HappyGirl73 Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Hello!! I have been reading here a lot and have to say you all have great advice, so I decided to post:) I have been with my bf for 8 months. We just got a place together and things couldnt be better. WELL maybe they could- we have this deal, and this will be stupid to most of you I am sure. We don't go out with friends unless we are together. It was more HIS deal than mine. I used to do girls night out every week before I met him, he wanted me to put an end to that. So I did to "make him happy". But I miss it. So last night I brought up that maybe we should go out once a month without eachother, with the girls, guys ect...he said he does not want to go out with the guys, we have a deal. He wants to stick to it. I said I dont, he got mad, said "Fine, mise well get your facebook back to, so I can worry about all the guys on there to". So he gave in and I got my way for girls night. But then he acted like he didnt give a F**k about anything I did. So I gave in and went back to our deal. I dont understand why he acted like that. Any thoughts? And no we are no 18:) We're in our 30's. Thanks!
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Well, ha it appears that you can see this is something quite immature on his end. I mean damn, I do have a hard time relating or understanding how a grown woman can let a man take something from her in her life because she wants to make him happy, It's just beyond me because If I were in your shoes I'd be like "peace out bitch!", you can take those rules and...you get the point. So what do you want to do? This guy is clearly the jealous type who doesn't want you to have any foreseeable male contact, he doesn't appear to trust you and has severe emotional and mental anxiety issues just thinking you're going to cheat on him? I mean how secure is a relationship If the person you are with doesn't even trust you? what are you going to do? put them in a locked cage? I anticipate this guy will become more controlling and dictate more of these nonsensical rules that have more to do with his own mental issues than your relationship...unless you cheated on this guy and now he's super paranoid which I'm not betting on. He already made you delete your FB? If someone is unhappy in a relationship and someone wants to cheat, they're going to cheat, there's no stopping them, it's like someone trying to break into your car If they really want to...eventually they're going to get in IF they want to, but you don't bullet proof your car and park it in an underground nuke-resistant bunker! But I foresee this guy slipping his claws and his grip tighter and tighter, If you let him. You deserve a night out with the girls, Is it a little uncomfortable as a guy? yes, it can be (especially If you have young hoochie friends) but If you trust your woman you don't really worry about it...I haven't, that level of trust should bring you closer together, not tear you apart. And If you're ever in a bad situation hopefully either person does the right thing and walks away, but that's the chance you have to take, you can't bar someone from living their life so that you feel a little more secure, which I'm sure the guy doesn't even feel secure anyway! That's how these guys work. I mean he's going to give you attitude and a guilt trip either way, it seems he already has that control over you and you're letting him. This guy needs to deal with his own issues and see a therapist, not try to lock down a woman to enable this behavior, and that's what you're doing by giving in...just enabling it and giving it an opportunity to grow. There's a healthy bit of jealousy in a relationship but then there's jealous man want's woman connected to hip, I always find it suspicious when these guys always seem to be the guys to want to settle down fast too...anyone else notice that? they're always the guy that goes in guns blazing and he's already tightening his grip and the woman just think its sweet and he cares/loves her....weird way to "love" someone If you ask me. Take a stand, don't let him dictate your life or you'll be one of those women in those cults on tv in Texas about how your husband tells you what you can't and can't do, and you actually believe the crap. Bunny says tell him no!
Author HappyGirl73 Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 Thanks so much! No- I have not cheated on him- never given him any reason not to trust me. He has gone out with me on a "girls" night before, so he knows what goes down. We do get wild, but theres no cheating. He has made the comment before that he thinks I "like" to be told what to do. So maybe by me letting him get away with it for so long, I am enabling him. And making him think thats what I like. But now when I talk to him about changing things, he gets mad. So he blames me, yet doesnt want to change.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 What if this relationship doesn't work out in the end for some reason? You can't go back and relive all those experiences you missed out sharing and enjoying life with your friends, they may have entered a new relationship or moved on in life, out of the state, had kids, etc.. Why should you have to sacrifice a piece of your life you enjoy? You need to take this flawed "deal" that's highly tipped in his favor to the supreme court and have it abolished immediately! Tell him you made this deal under duress, because you felt forced to under his pressure, it was a deal that had anything in it for you so he needs to think about the terms in which this and this "deal" was even necessary in the first place, because it's completely unjustified and completely biased to keeping you in check. Put your relationship in order If it's going to last in the long run, If he's communicative and he compromises this can be a good step in the right direction because that's what relationships are about on that level. If not, maybe you're going to start seeing other sides to him you didn't see before. I wouldn't compromise your time and life, because that can't be taken back, I'm sure many women in your position after living in one of these relationships would tell you so...If not tell you to run out the door altogether, but maybe he's reasonable and understanding, let him get mad If not, tell him it's your life, not just his.
kassy Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 wow talk to him again about this but if he insists on this run for the hills. Ninja said it all. But in case you need to hear it again. He is insecure and has problems. If you can't go out without him over time he will isolate you and becomes your world and then control you. That you raise this and he turns it back on you is not a good thing. So what you can't have hobbies or friends. and no facebook... and he thinks you like to be told what to do. I like a dominant man, but there is a difference between healthy dominance and someone who will rob you of your self esteem and make you think you need them to tell you what to do to function. And then after a while you discover you do need them to. Also watch out if he takes control over things like finances and bills and everything. It is common in these type of relationships for them to slowly rob you of any independence. I have a friend who is in a similar sounding relationship... but for 12 years... honestly if out in a restaurant she struggles to decide if she needs the toilet without him suggesting it... I wish I was making that up. She will never leave him because he has made her believe she is worthless. Do your friends and family like this relationship and how you interact with them now? If you can talk about it and resolve it that's great and maybe he is just immature and you need to redefine boundaries together. But just be aware this is a slippery slope... if your self esteem starts getting hurt you need to leave before it's too late.
veggirl Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 You deleted your FB for him, gave up your nights out and have moved in with him making yourself even more dependent on him. Major thumbs DOWN on those decisions.
curlygirl40 Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 (edited) What a bully. It reeks of insecurity. You are allowing this to happen, enabling it. And you can stop it also by standing up for yourself. Or dumping his sorry behind. Ninja is right on the money (as always). I was in a 20 year marriage that was similar to this. He wouldn't ever tell me 'no you can't do that' but he would manipulate me and 'make me pay' by his words and actions when I did something he didn't like (like go out with the girls). In talking with a girlfriend last week, I was mentioning how I'm a little skittish in the relationship department these days because I'm so afraid I'm going to lose myself in another relationship the way I lost myself in my marriage. She very sternly reminded me that he did not do that to me, I did it to myself. I allowed it to happen. Which also means I can allow it not to happen. Period. You teach people how to treat you. You've given up Facebook and your friends, what is next? Believe me if he is that jealous and that insecure, he will be a bottomless pit when it comes to controling your actions to ensure he feels 'safe' or whatever his issue is. And doesn't it frost you that you're not doing anything that he should be jealous about but you're having to pay the price for it anyway? Grrrrr Stand up for yourself. You deserve better. Edited March 15, 2012 by curlygirl40
Ross MwcFan Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Tell him to either change his ways, or the get the **** out of your life.
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