6 Years In, BF won't commit

[rehtaeh]

I'm 25, boyfriend is 30. We've been dating for 6 years. It will be 7 years this November. We've lived together for about 3 years. He's working on his Master's degree, and he is unemployed, living off student loans. I have my Bachelor's (in art...bah) and I'm currently working retail to make ends meet while I do an internship and take some miscellaneous courses at the local community college. Lately I've been pondering the idea of marriage and EVENTUALLY starting a family. I DO NOT want to have kids tomorrow or even within the next year or two, but I do want to get married by the time I'm 27 or 28 at the latest. And I'd love to start a family by the time I'm 30, 31ish. I do want to have financial support and a house before I have kids. I don't think that's unreasonable. I told my boyfriend that I'm ready to get more serious with him in terms of marriage and he told me "Honestly, I cannot see myself with you when we're 80..." He noted he wants to get done with school and get into a solid career before he even thinks about marriage. He also noted his father cheated on his mother which led to their divorce and that has caused him an extreme fear of commitment. Basically he doesn't want to "mess anything up." He also noted "I think we're great boyfriend and girlfriend...but that's it" We are best friends, and we rarely fight,but I want to start looking towards settling down with someone and I think it's the last thing on his mind. HOWEVER in the back of my head I'm thinking "maybe he's afraid of commitment because he's just not that into me"

 

For the last couple weeks I've been pondering if I should end things with him so I don't waste any more of my time with a man who doesn't see himself with me in the future..but on the other hand maybe if I wait and I'm patient then he will come around and realize I'm the girl he wants to marry. I know of couples that date 10 years before they get married so they can get their lives together first. I guess I'm just feeling "old" and all my friends on Facebook are getting married and having kids...it's something I want too, but as of now I do not see it happening with my current boyfriend with the way he's been acting and responding to my questions about the issue.

 

TLDR: I'm 25. I want commitment. boyfriend and I have been together almost 7 years, says he can't see himself with me when he's older, doesn't want to get married anytime soon..what do?

[JesseJames]

Seven years? Sounds like there's commitment to me.

[Ruby Slippers]

"Honestly, I cannot see myself with you when we're 80..."

 

"I think we're great boyfriend and girlfriend...but that's it"

Sounds to me as though he's made it very clear how he feels about marrying you. I can't imagine he would change his mind after 7 years.

[ThatDudeXO]

Marriage is overrated. It's just a piece of paper nowadays. Just enjoy living with him, work to keep the relationship going great and don't think of the superficial things.

 

Don't be the type to crave marriages and kids, it's not a good look in my opinion. You'll just end up settling for those thing with someone you don't like that much.

 

I think you should maybe wait until you're about 30 and then seriously think about it if you're still with him.

[kaylan]

I'm 25, boyfriend is 30. We've been dating for 6 years. It will be 7 years this November. We've lived together for about 3 years. He's working on his Master's degree, and he is unemployed, living off student loans. I have my Bachelor's (in art...bah) and I'm currently working retail to make ends meet while I do an internship and take some miscellaneous courses at the local community college. Lately I've been pondering the idea of marriage and EVENTUALLY starting a family. I DO NOT want to have kids tomorrow or even within the next year or two, but I do want to get married by the time I'm 27 or 28 at the latest. And I'd love to start a family by the time I'm 30, 31ish. I do want to have financial support and a house before I have kids. I don't think that's unreasonable. I told my boyfriend that I'm ready to get more serious with him in terms of marriage and he told me "Honestly, I cannot see myself with you when we're 80..." He noted he wants to get done with school and get into a solid career before he even thinks about marriage. He also noted his father cheated on his mother which led to their divorce and that has caused him an extreme fear of commitment. Basically he doesn't want to "mess anything up." He also noted "I think we're great boyfriend and girlfriend...but that's it" We are best friends, and we rarely fight,but I want to start looking towards settling down with someone and I think it's the last thing on his mind. HOWEVER in the back of my head I'm thinking "maybe he's afraid of commitment because he's just not that into me"

 

For the last couple weeks I've been pondering if I should end things with him so I don't waste any more of my time with a man who doesn't see himself with me in the future..but on the other hand maybe if I wait and I'm patient then he will come around and realize I'm the girl he wants to marry. I know of couples that date 10 years before they get married so they can get their lives together first. I guess I'm just feeling "old" and all my friends on Facebook are getting married and having kids...it's something I want too, but as of now I do not see it happening with my current boyfriend with the way he's been acting and responding to my questions about the issue.

 

TLDR: I'm 25. I want commitment. boyfriend and I have been together almost 7 years, says he can't see himself with me when he's older, doesn't want to get married anytime soon..what do?

Look. Hes, 30, been dating you for 6 years and even told you "Honestly, I cannot see myself with you when we're 80..."...Honey...he doesnt want to marry you ever. Youre not the one.

 

Guys tend to know if theyd want to marry a girl within the first few years of dating...guys also are more sure of what they want in marriage as they close in on 30.

 

I can tell you for sure that you arent what he wants as a wife. Hes with you because its comfortable and familiar.

 

Why are you even still with someone who would tell you they dont see themselves with you in the future? Why are you asking us about a guy who tells you "I think we're great boyfriend and girlfriend...but that's it.." He spelled it out for you honestly and as plain as day. Why cling on to this? Do you not have options? Do you have that little respect for yourself and your wants and needs?

 

You are being naive and silly if you think him "changing his mind" will mean you guys will have a happy marriage. All it will mean is that he settled for you. Do you want someone whos only with you because they couldnt do better? Or do you want someone who couldnt imagine being with anyone else but you. Wise up OP.

 

Leave him and dont waste your youth.

 

P.S. - 25 is far from old. Its better to live life and figure everything out first before settling down. Too many people get married and start families young, way before they are ready and really know what they want in life. So trust me...youre fine and on a good path. Dump the guy and have some fun dating and finding the right guy.

Edited March 15, 2012 by kaylan

[kaylan]

This is obviously a situation where a woman has her own agenda. In fact, every woman has on their agenda to eventually get married and settle. The outcome of your situation though? Most likely a break up followed by a new partner several months later and already headed towards marriage/possible kids. Men only play two roles in a woman's life. 1.) Sex 2.) Provider

 

Sometimes a woman can't have the best of both worlds. She loses the cool guy and gets with the provider/husband material. In a lot of women's lives (not all) she doesn't like her husband the most. They man she usually likes the most is the one who refused to commit. Many guys don't understand that unfortunately. They all want to be the one she likes the most, her star, her knight in shining armor.

 

In the end, a woman's agenda always triumphs because it is human nature to be to yourself. "Yeah you're cool, we had an awesome time but I'm ready for something more. I'm sorry, goodbye." Happened to a lot of guys I know. However, there are also women that don't pressure men with their agenda which is very rare.

Lol @ this misguided pseudo science PUA nonsense.

 

If OP is smart, she will wait to find someone who is a good partner and father.

 

Not everyone settles, so spare us the generalizations.

 

But when people do settle, women AND men are doing it.

[Ninjainpajamas]

There's a difference between a relationship with a future and a relationship that has hit it's peak and isn't going to go any further and at some point It's going to come to an end, typically when he decides to cut you loose.

 

And that's what I see forthcoming when he doesn't have to depend on your for a living situation and he's actually making some money in a decent career, then he's going to explore his "options" and flex those independent arms. In the meanwhile you're just the girl that he loves to an extent romantically, cares about and thinks you're a good person and all that jazz but ultimately isn't interested in your for the long-term. You're like the work horse that's building the farm and plowing the fields, but once the everything is setup and going full swing into operation It's time to get a new horse and make a new life with a career.

 

So all of this time you think you're putting into your future with this guy is really just you being used to extent, however from his perspective you are just helping each other, because he's excluding your future life plans irrelevant to him, as well as your ultimate emotions for something greater. He's already made it clear that he's fine being bf and gf for the meantime, but that's all he's willing to commit to with you..period, end of story, done. That's your queue to wake up and smell the coffee, and realize this is it, don't expect more, in man talk.

 

Using poor examples of others relationships is always a horrible way to gauge your own relationship, because on one hand you probably think what you have between this guy is special and love, but then on the other hand you're comparing your relationship to average people you know nothing about the depths of their relationship?

 

The majority of women who have been with a man for an extended period of time have typically been cheated on and lied to, broken up, dumped....women like to call these "ups and downs" but this is more like men trying to break away but women clinging desperately onto him like you're both in water and she waiting for the man to just give up on the struggle and drown. IF that's what you're hoping for then by all means, do what you can to "make him see" the kind of person you are and how much you love him and all that...guilt trip him into what you've been through together and constantly remind him of the length of the relationship and that he said he loves you and you believe he does so why would he leave you?...go ahead and run in circles with a man, and maybe just maybe, If you stick around for the long haul, and six years later he decides that maybe he'll settle down with you because you've always been there for him...or you get knocked up, or something tragic happens in life that "bonds" him to you, at least making him feel too guilty to leave you.

 

Otherwise If you're like most women, you'll be dropped off one day out of this relationship and you'll have 7, 8, or 9 years to look back and reflect on and you'll ask yourself why you invested so much into that relationship, because in the end nothing came of it...It's just wasted. Then you'll be bitter for him wasting our life, years, yadda yadda yadda and be heart broken and jaded for a number of years while having a few rebound relationships and making a few regrets, trying to desperately cling onto that hope of finding "true love"...but in a hurry because now you're older and you have a life schedule, oh and you'll choose the wrong men for this of course...unavailable men so it won't likely happen, unless you get real lucky!

 

Sounds awesome doesn't it? quite a boost to the ole self-confidence and esteem eh?.

 

Look, you are the captain of your own ship, nobody owns you and you are not anchored...you can get up and go anytime you'd like, you control your destiny, what you want in life, what you're willing to settle for, how much faith you're willing to bet on true love. Let yourself get tossed around by the waves and sail right into the storm and you're sure to end up battered and in needs of repairs. Learn about the seas of romance and how to navigate them and when to sail away when those dark clouds start to form overhead and you'll save yourself from a lot of disastrous experiences in romance. You've just got to be strong enough, and willing enough to sail into the uncharted waters of life.

 

Ahhhhh, I'm so poetic sometimes!

 

 

But seriously, this is case #1085929874329843984323492840398497234, of being strung along by man who does not want serious commitment while girl "waits" (for gods know what only they know) for man to turn around. But man does not work in this way, when man wants something and loves something, man makes a bee line towards it and engages it aggressively, not sits on his hands, and that's something you need to realize about men, when they want something, that's when they are willing to put in the effort...and you cannot make him want that, you cannot love him until he loves you back in the same way, it really makes no sense from a mans point of view.

[Jane2011]

You should leave him, pronto.

 

I bet you're attractive and could find another man.

 

I was in a similar situation, and I stayed around for five and a half years. For a long time, I don't know why, I thought no other guy's going to want me. And granted, I'm single and talking to you right now on a relationship forum. That's circumstantial, though. It was crazy thinking on my part to think no other guy would want me. I've been broken up with my boyfriend for going on two years now, and a bunch of guys have wanted me (and one of them was equal to or even better than my ex-boyfriend on the following incredibly important counts -- intelligence, looks, niceness, relationship skills, life skills, sense of humor, independence, charisma, emotional strength, boyfriend behaviors, and sex skills). A couple others that have wanted me are good catches, too, but I just don't want them. Finding a person who you want and who treats you well takes time, but don't hold onto the guy you're with because of any silly thinking that nobody else will want you.

 

In any case, it's better to be alone than with some guy who doesn't appreciate you.

[Jane2011]

Also, you're young! You have so much ahead of you if you make the move now.

[kaylan]

You obviously haven't grasped the essence of anything written in that post. Yes, she WILL wait to find someone who is husband material. YES, not everyone settles. YES, both genders settle. Your point? First, The ignorance is overwhelming. Second, All of that is strictly common sense. If you think it's related to PUA, you are nuts. Third, this is my one and only reply to you.

The ignorance was in your original post dude. Many men fill both of your "sex and provider" roles for their women.

 

So as I said, spare me the generalizations.

 

P.S. - The little info you were sharing is usually thrown around by PUA guys/manosphere types and/or dudes who use faulty evo-psych to back up their misguided worldview.

Edited March 15, 2012 by kaylan

[norajane]

He's been very clear you aren't the one and he will not ever be marrying you.

 

Start making your way out of this living arrangement and end this relationship, because he will drop you the instant he meets someone he can fall in love with.

[FrustratedStandards]

Knowing this i'm surprised you've stuck around for as long as you did. If he doesn't want commitment after 6 years, what makes you think time will change his mind?

[irin]

leave and never look back id be insulted of someone was basically with me until they find someone and marry them. you wasted 7 years with him.

[FitChick]

I agree with the above but also, on a practical note, he has no guarantee of a job and will be tens of thousands of dollars in debt, which you might wind up paying at least part of. Certainly not enough income to start and support a family.

 

Instead of jumping into another serious relationship, after such a long time of not be single, enjoy single life and live on your own, spend money on yourself, travel to Europe to see art you've only read about.

[Leigh 87]

Maybe he does not beloeve much in marriage?

 

 

Not all men will meet a girl who they find to be so amazing to them, they they suddenly change their tune with marriage and say " I wanna marry this girl, even though I have never oreviously thought about marriage".

 

 

Most guys will think about marriage if the girl is amazing enough, but increasingly, mroe men just do not care for it.

[Leigh 87]

but yes, in the posters case, he just sounds lie she is good enough for him to be with, but not amazing enough ( TO HIM - she WILL be to some guys:)

 

 

She is not enough to compell him to have a longer term relationship with, but he enjoys being with her enough to stay, until he gets sick of it or until he finds the right girl.

 

She needs to end it now, and work on improving herself, and work on herself, and then a guy will come along that truly dos find her remarable enough to want to be with for the long haul.

[kaylan]

I agree with the above but also, on a practical note, he has no guarantee of a job and will be tens of thousands of dollars in debt, which you might wind up paying at least part of. Certainly not enough income to start and support a family.

 

Instead of jumping into another serious relationship, after such a long time of not be single, enjoy single life and live on your own, spend money on yourself, travel to Europe to see art you've only read about.

I wouldnt use that as reasoning not to be with him. Id only use him saying he doesnt want to marry her as reasoning.

 

Its quite possible he finishes school and has things working all right professionally.

 

Personally I dont think this should be made about finances when it clearly isnt at the moment.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Wow, he outright told you he doesn't see himself with you when he's old? Unless my self esteem was so in the gutter that I felt I had to hang on (in other words, don't do that) I'd be gone. What a terrible thing to hear from your boyfriend. Hell, I'd be gone if a boyfriend I had been with for even a month said that to me. It's just a crappy thing to say to someone you're supposed to be close to. But I'm the kind of person who dates for something lasting, not for someone to have "right now" like your boyfriend is doing with you...

[Untouchable_Fire]

I told my boyfriend that I'm ready to get more serious with him in terms of marriage and he told me "Honestly, I cannot see myself with you when we're 80..." He noted he wants to get done with school and get into a solid career before he even thinks about marriage.

TLDR: I'm 25. I want commitment. boyfriend and I have been together almost 7 years, says he can't see himself with me when he's older, doesn't want to get married anytime soon..what do?

 

What was the context of the not with you until 80 comment?

 

The part I bolded is completely contrasting. Most other posters seem to be oblivious to that... or they are assuming he meant marriage to another girl. Few people would be that rude or insulting. Clearly he wants to be with you right now... why say something like that which would pretty much end it.

 

I'm guessing that he meant that it's impossible for him to believe in love without divorce... That's understandable. You WONT be with any 1 man until your 80. It's pretty much a statistical fact. You have probably at least 2-3 marriages to look forward to in your lifetime.

[DontWorryBHappy]

What was the context of the not with you until 80 comment?

 

The part I bolded is completely contrasting. Most other posters seem to be oblivious to that... or they are assuming he meant marriage to another girl. Few people would be that rude or insulting. Clearly he wants to be with you right now... why say something like that which would pretty much end it.

 

I'm guessing that he meant that it's impossible for him to believe in love without divorce... That's understandable. You WONT be with any 1 man until your 80. It's pretty much a statistical fact. You have probably at least 2-3 marriages to look forward to in your lifetime.

 

If I really do have at least 2 to 3 marriages to look forward to then I quit. I'd rather be alone than go through that $hit.

[kaylan]

Wow, he outright told you he doesn't see himself with you when he's old? Unless my self esteem was so in the gutter that I felt I had to hang on (in other words, don't do that) I'd be gone. What a terrible thing to hear from your boyfriend. Hell, I'd be gone if a boyfriend I had been with for even a month said that to me. It's just a crappy thing to say to someone you're supposed to be close to. But I'm the kind of person who dates for something lasting, not for someone to have "right now" like your boyfriend is doing with you...

Agree. Ive never had girlfriends for the sake of having one and just killing time.

 

I dont get into a committed relationship unless I feel we have a lot of potential together. And if they ever comes a time where I feel we arent going anywhere, then Id break up with her. If she felt that way about me, Id want her to break up with me as well.

 

I dont see the point is wasting my or someone elses time.

If I really do have at least 2 to 3 marriages to look forward to then I quit. I'd rather be alone than go through that $hit.

3rd times a charm.

Edited March 15, 2012 by kaylan

[Sanman]

Bottom line here is that neither of you have the finances to start a family. Either he wants you both to be settled into serious careers before he sees a life with you or you are just not the one.

[DontWorryBHappy]

3rd times a charm.

 

3rd time... don't even wanna think about it, lol.

[Professor X]

OP flaked us.

[missyme04]

Knowing this i'm surprised you've stuck around for as long as you did. If he doesn't want commitment after 6 years, what makes you think time will change his mind?

 

WOW! I agree with this. It's been almost 7 years and still no commitment? I think that's sad Marriage is a piece of paper, yes! but we women want to walk in the aisle and say "I DO". I know it's cheesy but that's the truth! if a man is inlove with you, then he'll marry you.

 

hope this helps