We broke up again :(

[emby]

I was with my boyfriend for 4 brilliant months, but he left me around 3 weeks ago. Essentially, I had been too jealous, and posessive of him and we were spending too much time together but he wanted more freedom. I didn't realise this until he broke up with me and we spoke honestly to each other. I would want to spend all of my time with him near enough, he would never say no to me and gradually resentment built up- even though I would have been more than happy to see him MUCH less.

From the day after the break up, he said he wasn't sure what he wanted and needed some time and after several talks, we got back together as a sort of trial to see if things would be different now that we both realised what the problems were i.e. his lack of freedom and his lack of communication. He said that a lot of the feelings he had for me had gone but he wanted them to come back.

 

So we had a good week together. None of our old problems surfaced and it felt like we'd never broken up. All the in-jokes, coupley stuff, everything...it came back. He told me he was happy and wanted to stay together and on Monday, he put it back on facebook for all to see (he doesn't like being an openly on and off couple so he wanted to be sure before he put it back).

 

Then essentially I stayed at his on Tuesday night which was unplanned, he was kind of annoyed I hadn't okay-ed it with him first (was meant to be for a few hours) but I felt a bit ill and didn't want to get a late bus home. At first it was great but then he got quite distant and seemed fed up and bored. Wouldn't hug or kiss me. We didn't do anything apart from watch DVDs. He wouldn't have sex with me or cuddle in bed.

 

I knew something was up so I pestered him last night, and this morning for about an hour to tell me what was wrong. He said 'nothing' and 'we're fine' a million times over, but I was relentless. Then suddenly he said he doesn't want to try anymore. His feelings for me haven't come back. He really wanted it to work out but it's not working.

I don't know why but I just listened to what he said and then left. I assumed there was no point trying. But it took a hell of a lot of effort to get that out of him so I should have questioned if it's really what he wants.

 

I don't get it!! We were back together for a week! Of course his old feelings haven't come back yet. Everything was working though as a relationship- the relationship was in fact better than ever. He was even fine with me for the first part of Tuesday night. He's been texting me since explaining things a bit but his last text said he's taking 'time out' so I shouldn't expect any more replies tonight

 

I don't know what to do. He's my best friend and I love him so much. I understand why he lost feelings for me and started to resent me but I'm not the girl I was a few months ago when all that was happening and I just want to be the girl he fell for and asked out. He was so willing for us to try again but he didn't give it a chance...a week is nothing. Can you not ever have feelings for someone you had feelings for before?? On paper, we are a great couple and everything is just right, and obviously all the emotions are there for me too. And they were them for him once as well.

 

Also...if anyone is avaliable for online chat tonight that would be great because I have to stay up all night writing an essay and I'm feeling incredibly lonely...PM me.

[gotye]

give him space to let him figure out what's what and improve your own feelings of being clingy

 

I feel like my recent break up was EXTREMELY similar.

[emby]

give him space to let him figure out what's what and improve your own feelings of being clingy

 

I feel like my recent break up was EXTREMELY similar.

 

Did you get back together or will you?

 

I should add that the week and a half we were apart, he was very busy and socially active (we're both at uni). I don't think he had much time to dwell on the breakup. This time though...we have a 5 week Easter break and I know he will just be at home and not seeing friends (they live too far away, we just spent breaks together). So he will have plenty of time to think.

[gotye]

Did you get back together or will you?

 

I should add that the week and a half we were apart, he was very busy and socially active (we're both at uni). I don't think he had much time to dwell on the breakup. This time though...we have a 5 week Easter break and I know he will just be at home and not seeing friends (they live too far away, we just spent breaks together). So he will have plenty of time to think.

 

we just broke up this week. we might get together and I somewhat hope but at the same time I realize I can't wait around for him

 

most everyone here told me to just completely move on and don't hope. I still am somewhat going to hope but I am going to mostly try to make myself a new person on my own. Be happy by myself, start dating other people (not seriously)

because I believe you can't be in a relationship, whether it's reunited with an old one or a brand new one, until you are happy being single

[emby]

we just broke up this week. we might get together and I somewhat hope but at the same time I realize I can't wait around for him

 

most everyone here told me to just completely move on and don't hope. I still am somewhat going to hope but I am going to mostly try to make myself a new person on my own. Be happy by myself, start dating other people (not seriously)

because I believe you can't be in a relationship, whether it's reunited with an old one or a brand new one, until you are happy being single

 

I believe that too, but I have NEVER been happy single (except when I was like 0-11). I wonder if I'm a person that can even be happy single. I don't think there's a lot I can do now apart from try to carry on living my life. I still want him to come back though.

[Linda Lee]

For the moment, chill out. Let him incorporate some space and comprehend on his own what amount his life is ugly now that your man doesn’t have you in his personal life. Quite often when persons are in romances, they overlook every part and anything beneficial about their sweetheart. It’s only whenever the two are broken up do they discover how incredible their companion appeared to be to these individuals.

[emby]

So...I went to see him yesterday as I was going home for the holidays afterwards. I went to give him some DVDs back and see if it was really over.

I think it is

He said that the feelings he had for me hadn't come back when we were trying again...not that I thought they would come back after a week...but he didn't want to wait around for weeks or months being in a relationship for the sake of it waiting for feelings to come back. He doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now. He says he doesn't think we can ever be together or he'll feel that way about me again.

 

I am absolutely devastated and heartbroken. He was my life for over 4 months. Surely if we'd stayed together the second time we could have made things right? The old problems had been addressed, he admitted that. I was the girl he fell for in the first place. Yet he didn't get the old feelings back. I still love him more than ever

[smudge21]

You can't force someone to have feelings for you. They come naturally or not at all. Now if he's fallen out of love for you then the worse thing you can do is keep chasing him, as it will drown him in attention. From the start you say that you broke up due to him wanting more freedom, so he sounds like he's more independent than you are, so there you have some ground to work at - you're very different in that respect. He's okay being alone, whereas you believe you can't survive without someone (you can by the way, you're just scared that you can't).

 

My advice (but take it as free advice, not 100% accurate) is to back off. Give him time to be apart from you. Give him time to miss you. At the moment, he knows you're always there, always ready to be there if he should call. He needs to know what it's like to not have you there, to really miss you. He needs to feel the same way you do right now, and that won't happen unless you are gone from his life.

 

I know that sounds hard and there is a risk here - if he has simply fallen out of love then sometimes you can't get that love back and it may be forever. You have to accept that. That's what might happen, he might never get back in touch and you'll know where you stand. But being there, chasing him, always answering his texts/calls, that will never move this forward and you'll be stuck in limbo.

[emby]

You can't force someone to have feelings for you. They come naturally or not at all. Now if he's fallen out of love for you then the worse thing you can do is keep chasing him, as it will drown him in attention. From the start you say that you broke up due to him wanting more freedom, so he sounds like he's more independent than you are, so there you have some ground to work at - you're very different in that respect. He's okay being alone, whereas you believe you can't survive without someone (you can by the way, you're just scared that you can't).

 

My advice (but take it as free advice, not 100% accurate) is to back off. Give him time to be apart from you. Give him time to miss you. At the moment, he knows you're always there, always ready to be there if he should call. He needs to know what it's like to not have you there, to really miss you. He needs to feel the same way you do right now, and that won't happen unless you are gone from his life.

 

I know that sounds hard and there is a risk here - if he has simply fallen out of love then sometimes you can't get that love back and it may be forever. You have to accept that. That's what might happen, he might never get back in touch and you'll know where you stand. But being there, chasing him, always answering his texts/calls, that will never move this forward and you'll be stuck in limbo.

 

Thanks for the response.

To be honest, he was never in love with me (or at least would never admit to to it). He did have feelings for me though, and I felt very loved. He had one proper relationship before me and it took him around half a year to get over that. He said he only ever loved once and that was her. I think he was always very guarded with me. Very true about him being more independent and happy single.

 

I can't stop thinking about him. Every little detail about him. I love him so much. We texted last night, just little things about what he's up to, we were texting with kisses on the end. Then today I woke up feeling dreadful and (as usual) craving answers. So I texted to ask if he wanted it to work the second time and if the main reason we broke up is because he doesn't want a relationship right now. After a lot of goading he said yes, but said he's answered these questions before and thinks I'll ask them again. No kisses. All I can think is that he's going out on these last few days at uni , maybe getting with other girls and having a great time, whilst I'm sitting here crying my heart out and I can't seem to do much else (although I am doing some uni work). He says he has respect for me so he won't get with anyone for a while but still I keep imagining girls all around him and it's killing me.

 

We always said we'd be friends and yesterday he said he doesn't see why we can't be close eventually but now I'm scared that he absolutely hates me and he's so angry at me for asking him questions all the time

Obviously I'm done asking questions now...and I know there is NO chance for a relationship with him at the moment...but truly, I want to be an important part of each other's lives. We're meeting up in a few weeks when things have settled. Do you think if I saw him a few times throughout the holiday and we had a good time together, but I didn't talk about being in a relationship, he might feel something again?? Not just completely see me as a friend?

 

Edit: By the way, the losing feelings thing isn't about anything physical/not finding me attractive anymore.

Edited March 16, 2012 by emby

[BewitchedandBothered]

what did he do to make you jealous? usually they like to play that game. It's only been 4 months and if he wasn't feeling anything, he's probably not going to. I wish you hadn't used the DVDs as an excuse to go see him. You said you also take the bus--he obviously does not care about that.

[emby]

what did he do to make you jealous? usually they like to play that game. It's only been 4 months and if he wasn't feeling anything, he's probably not going to. I wish you hadn't used the DVDs as an excuse to go see him. You said you also take the bus--he obviously does not care about that.

 

Oh, he didn't do anything to make me jealous. My own insecure problems. He had lots of female friends but always has done, I just found it hard to cope with, like an idiot. Even now, nothing has happened between him and anyone else (I believe he is a very honest person).

I kind of felt I had to give the DVDs back as they're his fathers, not his. Anyway I wanted to see him because I knew it would be a long time before I could again.

Not sure what you mean about the bus. He lives on campus and I live off-campus so most days I'd be getting the bus to campus regardless. Other days, he'd often come and see me.

 

He's told me he did have feelings for me and I truly believe that. It was the last few weeks that he started to lose them. I think it takes him a long time to fall in love and if we had been together longer, and he'd been open to falling in love, it would have happened.

[smudge21]

You're allowing your heart to control all your thoughts, even putting ideas in your head like "if I'd done this, he'd have done that" etc. You need to stop that. Just think about the facts, nothing more. The rest will screw you up, trust me on that.

 

I know you think you want to have a friendship with him, but be honest, you don't want that do you? You don't sit alone crying over a friend. You, like most of us, do not want a friendship cos you still love him. Don't try to convince yourself you can have that as it won't work. It will only end up hurting much more than you are now.

 

Just back off, give it time and see what happens. If he wants to be with you, then he will be with you, nothing you can do will change that. But you have to accept that sometimes things don't work out.

[emby]

I DO want a friendship with him.

First best thing= we get back together in a number of weeks or months.

Second best thing= we are good friends in a number of weeks or months.

 

I know I can't have a friendship (or a relationship) with him NOW. There's no way I could casually hang out with him without trying to hug and kiss and cuddle. We tried that after the break up before. Messy. I don't want to see him for at least 2-3 weeks. We do plan to meet up in the holidays though.

He said himself he wants us to be close (eventually). Today he told me the breakup was mostly about him not wanting a relationship right now.

 

So back to today. At first I was asking annoying questions by text. Eventually he replied and was clearly annoyed, full stops not kisses. But for some reason I texted him a couple of hours ago asking what he was up to tonight (lol I wanted to think he isn't going out pulling...) and he said he went to the cinema 'something to do ' and is back with the kisses at the end of texts. We've sent a few back and forth.

 

Obviously, it's very comforting to be talking to him in this way and I don't think it's pushing him away. However...is it more important for him to be missing having contact with me?

[Jono85]

I DO want a friendship with him.

First best thing= we get back together in a number of weeks or months.

Second best thing= we are good friends in a number of weeks or months.

 

I know I can't have a friendship (or a relationship) with him NOW. There's no way I could casually hang out with him without trying to hug and kiss and cuddle. We tried that after the break up before. Messy. I don't want to see him for at least 2-3 weeks. We do plan to meet up in the holidays though.

He said himself he wants us to be close (eventually). Today he told me the breakup was mostly about him not wanting a relationship right now.

 

So back to today. At first I was asking annoying questions by text. Eventually he replied and was clearly annoyed, full stops not kisses. But for some reason I texted him a couple of hours ago asking what he was up to tonight (lol I wanted to think he isn't going out pulling...) and he said he went to the cinema 'something to do ' and is back with the kisses at the end of texts. We've sent a few back and forth.

 

Obviously, it's very comforting to be talking to him in this way and I don't think it's pushing him away. However...is it more important for him to be missing having contact with me?

 

 

yes. god, yes. stop what you're doing. you've been extremely clingy and it hasn't been working with him. he's even told you to give him space. play hard to get, and just distance yourself from him. stop returning his texts within an hour or two. if he texts you tonight, wait till tmrw morning to reply. make him wonder what you're doing all night. get it? your game is weak lol. improve on it.

 

if he doesn't respond well to you not giving him much attention, it's probably b/c he truly doesn't have feelings for you. you're just someone there over his break.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I don't think I would want a friend who makes me cry. And I certainly wouldn't chase after someone for a friendship. That stuff happens naturally. You owe it to your beautiful self to keep your dignity. He deserves no more from you.

[sweetheart5381]

I DO want a friendship with him.

First best thing= we get back together in a number of weeks or months.

Second best thing= we are good friends in a number of weeks or months.

 

I know I can't have a friendship (or a relationship) with him NOW. There's no way I could casually hang out with him without trying to hug and kiss and cuddle. We tried that after the break up before. Messy. I don't want to see him for at least 2-3 weeks. We do plan to meet up in the holidays though.

He said himself he wants us to be close (eventually). Today he told me the breakup was mostly about him not wanting a relationship right now.

 

So back to today. At first I was asking annoying questions by text. Eventually he replied and was clearly annoyed, full stops not kisses. But for some reason I texted him a couple of hours ago asking what he was up to tonight (lol I wanted to think he isn't going out pulling...) and he said he went to the cinema 'something to do ' and is back with the kisses at the end of texts. We've sent a few back and forth.

 

Obviously, it's very comforting to be talking to him in this way and I don't think it's pushing him away. However...is it more important for him to be missing having contact with me?

 

If he is wishy-washy and/or says he doesnt want a relationship right now, I would take him at his word and do not contact him at all.

 

Everytime you text him, especially with the "kisses" it reinforces that he has you wrapped around his finger and he will never, ever have to admit to himself or you that he has real feelings for you (vulnerability to him).

 

Put it this way, all he has to do is reply with "breadcrumbs" and it will send your heart into "hope" mode, which will cause you to want to text/communicate more. He knows this instinctively, because he knows your behaviours. This will eventually cause him to not only fault you for not giving him space (however much he enjoys the attention) but he can also continue to enjoy your attention while not reciprocating emotions (security to him).

 

I honestly believe that some people never really feel their true feelings of love for someone until they are forced to deal with the unpleasant ones, like missing them.

 

Go NC and see what happens. It will allow you time to decide if you really want to pursue someone who is "emotionally unavailable" for whatever reason or if you deserve to have your feelings truly reciprocated and not relied upon to feed another's needs.

[emby]

If he is wishy-washy and/or says he doesnt want a relationship right now, I would take him at his word and do not contact him at all.

 

Everytime you text him, especially with the "kisses" it reinforces that he has you wrapped around his finger and he will never, ever have to admit to himself or you that he has real feelings for you (vulnerability to him).

 

Put it this way, all he has to do is reply with "breadcrumbs" and it will send your heart into "hope" mode, which will cause you to want to text/communicate more. He knows this instinctively, because he knows your behaviours. This will eventually cause him to not only fault you for not giving him space (however much he enjoys the attention) but he can also continue to enjoy your attention while not reciprocating emotions (security to him).

 

I honestly believe that some people never really feel their true feelings of love for someone until they are forced to deal with the unpleasant ones, like missing them.

 

Go NC and see what happens. It will allow you time to decide if you really want to pursue someone who is "emotionally unavailable" for whatever reason or if you deserve to have your feelings truly reciprocated and not relied upon to feed another's needs.

 

"Emotionally unavaliable"- that's a good way of describing him!!

He never fully opened up to me or allowed himself to fall for me. Even his friends told me that he's very guarded since the breakup with his first love.

 

Yes, it is comforting just to be communicating with him...it's almost like we never broke up when we're texting. He's not calling me baby or anything obviously but it's the same usual chitchat. I suppose it's also keeping my mind at rest that he's not with some other girl or out partying. But then...I'm keeping his mind at rest too, aren't I? Hmm...

 

Thank you for your reply!

[sweetheart5381]

"Emotionally unavaliable"- that's a good way of describing him!!

He never fully opened up to me or allowed himself to fall for me. Even his friends told me that he's very guarded since the breakup with his first love.

 

Yes, it is comforting just to be communicating with him...it's almost like we never broke up when we're texting. He's not calling me baby or anything obviously but it's the same usual chitchat. I suppose it's also keeping my mind at rest that he's not with some other girl or out partying. But then...I'm keeping his mind at rest too, aren't I? Hmm...

 

Thank you for your reply!

 

You're welcome

 

When someone is not open to the idea of being vulnerable (in love) then they just can't consciously allow themselves to feel it. It's self-preservation. It's funny, my ex has always said, "I cannot reciprocate your feelings", "I cannot say I love you" etc. He did not say he did not feel it, he said he "cannot" feel it (He is very, very careful with words).

 

Our minds protect our hearts... that's why we are here at LS Our hearts didnt get us here, our brain did!

 

NC is good for both of you. If you really love him, let him go and be free. It will free both of you to explore your real feelings and thoughts... NC is therapy imo.