Should I dump him?

[LBW]

I've been seeing a great guy for 5 months. We have seen each other almost everyday, or at least every other day for most of it. It started getting serious during the third month. We exchanged "love yous" and I met his family during the third month.

 

The thing is that I always feel as if I am putting in more effort. Because he can go longer without speaking to me, I am usually the one to initiate gchatting/texting/calling.

 

Recently, we tried seeing if we can sleep together and that failed because he we don't sleep well together at night. I also feel as if he feels that he is missing hanging out with guy friends. I never stop him from hanging out, and encourage him to hang out with his friends, but since we started dating he has been spending less time with his friends than he did when he was single. And I feel as if that sort of bothers him.

 

The thing is he is a funny, smart, nice guy who treats me pretty well. My main issue is that I feel as if I need to speak to a boyfriend whom I love everyday, and he isn't the same way. I do not want to smother him and I feel as if I might be.

 

Yesterday, I asked him if he felt the same and he responded that he still loves me the same. But, I'm just growing more discontented with the fact that I feel as if I put more effort into this relationship than he does. I think he realized that I was sort of upset last night and called me to say goodnight and told me he wished he could hold me, etc.

 

But really, at the root of it, I'm just sick of doing most of the work. I have not contacted him today and plan on ignoring him for the rest of the week, if and when he does initiate contact. (So, he just gchatted me and I responded, but I plan on not seeing him for the rest of the week.) I hate playing games and have never played games with him, but I'm tired of it.

 

Should I dump him and find a guy who feels the same way as I do about contact? I don't know if I can compromise and just hang out once a week or whatever-I am not that type of girl. Should I sack this guy even though every other aspect of this relationship is going well? The thing holding me back from sacking him is that I've been in bad relationships before and everything else in this relationship is surprisingly going well.

Edited March 14, 2012 by LBW

[JesseJames]

every ................ day. not everyday.

 

 

he should dump you!

[LBW]

I realize that sounds like quite a lot, but when I love someone, that's how often I want to interact with them. I've dated people I never fell in love with, and I didn't really care when or how often I spoke to them. I've had previous relationships where having some form of interaction everyday worked. (The relationships ended for other reasons.) I can't see myself feeling fully satisfied otherwise, so should I dump him and find a guy who feels the same?

Edited March 14, 2012 by LBW

[veggirl]

Find the middle ground. There's lots between seeing each other everyday and seeing each other once a week. How about 3x per week or something? Of course you see less of your friends when you are in a relationship, that's normal and unless he's never been in one before, he knows that. But maybe slow your roll a bit, why do you need to see him EVERY day?

[sid3]

Dump him? That's kind of a heartless way of putting it don't ya think. Sounds like he is overall a good catch, but seeing as you're looking for perfection, eh just dump him, no matter that you are "in love". Maybe he has a balanced life with other healthly interests and hobbies. One of the healthiest things for a relationship is for both people to have a life outside of spending time with their partner. Maybe you should find someone who wants to always be by your side. What is that saying, be careful what you wish for

[Maria7]

confront him about the way he is, then decide before you go any further into the relationship which makes it harder to let go. goodluck

[SJC2008]

It sounds like you're bigger on contact than communication. Why would you dump someone 5 months in without voicing a concern and then seeing what happens? If these "love yous" are real that should be the last thing on your mind to solve a contact frequency issue. Have a good talk hell it's amost half a year. Tell him what you like about him and ask him what he likes about you and tell him you'd like to see more initiation from him because that's how you feel wanted

[yeahyeahyeah]

I would definitely talk to him about it. If he's a reasonable guy, maybe you guys can reach a compromise. He might just be thinking that since you contact all the time, that that's how things are supposed to be. He may not know you want anything differently. And if you're in love and want to hang out everyday, that's fine but sometimes all a person can do is a phone call.

 

I will say that once a week isn't very much and it would bother me. If you can't hang out everyday, find a way to at least interact everyday. But really, I'd just talk to him about it and see if that helps. I think it's always a pretty good test (so to speak) of the relationship if when you raise an issue (no matter how significant or trivial or important or slight), the other person tries to meet you half way and wants to make you feel good. So see if he does that.

[LBW]

Thanks for all the replies so far.

 

Although he is 28 (I'm 27), he's never had a serious relationship before this one. So I'm not sure if he realizes just how much time a relationship takes. He's the type that spends a lot of time playing videogames, and most of his friends do as well. Another thing is that sometimes I feel that his videogames take priority over this relationship. I started playing some videogames as well to keep him company, and I enjoy them, but sometimes I wish we could do other activities.

 

I'm leaning towards dumping him quick and clean over communication and compromise because I do not want to coerce him into doing anything he does not want to do. If I have a talk with him, I think he will compromise. But would he really want to? He enjoys alone time more than I do, which I can understand, and I figure a compromise just forces him into spending time with me when he may not want to. So why bother? If I dump him, it seems easier and does not coerce him into doing anything he does not want to do.

 

Oh, also, I saw him briefly today when I had to get something from him. When I was with him, he asked for a hug. Then he told me he loved me, which at this point, I'm not even sure I believe. What I don't understand is how can he can be so complacent when he does not talk to me and yet be affectionate when I see him. I'm just really sick and tired of feeling like I'm the one doing all the work. Maybe I'll just start ignoring him permanently and maybe somewhere down the line he will finally realize what the hell happened on his own.

Edited March 15, 2012 by LBW

[LBW]

Also, another issue is that we have totally different sex drives. I have a pretty high sex drive and he has somewhat of a low one. We tried having sex everyday last week (1-2 times). Later in the week, he had trouble keeping an erection.

 

He's always had some ED since we started dating but 85% of the time it is not a problem. He tells me he gets nervous or he has to concentrate sometimes when he has sex to keep an erection. (He lost his virginity at 27, so it was pretty late in life.)

 

I tell him it's not an issue, but the longer the relationship proceeds, truthfully, the more annoyed I am. I think it's because I hate being the one who needs more sex than him. Should I refuse to have sex with him as much? Sometimes he gets hard and we start and then it goes soft. I can "turn myself" off from him, so to speak, by psychologically distancing myself and therefore not even desire having as much sex with him. Should I "turn myself off" from him so that so I come off as less needy, both sexually and psychologically? I really hate playing mind games, and I have never done that before with him, but maybe it's the only option in this scenario.

 

You know what I don't understand? Is that he says that he would marry be one day in the future and that he can see himself with me for a long time/tells me he loves me whenever I see him, yet he: chooses to play videogames/group gchat with his videogame friends for hours every single day, has trouble keeping an erection at various times, and can be totally fine when he hasn't heard from me in awhile, and rarely initiates contact. Should I dump him? Is it even worth it communicating with him to reach a compromise? Right now I'm so annoyed that I'm thinking of ways to give his stuff back to him and never speaking to him again.

Edited March 15, 2012 by LBW

[SJC2008]

When people are in a true relationship they will discuss each others needs. If you feel he is not meeting you needs tell him and if they are not outlandish (yours aren't) he will WANT to meet them. If after you tell him about your communicaitn initation reqs he doesn't change then dum him. It blows my mind how people don't discuss these things early on in the dating process but that's another topic for another day. Hindsight being 20/20 it's not looking good now that you bring up the sex issues so yall have some things to talk about. Gool luck:)

[LBW]

When people are in a true relationship they will discuss each others needs. If you feel he is not meeting you needs tell him and if they are not outlandish (yours aren't) he will WANT to meet them. If after you tell him about your communicaitn initation reqs he doesn't change then dum him. It blows my mind how people don't discuss these things early on in the dating process but that's another topic for another day. Hindsight being 20/20 it's not looking good now that you bring up the sex issues so yall have some things to talk about. Gool luck:)

 

 

Thanks for the advice. I just don't want to coerce him into doing anything he doesn't want to, but yeah, communicating may make more sense.

 

I'm probably not going to bring up the ED issue. I don't want to make him paranoid about the ED problem. Early on in the relationship, I made a small comment about feeling unattractive when he couldn't keep it up and it made him more nervous the next few times we had sex. So, I decided then to never mention it again. It still kind of bugs me though, because I am really sexually attracted to him.

[xpaperxcutx]

What's his day job?

 

Personally I would bail from a relationship where my sexual needs aren't being met.

[LBW]

What's his day job?

 

Personally I would bail from a relationship where my sexual needs aren't being met.

 

We are both PhD students.

 

Sex isn't the most important thing to me in a relationship, but when a bf has trouble keeping an erection it hurts a girl's ego.

Edited March 15, 2012 by LBW

[Ninjainpajamas]

I don't think he's playing games more than he just sounds like kind of a nerd, and likes to spend time doing what he loves to do, which is playing games.

 

Also he's used to living a more solitary and independent lifestyle that's really just based around him, not really accommodating for another persons emotions, I just think without a major relationship at 27 that means you've missed out on a lot of experience. So I just think he lacks a great deal of experience.

 

However It doesn't sound to me like he is into you either, either that or he's obsessed with spending time gaming and with his friends which I'm sure he finds extremely entertaining, is he into mmorpgs?

 

I think you fill a nice niche for him, but lets face it he's not exactly a ladies man and he's not really going to be in tune with your needs and wants, you'd really have to lay that all out on the table for him and then once he realizes what your needs are he'd either break it off or really make an attempt, however he just doesn't seem into you enough to do that.

 

I think he's a little preoccupied with his hobby and friends, not really even sure how you got this guy but it probably was you putting in a lot of work and being the aggressor from the get-go I'd imagine? If so you kinda reap what you sow, should have realized what this is guy is about..and I mean 5 mons is a while, you should have really started to put it together before hand, it just sounds like you tried to bend backwards to be with this guy and now that he's not bending towards you because you want to enforce your expectations on him he's inexperienced and caught off guard, and likely thinks things are just fine.

 

It's up to you if you want to communicate with him about this, but only 5 mons in and hitting this kind of a patch? I'd say it's best to move on for incompatibility sake, I doubt this guy even If he's trying is going to be able to make you happy...find someone who is more compatible and open your mouth about your expectations in the beginning so you don't waste time bending for a guy then asking him to change when he doesn't meet your needs, look at what it is first and be realistic, or you're kind of the one playing the games expecting people to change for you...albeit he does seem to lack the interest in you.

[LBW]

He asked me out after we had been hanging out together as friends. The odd part is earlier in the relationship, he put ALL of the effort in. After we were apart for Thanksgiving, he said he realized that he was in love with me and that he had never felt this way about anyone before. He even asked me to meet his family at 3 months, which is super early in a relationship. I think he's just grown more comfortable in the relationship as time has progressed. We also spent a ton of time together (he slept over three nights in a row) last week, so I don't know if that has anything to do with it.

 

I realize he is a bit of a nerd, and I have nerdy interests too (after all I'm also getting a PhD in a science), but he's definitely nerdier than me. He tells me he hasn't felt this way about anyone before, although he has dated some. Do you think he's not interested enough? Should I dump him?

Edited March 15, 2012 by LBW

[Ninjainpajamas]

Your only option at this point is to put it all out on the table how you feel and what you need in this relationship to be happy, don't pull any punches don't clean it up so you think it won't be too demanding, just be honest and upfront with what you expect in a relationship.

 

The fact that he said that doesn't compel me as a man, no, I'd have to say from a mans point of view words are pretty easy to say and yes he took you to meet his parents but due to his lack of experience he also could have been riding that horse into cloud nine. Love isn't something that just gives you that exhilarating feeling in the moment and because you miss someone, I think he's really liking the sex personally when It's happening and he's up for it.

 

He hasn't felt this way about anyone but he hasn't had anything really to compare it to either so I mean what table is taking these measurements on? I doubt he is accustomed to the fluctuation of emotions or the impulsive nature you can have to say and do things in the moment...I mean I sure wouldn't take his word for it If i were you.

 

Plus If you really felt that great of a connection don't you think you'd feel it a little stronger than what you do right now? Don't you think he'd want to be around you a lot more than he currently does? Look I can't tell you the ins and outs of your relationship with this limited amount of information but something definitely feels out of place here and not working.

 

I'd say dump him and move on, you don't seem compatible. Five months in, you guys should really be still in the romance of this relationship and spending a lot of time together, what do you think it's going to be like a year from now If It's like this now? Are you happy with that picture? satisfied? even with a little improvement?

[westrock]

I'm leaning towards dumping him quick and clean over communication and compromise because I do not want to coerce him into doing anything he does not want to do. If I have a talk with him, I think he will compromise. But would he really want to? He enjoys alone time more than I do, which I can understand, and I figure a compromise just forces him into spending time with me when he may not want to. So why bother? If I dump him, it seems easier and does not coerce him into doing anything he does not want to do.

 

I found the bolded part interesting. How do you know by him compromising he will feel "forced" and doing something that "he may not want to"? It almost sounds like you are projecting onto him your beliefs about what compromise means to you.

 

At the core of a successful relationship is communication and compromise. Sounds like he would be willing to do that but it sounds like you're not willing to compromise and prefer the easier route of just breaking up.

 

Is it possible that you are afraid that you wouldn't be able to (or don't want to) communicate and/or compromise? It would mean you would have to do things that you may not want to. In that case, it's easy to point out his issues and rationalize that breaking up seems like the easier route.

 

Not saying that is the case with you, just putting it out there for you to consider.

[LBW]

Here's an update. I didn't call him yesterday. (Due to a minor mishap, my phone has also stopped working permanently, which also helps.) He said he missed me and called me yesterday but my phone was turned off. He also said that he went around the department looking for me because he missed me but could not find me. I had left campus early yesterday.

 

Also, I ended up speaking to him online about this. He brought up a few points that I had forgotten or failed to mention when I said that I feel as if I have been putting more effort in than him. In January, I was sick at home all month, and he would call me almost everyday and come to my apartment to hang out in the evenings, usually bringing me dinner. I guess that's a fair enough point.

 

He also said that he felt that I was only super needy when he left for another state for a week. I was calling him quite a bit then. He said that he was angry moreso by how I called him and bitched to him rather than the frequency of calls. Basically, he said that he didn't need space and that I make him "ridiculously happy." Should I still give him space or just take what he says for face value?

Edited March 15, 2012 by LBW

[veggirl]

God you are needy and very co-dependent. Why again do you have to hang out with him every day? And sex 1-2x a day for a week straight and then you're upset he can't keep it up or whatever at the end of the week? Cmon girl. Give him a break.

 

Voicing your concerns or whatever about a relationship and reaching a compromise isn't coercing anyone into anything. But seriously do you have a life outside of your BF? Do you even love him? you seem like a breakup wouldn't really matter at all, things aren't 100% perfect so you wanna bail? That's not love. Do you just want A boyfriend or do you want YOUR boyfriend?

[Jane2011]

Ask for communication by phone or text at least every other day and to see each other twice a week.

 

If that's still little for you and too much for him, maybe you guys should break up.

 

If I like a guy, I want to have daily communication, too, but for me that means we have one contact per day; it doesn't have to be all day long texting or a long phone conversation. Just contact of some kind.

 

Also, I want to see him in person at least twice a week.

 

If I didn't have work, maybe I'd want more. In fact, I would. But I'm very committed to my work routine and working out routine; it doesn't make it easy to see a boyfriend every single day.

 

It's good to have space with a guy because it makes it more exciting when you do get together. The last guy I was seeing, every time I got together with him, he said something to the effect of, "I've been anticipating seeing you..."

 

It's good to build up the "missing" thing. Just a little. It's especially nice in the beginning.

[veggirl]

Ask for communication by phone or text at least every other day and to see each other twice a week.

 

If that's still little for you and too much for him, maybe you guys should break up.

 

If I like a guy, I want to have daily communication, too, but for me that means we have one contact per day; it doesn't have to be all day long texting or a long phone conversation. Just contact of some kind.

 

Also, I want to see him in person at least twice a week.

 

If I didn't have work, maybe I'd want more. In fact, I would. But I'm very committed to my work routine and working out routine; it doesn't make it easy to see a boyfriend every single day.

 

It's good to have space with a guy because it makes it more exciting when you do get together. The last guy I was seeing, every time I got together with him, he said something to the effect of, "I've been anticipating seeing you..."

 

It's good to build up the "missing" thing. Just a little. It's especially nice in the beginning.

 

I agree with all of this, totally. BF and I text throughout the day, each day, and we see each other 2 or 3 times per week. We both work and have other committments etc, it works. I miss him when we aren't together, but...it's a good kind of missing.

[Whisky1981]

Hmmm.....let me tell you something...

 

There are hardly guys with ED at the age of 27 especially those that were still virgins a year before.

 

Talk to him about sex. Maybe you dont suite his needs in that way. Never and remember NEVER tell him that you dont attract him. This will make things 10 times worse. He is attracted to you and you should know that.

 

You mentioned to him that he is not attracted to you because his thing dosent always stay up. So the damage is done. Be sure that he is still afraid during sex that he wont go trough it and you will be unhappy or even dump him for this.

 

Sit down and talk to him about this. Ask him what he wants from you, what to change. Dont expect him to be ready for sex 24/7. You know, not all guys are machines that only need the push of a button. Sex is 85% in the upper head especially when you are in love with someone.

 

So please sit down and save this if you can. All the reasons you pointed out in the first post are not reasons to dump a guy. Remember he is nice to you and treats you right. That counts for a lot of things, other things can be worked out trough talking with your partner.

[InJest]

I think you should dump him. There are enough reasons, and it seems like it's what you want to do. You're not as compatible as you thought you were in the beginning. It sucks, but it happens.

[LBW]

He came over today and we hung out at the mall then at my apartment. We also had a more honest discussion of our relationship.

 

It turns out that he could not sleep last night for a few hours because he kept thinking about our conversation last night. Last night, I had started the conversation by "ending" the relationship and subsequently the discussion evolved into what was wrong before reconciliation. My threat to end things made him angry that afterward he was debating whether or not to end the relationship because he dislikes the drama and me not having talked things through with him first. In the end he decided he does not want to, because he loves me, would miss me, and figured that I did not actually mean what I said.

 

Also, he told me that he would tell me if he wanted space. He said that there were 1 or 2 occasions in the past 5 months where he wanted some alone time and did not tell me because he thought it would upset me. In the future, he is going to be more honest.

 

And he said that we should get more hobbies to do together and recommended a few to do together. I do not have many hobbies outside of finishing my PhD program. So, now we're taking steps to develop some that we can do together. His main hobby now is playing videogames, so we might try more of that, along with attending more concerts, etc. and that's totally fine with me, as we are both not outdoorsy.

 

As for the sex thing, we had sex today and it was great. Not having sex for a couple of days makes the sex even hotter once you do it.

 

I have a good feeling about the relationship after talking with him today. In the future, I plan on being more honest with him as well. I've been in serious relationships before where the guy treated me poorly, and my bf has never been a douche to me. Believe it or not, this is probably the healthiest serious relationship I have been in, and I do love him, so we'll see how this goes.

Edited March 16, 2012 by LBW