opinions on the no contact rule

[rd1978]

so i would like some opinions on the no contact,,, i fully understand,,, out of sight out of mind,, and im understanding its more for the person that was dumped,, so they can get over the person that dumped them,,, BUt also while doing that it can alos make the DUMPER realize that the person has moved on and possibly make them have second thaughts... now with no contact if the dumper calls im understanding that there is to be a delayed reaction on calling them back etc..

 

does anyone feel this i b/s and you shoudl be outright honest with your ex instead of playing the game and tell them how you feel etc etc.. ive been told do not tell her how you feel,, this will only give her more power.. etc

 

I am stuck in a situation where my ex is being a totall assh*ole and she feels like she is on top of the wrold or soemthing because she walked away from me and started hangiing out with someon else..... she didnt seem to notice that this dude is ugly .. but she doesnt seem to care,,, but she still call's??? but i have ignore her i dont have a need to talk to her untill she feels like herself or is / normal again.... now i never did put my 100% in and i never did tell her how much or always show her how much i cared and we didnt hang out as much as we should have,, and my priorities werent the best,,, she is aslo really insecure,, so maybe i had to do this more than usuall with her... and maybe because she always complained that was a reasoning for nto wanting to hang out with her as much,,, keep in mind i have only called her 1 time in 6 weeks and she was like why are you calling me she was being a big bitch... but the thing is she has prob called me like 20 times,, i only awnsered 1 of them and she was so happy to talk to me but i told her i had to go and i would talk to her sometime........

[estakado]

Again...man I wish my situation was like yours, I wished my ex called....even if she called to cuss me out LOL! But naw, I keep strong with the no contact. Why? Because, although I dont deny that I love her still, you gotta come to realize that you gotta start living your life and start to in the baby steps way to enjoy things again. I'm thinkin that I want to come strong outta this!

 

The main part of the NC is to focus on yourself, and although you want her back, that is not thinking of yourself bro, that is just thinking of her and giving her the power because you spend your time trying to deal with her when you should spend some time dealing with yourself. Think about it....you've done just about everthing to get her attention and now that you got it you have to keep your strong front going and take care of business like your money, job and body...I know it sounds corny but complete yourself and get your confidence back. The more confidence and security that you have from yourself then the more you will not care about what she thinks in this game.

 

The more confidence you have will make you look real successful and that will make her wanna call you more, and that will make her work to make it her idea to get you back instead of you calling and making her change her mind....whether confused or not.

 

Trust me dude, she knows that you love her, and it makes you look like the lovesick puppy whenever you try and call her or get her attention. Let her call you bro, and when she does call, dont pick it up, let her leave a message and then call her 1 day later.

 

You have to ask yourself, even if she did come back, can you fully forgive her? Is she really ready to make changes in her life right now to make it fully work? In order for both of you to be together again ya'll got work it out and finish all the loose ends...ya'll might have to move outta there to really be together. I know you miss her but stuff has to be complete in order to mend a broken heart.

 

Now I know what your thinking how long will this take? Dont even think about the time bro...just keep moving.

[UCFKevin]

The no contact rule can kiss my ass.

 

If you're with someone, you're with them. If you're not, you're not. To hell with breaks. To hell with no contact. Anyone who wants a break with no contact SUCKS. It's so stupid and selfish. It's basically saying, "YOU wait around for me miserably while I go out and have fun. Ta!"

 

Screeeeeeew that.

[faux]

Originally posted by UCFKevin

The no contact rule can kiss my ass.

 

If you're with someone, you're with them. If you're not, you're not. To hell with breaks. To hell with no contact. Anyone who wants a break with no contact SUCKS. It's so stupid and selfish. It's basically saying, "YOU wait around for me miserably while I go out and have fun. Ta!"

 

Screeeeeeew that.

 

To me breaks are always break-ups, which means the relationships is ended. I know better not to try to talk to exes unless quite a bit of time has passed, so not contacting them comes to me as a naturally good idea. I also know better than to buy into the whole "I need time alone" or "I need a break" excuse.

 

If a relationship is ended, however, I think it's best to just leave it at that and no longer talk, or try to talk. After three months I'll maybe call to say "Aloha", and after a year enough time goes by that weMIGHT be able to be friends.

 

Waiting around for someone sucks and is stupid, but feelings can make us do irrational and stupid things. Someone being immature and stupid and going "Let us take a break", and stringing you along when they just want to go out and test the waters again, is major blahness and horrible. I don't understand how people can justify doing that crap as humane.

 

Once I wised up to the whole "Break = Break up." and "We can still be friends = Do not contact me at all, even when I tell you to, or I will freak out and tell everyone you are nuts or stalking me.", I found things went MUCH smoother.

[rd1978]

well here is the thing i miss her,, i love her,, i know i m a decent looking guy ,, i work out reguarly,, my confidence could be better , i have a hard time walking up to some random girl and asking her to hang out or her #,, but what the hell i have nothing to lose.....i was ina rush to find someone right after then i thaught about it and said when it happens it happens,, no need to rush I'm only going to give someone false feelings to get my comfort back,, which i think might be her case,, i dont doubht she doesnt like him but i also think the major thing is ,,, comfort.... for all i know she is just having her fun... I seriously think i could have worked it out back in the begining,, but i said we need this we need to be apart..... things were getting bad i felt like a married 6o year old couple,,,,, If i had done the breaking up i swear this girl would have been knocking on my door every goddamn morning for a month crying with loads of emails... i didnt do anything of the such i talked to her 1 time about it,, told her what i could do on my part to make it work,,, but basically she said iw ant to be single , go out on date's , if someone ask's ,, be able to do whatever i want,, but his seems very diff from what she is doing,, just started a brand new job and is out 3 times a week until12-1 drinking with this dirtbag, and her friends who are trash,,,,,

 

the girl is ona huge huge power trip,,,,, or maybe she is just acting like it to feel strong,, this girl called all my girlfriends ugly ,, but really they are HOT,, i almost feel like saying i know your insecure secure and all, so figured out why your hanging out with this dude,, he's ugly so no girl are going to hit on him, so that makes you feel better about yourself,,,wouldnt do it but .....

 

as of contact ,, when she told me 1 nigth after hangign out he whole weekend and stuff seeing how things would go,, she was grumpy and bitchy towards me,, i know thats a wall she has up i know her better than she knows herself,, she is only protecting her feelings,,, { she has some issues} so when she calls she say's i think we need to talk so she said i just dont feel it right now,i get grumpy,, and a headache when i see you... so i was like ok thats fine,,, then do me a big huge favor,,, DONT CALL ME ANYMORE ,, so she says but i miss you we we dont talk, so said if you dont want to be with me we cant talk,, maybe a couple of months down the road we will see what happens then i said ill miss you goodbye...

 

so the phone ring an hour later for like 15 minutes atraight from her house and cell phone.....then the next morning , and night , for 3 more days in the morning and night... didnt awnser any of them,, i told her dont bother calling if this is what you want i said what i need to ...so the calling stopped,, Then 2 weeks later she started writing me on instant messenger,, i didint reply so it turned into more and more, so finally i di reply with a hi but after she put up an away message so i didnt have to talk to her,, so she ended up caling that night i didnt awnser then she called the next day i awnsered,,,, pretended like i didnt see who it was before i awnsered,, SHE WAS SO GODDAMN HAPPY I AWNSERED SHE WAS ESTATIC so i told her i didnt realize it was her and she said are you going to hang up i said no that would be rude,,,,, so she wanted to know why i wrote her back on instant messanger and i was like i dunno whats the big deal,, then i told her i had to go,, then we talkted about me getting a new car real quick,, and i told her i have to go and that i guess i might talk to her someother time and said goodbye,, 3 days go by and she is trying to write me on im again but i didnt respond,, she said she had some kind of question for me ,, and that was 5 days ago,,, probally an excuse to talk ,,, ? SO THE THING IS BY IGNORING HER I ALMOST THINK I AM PUTTING FUEL IN THE FIRE BECAUSE SHE THINKS IM BEING STUBBORN,, BUT I WILL NOT CALL HER ,, PROBALLY JUST RESPOND NEXT TIME SHE TRIES TO CONTACT ME,,,, i want this girl to realize that im not waiting around ,, i told her when we first broke up iw anted to work it out, so i think she felt she can do what she wants for a while,, I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE HER SEE ME OUT W/ ANOTHER GIRL ,,that would rack her brain,,,,, and in no time i know my phone would ring off the hook,,,i have alot of girlfriends but she knows them ,,,, She needs a reality check,, the biggest problem is she knows nothing else we were first real loves ,, so thats almost why im letting her be ,, if i did work out and we could get by the "things "we did when we were single then the relationship would be stronger because the curiosity would be gone,, ANY SUGGESTIONS?????????? sorry so long

[faux]

I think it would be best for you to stop talking to this girl at all. It sounds as though when you were trying to discontinue contact, you were using it in a manner to get her back, make her angry, or get attention. "No contact" is supposed to be just that: No contact. It allows you to heal faster and get your life together.

 

The more confrontations you have with this ex the worse things are going to get. I can already see from what you are writing that you feel the need to justify yourself, by saying that you are a decent looking guy, that you work out regularly, and I can tell that you are very, very unhappy that you have absolutely no control now in this situation. If you really think those good things about yourself that's great! But don't try to think you have to justify yourself because of HER, or that you have to prove something to yourself.

 

I think if you stop focusing on her, and you stop focusing on trying to find someone else new and soon, things will settle in well enough. I went through a nasty kind of situation that was similar to yours before, and when I finally just worked on furthering my education, getting work, and improving my own life things got so much better. Unfortunately, I insisted on dragging things out for eight months before I finally snapped out of it.

 

It sounded a bit unsettling that you could list so vividly the events of her phoning you. If a month goes by and that sort of story just turns into "The phone rang, I picked up and it was her. I said I had to go meet up with some friends and hung up." then you're getting somewhere. If you have voicemail or an answering machine I'd begin screening your calls. If you can't handle her actually being on the phone, don't take a chance answering when it might be her looking to play games.

 

Additionally, do not try to gain any sense of power or control. She cannot have any control over your life unless you let her. If you just ignore her and actually keep up with discontinuing all forms of contact, and blocking all forms of her being able to contact you, things will go a lot better. This isn't a power struggle here. This is about you healing and being able to get a good night's sleep, hang out with friends and relax!

[rd1978]

ok ok ill admit,, sometime's i def don't mind her calling every so often {not that im going to awnser} ..you have read some of my post's so i think you have an idea of the situation,, I do not contact her,, i do not write her emails or anything like that,,, She is the one calling me ,, trying to write me on instant messenger,, i think she is ver very confused and is driving herself crazy,, she felt she was stuck in a rut for a while,, this girl tends to drive herself a little nuts sometime,,, she just got a new job,, been shopping buying different types of clothes ,, tanning,, etc,,, im thinking she wants to feel like someon else by changing everything she was,,, relationships tend to get comfortable after a while and that wondeful feeling isnt always there,, so there is this other dude who was there while we were arguing over stupid crap ,, and he was buttering her up and she fell for it.... you know the grass is greener on the other side ,, someone else shows interest so it makes her feel better about herself....

 

But here is the thing,,,i kinda feel like if im ignoring her calls and such,, that its going to push her away more and more,, because she isnt going to look stupid and keep calling,, ITs weird in this situation with this girl ,, if i kept tryig to talk to her or show her how much i cared,, instead of leaving her alon,, it def would not push her away,, at all ,, it would just blow up her head and she would be like oh i have 2 guys that want me,,, she never really knew how much i cared about her , i understand where you were coming from with the whole no contact thing,, and yes maybe as i was getting over her i wouldnt mind if she thaught a little about reality,, but the thing is she ahs been going out with this guy to the bars for the past 3-4 weeks ,, they go out to {bars } all the time... i know it will eventually get old....ANd the funny thing is she was always like those places suck ,, ,, i think it was because i used to go there,,, so now she is at thos SAME place all the time,, i dont know if she wants to run into me ?or she just for some reason likes thos places...

 

i know she is keeping herself busy as hell to keep from calling me,, she has admitted that to me before,,,i dont know how much she really likes this kid,,, i know she isnt over me yet ,, she may think she is but if something happened with this kid i know the phone would ring....

 

i wish she had some street smarts and wasnt so nieve,, but she is goign to have to learn for herself,,, the 1 thign though as every day goes by she move more and more out of my mind,,i feel i am def doing the same thing in her mind but even faster because she has another guy to keep her occupied,,,,,.. but on the otehr end of the spectrum i cannot be friends with her, if she wants to call every once in a while i can talk to her aboutt hings in general,, just not us,, or anything to do with who we are seeing,,, ,, i almost think its more of a comfort thing im missing ,, and i know im doing the right thing by not jumping into anything with anyone,, and i know she is doing the wrong thing because all she is doing is covering up her problems