Leave the mundane. Totally scared

[Brady47]

Hey

This is my first post. I have been a lurker for a while.

 

Had an affair early in the marriage. don't regret it. miss the woman. (got that out of the way)

 

Story.

Married my college friend. I love her. She is such a good person.

We are both in our early 30's and it dawned on me- we have different philosophies on life- on raising kids to the point where I told her I "don't think kids would be good for the marriage" essentially saying- "no" for kids.

 

We are both finishing residency and as physicians our salary will jump big time. She is more a Burberry type of girl and I am a Target type of guy.... to give you an idea. I can only imagine the frustrating with "finances" once we start making a salary.

 

We are low sex/no sex. I love sex- she tells me she does- but i am NOT sexually attracted to her. We were in Kenya a few months ago. My only memory of her is what she looked like in a swim suit.... I remember asking myself "I should be able to do better than that." (I understand this is wrong, but it is what it is.)

 

Lastly, I feel like if we were to break up she wouldn't have a lasting impression- meaning there won't be many reminders of her in daily life- she is very vanilla. Likes Top 40 music- reads Best Seller Books- there is no "niche" that makes her super unique. She is run of the mill good girl. I find that I am in a "safe" relationship with her.... the problem is- I just don't feel fulfilled. I am not white-picket fence guy- nor am I a wild man. I just want to "want" her and I don't. not nearly. I enjoy her company but there is no deeper feeling of gratification.

 

I am a nice guy and can tolerate non-optimal circumstances for a while. I consider this marriage a "limbo" that I found myself in and that I partly created.

My question is when should i set aside my ability to tolerate the mundane and get out of a relationship? When should I say **** it- this relationship isn't that bad but it isn't for me?!

 

I have told my friends- they think I am crazy cuz she is a "nice girl". I love her dearly- but after 10 years- I feel like if I don't make a change now when the hell will I? When I am fat and 40?

 

I am divorcing a nice girl- my friend for the unknown. It is such a big risk and I am totally afraid. If I stay in this relationship I will have a save minimally fulfilling low-sex life..... but I want more

 

Advice peeps.

Ohh yeah, we did counseling last year- these issues have been raised up- nothing has changed. so please don't rec more counselling

 

Thx

B

[Almond_Joy]

Bite the bullet, man.

 

It's great you talked it out, but getting more opinions isn't going to get you where you want to be. You've established that your differences are irreconcilable....what more is there to ruminate on?

 

Good luck - I'm sure this will be a rough process for the both of you even if it does leave you happier in the long run.

[marqueemoon4]

You seem really flippant about your affair early on. Seems like your marriage was doomed from the start, and maybe both of you weren't ready for it. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

[sad puppy]

I had an affair with a man that claimed, and I'm pretty sure it was true, he had been in a sexless marriage for 8 years. He had kids, though. I've researched this sexless marriage issue and I can tell you right now, you gotta get out.

 

Sounds like you're checked out already, not attracted to her at all. Do both of you a favor, cut her loose. Both of you will be happier in the long run.

 

Life changes, people change.

[hotloader]

You'll be totally fuct financially at first, but in the end you'll recover. Since you don't have kids, your suffering will be at a minimum. It'll still take you a few years to get back on track though. There's really no sugarcoating this fact. She might say she's not gonna stick it to you, but once she talks to a lawyer, it's game-on. Suck it up and take it like a man, and just tell yourself it'll pass.

 

Once you're single again, I highly suggest you focus on yourself for a while and "play the field" so to speak. Don't get into a serious relationship. If you can help it, don't get into a relationship at all. Sample the wares for a while.

[Lis007]

You dont seem like a very nice guy on the surface. I dont know about you... but she could do a whole let better than you mate!

 

I can't believe you posted the memory of her in a swimsuit it just shows how shallow you are.

 

Your poor wife having to waste time with you.

[LondonUK]

You don't love her - get out and meet a woman you want to be with. Your post is literally screaming of unhappiness. Good luck.

[worldgonewrong]

Was your wife made aware of your early affair through marriage counseling?

 

I think you should get out of the marriage only because you have such contempt and disdain for her -- you sugar it by saying "she's nice", which somehow self-validates you as a person for saying that. On the basis of what you've written above, you don't strike me as a nice person. You obviously have charm, that attracts women, but you're not in it for the long-haul and again, on the basis of what you've written above, I don't think (at this point) you would be able to appreciate a nice woman even if she had a body 10x better than your wife's. I say all that without one iota of anger. It just it what it is, to use your words.

[worldgonewrong]

p.s. note the subject title "leaving the mundane". It speaks volumes about YOU, not about her.

You could marry a Playboy bunny and go through the hottest honeymoon period of your life. And then what? You discover she also gets diarrhea like everyone else; she gets little lumpy in places; she reads Danielle Steel novels; she has horrible morning breath. Etc.

"Mundane" happens one way or the other. It's how we act - in service of our spouses, with each other - that makes a spark happen in the midst of the regular humdrum of life.

Maybe you're just after the 'quick fix'. I've no idea. But you seem to be putting a lot on HER, rather than looking within first.

[Steen719]

Maybe you should tell her everything you have just told us and she will make the decision for you. Does she know that you cheated in the marriage or that you find her mundane? vanilla? doesn't look good in a swim suit? run of the mill? By comparison, you seem to have elevated your status to exciting, attractive & unique, which is what most people who cheat in a marriage think about themselves.

You don't deserve her. Let her go so that she can find someone who might appreciate her for her good qualities.

[stillafool]

It's incredible how many people are compatible on paper but have problems when it comes to sex. OP what was your affair partner like? Was she the opposite of your wife?

[Brady47]

First.

Thanks all for the replies.

 

I came to this forum to tell my side of the story. How i feel. The problem with feelings is that they are *mine* you can't change them and they are formed from previous interactions. There doesn't even need to be a rational set of circumstances to form feelings- they are what they are. Dealing with these feelings is what I am trying to figure out.

 

A relationship, in my opinion, has four components to make a connection

Intellectual

Emotional

Spiritual

Sexual

 

The relationship I have, right now, has a solid Intellectual component. The other three are there but they aren't optimal by any means. Sexual isn't going to happen. It would of after 10 years. Spiritual is important but I have failed her in that realm. Emotional is a confounded component- it is linked to the state of the relationship- if I check out that checks out.

 

For posters to say I am a bad person because I am not sexually attracted to my wife is totally fare (swimsuit comment). But that doesn't change the fact that I am not sexually attracted to my wife. I don't lust after my wife- I am NOT sexually attracted to my wife is a very difficult thing to say.

 

We don't have mental health problems. We don't abuse drugs or alcohol. We live decent lives. We are not alpha-type controlling freaks. We try to do the right thing most of the time. Yes, she knows about the affair and she knows how I don't feel fulfilled now. She can't accept failure in a professional or personal sense. She doesn't want the marriage to end- because that is as public as a failure gets.

 

I think the relationship ran it's course. Yet I am the bad person for calling it what it is?

 

I feel as if everywhere I turn I am vilified because I am not fulfilled.

[Steen719]

I feel as if everywhere I turn I am vilified because I am not fulfilled.

 

I don't think people react to you because you are not fulfilled. I think it is because you seem to exude an attitude that somehow the way you are (exiting, attractive, smart, different) is better than your wife (vanilla, mundane, unattractive). I think most people will agree that if you do not love her the way a man should love his wife and you cannot get that back, you should not stay married. I think some of the reason you got the reaction you did was because people were giving you an honest response to what you said (realizing that most people here are having problems in their own marriage) and sorry....you come across as arrogant and conceited. Now, you may not be that way, but when I read your post, that is what it sounded like. The other thing is no one is vilifying you. You asked and people told you what they thought. You cannot expect to just hear that you are doing the exact correct thing. You ask 100 people for an opinion, you will get 100 opinions. Now...that is my opinion.

Edited March 16, 2012 by Steen719
inefficient typing

[Brady47]

First Sad Puppy and Almond Joy- thanks for the replies.

 

You are correct.

I totally came off like an arse....

I don't expect people to think divorce is always the way to go, and lets be honest, the sample population who is commenting on the posts is going through their own stuff... myself included. Why else would they be on this website

 

I guess I want reassurance. Not that I expected to get any. That life will be fine after the dust settles and I won't want to come crawlng back to a house of cards I just destroyed.

 

I just didn't find what I am looking for- it took years to come to this conclusion. I always felt we would pull the corner and get to that special place a relationship gets to but we haven't and it just sucks.

Edited March 16, 2012 by Brady47

[twice shy]

Do what must be done. You don't need so much in the way of confirmation. Your heart doesn't lie. Get out now.

[Almond_Joy]

I guess I want reassurance. Not that I expected to get any. That life will be fine after the dust settles and I won't want to come crawlng back to a house of cards I just destroyed.

 

 

 

^^I had to try really hard not to say that in my first response. We all want a guarantee that if we're leaving something good we'll get something better (or, at worst, just as good) later on.

 

But there's no guarantee of that in life, and to tell you otherwise would be feeding delusion IMO .

 

Be prepared to lose what you have and be unable to get it back/have it again, as that is a very real possibility. Hoping for the best for both of you, really, but.....that is the truth of it.

[Eighty8]

I feel as if everywhere I turn I am vilified because I am not fulfilled.

 

There comes a point when you have to realize that what other people think really doesn't matter.

 

You have to seek your happiness in this life.

 

As you are deftly aware, we only get one.

[Eighty8]

I guess I want reassurance. Not that I expected to get any. That life will be fine after the dust settles and I won't want to come crawlng back to a house of cards I just destroyed.

 

This is the biggest aspect of this endeavor for which you must prepare. There is a level of comfort, stability, and routine in your life to which you have grown accustomed.

 

You're going to have to get ready to come home to an empty house, where no one is there to hear about your day or help you with the things you can do on your own.

 

The monumental tasks (choosing divorce and filing) become easy, but the little things wreak havoc on the mind. For me the little things like not having someone to put lotion on my back, or open a jar I was not physically strong enough to open would have me in tears.

 

I realized, though, that it was just part of the grieving process and completely normal. You're going to have to accept the fact that even though you want this to end, you want this change in your life, you want to find your happiness, there is a life you shared with another for 10 years, and you are going to be impacted heavily by the loss of it.

 

Just have your mantra for yourself in your weak moments to remind yourself why it is you chose this path, and why it is you're going to continue to walk it.

 

I have been divorced for ten months now. I finally stopped crying about it a month ago. I am the one that petitioned for divorce. My ex did NOT want me to leave him. I had to though. Life is too short to be miserable.

And, I have kids. So, if I can do this, so can you.

 

Good luck.

 

88

[maybealone]

We were in Kenya a few months ago. My only memory of her is what she looked like in a swim suit.... I remember asking myself "I should be able to do better than that." (I understand this is wrong, but it is what it is.)

 

This struck a chord with me. My husband was slender when we married. Shortly afterwards he gained weight (not sure how much, at least 30 pounds) and never lost it. I did not care. I mean, I cared in the sense that I didn't want it to affect his health, but as for appearance, I still thought he was the most adorable man in the world.

 

That is, until the sex and affection dried up. I think that the lack of intimate connection to him made me look more harshly at his appearance. I still think he's a good-looking guy, but sometimes gorgeous men pay attention to me and I will occasionally have thoughts similar to "I could do better." And again, I never had these thoughts when things were good.

 

I probably would go back to thinking he was the most adorable man in the world if that intimate connection came back. And I do believe that in some cases, if the relationship is improved than the intimacy will follow. You might want to try, like I did, to repair the relationship if for no other reason than to minimize regrets later on. I think those moments of feeling lost and alone can be a little more tolerable if you know you tried your best.

[marqueemoon4]

No love no kids no spark no intimacy = get out now. Just don't be a douche about it.