Feeling uncomfortable around my boyfriends "friend" w/ benefits.

[understanding4you]

My BF has alot of friends, of whom are women. What makes me feel uneasy is that one of the women that he claims is one of his best friends, he had slept with several times prior to us being together. I am just not comfortable with that & it has caused conflict in our relationship because she's a part of his "crew" of friends. Therefore, if I ever do go out with his friends, she will usually be around, be mentioned amongst his friends, or pop up unexpectedly.

 

His other women friends are also close friends with her & to be quite honest, I have never felt warm vibes from any of them (he has 1 crew & they're all friends with one another). From the other girls, I'll get a "hello" & that's as far as it goes. The girl that he slept with has actually been rude to me once before, right in front of my BF. When she arrived at the get-to-gether we were attending, she walked right up to him (while I was leaning on him) greeted him with a kiss on the cheek, and disregarded me as If I was invisible. I was looking at her, waiting for her to atleast give me eye contact so I could say hello (and this was for HIS sake; otherwise I'm not interested) but she snubbed me. This made me even more upset because of the simple fact that a.) I don't want to associate/be around a girl he's been intimate with, yet I'm trying. b.) he talks about how cool of a person she is & she will always be his friend and c.) how cool is this woman if she has disregarded me on several occasions?

 

After that small incident, she was even invited to a BBQ that my boyfriend was throwing at his house with family and friends. I was unaware that she was even invited to his house & when she showed, once again, she acted as if I wasn't even there. I felt very disrespected on many levels. Not just by her, but by him also. This caused us to fight later because of his nonchalant attitude about me being upset. Later that night, I recieved a message from her on FB stating that she doesn't know why she didn't acknowledge me that day, but she's "over" whatever problem we may have & that we should just try to get along since she will always be in his life--signed with a "thank you very much." To me, it came off condescending.

 

We are adults in our mid-twenties. I've been with my BF for 2.5 years & have known him for 8yrs prior to us going out. I feel like this shouldn't even be an issue to deal with in any relationship. I don't know anyone who's BF has a dear friend that he's slept with & still hangs out with, so it's hard to get advice. Friends and some family that I've confided in about this whole conflict in my relationship think I'm crazy for even putting up with this type of "abuse". I love my BF and he is a loving man that I very much would love to spend my life with, but this is an ongoing problem for me & does not go away.

 

Recently, he's expressed to me how he hates that I feel the way I do, and how he so bad wants me to be a part of the crew, but I just cannot see this happening, given the circumstances. Additionally, his friends are about going to clubs, partying, drinking every weekend. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this. I'm just past that place in my life & I'm more focused on becoming settled with a career, furthering my education, and hopefully having a family of my own one day. When I'm with my BF, he seems to be as laid back as I am with not much of a desire to go out partying, etc. Although his friends were always out partying, he would only go occasionaly, but recently, he told me this is because he knows its a problem for me because of who might show up, therfore, he's chosen to not hang out as much to avoid me being upset. A part of me felt guilty when he said that, but then another part of me felt like I shouldn't feel bad, because I have a legitimate reason for my feelings. I would like for him to hang out with his guy friends. I just dont like that his "past" is part of the equation.

 

What do you all think about this nutty situation!? I just don't know who to turn to anymore.

[whichwayisup]

She's made it perfectly clear that she isn't going anywhere and you need to accept this. He's defended her and also let you know that she is in his life whether you like it or not. He's not defended you, or included you in the way you should be included (making more effort when she's around, even speak to her about 'this is MY girlfriend and you need to stop being a bitch to her and be nice!') but he hasn't really done that.

 

Your relationship is second fiddle to her and will be unless HE stands up to her and changes things, puts your feelings first and also sets boundries with her. She has to respect this and not be so touchy feely with him anymore.

 

Not sure if I were in your shoes I'd be able to put up with this, let alone compete with her and their friends. I can tell it really hurts you and he doesn't seem to care that much. Maybe time to take a break, take time to figure out what you want.

[Diamonds&Rust]

I'm firmly in the it's-okay-for-men-to-have-female-friends camp.

 

However, if I were you, I'd leave. She's trouble. I wouldn't even give him the opportunity to re-evaluate his priorities; he should know better.

[mitchell]

He's in his 20's and still has a "crew"? Sounds like he needs to grow up and give your relationship more time and commitment. This whole scenario is juvenile and smacks of immaturity.

 

If he has any feelings for you and hopes of a future for your relationship, he should not be hanging out with his former FWB who disrespects you.

[TaraMaiden]

Sweetheart you are fighting a losing battle.

 

she was there long before you were, and it's clear he is not prepared to make either allowances, or to compromise in order to keep you happy.

she takes priority... now - either he really values the quality of friendship - or - let's be honest here - he really doesn't consider you to be as important to him, as she is.....

 

If i were you, i would make a discreet exit.

de-friend her on your profile, block him off contacting you in any way, and be sure to totally drop off his radar.

do not advise him, forewarn him or say goodbye.

Just be totally un-contactable.

that will doubtless miff him... but you will be able to tell, form the efforts he makes to get you back - how much he values being with you.....

[FitChick]

I'd ask him:

 

1. Why did you two break up? Are you dating me just to make her jealous?

 

2. Why do you think So-and-so can't seem to get a boyfriend? What's wrong with her?"

[watsluvgot2dowitit]

There's no point in asking questions really. He is letting you know what the deal is and it isn't going to change unless he decides to make it change. I guess if you love him enough you can hang in there and settle down with him and continue to go through what you're going through. We as women need to learn when to let go. I swear there is a flaw in our design that makes us feel like we can change people and well we can't. We end up stressing and fighting and hoping for nothing. You got to let it go. You may love him now, but time and the strain of this situation will have you hating him later. Best believe it.

[setsenia]

Seems pretty straightforward. Your uncomfortable about the situation. Anyone would be. I honestly don't think it's appropriate for him to even be hanging out with this former FWB while he's dating someone else. If he has a female friend in which has always been a harmless platonic friend, that's something else. He doesn't have to stop speaking to her altogether, but he can remain on friendly terms. Facebook is probably fine if he just says hi once in awhile or in passing. But hanging out with her on a frequent basis, IMO, is inappropriate if he is in a serious relationship with someone else.

[understanding4you]

To All,

 

I understand your opinions. In the same line of him saying, he 'hardly' ever talks to her, he'll say that he just doesn't know when she will/will not be there, and he doesn't have the nerve to tell her straightforward, I cannot be your friend anymore. When he told me this, I said, I'm not even expecting you to do that. He in reply said, well I don't know what I can or what u want me to do. He thinks I just want him to dead all his friends to make it easier. Its almost inevitable that things will not change bc his overall group of friends will always be them.

 

I just wonder..doesn't there come a point in life where there isn't always a "crew"|"clique"|"group" anymore??! I've been around this group of friends and its always been in a party environment where anything and everything seems humorous and people are just drinking having their own conversations among one another. I've felt very outcasted & frankly it brings me back to highschool moments--just the ambiance of the whole picture.

 

We're in our mid-twenties. Me on the other hand, I hang out mostly with people older than me (early 30's) there's just more maturity in these settings for me; actual topics to talk about (still with a good time of course) & regard for everyone there. There is not twenty something odd people having a prty then lil cliques forming within one another with a mindset of "if I don't know you, I just don't talk to you." I've brought my BF around my friends and even if there were people (friends of my friends) that we didn't know, they would still be interested in finding out more about us, etc., you know, normal socializing!

[Frank13]

Guys aren't friends with girls they aren't attracted to.

[setsenia]

Honestly, the whole 'clique' thing reminds me of high school. He doesn't have to tell her he doesn't want friends, but he could say that he thinks it's best the give each other some space now that he is in a serious relationship and that he doesn't want to make either of you uncomfortable.