humanfly Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 so i've been dating this girl for 13 months now. we were engaged for a time, but we decided to pull back a bit and put the engagement on hold. im 22 and she's 19. for about 6 months we were living together, and everything was great. we fought of course, but we were happy and very much in love. whenever we were apart we would always be texting. she used to tell me everything and we were the best of friends. soulmates, in the truest sense. we came into some financial trouble after she got fired from her job, and the strain turned out to be too much for her, so she moved back in with her parents. its been a couple months now, and she's been getting more and more distant. she almost never messages or calls me anymore, and i'm usually the one initiating contact. whereas before we never went more than a couple hours without talking, now we could easily go several days without any contact if i don't initiate it. i have no solid proof, but i just have this overwhelming gut feeling that she's lying to me about being too busy to see me more than once or twice a week, and she has begun to hide her phone from my view when we are together. it could be nothing to do with us, but i have a strong feeling that she's being unfaithful, which would explain her change in behavior. in comparison to how we were just a couple months ago, this change in behavior is alarming. one more thing, something im not too proud of. lately ive just been really depressed because i feel as though she doesnt respect me anymore and is lying to me constantly. but i could never confront her about it, because i have no solid proof, just a strong gut feeling, and its been driving me kinda crazy, so i decided to take a drastic step and try to catch her in a lie. i messaged her one night while i was out driving around, and she said she was at home with her little brother. i drove by her house and didn't see her car parked out front. even then, i didnt want to believe she lied to me. i tried to convince myself, maybe her mom or dad took her car out or something, just anything that could explain this, but i just had a bad feeling that i knew the truth, so i stuck around and waited, and i saw her pull in at a much later time than she told me she was ever allowed to stay out. i know, creepy, but i just had to know if my gut feeling had any merit. i know this isn't solid proof of cheating, but why else would she lie? i really am not usually this sort of person, but you know how love is, it makes you do crazy foolish things sometimes. please give me your opinions, i really need help here. thanks.
Professor X Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 I think you pushed the RS to far to quickly: After merely 4 months of dating you moved in together? Not to long after engaged???? And you're only 22 and she's only 19. My god. All you did here was wrong from day one, she's isn't your soulmate for sure, what you are experiencing is the honeymoon phase, and as it seems, she's gotten out of that phase before you. Every new RS starts like this, lots of passion,attraction, lust, love, whatnot - only because you're with someone new, someone you don't know anything about, it's exciting. If she's cheating? Who knows, but I can tell you what is certain: she's getting fed up by the RS thus distancing herself. Was it you who brought the idea of moving in together so fast? And the engagement as well? P.S. I'll rephrase something for you: Distancing =/= cheating. I think she's losing the pink colored glasses that you seem to still wear. 1
Author humanfly Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 First, let me just clarify something. We didn't just meet out of the blue. I've known this girl for 5 years. we used to casually date on and off a few years back, and than we reconnected 13 months ago. We were older and quite different than we used to be by that time, so the renewed attraction was very strong and instantaneous. I realize that we are both young, but we're very mature, especially her. This girl isn't your average 19 year old, believe me. Everybody that meets her and learns her age can't believe it. And we didn't exactly rush in. We had many serious talks at the start of the relationship about what we wanted and what our plans were. It was my idea to move in together, but can you believe it, she's the one that proposed to me. How often does that happen, right? She's always been very straightforward and honest, so her recent behavior really is surprising. I don't see how you can be so deeply in love one minute and turn around and just betray that person the next. It just doesn't make sense. She's not that kind of person. She's really not. Yet i still have this overpowering gut feeling that she's being dishonest with me on a daily basis, and it's killing me. I can barely function, i'm so depressed. I love this girl with everything i am, and i don't want to believe that she would betray me. You make it sound so cut and dry and simple, but it can't be. Not after everything we've shared, everything we've been through together. How can anything be that simple now? Could it be that my instincts are wrong? Should i just sit on it, or do i confront her? Sorry if I'm rambling, i just dont know what to do, i'm so confused and in pain.
Professor X Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 I realize that we are both young, but we're very mature, especially her. This girl isn't your average 19 year old, believe me. Everybody that meets her and learns her age can't believe it. If I had a penny for each time I heard it. Almost everyone tell me that they are mature for thier age, well, news flash, no1 was, and you're not either(with all due respect). You two rushed things, recklessly IMO, that does not indicate maturity, it's exactly the opposite. We had many serious talks at the start of the relationship about what we wanted and what our plans were. A lot do that. It was my idea to move in together, but can you believe it, she's the one that proposed to me. How often does that happen, right? She's always been very straightforward and honest, so her recent behavior really is surprising. I wouldn't call it straightforward if she proposed than backpeddled. I'd call it impulsive and reckless. I don't see how you can be so deeply in love one minute and turn around and just betray that person the next. It just doesn't make sense. Honeymoon phase... you can google it up, though the transsision isn't so extreme as you describe She's not that kind of person. She's really not. Well, she is. Yet i still have this overpowering gut feeling that she's being dishonest with me on a daily basis, and it's killing me. I can barely function, i'm so depressed. I love this girl with everything i am, and i don't want to believe that she would betray me. You make it sound so cut and dry and simple, but it can't be. Not after everything we've shared, everything we've been through together. How can anything be that simple now? Could it be that my instincts are wrong? Should i just sit on it, or do i confront her? Sorry if I'm rambling, i just dont know what to do, i'm so confused and in pain. Not saying that she isn't cheating for certain, just saying, it sounds like you rushed things and she's has now 2nd thoughts. I might be wrong and that she is cheating, but, that doesn't change the 2nd thoughts part. What should you do? First of all, don't stalk her! She's your GF for gods sake, if you wanna check on her, be a man and show yourself. Second of all, go talk to her, calmly though, don't come out shooting and yelling, crying and frustrated. Explain to her the change of behavor you noticed in her and follow her reaction.
NervisPervis Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 Let's hear if from EVERYBODY!!! Let's make this thread go to 20 pages with nothing but: YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO BE THINKING OF MARRIAGE!!!! You and she are NO DIFFERENT than anybody else that got too serious too early. 1
Amorfati Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) When I read your message, I found lots of common things with you that I've lived recently. Obviously, you still love her (trying to justify her behavior, defending her etc..) However, the way of her behaving is not what you deserve. You said that you are the one who initiates the contact. I dont think it should be like this, if she has the same feelings like you. I think its a sign of apathy. You also became suspicious about her trust and trying to catch her lie. As i see, in most of these cases, your feelings are true, even though you couldn't find the solid proof. Once when you start feel in this way, it's not going away easily. And I believe even you find out some solid proofs, because of your love, you may want to believe that they are not true. Anwayi being cheated on is just one explanation. Maybe its not like this, but its clear that she doesnt feel like she used to before. I can suggest you to do 2 things. Give your last try to save your relationship. Honestly, I think its difficult, so if that goes not well, dont ACCUSE YOURSELF for anything. or set her free. Let her take some time. (I think this is the difficult option to choose, because of your love) I am saying this, because as i understand from your message i can imagine more or less how you feel right now. and forgot to add: Even you asked her , whether she cheated you or not, She may not confess it, because of either her fear of you or not to break your pride.. Edited March 18, 2012 by Amorfati
Mantis Toboggan Posted March 19, 2012 Posted March 19, 2012 This girl isn't your average 19 year old, believe me. Everybody that meets her and learns her age can't believe it. She's 19. You're 22. At that age, everyone thinks they're more mature than they are. Sorry, but it's true. I don't see how you can be so deeply in love one minute and turn around and just betray that person the next. It just doesn't make sense. She's not that kind of person. She's really not. I hate to keep focusing on age, but I'll say this....as you get older, you'll see that people fall out of love just as quickly as they fall into it. It's emotions, not a logical thing. Can't predict emotions. Should i just sit on it, or do i confront her? Sorry if I'm rambling, i just dont know what to do, i'm so confused and in pain. I wouldn't recommend confronting someone in a situation like this because her feeling are her feelings. A good conversation isn't going to change how she feels. Either the flame is there or it isn't.
jnj express Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 Hey fly-----so she gave you some time---now obviously she wants to date others, and sow her wild oats---Its possible she just doesn't know how to break it off/she wants you around maybe later on after her fling----who knows What you need to do---is forget this serious relationship crap---go out and date, and enjoy life---why do you wanna be tied to one girl when you are really in the prime of life, and can experience all kinds of enjoyment with all kinds of people Get serious when you are 28, 29 years old---till then enjoy life.
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