joystickd Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 As a man, how many times have you heard members of the opposite sex express comments such as, "All men think about is sex!" "All men want from women is sex!" "Why is it that a man cannot enjoy a woman's company without making an attempt to get in her pants?" In my free time, I peruse many dating & relationships message boards and inevitably, I can't help but run across at least a handful of discussion threads where some woman is whining about being 'used' for sex. Men ... please don't allow yourselves to become intimidated by these highly subjective and disparaging criticisms and invalid fault-finding. Yours Truly says, if all you want from a woman is sex, just say so. Ahhh. Easier said than done, huh? The "just say so" portion of the conversation is exactly what is extremely challenging for the vast majority of men. Men have been brainwashed to believe that straightforwardly asking for sex is somehow 'bad,' 'rude' and/or socially inappropriate and will cause them to be forever labeled as a 'shallow, sex-crazed jerk.' Don't believe the hype. Nothing could be further from the truth. In Summer of 2007, I got invited to speak to a group of church-going folk and those practicing celibacy and sexual abstinence in Northwest Indiana about Mode One and my Four Modes of Verbal Communication™. Initially, I was a bit intimidated. I thought to myself, "how is a group of conservative-minded men and middle age-to-older religious women going to feel about me encouraging men to be upfront and straightforward about their desire for [casual] sex from women? Is my skin thick enough for the harsh criticisms, insults and self-righteous judgments that will surely be hurled my way at the conclusion of my presentation?" To my mild surprise, my presentation was greeted with applause. The audience loved my message. More specifically, at the end of my presentation I was approached by a group of church-going women, most of them in their mid-to-late fifties, sixties and seventies. These seemingly prudish-minded women encouraged me to start a speaking tour in high schools and colleges about Mode One and my Four Modes of Verbal Communication™. Their reasoning and motivation? One woman in the group said, "I am so tired of these young [high school and college-aged] boys getting girls drunk or putting Ecstasy pills and other date-rape drugs in their food and drinks in order to get them to have sex. If these boys want sex, they need to be courageous enough to just say so. Then, the girls would be in a position to either say 'Yes, I want to have sex' or 'No, I don't want to have sex.'" (Now of course, these women believed that if their daughters and nieces were brought up with the "right" values and principles, then they would surely offer the latter response) See, these spiritual women ... most of whom were staunchly against the idea of premarital sex and promiscuous casual sex ... get it. I've had a few women express criticisms of Mode One Behavior and offer arguments such as, "if a guy approaches me ... and all that is on his mind is having sex with me ... then I'm not down with that. That means he is just trying to 'use me' to get his rocks off." My usual response is, "Let's say all a man wants to do IS get his rocks off with you. Nothing more, nothing less. Wouldn't you want to know that from the get-go so if you are not interested, you can simply reject him in an upfront manner and not waste time??" Quite frequently, the next response is silence and/or mumbled words. A former mentor of mine once said, "You're not being 'used' if I tell you ahead of time that I'm motivated to interact with you for one primary purpose or favor. I'm only 'using' you if I give you the impression that I want to interact with you for a wide variety of mutually beneficial reasons, when in actuality, I only have one very self-serving interest in mind." I agree with his definition. In other words, if the only reason I am interacting with a woman is for two-to-three weeks worth of enjoyable, kinky sex ... and I tell her that upfront and straightforwardly, and she agrees to it ... I don't consider that "using her" for sex. Now on the other hand, if I meet this same woman ... and I give her the misleading impression that I enjoy her company because of her intellectual insight, her profound wisdom, her charming personality and humor, and because I might want to make her my wife one day ... when in actuality, I just want to exchange orgasms with her for two-to-three weeks, then yes .... that would be representative of using that woman. Men, don't think for a second that women are not beyond using you for their own self-serving reasons. Did you see the 1981 erotic thriller, Body Heat? Starring William Hurt and Kathleen Turner? One of the best feauture-film examples of a woman who totally misled and manipulated a man for her own selfish gain. Did Ned Racine (Hurt) get laid? Yes. Did he get played? Most definitely. (Movie lesson for men: Getting laid is fun, but it's not always the be-all and end-all of a successful interaction with a woman) The very thing that many women cry about being used for ... sex ... is the very thing that some of these same women with more exploitive, underlying agendas tend to use as a tool of manipulation with men.
FrustratedStandards Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 I agree. Why can't people just come out and say it? My long time f*ck buddy and I are like this. We both stated we only liked each other for the sexual chemistry and for our bodies. That was that. We have been F buddies ever since, no problems, no attachments, nada. It just saves so much time and no one gets their hopes up. As for the "men only want sex" part, it's not always true, but in a man's world, a relationship (and apparently date for some people) isn't real or worthy if sex isn't involved. That's why so many women have accepted that men just want sex, because without sex, men wouldn't need or want the woman. Lots of single men choose to be that way (until a certain age anyway) and the only time they want to be around a woman is for sexual purposes. Take sex away, and they have a perfect life going out and hanging with their buddies, living the "bachelor" lifestyle.
Sivok Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Eh this always bothered me. Women want sex just as bad. Infact, due to the double standard and having to somewhat suppress their desire for sex socially, women may even desire sex more than men - they just don't want to feel like sluts about it. Granted, this is a broad generalization, but interms of personal experience - when a woman either starts having sex with me or feels comfortable talking about it, their minds are MUCH dirtier than mine could ever hope to be!
udolipixie Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 In my free time, I peruse many dating & relationships message boards and inevitably, I can't help but run across at least a handful of discussion threads where some woman is whining about being 'used' for sex. Men ... please don't allow yourselves to become intimidated by these highly subjective and disparaging criticisms and invalid fault-finding. A former mentor of mine once said, "You're not being 'used' if I tell you ahead of time that I'm motivated to interact with you for one primary purpose or favor. I'm only 'using' you if I give you the impression that I want to interact with you for a wide variety of mutually beneficial reasons, when in actuality, I only have one very self-serving interest in mind." I agree with his definition. You may have contradicted yourself. Most likely the women creating those threads agreed with this definition and didn't get the telling ahead of time. See, these spiritual women ... most of whom were staunchly against the idea of premarital sex and promiscuous casual sex ... get it. Many women get it however that doesn't man that men get it n the same way of being upfront about their intention hence most likely the creation of those threads.
RedRobin Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Because men don't know what they want either?? Even that woman you thought you were gonna just have fun with for 2-3 weeks... you might end up having feelings for her, then she tells you to f-off because all she really wanted was sex. So, be careful what you wish for. Of course, because there is still a double standard, YOU don't feel used. The question is, what are you possibly offering of value here... at all? For the woman who just wants sex, she doesn't really need you to be the 'man' and pursue her... and come up and tell her you just want sex. If she is reasonably attractive, she can approach any number of men for THAT. Still, I do appreciate the honesty. The intention is better than deception.
Author joystickd Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 this is part of an article by Alan Roger Currie.
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