ZGatorGuy Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 So I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 1/2 years. When we first met we both agreed it was "love at first sight" it actually kinda scared us both. We were basically together all the time and after a year and a half we decided to move in together. We got an apartment with her sister and shared a 2 bedroom apartment for the past 2 years. Just about 2 weeks ago she said that she needed her space and wanted some time to worry about herself. We both agreed that it would probably be for the best for both of us. I have come to the conclusion that I am too close to her and the only way that she will "miss me" and "love me" again is for no contact. But here is the problem I am facing: We have a little more than a month left on our current lease and are both looking for new places. I am currently going to school (for the second time) and my semester doesn't end until May, so I decided to move all of my stuff into our loft (guest bedroom) and try to somewhat separate ourselves. I can't afford to move out quite yet, nor can she and we have to spend this next month living together. What is the best way to have no contact while still living under the same roof?
HollyBolly Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 Anyone have any suggestions? This is a tough one. I don't think there is ANY way you can establish NC whilst living with someone. That being said, you can perhaps try to come up with a schedule whereby you can avoid each other as much as possible? How big is the place you're living in? Do you even have your own separate bedrooms? Obviously you share a kitchen and living room, etc. What about the bathroom? It can't be easy walking in there, seeing all her **** lying around.
Diamonds&Rust Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 You can't have no contact if you live together. That's contact. It's like asking how to keep one's pet fish dry.
Author ZGatorGuy Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 Well I go to school full time and work full time so there is always that. I have established my bedroom upstairs in the loft and I pretty much know her schedule so it would be pretty easy to avoid her, but I don't really have that many close friends and it's always a struggle to find things to do. I find myself spending my spare time doing homework or playing video games. But there is always that down time after work and in between school that it's almost unavoidable. We are also about to have to start going through our things and dividing up whose is whose so we can move. Moving out is going to be tough, should I help her pack up some of her things or be completely cold to her and just take care of what is mine? I don't want to ruin whatever type of "friendliness" we might have right now and become hostile towards her b/c I don't think that will help anything.
Diamonds&Rust Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 She's an adult and can move her own stuff. It's not being cold to only worry about your things. As for your original question, I really think even though you're able to avoid her, it's just not the same as no contact. You're still sharing the space that you shared while you were in a relationship, and no contact is really more of a post-separation coping strategy. 1
CC12 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 As for your original question, I really think even though you're able to avoid her, it's just not the same as no contact. You're still sharing the space that you shared while you were in a relationship, and no contact is really more of a post-separation coping strategy. Yeah. This. You're both adults living under the same roof, so you have to remain in contact for certain things. You can't just cold-shoulder her every time you run into each other in the kitchen while making Cup-O-Noodles and stuff. You're going to have to be cordial to her, for the sole reason of making both your living situations bearable for the next month. the only way that she will "miss me" and "love me" again is for no contact. You're using no contact as a way to get her to want you again or something. That's a game. Don't play stupid games. The whole point of the no contact thing is supposed to be for you. For you to get over it on your own. Not just a ploy to make her want you again.
Diamonds&Rust Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Also, if you do want her to miss and want you, it's not because you're going to childishly avoid her and not talk to her when you're in the same space. Hurry out, I've been in your spot. You just have to get out as soon as you can. It's devastating when you start seeing shoes you don't recognize.
blindnowisee Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I had this situation as well.. Just be civil and carry on doing your own things. If you find yourself at home a lot.. now is the time to take on a new hobby. Try to be away from home as much as you can i.e. showing her that you're getting on fine without her.
Headintheclouds Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I feel your pain man. I too am stuck in this situation until the end of this month. In my case, she is already seeing someone else. She hasn't brought him home or anything and I know she won't, but its just an extra sting to deal with. The best you can do is be straight forward and civil with her. For me that has been hard. I haven't flipped out on her or broke down and cried. There have been a few talks that got a bit emotional. When we speak it is pretty cut and dry. She was my best friend and its like the friend part has been cut out. Sometimes she comes at me with small talk as if nothing is wrong. As soon as that conversation goes into the "friend zone" I usually shut it down somehow by being short with her. Seeing her clothes around sucks. Finding movie stubs and receipts from dinners (dates) etc on her desk also eats me up. She leaves these things in plain view almost for me to see them. Its like she rubs it in my face. I am doing everything for myself that I possibly can. I've been in the gym again full force, cycling, yoga, hanging out with friends after work. I've slept on friends couches multiple nights just so I don't have to face her. I suggest you do as much as you can outside the apartment. In my case, I usually feel ok during my day. At night is when we are both usually in the apartment together. Its like my feelings reset every day. Its almost like going NC for a half a day and then you are face to face with your ex and it all comes back to you. Its near impossible to escape. You just have to go through it. The past few days I have been in rough shape. Its almost like the feelings are getting stronger and the situation more real. I have less than 2 weeks left and see the light at the end. There is still a lot left to go. As for the move, We have sort of split our stuff up. I sent her a couple emails that were strictly to the point of moving and who gets what. Its the "going through" part that hurts the most. When we finally move, I have decided not to help her. She just told me that she is paying someone to move her stuff. I am trying to stagger the move out times so we don't have to cross paths. And then brings the question, what will happen in that final moment? Will we just walk away? Will we move at separate times and not have to say a word? I keep thinking about that. Its hard not to. I just want to be able to move on and I'm sure you do too. Best of luck to you, you are not alone in this.
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