jlc430s Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 About three months ago I began dating a woman. On our first date she told me she doesn't date and hasn't had a bf for almost two years because she wasn't looking for a relationship. I agreed to keep it casual, all the while wondering why she agreed to go out with me. Over the next few months, we began to date more frequently and started to develop feelings for one another. About two weeks ago she started to really tell me how much she likes me and misses me when I'm not around. A week ago she asked me if I remembered what she said about not wanting to be serious, I said I did, and she said she was open to a relationship with me. I didn't say much because I wanted to see if she meant that and if she was going to prove it through her actions. The next day I could feel her start to pull away, and two or three days later I asked why she was behaving differently towards me. She reacted poorly saying my prying was exactly why she didn't want a relationship and she didn't want to feel like she was obligated to do anything with me. I told her I wasn't pushing for a relationship, but needed to know it was a possibility in the future. She said yes, but things never went back to "normal". Yesterday she broke it completely off romantically and wants to just be friends. I asked her if she had feelings for me, and she said she did a week ago, but not now. I'm really hurt and confused by this complete turn in only a week. Is she just afraid of commitment?
norajane Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 More like a fear of intimacy. You got too close for her comfort, so she booted you. It's her problem. She knows she has this issue, and she isn't ready to deal with it. She'd rather push people away. You did nothing wrong (except to continue dating her after she told you she didn't want a relationship).
rootless Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 She's telling you the truth. Pay attention to her. I would bet my life that she's not just simply afraid of commitment- she's *incapable* of it. Fear that is that deep seated cannot be negotiated with, or circumvented, or compensated for. She will NEVER commit, until she's dealt with whatever underlying problem is causing that fear. I hate to say it, but my advice would to be to get as far away from this person as possible. She's caught between her need for love, and her compulsion to avoid it, and if you stick around, you're going to be torn apart like you've been thrown into a taffy puller. Again-- listen to what she's said, and note what her actions have been. She has to decide to face and overcome that fear on her own. If you try and "help" her, there's going be be A LOT of pain and misery in your future. I gaurantee it. Think about whether you want that, or not. 1
Pens55 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Rootless - I dont think we know enough about this situation to TOTALLY draw the conclusion I think you are implying...but Im going to agree with you. I see the push/pull too. This could be a can of worms you dont want to open, but it may just be cold feet. In my opinion, I would drop it...if she wants to be with you, she will let you know. But if/when this happens, pay very close attention to her ACTIONS and do not let your guard down. If it happens again, 2 strikes - run away!
rootless Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Rootless - I dont think we know enough about this situation to TOTALLY draw the conclusion I think you are implying...but Im going to agree with you. I see the push/pull too. This could be a can of worms you dont want to open, but it may just be cold feet. In my opinion, I would drop it...if she wants to be with you, she will let you know. But if/when this happens, pay very close attention to her ACTIONS and do not let your guard down. If it happens again, 2 strikes - run away! Good call. I just went through 2 strikes with a similar situation, so I'm admittedly hyper-sensitive about it, and am probably over protective as a result. I just don't wanna see this guy get hurt.
Author jlc430s Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 Thanks for all of the insight. Everyone seems to generally agree on why she behaved the way she did. I guess I'll just wait and see if she thinks things over and contacts me. I'm not sure what I'll do if she does.
Pens55 Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Agreed rootless, exactly the same as me. OP - If its as bad as my ex, you could be in for a long period of extreme pain...it may be a deep, deep hole if you choose to explore it.
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