budley12 Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 I have been NC with my ex for 4weeks now. I started to become close with his family and I want to send them a letter saying thank you and how they impacted me. I just hope my ex doesnt think its a way of me getting him back (or do i... ). I think in the letter I would put in "i would appreciate it if you didnt show _______ this letter". As for NC with ex. I have read that NC is best for moving on and getting over your ex, however what if you necessarily dont want to. What if you still have hope of getting back? Would it be better to try and stay close in case their new relationship doesnt work out? I have seen mixed views online and im not sure what to do. My ex doesnt want me out of his life yet it seemed he didnt care that I left... I still love him but I feel I closed the door to harshly by saying "please dont contact me for any reason"... this was a month ago.
chris09s Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 To be honest, I'm not sure if you should send the letter. In my opinion, the only real reason to send that letter is in a round about attempt to get him back when he finds out you sent it (even if you don't admit it). I'm leaning towards - don't send the letter. As far as NC, it is a tough call. As someone who wants their ex back as well, I understand that NC seems illogical, but the more you chase, the worse off you (and your relationship) will be. "Would it be better to try and stay close in case their new relationship doesnt work out?" Do you want to be a backup? If so, by all means, stand in line. That is the one thing that really keeps me from contacting my ex - knowing that she wants to be with her ex. I'm no one's second choice. Not sure if that helps. Best of luck.
ctes300 Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 I am still friendly with my EX's family but we spent 8 years together. I hold no bitterness to the family which I've told her mom and sister. They texted me over the thanksgiving and Christmas holidays and stayed connected on FB even though my EX blocked me. I have had NC with my EX since the end of November, so a little over 3 months. The purpose of NC is to get over the loss and move on. My advice: Quit holding out hope to be someone's second choice. As for the letter, I wouldn't write anything you wouldn't want your EX to hear, nor would i bother with asking them not to share it. They will do what they feel is appropriate regardless of what you say. Keep it simple, just say what you need to say - for you to move on.
veggirl Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 I wouldn't send that letter. It honestly will just come across as a passive-aggressive way to contact your ex.
CaliBabe Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 It doesn't matter if you are close to the ex's family. You guys are no longer together. That is the fact. If you do decide to send it I am telling you from an outside perspective that you will come off as needy and that you are not moving on but finding ways to hold on. HIS <---- family is no longer your concern. Cut all communication or your healing process will never begin. 3
Author budley12 Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 i understand what you are all saying about not sending it, but I just dont want his family to think I just "disappeared" and never cared. They put me up in their house so many times on vacation, their shore house, took me out to dinner all the time, list goes on... I just dont want to seem unappreciative for everything the've showed me. We were each others first loves and I was his first relationship (together for 3 years). Thats why im thinking that maybe he just wants to see what else is out there and him new relationship may not work and may want to come back to me.
CaliBabe Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 I completely understand what you are saying and also how you are feeling... But they will understand... You guys broke up, they are adult enough to know why your not around anymore. I'm sure you were very nice to them when you and your ex were together, so I am sure they know you care for them and appreciate them. But, please break free for your own sake. You do not owe anyone anything... No explanations, no thank yous, no nothing. BUT, you do owe yourself the chance to move on and find happiness. Contacting HIS family will not put you in a better light... It will be quite the opposite. 2
rootless Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 I completely understand what you are saying and also how you are feeling... But they will understand... You guys broke up, they are adult enough to know why your not around anymore. I'm sure you were very nice to them when you and your ex were together, so I am sure they know you care for them and appreciate them. But, please break free for your own sake. You do not owe anyone anything... No explanations, no thank yous, no nothing. BUT, you do owe yourself the chance to move on and find happiness. Contacting HIS family will not put you in a better light... It will be quite the opposite. I agree completely. No one with any sort of empathy and maturity will fault you for simply wanting to look after yourself. You're in no way obligated to run around, playing good-will ambassador. The embassy is closed. You're released from those "responsibilities". People get that. When you breakup, the borders move, and new boundaries get drawn. If you reach out to the family now, it could be very well be perceived that you don't respect those. You're not doing anything cruel, or inconsiderate. And no one who matters will think differently. 1
Author budley12 Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 i guess you guys are right. I just really miss his family as well. Maybe I will send a christmas card or something next year. By that time it will have been more than a year after the break up and I will have hopefully moved on.
jus d'orange Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 i guess you guys are right. I just really miss his family as well. Maybe I will send a christmas card or something next year. By that time it will have been more than a year after the break up and I will have hopefully moved on. I think this is the best option. I feel similarly about my ex's family -- although I think they always had their doubts about me and my ex being together, they were always very welcoming and warm. I appreciate that very much. There is no hurry here. It sounds like these people are good people; thus, if they don't hear from you for a long time, I'm sure they know it's because a break-up requires this sort of distancing. When a very safely long time has passed, I don't see anything wrong with sending a christmas card. 1
Author budley12 Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 after thinking about i think another big reason I want to send a letter is to try and be on good terms still with his family. My ex is very family oriented and if his parents ask about me or say "he was such a good kid, whatever happened" and such my ex may have second thoughts about the break up
rootless Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 (edited) after thinking about i think another big reason I want to send a letter is to try and be on good terms still with his family. My ex is very family oriented and if his parents ask about me or say "he was such a good kid, whatever happened" and such my ex may have second thoughts about the break up They don't need a letter to know you were, and still are, a good kid. And their son will tell them what happened. I really think people have been offering you some sound advice. It's a BAD idea. It's only going to look like you're attempting to curry favor with the parents in order to influence their son. As i said, they know you're a good person. But they're going to support whatever their son's decision is. They're HIS parents. They're going to be on HIS team. And if he chooses not to be with you, they're not going to rally to your defense. They're going to back their son, as they should. I just worry this will blow up in your face if you send this letter now. You're going to be putting yourself, your ex, and his parents in a really awkward and uncomfortable position. And people don't like feeling uncomfortable. Take a breath and see how things play out with your ex, without doing ANYTHING. I know it's your impulse to do something to fix this, but right now, that impulse is counter-productive. I'm afraid your attempt to thank the parents carries a real risk of being interpreted as manipulative and creepy. Just being straight with you. Edited March 16, 2012 by rootless 1
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