridges with the family as the mother obviously sees what the daughter is telling her... and that is that you're going back and forth. Right now it seems that you are trying to intellectualize your heart as a way to protect yourself. It doesn't make it any easier and only delays your healing.

 

What do you mean me trying to intellectualize my heart?

 

And yes, I am aware of the family ties and I am aware that it is a step before break up.

 

Edit: Was on the phone with her for 50 minutes, and we finally ended it. First 30 were discussing it and she was a little mad, last 20 we were talking like friends. I can't really believe it's finally over. It is a strange feeling that I have...

Edited by Toxhicide
Philosoraptor Established Member

Philosoraptor

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Posted
What do you mean me trying to intellectualize my heart?

 

And yes, I am aware of the family ties and I am aware that it is a step before break up.

 

Edit: Was on the phone with her for 50 minutes, and we finally ended it. First 30 were discussing it and she was a little mad, last 20 we were talking like friends. I can't really believe it's finally over. It is a strange feeling that I have...

Take time apart for now and do not try to jump right into a friendship. Both of you need to heal before you can start spending time together without any issues.

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