klein.bella82 Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 I live in California and he lives in Italy. We've been dating for 9 months now (5 of those months we were apart) and are in our late 20s. We get along really well and are madly in love with one another. He has put his foot down and refuses to move here, due to his family, work and school obligations (plus he is very proud of his country). In fact he "predicts" that I will be the one moving there. He has already talked about being together in the future and having a family. I have established a career here and own a home, not to mention have my family and friends here. I really love him so much, he has been such a positive force in my life encouraging me to go after my goals and dreams. He brings out the best in me and we have both agreed that we have never felt this way about any other person before. I can picture myself marrying him (despite the challenges of learning a new language and starting a new career)...but it is too early in the relationship and I believe we should get to know one another more before taking such a big step. However, we can't really get to know every dimension of each other without physically being together, texts and Skype can only offer so much. I really want us to work...should I move in order for us to develop our relationship to the next level?
wildgeese Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 Is it possible for you to spend the summer, or even a month or two at a different time in the year, in Italy or vice versa?
Author klein.bella82 Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 I have already visited in December and he plans to visit in June. It's so much time apart and one month doesn't feel like enough time. I am considering to request a leave of absence from work for a couple of months, but then comes up the issue of me bending over backwards more than him for our relationship...
wildgeese Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 I agree, that isn't enough time, but it may have to do for the situation you're in. A leave of absence would be much smarter at this point than actually moving. But it sounds to me like you're growing resentful of his stubbornness and that could mean dangerous things for your relationship. You can't keep score in a relationship and always expect it to be even. Sometimes one of you has to sacrifice a little more, sometimes the other does. Are you afraid that his unwillingness to move means that he is capable of other demands down the line? You may be right in that, though only time can tell. The Italians I know personally are indeed very proud of their country and I doubt any of them would move over here permanently either. If you think that this man and this relationship is worth the effort (which is seems you do since you said you could see yourself marrying him), then you very well may have to be the one to sacrifice a little more this time.
Author klein.bella82 Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 I'm not growing resentful of his stubbornness, in fact I love how proud he is of his beautiful country and culture. I'm getting resentful and frustrated with our situation, which he has also voiced as well. He says that he is working hard for me so I can move there and not worry about having to work, so I know he is making sacrifices too. I just feel like I'm the crazy American girl chasing after the Italian man all the way across the world. But I see your point and have it already in mind that I will be the one who has to make a big sacrifice. Thanks!
cerridwen Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 What concerns me about the moving (and correct me if I'm wrong) is the only reason to be in that country is him. Do you feel a connection with the country/culture? Is it some place you've been before and could envision living in? If he wasn't in the picture and you weren't tied down, would you consider moving there on your own? Ever? In any relationship, it's good to have outside interests and passions. It's wise to have your own goals apart from the interpersonal. I'm sure you don't want to be glommed onto him all the time. But because of the language barrier, pursuing interests might be stymied. I'm concerned about the effect that would have on the both of you. I wonder if you'd feel isolated. Would you have given up career, home, friends, family only to find yourself living in a place where all revolves around him?
shorty7 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I'd strongly advise against moving there for the sake of just being with him. You need to focus first on what makes you happy by you being yourself. Can you see yourself having an independent life in Italy? Can you picture yourself being someone who can have a life there without the language barrier, the extremely hot/supportive significant other? It takes two happy people to make a relationship work. There's a thing about visa's too, so moving to a different country without a specific goal or reason other than a relationship becomes very complicated unless you're marrying that person. If there's something you can do in a short-term condition there, that might be worth trying. Maybe you can teach English for a year if you have qualifications to do so (some programs only require you have a Bachelor's Degree)--or maybe you have other certifications, like being a yoga instructor or a nurse. Maybe there's educational value in your stay; can you find some educational purpose like an exchange program in your professional field? Even if it's just a language learning thing, that should be enough to get a student visa. I say "short-term" because you want to be able and functional while you're there. I think it's great that you're both willing to make it work and that you're seriously considering being together. But if it the relationship doesn't work out, at least with something to do with your professional career while you're in a different country, your personal value doesn't go down. If anything, having professional working experience in an environment where you've had to deal with learning a language can't possibly look too bad as an accomplishment on your résumé when the relationship falls and you want to come back home and look for a job. But if the realtionship works out great, then you can extend that "short-term" work to a long-term thing. 1
Author klein.bella82 Posted March 22, 2012 Author Posted March 22, 2012 Thanks for all the advice. I did bring up the idea of possibly spending 3 months with him, which he was against of at first due to concerns with my finances (I could manage for a couple of months without any trouble). It was not the reaction I expected and hurt my feelings a bit. He then retracted his concerns a week later telling me that he can't stop thinking about spending more time with me and he would love it if I could be with him longer. So I'm highly considering going back to Italy with him after our 5 day vacation in the summer. Yes, i have considered that I have to make something of myself in Italy if I ever move (which at this time only marriage seems the most logical reason). We have researched hospitals that I could work in while there and although work visas and licensure exams take time, it would not be impossible for me to build up my career. I have always considered living abroad, prior to meeting my boyfriend, I just never had the courage to do so until now. I was lonely there at times because of the language barrier, but through time I know I'll be able to pick it up. My biggest concern is the distance. It's frustrating to read others concern's about their 2-5 hour long distance relationships, that doesn't even compare to the 18hr flight from mine. We spend more months apart than together and I feel that it is necessary to have physical proximity to develop our relationship. Part of being in a relationship is growing together, the distance between us makes this impossible. We are growing and learning daily apart from one another that eventually I fear that we will grow apart, because we won't be the same two people that were together months ago.
FitChick Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 I did bring up the idea of possibly spending 3 months with him, which he was against of at first due to concerns with my finances. It was not the reaction I expected and hurt my feelings a bit. My biggest concern is the distance. It's frustrating to read others concern's about their 2-5 hour long distance relationships, that doesn't even compare to the 18hr flight from mine. He is probably worried about having to support you for three months. As for length of time spent together, you need to see what the limits are as some countries, for example, might say you can only spend a total of six months together in one year even if it is one month at a time. If you violate any of Italy's rules, you could be banned from entering. You shouldn't mention going there to look for work either. On a practical note, Italy is teetering on the brink of financial ruin like Greece and Spain. Things are probably going to get worse. You need to at least read English language papers in Italy online and even the London papers like Telegraph or Times to know what is going on. He may not want to move to wherever you are but he may be forced to if things don't improve. Italian man is Boss. The only person higher up the ladder is his Mama.
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