sweetie7 Posted June 10, 2004 Posted June 10, 2004 I finally found out why my bf broke up with me. Maybe this can help explain some of your own break-ups or maybe you can give me some advice! Seriously, I should be a psych. major or something-all the sudden it all became clear. He didn't even know why he did it, I had to tell him. So here's the deal-I met my bf and he was really intense from the start. He fell hard for me and while it was a little scary, it was also quite flattering. So I just had to keep him in check and let him know I loved him but wasn't ready to talk about forever. We hung out all the time and had so much fun together. We would often have long talks with him saying things like "I want to be with you forever-I know that's scary to you but I just want to tell you how I feel." As time went on, I definitely started to be able to see myself w/ him in the future. He is just an amazing guy. He's in a fraternity so he knows how to have fun but he's very grown up and and isn't into a lot of the things his brothers are into. I think they all really look up to him also bc he gets really good grades, has an awesome job, is going to optometry school next year, and had a nice girlfriend (hehe me). My family loved him and treated him like a son. And my friends always commented on how they could see how much he loved me. He was always doing things like buying me presents (little things) and just caring for me. I honestly have never been able to be so much myself around anyone before. I could talk to him about anything and would get a tingly feeling in me just thinking about him. So I was SHOCKED when he broke up with me. We had NO problems in our relationship. How can a person gush about their future with you one day and then dump you the next?? Well, yesterday I figured it out. All this time I thought he was the one guy not afraid of commitment, well he's the worst of them all and has no self-esteem to boot! I played a 3 year game with this guy and it could have gone on forever. See, throughout our entire relationship, he was always one level of intensity up from me. I would feel guilty that I was a little unsure of my feelings, etc. etc. He must have subconsciensly learned at a young age that girls don't want guys who are afraid of commitment, so he took the opposite approach from most guys. He acted like he loved it and wanted it more than anything (I believe he really thought he did) and for some reason it gave him pleasure to see how long it could take before the girl would get to his level. It took me three years. I had been having some friend problems and had been relying on him a little more and telling him how much I appreciate him, love him, etc. All the sudden, he got bored. Game over. I loved him as much as he loved me, now what? This came to me very randomly while I was talking to him yesterday. I just started gushing it out and he stared at me shocked. He was like "oh my god, you're right. I'm so sorry I had no idea-You know me better than I know my own self" Part of the reason I figured it out is bc a girl he's chasing after now who I KNOW he doesn't really like is giving him the run-around saying she doesn't want to hang out, etc. and he is loving it. This is what he lives for. This also explains why last week when I was hanging out at the bar with another guy, my ex got really upset and came over later and was acting like he wanted me back--because I had gone down a level and the game was back on! I feel really bad for him bc this is an awful thing. I can imagine him asking a girl to marry him, her saying no, him begging, her saying yes, them getting married, and then uh oh i'm married and the game is over and boring. I'm also very bitter that I was involved in such a long game that I had no idea about. I never asked for that kind of relationship, I would have been fine just being bf/gf with no forever, let's talk about our kids and the house we're going to build. But I got sucked into it and started to like it, that's what makes it so annoying. SO now I'm really trying my best to do some no-contact (except I have to work with him 3 days a week!) and let him realize I don't want him and if he ever wants me back it is going to have to be for real with no games. I really think we could have a future together, he just wasn't ready which is fine except that he pretended for 3 years he was more than ready! Anyone else have this experience??? PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!!
Blah Toolz Posted June 10, 2004 Posted June 10, 2004 Hrm... that sounds a little bit strange -- that it was all a game to him, and that he just wanted to wait until you showed that you loved him as much as the facade that he put on for you... and now he's done. Game over, he's bored, he's moving on for the thrill of the hunt again...? Why would you want someone like that?
swtbonita Posted June 10, 2004 Posted June 10, 2004 Alot of guys act like that in the beginning.. my bf did. In the first week that we were together he was so sure that we were going to get married. and 2 1/2 years later he has a great job, has bought a house and is just waiting for me to finish school. I don't see how you can think of a story like that to make you feel better. People don't think about playing a game like that to other people. I can understand maybe he is not ready for marriage and maybe he missed out on all the fraternaty fun and now just wants to experience everything that he missed out on. you shouldn't blame it on the fact that he was playing a game... realize that he just wasn't ready to settle for you..
Author sweetie7 Posted June 10, 2004 Author Posted June 10, 2004 I guess I didn't really explain myself fully....he didn't realize he was doing it. He's not a mean guy. He really believed he wanted to be with me and he loved the feeling of getting me to love him more and more. He just loved the thrill of the chase and when I felt the same way I thought he felt, he got bored. There was no further to go and he was scared. Because he has low self esteem (although he acts very sure of himself) he found a new girl who flirted with him but played hard to get. He realizes that this is true. He likes the feeling of intensity and excitement. He is apologizing to me now and saying he realizes that he has a problem with this. I don't know, it makes sense to me. Oh and Blah Toolz- I didn't want someone like that...and I still don't. I am just realizing that while I thought he was so mature, he really has a whole lot of growing up to do before he can figure out what he wants. Overall, I believe he is a good guy whomade a lot of dumb mistakes and hurt me really badly though unintentionally.
Love2share Posted June 11, 2004 Posted June 11, 2004 I don't really think a person like this can change. It's self esteem issues they're working with. He would need some professional counceling or something. As I read the orgl post, I realize that this is what happened with me and my ex-boyfriend as well. I mean, he started telling me he loved me three weeks after we met. I used to get mad at him and tried hard to put distance between the two of us because he really wasn't my type. I knew that he was veeery flirtatious. And he had a reputaion of being a womanizer. I started ignoring him, and he started sending me flowers, coming to my apartment, calling me up to 10 times a day. Once, I didn't answer my phone for him for a whole day. He called 3 times an hour from sun up to sun down. Finally by midnight, he called the operator and told them to call me and leave a message. It was pathetic. So I gave in, and agreed to be in an LDR with him. As soon as I'd proven to him that I loved him, as much as he loved me, he started giving more time to his ex-girlfriend who was starting to diss him. He also started meeting and dating other females. There I was, feeling stupid, and wishing I'd never allowed him to get to me in the first place. I broke up with him, and he just simply moved right on. It's only been two weeks since we broke up, and he's already seriously involved with someone else. But he just sent me some flowers yesturday telling me he still loves me, and he hopes that I will consider us getting back together some time in the future. OMGWTF.
reasontosigh Posted June 11, 2004 Posted June 11, 2004 I don't really think a person like this can change. It's self esteem issues they're working with. He would need some professional counceling or something. He might need it, although even if he does he sure won't lose anything by it. Frankly, I just think he still has some growing up to do. ....I can understand maybe he is not ready for marriage and maybe he missed out on all the fraternaty fun and now just wants to experience everything that he missed out on. you shouldn't blame it on the fact that he was playing a game... This is a bit more on the mark IMO, although I have to say it is indeed a game, no matter how you look at it. Consciously or not, he is definitely playing games here. It may be small comfort, but I think the only way things are going to change with this guy is when the tables get turned on him in a similar manner. In other words some girl will reel him in to the point where he's totally hooked and he goes through his own 3 year (or however long it takes) ordeal, and she ultimately does to him what he did to sweetie7 - then the light bulb will go off for him.
Author sweetie7 Posted June 11, 2004 Author Posted June 11, 2004 Yeah I believe he needs to experience it for himself. He's telling me he is going to try to change but I don't know how he can...it obviously makes him feel good so why would he stop? It's just living in the moment. I think he just needs to grow up. He has everyone fooled thinking he is such a mature amazing guy who knows just what he wants in life. He needs to realize that once two people love each other the same amount, they can still continue to grow and love each other even more. Oh well, I'm glad he realizes his problem now...we'll see what the future brings.
jk Posted June 11, 2004 Posted June 11, 2004 My ex pulled the "I can't commit to you anymore" line last month too. Everything that happened to you happened to me exactly like how you explained. It was really hard at first- I felt so foolish for buying into all that crap. He would always bring up getting married and raising a family together. I think we could have a future together too, once he gets his act together. It's just so frustrating that I was with this guy for 3 years and all of a sudden he comes to the realization that he's not ready. I know just how you feel. Things get better with time, trust me...Just try to keep yourself busy, and when you see him at work just try to play it cool. I know it's hard but things will get easier with time.
easylover Posted June 11, 2004 Posted June 11, 2004 Wow, I can't believe how true this rings with my current relationship. He was like an f'in Romeo in the beginning and went from "l love you" to "I want to MARRY YOU!" over and over again. and now he is cold to me and never wants to do anything anymore. He seems terribly bored with me. Terribly. And it really hurts bad.
Cupcake Posted June 11, 2004 Posted June 11, 2004 The chances of him meeting someone who will turn the tables on him are very rare. Sure there are females out there with ruthless, immature, and selfish minds like this. But opposites attract. It's very likely that he will see this type of potential in that female, and he will not get involved. Or, they will both be playing the same games on each other. It won't work. But let's just say if he really does get a dose of his own medicine. He may decide to change. He will think about all the females that he's hurt in the past. (Certainly, you're not the first or the last to experience his pain) There is no garantee that he will come running back to you. And getting a dose of his own medicine could make him vengeful, and worse towards all women. It all boils down to this being his problem, not yours. It's only your problem when you continue to be involved with him. Since you clearly still feel more strongly for him than he does for you, you really need to step away, for your sake.
Author sweetie7 Posted June 12, 2004 Author Posted June 12, 2004 Thanks for all the responses. I know this is his problem but it has become my problem since it has efffected me so much. It's easy to tell someone to step away but because he has been my entire life and best friend for 3 years, it's not so easy to do. Plus, I know I should just forget it but it makes me so sad to see him do this to himself. I look back and realize he doesn't have any friends from childhood. He only feels happy when he has a girl he can provide and care for. I just don't know what to do, we just had a huge crying fight and ended it hugging and him saying he's doing his best. He loves me so much and wants to be my friend but he is so confused about who he is. I would love to do no contact but there are 2 reasons I can't. The first is that I work w/ him. This sounds less complicated than it is. See, I offered a couple months ago (when we were fine) to work at the store he manages during our school's orientation. Since I made the commitment I couldn't back out so now I'm there helping and he's supposed to tell me what to do. It's so weird bc I know his boss and all his co-workers from the various work parties I've been to w. him throughout the years. They all know what's going on and everything. So it's so weird for me to be in that environment. The other reason no contact wouldn't work is bc I don't think we would ever talk again after. He is very good at pushing things out of his head and if I wasn't there, I think he would go on and try to forget me. This sounds horrible and that he must not care about me but I know he does. He is just not used to having friends that last in his life and tries to think about the "here and now" When I go home in 2 weeks I think I might try it to an extent. Like I won't be there as his friend but if we talk a little it will be okay. I just don't know what to do. He is such a wonderful awesome guy who is just messing up really badly right now and dragging me down with him. I never asked him or pushed him to commit to me so much; I had no idea I even wanted that until he kept telling me we had such a great future...I think that's what sucks the most-I was fine having a normal college relationship-he took it to the next level and when I felt the same way he fled. Thanks guys, good luck to everyone in the same situation. Keep me updated!!
jk Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 sweetie7, I can't believe how our exes are so much alike! I never pushed for commitment either- he just wholeheartedly jumped into the idea of getting married and raising a family together. I was okay with having just a normal college relationship too. We went to different schools but we would miss each other a lot and talk every single night. I was wary at first of how he kept talking about our future together, but eventually I bought into it...I guess we both moved too fast and now look what's happened.... My ex has friends, but they are all busy doing their own thing- they only hang out once in a while. I feel the same way you do- if I push him away he will forget about me knowing that I don't want anything to do with him even when I really do. No one was really there for him when he was little; his parents were busy trying to make enough money to make ends meet and he had to take care of all his siblings. I know that me being in his life makes him want to be a better person- if I completely disappear then it will be really hard on him. He is just in a really confused stage in his life and trying to figure out what he wants. This doesn't make him a bad person necessarily. I know he still cares but all the confusion he is feeling is like a cloud over his head. Like you said, I know this is his problem and it seems selfish of him to just end our relationship when it was going so well. I think our exes need to mature on their own, and we should keep their distance but at the same time be there for them. I don't know if that makes sense to you. Keep me posted about your situation and I wish you the best of luck also.
Cupcake Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 Your perspective intrigues me !!! Tell me, just exactly what are you doing while these men are out there F--kng anything walking...just doing whoever and whatever they want? Okay, so they are going through a phase. Clearly, the two of you seem to have the same point of view. And my ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriend was the same way. That's why he went running back to her as soon as the two of us broke up. But guess what, all he did was cry on her sweet little shoulder. Then he started dating someone new. And his ex has been waiting for him for six years. She met him when she was only 20 years old. Now at the age of 26, poor thing has never dated anyone else since she met my ex. And he still won't be with her. Now that I've broken up with him, I realize how he has trapped her, and several others. He told me the sad story about his terrible childhood with no friends and parents who weren't really there. Then he gave me "permision" to move on with my life; but he wanted me to promise that I would never abandon him. He even cried for me to grant that request. But you know what, I remembered his ex-girlfriend telling me that same sad story as I spoke with her (during the time that I had called her out of anger and insecurity). This was the reason she gave for staying in his life. She said that his life would be hard without her. She boldly told me that she was willing to wait, forever, for him, because he would always be a part of her. It was really sad. I felt so sorry for her, I almost broke up with him right then. So when he gave me that request to always be there for him, I thought about his ex-girlfriend being there. I also thought about the other ex who is still and has always been there waiting for him. I never called the other ex, because the first ex was enough for me to realize that of all the women he'd dated, they were the only two who stuck with him. So hoped that I would stick with him too. Without me, my ex-boyfriend already has two faithful ex's waiting for him to mature. I thought, 'how many women does he need to keep him from having a hard life?' I refused to be the next one on his waiting list. So I told him to stay away from me. My point for all this is, there is obviously a lot of women out here who are faithful enough to wait for a man to mature. While he's maturing, he's constantly collecting other women to wait for him. What makes you sooooo sure that he will come running back to you? That same faith that you have, other woman have it, or will have it, for him too. Do you think he would wait for you if the tables were turned and you needed to "mature?" Hell NO. He would call you a "ho" and leave you in the dust. It's like, he's the only fish in a huge pond, and everyone is standing on the edge with large baits. They keep dropping the hooks into the water. Except, no one catches him. He just keeps swimming around taking small bites from everyones hooks, knowing just how much to nibble so that he doesn't get caught. Everytime he nibbles, the fishers get hope, knowing that they almost got him. That hope keeps them from giving up and moving to a better pond. Instead, they just keep giving him more bait. Meanwhile, he stays strong enough to keep swimming around. Why would he stop? That's how he's being fed. And he needs to eat in order to survive. Do whatever you feel is best for you. I wish you the best. But I just want you to think seriously about what I'm saying. You sound really really kind. And I hate to see a fellow "Loveshackian" get hurt. ;-)
capitald Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 "realize that he just wasn't ready to settle for you.." which was responded to by: "I guess I didn't really explain myself fully...." See this is the whole damned problem. When I say something people get judgemental, angry and crazy, but when other people say something that can even be described as judgemental and even possibly mean, the person will respond in a friendly and even possibly a defering manner. THATS YOUR REAL PROBLEM SWEETS, your sleeping with the enemy and you get off on it.
jk Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 I see what you are saying, Cupcake. I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I'm not pining away for him right now and waiting for him to mature. I'm moving on with my life and I'm actually happy with the way things are. If a guy I like comes along, I'll go ahead and date him. My ex never made me promise to not abandon him. When I talked to him I made it clear that he really needed to deal with his past and learn to be on his own for a while. Whether or not he does that is his choice. I'm going to distance myself from him but if he calls or tries to talk to me I'm not going to be like "Shut up, I don't want to talk to you!" I know that I can easily get taken advantage of in a situation like this and I will be careful. Thanks for sharing your concerns and warning us.
TrulyTrish Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 Hey everyone, When I was reading through everyone's posts I started to cry. You have made me realise that my on/off boyfriend is playing the same game. He chased me for a year before I finally relented and we began dating. He was the most amazing boyfriend anyone could hope to have, and I fell madly in love within 6 months, sucked in by his grand gestures and romantic statements about the future. Well the day that I professed these feelings was the day he began slipping away. It was so horribly confusing - I thought our relationship would only get better when we were on equal footing, and instead he became a virtual stranger overnight. He eventually admitted his fear of abandonment and issues with commitment to loving relationships. I have now been hanging around in the hope that he will work through his issues and come back to me (as he said he wants to) for TWO YEARS. Although I don't believe he is being intentionally cruel, he has sucked all the enegry out of me and I feel like I will no longer escape this cycle. Any advice? I don't know how to move on.
Love2share Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 is to put distance between the two of you. He has you trapped by holding your interest on him. That post about the fish in the pond was really cool! As long as you are focused on him, you won't be able to move on. I once dated this guy who held me like this for three years. You know, I was still hoping and waiting for this man until my recent ex-boyfriend came along and made me hope for something better. Only problem was...he was the exact same way. Distance will allow you to not be available and at their every call. You don't have to be rude to them. Because that's terrible too. Especailly if you really do believe this is the only man for you. And it's normal to feel this way, until someone better comes along. So as long as you feel like he's the only man, don't be rude, but demand respect and better treatment from him. If you have caller ID, let him leave messages if he calls. Take a few days to return the calls, and give him good excuses for why you have been busy working, studying, doing some hobby that you like, or hanging out with your friends. Something that will let him know that you are there for him, but you aren't just "sitting" around waiting for him. It's too easy to be taken advantage of when you don't have anything else going on in your life. Even if you don't have anything going on, dicipline youself to stop calling and accepting his calls. Make him think that you do have something esle going on. But do try to go out and meet other people.
Author sweetie7 Posted June 12, 2004 Author Posted June 12, 2004 Wow JK I can't believe how similar our problems are!! I think one problem w/ this board is that everyone's experiences are at leat a little bit different and it's really hard for us to explain our situations exactly. My ex isn't telling me not to abandon him-he is telling me that I need to do what is best for me. He really wants to be friends but he's not pushing me to do anything. I also don't think he's "F--kng anything walking" He's not in it for the play, he has emotional security problems and doesn't know how to be alone. I KNOW I should distance myself but I can't describe to you the extreme emotional bond we had/have (I know everyone probably says this) Like JK, I am also moving on and am willing to start dating other guys but I don't want to lose my ex completely. No matter what he did, I want him in my life because I know he is a good person and I know he is going to have an awesome future, he just needs to figure out relationships. TrulyTrish-our stories are amazingly similar as well!! I wish I had some good advice for you. All I can say is that it's best to try and push thought of him out of your head and think about other things/people. Have you dated at all in the past 2 years? Maybe you should try and when he sees this he will realize he needs to make a decision. And if you doesn't choose you, you will meet another great guy. Capitald-I didn't really understand what you were saying. I was just further explaining my story bc I guess I forgot to add some details that were causing people to draw the wrong conclusions...did I do something wrong??
Stupidme Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 I will tell you this...I still love my GF of 2 years with all my heart. We have broken twice ( I did the breaking up)..only because of my issues. I have seen a therapist 4 x now and it is helping soooo much..I just hope I have not lost the best thing that has ever happend to me..Your BF needs to do this for himself before he does it for anyone else...I can gurantee you that all hope is not lost...You just have to trust him again and he has to prove to you that you can...Take it from someone who knows.
capitald Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 Nevermind what I said, the real issue is that it sounds like he got scared and you gave him the ticket to run.
Author sweetie7 Posted June 13, 2004 Author Posted June 13, 2004 How did I give him the ticket to run??
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