Does it really exist anymore?

[DontWorryBHappy]

My grandma met her husband when she was 14. They have been married for over 60 years, and she has everything good to say about him. I always thought that's what I wanted, and I even thought it was possible, but lately I question whether it IS possible.

 

It's easy to get sucked into romantic Notebook-esque movies, and my God of course I'd take that kind of relationship if it were out there for real. But maybe it's not meant for me. A couple weeks ago I broke up with a guy I just wasn't feeling it with. I'm not heartbroken or "getting over it" or anything because I knew that relationship wasn't doing it for me. It's the easiest transition from relationship to singledom that I've ever had. But also, that relationship only lasted a month and a half.

 

Anyway, the guy was so into me and had an attitude that I thought I always wanted. He KNEW he wanted marriage, a family, and made it clear he wanted it with me. It was like I couldn't do anything wrong. Even when **** started hitting the fan with random issues that started popping up, he was gonna stick with me even if he got run over for it. But I just wasn't feeling it. He didn't have what I needed for a lasting spark, and I saw that early on, so I ended it early on. But who's to say I'll ever find another person who wants to stick with me to THAT extent, but who is also compatible with me?

 

And even if I do, what happens when things change and they want a divorce when I'm 35? Go to the next guy, get married again? Maybe it's just not worth the risk... I don't know. Part of me even wonders if I'm STUPID for dumping the no-spark guy because he probably would've stayed with me forever, whereas some guy that I'm totally happy with might be the one to end up leaving.

 

Maybe I'll just have friends and call it a day.

[betterdeal]

Take it easy. That's when the best things happen

[DontWorryBHappy]

LOL how do you know that? Interesting reply though.

[manup]

My grandma met her husband when she was 14. They have been married for over 60 years, and she has everything good to say about him. I always thought that's what I wanted, and I even thought it was possible, but lately I question whether it IS possible.

 

It's easy to get sucked into romantic Notebook-esque movies, and my God of course I'd take that kind of relationship if it were out there for real. But maybe it's not meant for me. A couple weeks ago I broke up with a guy I just wasn't feeling it with. I'm not heartbroken or "getting over it" or anything because I knew that relationship wasn't doing it for me. It's the easiest transition from relationship to singledom that I've ever had. But also, that relationship only lasted a month and a half.

 

Anyway, the guy was so into me and had an attitude that I thought I always wanted. He KNEW he wanted marriage, a family, and made it clear he wanted it with me. It was like I couldn't do anything wrong. Even when **** started hitting the fan with random issues that started popping up, he was gonna stick with me even if he got run over for it. But I just wasn't feeling it. He didn't have what I needed for a lasting spark, and I saw that early on, so I ended it early on. But who's to say I'll ever find another person who wants to stick with me to THAT extent, but who is also compatible with me?

 

And even if I do, what happens when things change and they want a divorce when I'm 35? Go to the next guy, get married again? Maybe it's just not worth the risk... I don't know. Part of me even wonders if I'm STUPID for dumping the no-spark guy because he probably would've stayed with me forever, whereas some guy that I'm totally happy with might be the one to end up leaving.

 

Maybe I'll just have friends and call it a day.

 

Your grandparents had numerous things going for them. They likely weren't promiscuous, there is science indicating higher marital success rates when both the male and female have low partner counts as well as higher chemical bonding. They are probably religious. Your grandpa probably brought home the bacon (this is actually important contrary to belief). They aren't selfish people meaning your grandma didn't wake up one day and regret all of the fun times she missed out on. They also probably took commitment seriously. I can go on and on. Today's social mechanisms aren't really built for that type of relationship anymore. Unless your 14 and a virgin then no I doubt you'll find something close to what they have. You can still create a happy marriage, but marriage 2.0 is way different than the marriage of old imo. Is it better? it's a purely relative question. You should look up female hypergamy and see if anything resonates.

[Woggle]

It does still exist but it is very very rare.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Your grandparents had numerous things going for them. They likely weren't promiscuous, there is science indicating higher marital success rates when both the male and female have low partner counts as well as higher chemical bonding. They are probably religious. Your grandpa probably brought home the bacon (this is actually important contrary to belief). They aren't selfish people meaning your grandma didn't wake up one day and regret all of the fun times she missed out on. They also probably took commitment seriously. I can go on and on. Today's social mechanisms aren't really built for that type of relationship anymore. Unless your 14 and a virgin then no I doubt you'll find something close to what they have. You can still create a happy marriage, but marriage 2.0 is way different than the marriage of old imo. Is it better? it's a purely relative question. You should look up female hypergamy and see if anything resonates.

 

Well, you're right about some of these points. I know that my grandpa was my grandma's first and only guy.. which in itself is mind boggling to me. They are Jewish.. not very practicing though. Not so sure about the money thing. Actually, my grandma was the one that started a business and brought in a lot of dough. My grandpa played the trumpet in the military. Lol when I was 14 I wasn't even dating yet, so I guess I missed the boat on that one. I do agree that times have changed.

[kaylan]

My grandma met her husband when she was 14. They have been married for over 60 years, and she has everything good to say about him. I always thought that's what I wanted, and I even thought it was possible, but lately I question whether it IS possible.

Its possible for some people...but how many people really want that? One person for my whole life...the person I dated as a teenager? I wouldnt want that. Consider all the growing you do as you reach your 20s. I couldnt imagine having stayed with any of my exes the rest of my life. We just didnt fit and we both needed to grow up some.

 

Your grandparents are from a different era...and you should also realize that just because 2 people stay married, it doesnt mean they are madly in love or have a perfect marriage. Many old timers stay together for the good of the family, not love. My best friends grandma was with her husband till his passing, but they slept in separate rooms and she loved him but wasnt in love with him.

 

And lets not forget that plenty of men from the older generation would have fun on the side and not get divorced. Personally I like the idea of experiencing life on my own and figuring out just what I want in a woman as an adult. Theres no way I could have picked the right girl for me as a teenage kid.

It's easy to get sucked into romantic Notebook-esque movies, and my God of course I'd take that kind of relationship if it were out there for real. But maybe it's not meant for me. A couple weeks ago I broke up with a guy I just wasn't feeling it with. I'm not heartbroken or "getting over it" or anything because I knew that relationship wasn't doing it for me. It's the easiest transition from relationship to singledom that I've ever had. But also, that relationship only lasted a month and a half.

It is easy to get swept up in movies like the Notebook or tv shows like Dawsons Creek....although Dawsons Creek is more realistic. And if you want a realistic movie about love, go rent 500 Days of Summer.

 

Dont let the media tell you what love should be like. Its not perfect...and things take time. And sometimes people dont grow old with one person. Some folks have several long term relationships in life. Maybe more than one marriage. I think to become sane in this big dating world, that a person needs to stop having expectations of failure or forever. Dont expect things not to work out, but dont expect them to be forever either.

 

Take life as it comes....live it....thats what I mean. I was thinking some of these same things a few months ago. Made a similar thread actually. I felt better about everything when I dropped my expectations and took a day by day approach.

 

Anyway, the guy was so into me and had an attitude that I thought I always wanted. He KNEW he wanted marriage, a family, and made it clear he wanted it with me. It was like I couldn't do anything wrong. Even when **** started hitting the fan with random issues that started popping up, he was gonna stick with me even if he got run over for it. But I just wasn't feeling it. He didn't have what I needed for a lasting spark, and I saw that early on, so I ended it early on. But who's to say I'll ever find another person who wants to stick with me to THAT extent, but who is also compatible with me?

We are young right now. I know I want marriage one day...but Im not gonna over think it at 25 like some people do. First I want to just date and see if a relationship has stability first. After being together for a while someone can worry about marriage. Planning it all out seems a bit too much in my view.

 

You do need that spark first...and after you find it, then you gotta see if theres long term potential with someone...and then youll date a couple years, live together, and then contemplate marriage. Constantly having marriage on the brain and forcing it like some people do, instead of simply being patient with the right person, is how people end up with the wrong person.

 

Dont regret the bf you just broke up with. Sure he was nice and liked you a lot...but if you stayed with him, youd be settling...and thats an unhappy road. Some people who settle sometimes find the right person later on and then have a spouse to divorce and a broken home with children....all because they didnt wait for the right person to begin with.

And even if I do, what happens when things change and they want a divorce when I'm 35? Go to the next guy, get married again? Maybe it's just not worth the risk... I don't know. Part of me even wonders if I'm STUPID for dumping the no-spark guy because he probably would've stayed with me forever, whereas some guy that I'm totally happy with might be the one to end up leaving.

 

Maybe I'll just have friends and call it a day.

How do you know you wont want a divorce? The realistic thing is that people change...they grow in time and want different things sometimes. I know I have much different expectations of life and love than I did at 16, 18, 22, or now. Each period I was at a different place and just growing. I wouldnt change a thing about where I am today.

 

Sometimes you have to just accept life for what it is. People wont stay the same. You just have to hope you grow together. Think about it....forever is a long time. Think about how different you are from who were a few years back. Just imagine how different you will be in ten years. How do you know the person you marry will still be the person you fell in love with 5 years later. They may be a completely different person to you, and you may want to find something different. It does happen.

 

I dont see why you are lamenting about dumping a guy you had no spark with. If youve ever had a real spark, and true fiery passion, then I dont think youd question breaking up with him. I wont settle for less than a crazy spark. Imagine how fulfilling it is to be with someone you dont really love all that much, and dont have powerful attraction to.

 

Youre too young to be worrying about this stuff. Maybe when youre 40 you can worry. But Id be miserable married to someone I settled for, especially if I ran into the right person for me and had to break someones heart. Dont be so jaded. Who says the guy you will have a spark with will want to leave? You cant predict the future.

 

Learn from the past, live in the present, prepare for the future. Hope for the best, but dont expect the worst. Take life as it comes.

Edited March 15, 2012 by kaylan

[oldguy]

Relationships that last are not picked, there grown,

cultivated, nourished, cared for. They are given priority & tolerance.

Weather it is together or apart we all change & if left to pure chance rather than effort by both, the chance is it will be apart. oldguyism

[Emilia]

My grandma met her husband when she was 14. They have been married for over 60 years, and she has everything good to say about him. I always thought that's what I wanted, and I even thought it was possible, but lately I question whether it IS possible.

 

[...]

 

I needed for a lasting spark, and I saw that early on, so I ended it early on. But who's to say I'll ever find another person who wants to stick with me to THAT extent, but who is also compatible with me?

 

And even if I do, what happens when things change and they want a divorce when I'm 35? Go to the next guy, get married again? Maybe it's just not worth the risk... I don't know. Part of me even wonders if I'm STUPID for dumping the no-spark guy because he probably would've stayed with me forever, whereas some guy that I'm totally happy with might be the one to end up leaving.

 

Maybe I'll just have friends and call it a day.

 

I'm sure your grandparents have been very happy with eachother but I think for a lot of people being married off young and spending their lives with one person was a prison. I know it was for my grandparents both on my father's and mother's side. My father's father left my grandmother after having 6 children with her for a younger woman and he moved back with her after the younger woman had spent his money. This was in the 60s I think and my grandmother didn't have the option to divorce him because they were poor, social security was non-existent then.

 

On my mother's side it was even worse, my grandparents married for love and they were a little older when they met but my grandfather was a very heavy drinker and my mother had a difficult upbringing.

 

At the age of 39 I appreciate how liberal modern relationships are and the opportunities we have today. I would never ever want to go backwards. If I don't find the right man ever then clearly there is something in me that prevents me to do so as I meet guys all the time. Being stuck with one person for my whole life would not be the answer for that and it would just make me feel miserable. I don't think this has anything to do with too many options, it has much more to do with my own personality. People had to oppress these feelings and thoughts in the past because they lived in smaller communities and were judged harshly. That's not the life I would want.

[missyme04]

It does still exist but it is very very rare.

 

So rare! people now a days. can't live with only one partner. tsk! happened to me before and made my heart BROKEN. But now fully recovered. hihihi

[udolipixie]

Does it really exist anymore?

Not really as many men are anti-marriage and have gulped down loads of dubious MRA kool-aid.

 

Don't think that your grandparents relationship was the norm in those times either. Romance like that is hardly the norm no matter what times since if it was it wouldn't be the ideal or called highly romanticized.

 

You're not stupid for dumping the no-spark guy to me.

Probably best suit not to tie yourself down out of fear that you won't find someone else unless you're a great actress who if you develops contempt/resentment for your partner can hide it from your children if you doesn't believe in divorces. Do you wish to stay with a guy you have no feelings for or attraction to because he's loyal? If so you can sort of get the same loyalty from a dog without the fear that things will change and divorce t 35. Plus you won't have to do obligatory marriage sex with a partner you're not interested in.

 

Probably best to have a live you think is happy and fulfilled without a partner.

[Whisky1981]

Heh...keep on searching for princes on white horses girls...this is the reason that nothing like this exsist anymore.

 

My stomach ache when I go out on fridays and suterdays at the clubs. I am wondering if girls still have any respect for themselvs.

 

I have been in a 9 year relationship, I thought I had found my soulmate and when problems started to arise she just switched to a new guy.

 

In the old days people made some effort to solve the problems they had. Nowdays especially girls seem to just keep switching guys till they find their prince.

 

But you know all those horses are green...have you ever seen one?

[udolipixie]

Your grandpa probably brought home the bacon (this is actually important contrary to belief).

I can see it's importance in being a hindrance for the woman to divorce.

She's been out of the workforce if she was ever in it so that's a disadvantage and she depends on him for financial survival.

 

How is it important otherwise?

 

They aren't selfish people meaning your grandma didn't wake up one day and regret all of the fun times she missed out on. They also probably took commitment seriously.

Intersting that you only make note of the gal's selfishness.

 

You should look up female hypergamy and see if anything resonates.

Ah so that's most likely the why on the single note.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Some good points in this thread.

 

Kaylan,

 

I agree that breaking up with that ex was a good decision. Funny thing is, I actually DID once feel that spark... that passionate head-over-heels sort of feeling. It was the relationship before the most recent guy. He was young (younger than me), confused, and "fell out of love" with me and it ended. Broke my heart more than anything ever had. Then after months of getting over that I tried things with this new guy, and he seemed more sure of himself and about what he wanted, but that spark wasn't there. I agree with the "take life as it comes" sentiment as well. I think I was having a frustrated night and vented a bit, lol. I think I'm also worried about turning 23 next month. I have NO CLUE why, but somehow being 20 and 21 feels like you're still a child, 22 still about the same, but suddenly 23 feels like I should be more adult-like or something... like my time is running out to do various things. (that's probably total BS though, lol)

 

Oh yeah, and I also agree with not settling for someone, because it won't be fair when you find someone who you DO have that spark with. While I was with the most recent ex I actually was starting to think about what qualities I wished he had, and how I'd likely be happier if he did have them. So yeah, glad I left.

 

Emilia,

 

Good points. I probably did not think enough of the other side of things. I believe it IS possible to have a lifelong marriage that is also happy, but it is only possible if both people keep wanting to work at the relationship throughout aaalllllll those many years. And that indeed is rare.

 

Whisky1981,

 

I'm sorry for your experience. I think there are a lot of circumstances surrounding why people leave and move on to others sometimes. To be honest I am usually very invested in my relationships and for me to be in a sustained, long term thing it is because I'm very into the guy. That's why my most recent relationship only lasted barely a month and a half. It actually surprised me that I wasn't that into him, because usually I'm quite into every guy that I choose to date. In your case, I would think that you guys just grew apart somehow... something changed. It sucks I know, and is part of the reason I made this thread.. because I know that it happens.

Edited March 15, 2012 by DontWorryBHappy

[grkBoy]

Maybe I'll just have friends and call it a day.

 

The problem is you're being unrealistic. You, like many out there, want the "honeymoon" to come and happen forever. You want every day to be a romance novel with whoever you get with.

 

Life doesn't work that way. I'm sure your Grandmother had plenty of days where Grandfather went to listen to the radio, read the paper, have a beer with the boys, watch TV, etc...while she was taking care of the kids. I'm sure plenty of times they went to bed and it didn't erupt into passionate sex...even many days where they were civil with one another, but really didn't come off all "lovey dovey".

 

Of course your Grandmother won't tell you of those days. She'll speak of how your Grandfather did some romantic thing one night, or wrote a love letter when he was away without her, or how they went on a romantic trip back before having kids.

 

Right now, my fiance has been super-busy with hygiene school and I've been busy with work and keeping the fort. We don't have sex as often as we used to, and many nights the "quality time" is merely cuddling on the couch or in bed with a movie. Doesn't sound like the most romantic of times, but these are busy times...and we both know we adore one another mainly because life without one another seems worse.

 

I'll remember though the romantic nights out, the trips, the memorable moments. That's what it's about. You can't have constant memorable moments because it then devalues all the others. I'll remember being on the beach of Aegina with her, or strolling through Bratislava with her, or when we first kissed on an L platform, or every time she dove into my arms in tears because she was so happy.

 

You have to come down to reality and realize a true LTR isn't about sparks, fireworks, and excitement. It's about comfort, completion, and a true sense of intimacy. Not just intimacy in terms of sex, but in sharing everything, where this person gets more access to your mind and heart than any friend or relative would.

 

 

If you keep up this "must have fireworks" ethos, you're just going to join the countless amount of women out there who keep complaining how there's no "decent men" and keep thinking it's impossible to find deep love.

 

I'll also add in your Grandmother's day, things were different. Women married partially out of love, but also out of their "societal responsibility" to find a man, marry, have kids, and be a good wife. Things changed, and I'm not saying we should go back, but now women do not need those things...thus they want emotional happiness. Unfortunately, they seemingly can't fathom that with one man for 40+ years.

 

Your Grandmother also had a smaller pool of fish. You married within your neighborhood, among people you knew and whom your parents approved of. Women back then didn't normally travel the world and marry a guy from a far off place. There were no online or offline ads to meet loads of guys from all over the region.

 

Rethink what you want and find the reality among the fantasy. IMHO you threw away a good man.

Edited March 15, 2012 by grkBoy

[DontWorryBHappy]

The problem is you're being unrealistic. You, like many out there, want the "honeymoon" to come and happen forever. You want every day to be a romance novel with whoever you get with.

 

Life doesn't work that way. I'm sure your Grandmother had plenty of days where Grandfather went to listen to the radio, read the paper, have a beer with the boys, watch TV, etc...while she was taking care of the kids. I'm sure plenty of times they went to bed and it didn't erupt into passionate sex...even many days where they were civil with one another, but really didn't come off all "lovey dovey".

 

Of course your Grandmother won't tell you of those days. She'll speak of how your Grandfather did some romantic thing one night, or wrote a love letter when he was away without her, or how they went on a romantic trip back before having kids.

 

Right now, my fiance has been super-busy with hygiene school and I've been busy with work and keeping the fort. We don't have sex as often as we used to, and many nights the "quality time" is merely cuddling on the couch or in bed with a movie. Doesn't sound like the most romantic of times, but these are busy times...and we both know we adore one another mainly because life without one another seems worse.

 

I'll remember though the romantic nights out, the trips, the memorable moments. That's what it's about. You can't have constant memorable moments because it then devalues all the others. I'll remember being on the beach of Aegina with her, or strolling through Bratislava with her, or when we first kissed on an L platform, or every time she dove into my arms in tears because she was so happy.

 

You have to come down to reality and realize a true LTR isn't about sparks, fireworks, and excitement. It's about comfort, completion, and a true sense of intimacy. Not just intimacy in terms of sex, but in sharing everything, where this person gets more access to your mind and heart than any friend or relative would.

 

 

If you keep up this "must have fireworks" ethos, you're just going to join the countless amount of women out there who keep complaining how there's no "decent men" and keep thinking it's impossible to find deep love.

 

I'll also add in your Grandmother's day, things were different. Women married partially out of love, but also out of their "societal responsibility" to find a man, marry, have kids, and be a good wife. Things changed, and I'm not saying we should go back, but now women do not need those things...thus they want emotional happiness. Unfortunately, they seemingly can't fathom that with one man for 40+ years.

 

Your Grandmother also had a smaller pool of fish. You married within your neighborhood, among people you knew and whom your parents approved of. Women back then didn't normally travel the world and marry a guy from a far off place. There were no online or offline ads to meet loads of guys from all over the region.

 

Rethink what you want and find the reality among the fantasy. IMHO you threw away a good man.

 

Ok, reading the beginning of this response made me feel angry. Then, I decided to calm down and thought you had merely misunderstood me, but now I'm angry again after reading your last sentence.

 

First, perhaps I didn't explain myself well enough when I talked about "spark" and especially when I mentioned a "Notebook-esque relationship". What I meant is, there needs to be something that brings two people together (aka: spark). I did NOT say it has to be there all the time - I know there will be times in a relationship where things are boring, where you argue, where things downright suck. But the relationship should still be built from a natural spark in combination with the comfort, respect, and intimacy that you speak of. You are very wrong about me. I do not expect "the honeymoon to last forever". What I do expect is to be able to find someone (if I am to be in a relationship) that I can have a mutual spark with. Something that draws us to each other. Again, this kind of flame won't always be burning at full brightness. Sometimes it will be simmering so low that you can hardly see it... but it's still there, and it can be fueled with proper care in a long term relationship.

 

What really angers me is that you say I "threw away a good man". You don't even know the guy, how can you even say that? Perhaps you were burned in the past by other women, and you felt they "threw you away". In the eyes of the guy that I broke up with, he felt he did a lot for me. Because he would drive to see me, and bought me jewelry for Valentines Day, and apparently loved me, and all that jazz. And that's GREAT and all, but what about the fact that we never really knew what to talk about? Or the fact that our personalities were so different in some key ways? Or the fact that we had a terrible time from the start with communication? Or the fact that we had very few common interests? Or the fact that he didn't like to go out dancing like me? Or the fact that he isn't spontaneous like me? Should I go on??? THOSE are the reasons why I was not feeling it with him. Would you suggest that I accept any man that loves me, no matter what? If I met some guy off the street today, dated him for a month, and he loved me with all his heart, but I felt we were incompatible, in your eyes I should still keep him?

 

Your logic is extremely flawed. You also mention times when your girlfriend would leap into your arms with TEARS in her eyes. Sure, maybe she can't feel that way RIGHT NOW, because of the CURRENT SITUATION. But she is CAPABLE of feeling that way with you. That, my friend, is called spark. What I am saying is that I felt I could never get to the point where I would have the desire to leap into my ex's arms with joy.... the dynamic just wasn't there. I actually got to the point (quickly) where I found myself oddly annoyed by him. Yet you say I threw away a good man. I did us both a favor is what I say.

Edited March 15, 2012 by DontWorryBHappy

[Untouchable_Fire]

Your logic is extremely flawed. You also mention times when your girlfriend would leap into your arms with TEARS in her eyes. Sure, maybe she can't feel that way RIGHT NOW, because of the CURRENT SITUATION. But she is CAPABLE of feeling that way with you. That, my friend, is called spark. What I am saying is that I felt I could never get to the point where I would have the desire to leap into my ex's arms with joy.... the dynamic just wasn't there. I actually got to the point (quickly) where I found myself oddly annoyed by him. Yet you say I threw away a good man. I did us both a favor is what I say.

 

What causes spark at the 5 minute mark of your first date often isn't the same thing that causes spark at the 10 year point.

 

What you call chemistry isn't some magical fairydust sprinkled over special people. We are attracted to other people for very specific reasons. If you don't take the time to examine your own motives... you will never even understand your own feelings.

 

I think that is what he is trying to say.

 

Why didn't you feel the "spark" with this guy?... there is no wrong answer. Why did you feel the "spark" with a guy that clearly wasn't that into you?

 

Our grandparents had a completely different set of values when finding a partner... as did their grandparents.

[DontWorryBHappy]

What causes spark at the 5 minute mark of your first date often isn't the same thing that causes spark at the 10 year point.

 

What you call chemistry isn't some magical fairydust sprinkled over special people. We are attracted to other people for very specific reasons. If you don't take the time to examine your own motives... you will never even understand your own feelings.

 

I think that is what he is trying to say.

 

Why didn't you feel the "spark" with this guy?... there is no wrong answer. Why did you feel the "spark" with a guy that clearly wasn't that into you?

 

Our grandparents had a completely different set of values when finding a partner... as did their grandparents.

 

A few things. You mention "the 5 minute mark of your first date". I'm not talking about the 5 minute mark. I didn't feel it with this guy up until 1 and a half months in.... I gave it enough of a chance to see if it was there at all. I agree that we are attracted to people for specific reasons. I didn't feel "spark" with the guy for the reasons I explained before. Our differing personalities, ways of communicating, etc. As for the ex before him, it wasn't simply that he "wasn't that into me". Trust me, for the first several months he was just as into me as I was into him. It was mutual. His feelings just changed, while mine did not. Such is life.

 

Also, maybe I'm using the word 'spark' too much. When I talk about spark, what I mean is the dynamic between two people. There are reasons that two people feel drawn together, and sometimes you can call that "spark". What I'm saying is that this guy loved me, and I guess that means he must have felt drawn to me. But it wasn't mutual. I didn't feel drawn enough to him to the point that I felt I could really fall in love with him. So I had to let him go.

Edited March 15, 2012 by DontWorryBHappy

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Don't worry, I do think long lasting love is very possible. But you need to be with someone that has the same thoughts about love as you do. Who knows that love takes hard work and that everyday won't feel like rainbows. That sometimes you might not even like the person all the time but you work on the issues and you stand by that person.

 

Unfortunetly, today in society we aren't taught this. Our grandparents came from a time of more hardship then we do. It made them more dependable and us more flighty. We have a very disposable culture that has seeped into how we treat people. Got a problem with something? Throw it away and get a new one..until you get a problem with that new "thing". Rinse, lather and repeat.

 

BUT, I think after this passes, you might find people again committed to commitment. I am just not sure how long that will take. The 60s-70s where pretty wild, then came the conservative 80s. Right now the internet is still pretty new to us. Technology is moving faster then ever. People are spiraling along with it. But I do hear a lot of people talk about this concern and it sounds like a lot of people DO want stable relationships. They just don't know how to make that happen.

 

Unforuntely, I do think a lot of young girls and women are sacrificing what they really may want, by buying into what culture tells them to be. I think it jades girls too early and makes them deny what they may really want. They don't demand boys/men treat them well and let men walk all over them. And as for boys/men, they become more self involved. They become more crass. They justify not caring for or respecting women. And they become less inclined to want to move out of boyhood to manhood because they don't even respect themselves today. They are less motivated to be respectful to women and less motivated to work like their fathers did. And because of this, both genders become more jaded toward the other.

 

BUT, I do think there is hope. It requires both genders wanting to do what is right and not neccesarily what feels good for them only.

[xxoo]

If you weren't in love with him, you were right to break it off.

 

When you fall in love, you'll just know. I bet your grandmother was told the same. It is still true.

 

The tricky part is accurately assessing the character of your partner, and the long-term compatibility you share, while in the early stages of love. You feel so good being around that person, it is hard to be objective about it. Time helps with that.

[kaylan]

Some good points in this thread.

 

Kaylan,

 

I agree that breaking up with that ex was a good decision. Funny thing is, I actually DID once feel that spark... that passionate head-over-heels sort of feeling. It was the relationship before the most recent guy. He was young (younger than me), confused, and "fell out of love" with me and it ended. Broke my heart more than anything ever had. Then after months of getting over that I tried things with this new guy, and he seemed more sure of himself and about what he wanted, but that spark wasn't there. I agree with the "take life as it comes" sentiment as well. I think I was having a frustrated night and vented a bit, lol. I think I'm also worried about turning 23 next month. I have NO CLUE why, but somehow being 20 and 21 feels like you're still a child, 22 still about the same, but suddenly 23 feels like I should be more adult-like or something... like my time is running out to do various things. (that's probably total BS though, lol)

 

Oh yeah, and I also agree with not settling for someone, because it won't be fair when you find someone who you DO have that spark with. While I was with the most recent ex I actually was starting to think about what qualities I wished he had, and how I'd likely be happier if he did have them. So yeah, glad I left.

Lol, I think many of us here know how it feels for someone to "fall out of love". It happened with me and my ex from a few years back. The spark was still intense with us almost right up until the end. I just knew it wouldnt work after our breakup, and there was too much drama so I bailed. I checked in on her a year later to get some closure, and then moved on.

 

And we all have our frustrated nights. I usually just write some music when that happens so I can ease my mind.

 

And the SAME thing happened to me at 23, and 24. Not so much at 25. But all my birthdays, including at age 22, I felt like a kid still. No worries, plenty of time to do things. When 23 hit...I felt like I had to rush to start a band...apply to grad schools even though I was barely into my junior year...and I started partying a lot because I didnt want to miss out on my youth. 24 was a little bit of the same...I wondered where my life was going. But with 25, I calmed down some and finally felt like a man and not a kid anymore. Quarter life crises does suck though.

 

And yeah, when you start thinking about changes you want your partner to have early on...its usually a sign to move on. With my ex I was perfectly content with her, despite our problems. I loved her, and we clicked on so many levels so there wasnt a thing I wanted to change about her.

 

Find that

Edited March 15, 2012 by kaylan

[kaylan]

You have to come down to reality and realize a true LTR isn't about sparks, fireworks, and excitement. It's about comfort, completion, and a true sense of intimacy. Not just intimacy in terms of sex, but in sharing everything, where this person gets more access to your mind and heart than any friend or relative would.

Plenty of people have relationships where there were sparks, fireworks, passion and also comfort, completion and intimacy at the same time.

 

It doesnt have to be one or the other. People can have both.

 

Most people need that passionate spark as a foundation. That attraction helps keep a flame lit, just like the comfort and intimacy will.

Rethink what you want and find the reality among the fantasy. IMHO you threw away a good man.

Come on now bro. You would of rather she settle for this guy? Would you want your lady to simply settle for you? Or do you want someone whos with you because they absolutely want you? Do you want someone whos with you just because something better never came along?

 

OP would look like even more of a bad guy if she stayed with this guy and developed more of a relationship only to dump him after he became more invested. It was best to pull the cord early and find someone she actually clicked with.

 

Also, you really contradicted yourself when you said "thus they[women] want emotional happiness" nowadays, but then go on to criticize the OP for trying to find that. You accusing her of "throwing away a good guy" is basically telling her you believe she should have settled and not found that emotional happiness she really wants.

Edited March 15, 2012 by kaylan

[DontWorryBHappy]

 

And the SAME thing happened to me at 23, and 24. Not so much at 25. But all my birthdays, including at age 22, I felt like a kid still. No worries, plenty of time to do things. When 23 hit...I felt like I had to rush to start a band...apply to grad schools even though I was barely into my junior year...and I started partying a lot because I didnt want to miss out on my youth.

Find that

 

Lol, I really wanna know what it is about age 23 that causes this. I'm definitely feeling it and technically I'm still 22, but I already feel 23. I also think it's because I was really confused about a lot of things in the past year and changed my mind about my career/life path multiple times, as well as spent more than half the year getting over the breakup from the guy before the most recent ex. So I'm always gonna remember age 22 as the year I spent confused and didn't consistently do anything. Oh well, I'm not 50 yet.

Edited March 15, 2012 by DontWorryBHappy

[Whisky1981]

Oh and one more thing that I have to mention about this now that I see that you are talking about sparks.

 

I have been told after 9 years that the spark just died and was left for that reason before I discovered that she had someone else.

 

Hmmmm...I think that my spark died off after a year but I coped with this because I saw a good person in her....ohhhh how wrong I was.

 

Sparks are bull**** that dont exist.

 

There is only being confortable with one person and counting on him/her.

 

So yeah.....I really dont think that anyone should look for perfect romances, they dont exsist. Adaptation is needed for two persons to coexist.

[kaylan]

Lol, I really wanna know what it is about age 23 that causes this. I'm definitely feeling it and technically I'm still 22, but I already feel 23. I also think it's because I was really confused about a lot of things in the past year and changed my mind about my career/life path multiple times, as well as spent more than half the year getting over the breakup from the guy before the most recent ex. So I'm always gonna remember age 22 as the year I spent confused and didn't consistently do anything. Oh well, I'm not 50 yet.

I think one reason is because 23 is close to a milestone age (25). Under 30 milestone ages in our generation include 13, 16, 18, 21, 25, and 30. First becoming a teenager (13), having a sweet 16, being at the age of majority (18), being at drinking age (21), and then finally settling into adulthood (25).

 

The thing about our 20s is that we are really figuring out what adult hood is all about. We are deciding what to do with our education, trying to find the career, trying to decide what we want in our dating life, and overall just figuring out what direction we want out life to go in. Its our first full decade as adults...so its a big deal.

 

You got time....dont sweat it.

Oh and one more thing that I have to mention about this now that I see that you are talking about sparks.

 

I have been told after 9 years that the spark just died and was left for that reason before I discovered that she had someone else.

 

Hmmmm...I think that my spark died off after a year but I coped with this because I saw a good person in her....ohhhh how wrong I was.

There should still be a long lasting spark with the right person. Itll will have different intensities throughout your relationship, but there should be something there. If its gone and you simply stay because someones a "good person" then Id say you were settling.

 

Spark is all about compatibility and dynamic. There a tons of good people out there, but staying with someone just because they are good enough wont cut it in the long run.

Sparks are bull**** that dont exist.

 

There is only being confortable with one person and counting on him/her.

I guess youve never had a total connection with someone that was also filled with raw passion. Thats what a spark is...mental, emotional, and physical connection all rolled into one. At least thats what it is for me. I had that with my ex...why settle for less?

 

I was also comfortable with her. You can have both ya know

 

So yeah.....I really dont think that anyone should look for perfect romances, they dont exsist. Adaptation is needed for two persons to coexist.

I dont think looking for a spark means someone is looking for perfection. I know relationships are hard work at times, but Im not gonna be with someone I dont feel absolutely drawn to.

 

I understand you are quite jaded at the moment, but all relationships do not last forever. Things change in time and you can only hope you change with your partner, together as a couple.

Edited March 15, 2012 by kaylan