Problem in relationship! I've developed feelings for another :/

March 16, 2012

Sorry if I get off topic sometimes or seem to vary, every paragraph is talking about a certain thing. Also, sorry that this post is long.

I am having a terrible time with myself. Last weekend as I left my girlfriends house, I began to think what it would be like if I were with a girl I liked in the seventh grade. This girl I had liked since the beginning of that year, and at the end I had made a fool of myself (gave her $10 early in the year for some reason, at the end of the year I passed her a note asking for her number and walked away only to be told the next day by her friend that she threw it out, though through the end of the year everything was normal and wasn't awkward). I get along with the girls friends well, one had a crush on my the next year. I find it odd that even after three/four years I still have feelings for the same girl. They have stayed with me, and when I started going out with my girlfriend they went away, only to reappear one time before this one. Only reason I am speaking of her now is to get it out of the way.

My relationship with my girlfriend is alright. We have been together 18 months and 21 days now, and are in high school. I will say that we have not had sex and do not plan to. I see her almost every day, we usually hold hands or my hand is around hers. Kiss sometimes, hug, etc. Sometimes we say "I love you" throughout the day. I really do enjoy being with her. When we hang out we usually have a good time. Last weekend she was at my house and we watched TV, cuddling, kissing sometimes, etc. Every day after school (during a school week) I usually help her with her work. We do have time to ourselves, but it has been this way mostly since we have been together. We do go on dates periodically, I took her out to eat a month ago for valentines day. Today, she asked if I was feeling alright because I have been acting a little differently the past few days.

It seems as if I do not have strong feelings for my girlfriend anymore. Don't get me wrong, I do like being with her very much, but I don't think I "love" her as I used to. Maybe I never really "did". When I met her I was very excited to be in my first relationship. First kiss, etc. Six months in I told her I loved her because that is truly what I felt I wanted to tell her. I don't have much feeling, and I am completely aware that the honeymoon stage ends after a few months of the relationship, but the fact that I am questioning my own relationship is a bit strange at the moment. I remember losing feeling early on in the relationship and telling myself that it is normal and that is how it is supposed to be. Maybe it's possible that I love being in a relationship. I am very confused.

At the moment I wish there was a way to be with a girl I liked three to four years ago and to make everyone happy around me at the same time. I am a pacifist and don't like hurting people. My girlfriend is not the best at school and has seizures. It feels as if I am the one person who supports her as I do sometimes. I help her a lot at school, as I said. I feel as if I were to break up with her it would be bad for her and also me because I don't want to feel bad for doing so. I hope that this is just not a phase I am going through at the moment. If we were to break up, I would very much like to stay friends. I can say that she is my best friend. I don't want to hurt anyone. I also don't want to end up making the wrong decision either way. What if I shouldn't break up with my girlfriend, or what if I should? I'm not sure.

I hope that someone can help me. I've decided to wait a few weeks and if I feel the same I will talk to my parents about it. If they agree, I'll talk to my girlfriend, and if we become friends, I would wait a few weeks and try to become friends with her friends. I hope that this is all a dream and I will wake up in my place.

March 16, 2012

you said seventh grade so I'm wondering, are you out of highschool?

March 16, 2012

you said seventh grade so I'm wondering, are you out of highschool?

Still in high school.

March 16, 2012

You're kids and this is natural. But be mature about it and just end the relationship before you start to jump into things with this new girl.

March 16, 2012

Why do kids have to get so serious? High school is for dating and having fun!! Don't get all serious about one person, you have so much ahead of you. You are growing and your feelings are changing. And kudos for holding on to your virginity. PS, don't wait till prom time to let go of your current g/f, that would be devastating.

March 17, 2012

You're kids and this is natural. But be mature about it and just end the relationship before you start to jump into things with this new girl.

Yes, I am aware that I should do so.

Why do kids have to get so serious? High school is for dating and having fun!! Don't get all serious about one person, you have so much ahead of you. You are growing and your feelings are changing. And kudos for holding on to your virginity. PS, don't wait till prom time to let go of your current g/f, that would be devastating.

I wouldn't wait til' prom to break up with my girlfriend. That is why I am trying to make the decision in the next few weeks. I like to be in a serious relationship because I know that the girl I am dating is not for fun, I am trying to be with someone who I can love and who can also love me back the same way. I like that. I am aware that I am growing.

Do either of you have comments on anything else, or why I could have held feelings for the other girl this long?

March 17, 2012

Yes, I am aware that I should do so.

I wouldn't wait til' prom to break up with my girlfriend. That is why I am trying to make the decision in the next few weeks. I like to be in a serious relationship because I know that the girl I am dating is not for fun, I am trying to be with someone who I can love and who can also love me back the same way. I like that. I am aware that I am growing.

Do either of you have comments on anything else, or why I could have held feelings for the other girl this long?

I'm going to sound like a hopelessly stuffy old fart here, but it makes perfect sense that you've held on to your feelings towards the other girl.

Early romantic connections run deep.

They leave a big impression on you.

It's no mystery why your mind keeps returning to her -- you liked her.

And she left a mark on you.

That doesn't change as you get older, either.

You'll always remember the ones who took your breath away.

And that's awesome.

I think the others have given you great advice --

Just be open, honest and kind to everyone involved.

If you find yourself wanting to pursue the other girl, you should be straight-forward with your current girlfriend . Just be understanding and gentle, and let her know FAR in advance of the prom. You owe her that.

You sound like a good guy -- you'll do the right thing.

There may be some bumps along the way, but you can never go wrong by being truthful and treating others with respect.

March 17, 2012

I'm going to sound like a hopelessly stuffy old fart here, but it makes perfect sense that you've held on to your feelings towards the other girl.

Early romantic connections run deep.
They leave a big impression on you.

It's no mystery why your mind keeps returning to her -- you liked her.
And she left a mark on you.

That doesn't change as you get older, either.
You'll always remember the ones who took your breath away.
And that's awesome.

I think the others have given you great advice --

Just be open, honest and kind to everyone involved.

If you find yourself wanting to pursue the other girl, you should be straight-forward with your current girlfriend . Just be understanding and gentle, and let her know FAR in advance of the prom. You owe her that.

You sound like a good guy -- you'll do the right thing.
There may be some bumps along the way, but you can never go wrong by being truthful and treating others with respect.

My girlfriend has noticed that I have been acting differently this week. Thanks for your opinion, that does make sense. At the end of this week, or maybe in two, I will probably decide on whether to talk to my girlfriend about it or stay with her.

It's just still a little confusing that this is all happening now. A week ago we were perfectly normal, at least it seemed.

Edit:

Also, I forgot to mention today. Today was good between us, an average good weekend. We got a little intimate, nothing too serious, and I tried to see if I felt anything with her today. When I left I didn't feel as "detached", but I still feel really bad because it seems that she really does like me a lot. I am a bit detached from the relationship at the moment. She is the one hugging me a lot now, kissing, saying "I love you more" stuff more than I used to, etc. I do feel that we get along very well. Kissing feels natural, as does being together, etc. Is all of this supposed to strengthen our relationship or to tell that it isn't meant to be? What is our relationship supposed to feel like at this moment in time?

Edit again:

I looked over a scrap book she gave me for Christmas last year that is like a timeline of our relationship. I also read the first and only letter she has ever written me, was written 7 months into our relationship. I also read the valentines card she gave me and looked at the bear that I got from her. She has a box that has everything I have gotten her over the years. Homecoming pictures, a few roses, corsage, necklace (that she wears every day), two handwritten letters (that took me forever to write because I write badly), memories, etc. She also has some of my moms clothes that she gave her. The hardest part is thinking that if I do break up with her, how will she feel when she opens that box or looks at her diary? I broke down crying for ten minutes a while ago. I don't want to make the wrong decision. If I break up with her both of us will be devastated. If I stay with her, I might not be the right guy, and due to how I am feeling now, I don't want to just break up with her in the future and it be worse, or cause further problems. I don't know. I can't handle this anymore.

Please help :'(

Edited March 17, 2012 by Toxhicide

March 17, 2012

I am going over to her house today. I wonder how it will be. It is very awkward thinking about the near future when with my girlfriend. I wish no one would have to go through things like this.

March 17, 2012

She's hugging and kissing you a lot more now because she feels you pulling away. You said she noticed a change in you, and she *feels* it even more. It's wonderful to see that you're agonizing over this so much. Don't hide that struggle from your GF. Learn to open up and be honest.

If you break up with her, don't pretend to be arrogant and callous if you're really hurting. Too many times a girl thinks the boy doesn't care at all because they're acting like arrogant and cold. Show her you care, even if you decide to split.

And, yes, it will devastate both of you. Breakups do that. Do it with love and respect.

March 18, 2012

Considering how young you are, I commend you and your gf for being together for so long. Yet with that said, what you are going through is normal. Nobody likes to break up with someone, especially since you two do get along quite well and you do care about her, a lot. I think she probably knows this relationship isn't a 'forever' thing but also more than likely isn't thinking ahead of when it'll end.

My advice is, don't do the "It's me not you" talk. Be kind, be respectful and nice.. This doesn't have to end badly (meanly) though I'm sure she's going to be hurt. Don't offer friendship but let her know you are there if she needs to talk and stuff. Since you'll be seeing her at school there has to be some kind of 'closure' so both of you can be okay seeing one another in the hallways or in classes.

I also wouldn't go ask that other girl out too soon. Even though you've been detaching from your girlfriend for a while now, don't be that guy that goes for someone else the following week or two after a break up.

March 18, 2012

Thanks to both of you. I was at her house today, yes she can sense it. She tried to get me to tell her what was wrong, even said if I like someone else or lost feelings for her she just wanted to know. I can't tell her now, I am still waiting to see if my feelings change. She took me outside and laid under the stars with me. I cried in her arms because the whole time I was thinking that it would probably one of the last times we would be like that. She doesn't know the reason for my crying because I told her that I do not know. I felt that I wanted to be with her because I felt so bad and didn't want to hurt her, but at the same time I was thinking that it is possible it will end up worse. She is sensing us change and is trying to mend our relationship. It is so terrible and I know that I am going to seem like the worst person in the world both to me and her . I don't want to hurt anyone.

This has probably been one of the worst weeks of my life. I would have never imagined this to happen. I can't really say how I am feeling right now because I am very confused about it all. Hopefully by tomorrow or Monday I will be able to report with a better and clearer mind.

Also, I wont automatically go for the other girl. I don't know, if the breakup happens, how long it will take me to recover. I also would have to talk with her friends (who I am an acquaintance) to see if I can even hang out with all of them. It will take time to even try for the other girl after I get over the possible breakup.

It's just hard to figure out what to do.

Edited March 18, 2012 by Toxhicide

March 18, 2012

She senses something is wrong and 'off'. Don't put it off for too long as she is going to worry and think about this 24/7.

March 18, 2012

She senses something is wrong and 'off'. Don't put it off for too long as she is going to worry and think about this 24/7.

Yeah, I know. I really can't think about the other girl right now, but I am thinking more about how I would even begin to hang out with her friends and how bad I really feel about my girlfriend, etc. I should be more clear about what I am going to do next week.

March 18, 2012

She just got angry after texting on the phone because some messages aren't going through on both of our behalves. After arguing a bit she asked what if we took a break, claimed we "are done" a text later (which doesn't mean we really are, just her heat of the moment). I knew something like this would happen all along, I just didn't know when. It has only been a week. I am going to tell her to give all of this a week and at the end we can talk about everything and what we are going to do.

This all happened as I was typing the message, just told her what I think we should do. Will edit when I get a reply.

Edit: She agreed to do so. She said that she guesses she feels ok. I will be talking to her all day to assure her that I only mean the best for her. Telling her that I will always support her, be there if she needs me (for I can and will), etc.

Edit again: Now she sais that she does not want to break up but needs a little space to think about everything. :/

Edited March 18, 2012 by Toxhicide

March 18, 2012

Maybe space is exactly what you need. You'll both have some time to yourselves to re-evaluate your feelings. Find out who you miss the most when you're alone.

When I was your age I was in the exact same position. I had the opportunity to be with my first real crush, or stay with my current girlfriend who I also felt strongly for. I probably made the right decision in the end, but that doesn't mean it was the best. I ended up getting hurt, but at that age it is inevitable. After growing up and watching them progress into who they are now, It's safe to say I would've gotten hurt no matter who I picked.

Do what makes you happy in the end. Don't think about being with the other girls or what they want, but just think about you as an individual. What are your needs? What would make you happy?

March 18, 2012

You two should be discussing this by phone, not email or text. It's so non personal and unemotional with 'words' being said back and forth, plus it's so easy to take something out of context or read a word a certain way etc..

Imagine if there were no cells, you two would be having this conversation either by phone or face to face. Texting is bad, email/facebook messages are bad when having serious discussions that involve feelings and emotions.

Anyway, space usually means break up eventually. She knows something is off as I mentioned earlier.. It's good if you two can end things as nicely as possible so there's no weirdness when having to see one another at school.

March 19, 2012

We are going to talk on the phone soon after she takes a shower. I am crying right now. I don't want to lose her, but at the same time I know that with everything I am feeling that it will be inevitable. I don't know if I can handle it if she starts to cry. I thought last week was bad, this week is going to be horrible. I am screwed no matter what I do.

Why does life have to be terrible?

March 19, 2012

At your age, everything is traumatic.

Having said that...

As a man, I am really proud of you for how you are handling this situation. What you are doing is the brave thing and takes courage. You should be very proud of yourself.

March 19, 2012

If it makes you feel better, I'm with Gibson-- I think you're conducting yourself with courage and integrity. You're making a difficult choice and are handling it sincerely and considerately. You should feel good about that.

As long as you're honest and show her the kindness she deserves, you'll both survive this just fine.

It'll hurt.

But you'll both make it.

March 19, 2012

I just got off the phone with her. She doesn't understand why I am confused right now and quite frankly neither do I. I wish I could tell her why so bad but I just cant. I was in tears and crying most of the hour that I talked to her. That other girl is the least of my worries right now. I see her picture on facebook and I tell myself that I can be happy with her, but that is all at the moment. I really need this next week to see how I feel about the both of them. Am I making a mistake here? Is all of the crying my way of telling myself that I do love her? She finally agreed to act normally this week and asked if I can do the same. I am afraid that if I decide at the end of this week to stay with her, how will the relationship play out? In a few weeks will I think "well it feels quite stale now and routine, etc"? Should I try to act as if I was not confused about anything this week? She said that she did not want us to hang out. Should we? I don't know what love is supposed to feel like. What if this is what it is supposed to feel like and I am making the biggest mistake of my life?

Worst week before me, even a worse week coming ahead.

Edit: And I will say this because it is on my mind at the moment. What if I am trying to convince myself that I am to be with my girlfriend? Better yet, what if I am just trying to convince myself that it is for the best so I can try and prove to myself that I can get that other girl?

That other girl, I can just hope that she is doing good right now. My mind is fixated on my current girlfriend.

Edited March 19, 2012 by Toxhicide

March 19, 2012

You're getting ahead of yourself, pal.

See how life feels without *either* girl for a little while.

If you let your emotions drive the bus right now, you'll wind up in a ditch.

You and your girlfriend are both confused right now.

Don't make it worse by having a knee-jerk reaction to your recent detachment.

It's going to be very hard to pull off, and it will feel totally unnatural, but the best thing you can do for a little while is NOTHING.

You need to let your emotions settle down a bit so you can make your decisions with a clear head.

You deserve that, and so do these girls.

Take a week or two, or however long you need, and just live quietly with your decision, without taking ANY further action.

When the dust settles, and you've stopped crying, if you feel like you made a mistake, you can address it then.

Or, if you feel comfortable you made the right call, then you can consider your next move.

Just don't leap into anything.

You don't want to create a situation where you are putting anyone on a see-saw. It's not fair to anyone if you go back and forth and back and forth, y'know?

Give it a little time.

The answer will present itself.

March 19, 2012

At the end of this week I should have come with an answer. We wont be hanging out at all, though. Maybe the answer will be to take a break, but I am not sure.

March 20, 2012

We talked today about everything and decided to at least try and make our relationship work, try to "fall in love again". I don't really know how this is going to play out or what will end up happening, but I hope that the best comes out of this decision. It is truly what I felt was best to do, for my feelings and for the both of us.

What do you think about my decision?

Edited March 20, 2012 by Toxhicide

March 20, 2012

What do you think about my decision?

Why was this decision made? Not the bubbly reasons, but the true reasons. Was the conversation uncomfortable? Was it easier to go this route than the other?

To be honest it looks like something that will become a big back and forth scenario. This entire thread is a big mess and your age certainly doesn't help things. Did you suddenly lose all of your confusion?

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Problem in relationship! I've developed feelings for another :/

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