OneWayTicket Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 (edited) Hello everyone, I'm 22, female, college student, here's the deal: I've cruised along the site before and never really posted anything - always wanted to - and here I am, about to vent on what being NICE gets me... If anything I consider myself a good person. I like being nice to people, I hate to be rude. But what's this? I must be doing something terribly wrong if guys mistake my friendly manner for something else. I'm used to it like I'm use to air, but what I'm not use to is the overbearing nature that some of these guys put on. OH MY GOD. I had to say it, it's true! I don't even know if I'm making any sense but let me just spit it out before I go into fits of swearing. At the moment there are four guys, who I strictly consider friends but who seriously push the envelope with my attempt to just.stay.friends. It's something that bothers the hell out of me. I probably shouldn't be writing this in frustration but it needs to come out. One guy, let's call him John, is a guy from my school. We share a class together and we usually meet up a couple minutes before class to read over each other's notes. We exchanged numbers with the intent to contact each other for homework, I made this clear to him and normally it stays like that, that's great. BUt recently, he's been texting me more often and asking me what I do on the weekends. I know where he's trying to go with this so I pulled out my poker face; I told him I make plans with my boyfriend. By boyfriend I mean my imagination and I know I shouldn't have lied but when I want something squashed that usually does the job. And it did, for a while. But now he's back at it. Even though I lied about having a bf, I don't like it when someone has no respect for a person who's in a relationship anyways, that ignorance is such a turn off. I might be pissed off but I think I can tell him to stop by being honest. But he's just one example. To sum it up, there's two at work that keep flirting and I do the stupid thing of just staying silent and smiling neutrally. That doesn't do crap and I'm always mentally screaming at myself for not being a little more strict with them. I don't want them thinking it's all right but I don't want them thinking I'm a total B. I've been told that I can be a real B when I tell someone no but what else can I do? I either say nothing or I say something and when I say something guys say 'that's not who you are' or 'you don't have to be so mean about it' HA! It's mean to you because it's directed at you but my point is not to be mean. Why don't they get it?? The fourth guy is the worst of them all. The fourth guy unfortunately catches me at every worst possible moment ever and today I let him know that I was busy and his attitude changed. Then what does he do... I knew he was lying when he said this (b/c he mentioned a week earlier that he was single - I didn't even ask, he just told me -_-) and it was more a show of his insecurities - he randomly told the class that he bought his (imaginary) girlfriend a Tiffany bracelet yesterday and elaborated a story of how excited she was. I felt bad because one of the students said, "Well, that was random." It really was, plus I knew he was lying. But wait, was I suppose to be impress that he got his 'gf' Tiffany's? Is that suppose to impress me. WHY?! OK enough. I think my mind has a radar of plucking out the 'bad ones' and when I notice them I should just steer very far and not be that nice girl that everyone's trying to figure out (I hate it when they say that, "I'm trying to figure you out" Why? Why do you want to figure me out?!). My choice of words may definitely sound angry and yes, it's a clear indication of how my mind is thinking right now. But there's obviously something that I'm doing and yet not doing that's causing them to linger. At least I know something has to be done rather than let it get me angry. I'm changing that as of today. I completely lost the meaning of all this but I think this is a rant, a HUGE one. Basically, I don't like guys (noticed have I haven't called them men?) to become overbearing, and usually I'll stop all communication once a semester ends. If they can't stop flirting and trying then I can't be friends with them, it's over. I don't think I'm done with this post but oh well. I feel very bi*chy right now. Edited March 14, 2012 by OneWayTicket I had to make something clearer in paragraph 3
somedude81 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Just tell the guys that you are not interested and do not want to date them. It's also a good idea to limit contact as much as you can with them.
Author OneWayTicket Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 However, with this particular group they don't show their cards flat out, you know? I pick up on it before they even have a clue that I've picked up on it. I'll take your advice but I'm already imagining what they'll say, "Oh, I don't like you like that, you must have the wrong idea" and they'll say that b/c it'll be less of a blow. Or maybe not, who knows. But the fact that this group is shy - if I can use that word - to flat out tell me they like me or ask me out on a real date rather than find ways around asking (-_-) is something that might work to their advantage if I tell them I'm not interested, you know what I mean?
TaraMaiden Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 depending how old they are, they might have raging hormones and just need a way to....vent.... Of course, if they're under 95, then, mentally, they're just 9-year-old boys.....
somedude81 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 However, with this particular group they don't show their cards flat out, you know? I know exactly what you are talking about because that is precisely how I pursue women. I pick up on it before they even have a clue that I've picked up on it. I'll take your advice but I'm already imagining what they'll say, "Oh, I don't like you like that, you must have the wrong idea" and they'll say that b/c it'll be less of a blow. Or maybe not, who knows. But the fact that this group is shy - if I can use that word - to flat out tell me they like me or ask me out on a real date rather than find ways around asking (-_-) is something that might work to their advantage if I tell them I'm not interested, you know what I mean? If you have perceived that they are into you before they have asked you out, then you need to nip it in the bud. Limit contact and try to avoid all non-school and work talk. Also don't meet one-on-one with for anything unless it was for work or school and even then be wary.
Author OneWayTicket Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 depending how old they are, they might have raging hormones and just need a way to....vent.... Of course, if they're under 95, then, mentally, they're just 9-year-old boys..... At their age some would consider them to be men. I beg to differ, they definitely need to age a little better, that's for sure.
Author OneWayTicket Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 I know exactly what you are talking about because that is precisely how I pursue women. If you have perceived that they are into you before they have asked you out, then you need to nip it in the bud. Limit contact and try to avoid all non-school and work talk. Also don't meet one-on-one with for anything unless it was for work or school and even then be wary. I completely agree. What I think sets off the 'B' alert are my expressions but then again, nobody can ever read my expression. I'm always being mistaken for being upset or sad when actually I'm concentrated and contemplating That's exactly what I'll be doing.
JesseJames Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 WTF are you thinking? You're supposed to be outright cynical at your age. To be any other way will be more than intriguing to any man around. Men already consider a girl a total bitch, by default, unless you prove them otherwise. You like to prove them otherwise. LOL Start acting like a professional something or other. What will you do out in the real world... accompany everyone you see?
Author OneWayTicket Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 WTF are you thinking? You're supposed to be outright cynical at your age. To be any other way will be more than intriguing to any man around. Men already consider a girl a total bitch, by default, unless you prove them otherwise. You like to prove them otherwise. LOL Start acting like a professional something or other. What will you do out in the real world... accompany everyone you see? Thank you for replying JesseJames. What I'm thinking is why some are thinking that we (or I for this matter) have to be cynical. I'm thinking we have to be real here, that's the solution right? Isn't that virtuous and oh so holy ? The solution is to say no when we don't want something and yes when we do isn't it? Isn't that the proper behavior expected of females? But how I exactly go by that is what ultimately constitutes me as a bitch, this is obvious. Hm, so it's my collective and 'seasoned' experience on how and why I deal with it (the opposite sex's attraction to me) that ends up defining me (my actions really) as being a bitch. Men already consider a girl a total bitch, by default, unless you prove them otherwise. You like to prove them otherwise. By proving them otherwise do you mean me being still friendly with them even after the fact that I don't want them hitting on me? Sorry, don't know what you're referring to here. Start acting like a professional something or other. What will you do out in the real world... accompany everyone you see? This sounds off. Am I suppose to be a professional cynic? Or are you telling me to be something else than cynical, since that's supposedly how I'm supposed to be in the first place. I need more clarity from you.
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Laugh it off and just make it clear and keep making it clear that you aren't interested in any of them. Refer to the guys you work with or hit on you as 'your brothers'. I wouldn't make a big deal of it or turn nasty or bitchy about it. Just enjoy the attention for what it is and leave it at that. If you react harshly it'll cause some drama and it's just not worth that hassel.
somedude81 Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Laugh it off and just make it clear and keep making it clear that you aren't interested in any of them. Refer to the guys you work with or hit on you as 'your brothers'. *Shudders* I hate it when a girl says I'm like a brother to her
JesseJames Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Thank you for replying JesseJames. What I'm thinking is why some are thinking that we (or I for this matter) have to be cynical. I'm thinking we have to be real here, that's the solution right? Isn't that virtuous and oh so holy ? The solution is to say no when we don't want something and yes when we do isn't it? Isn't that the proper behavior expected of females? But how I exactly go by that is what ultimately constitutes me as a bitch, this is obvious. Hm, so it's my collective and 'seasoned' experience on how and why I deal with it (the opposite sex's attraction to me) that ends up defining me (my actions really) as being a bitch. By proving them otherwise do you mean me being still friendly with them even after the fact that I don't want them hitting on me? Sorry, don't know what you're referring to here. This sounds off. Am I suppose to be a professional cynic? Or are you telling me to be something else than cynical, since that's supposedly how I'm supposed to be in the first place. I need more clarity from you. No you're following. If I were a young woman like you that wanted everything to be awesome, I would probably roll with with an objective, professional demeanor with a somewhat cynical undertone. This might get me the respect I'm looking for. Acting dynamic, or too indicative of myself, or accompanying, may prove to be tasking in the long run.
CC12 Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 I've been told that I can be a real B when I tell someone no Why is that, do you think? Is it because you actually did something bitchy or are they just bitter that you turned them down? Far too often, men (and women too) will make you feel bad or call you a bitch for turning someone down. ("Aww, that guy had the guts to ask you for your phone number. Couldn't you have just talked to him?" As if you're somehow obligated to interact with someone just because they hit on you.) It sucks that women are generally expected to be nice and that simple kindness is so easily misinterpreted as romantic interest. It sucks that you have to monitor your behavior around certain guys because you don't want them to get the wrong idea. So you know what? Screw it. Be nice if you want to be. If people misinterpret that, that is their problem, not yours. If you stop being nice to someone who is being overly friendly and making you uncomfortable and they choose to think you're a bitch, that is their problem, not yours. Don't worry so much about trying to control situations like these. You are not responsible for the feelings of others.
CC12 Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 My advice would be to go out and find yourself a boyfriend. Those 4 guys will get the message pretty quick. And be very careful of your body language as well. Study up on a woman's "disinterested" body language She shouldn't have to go through all that effort, though. It's not her responsibility to jump through hoops to show a guy she's not interested in him.
Author OneWayTicket Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 I know that everybody wants to be loved and everybody wants attention and its a beautiful feeling.. even if you don't want it.. one time with this girl i liked I was in a indoor netball court and she was on one side of the net and i was on the other and there was no way i was going to date her because i was so fk'd up in the head with issues but i was uncounciously swinging my myself back and forth on the net like a smitten little boy and i couldnt help myself and she must have thought i was a smitten little boy, putty in her hands, but there was no way she could get past my walls (same girl as previous post). I was giving off unconscious body signals of complete desire even though my conscious self was "avoidant. no way". Okay, when concerned with body language this is exactly what happens to me. Not all the time though.
Author OneWayTicket Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 My advice would be to go out and find yourself a boyfriend. Those 4 guys will get the message pretty quick. And be very careful of your body language as well. You might want to ask a female friend to give you honest advice about her evaluation of your body language when interacting with guys. Thanks for your comment! My friends (males and females) love to tease me about my body language. They say 'That's why he won't leave you alone, because you did that." So, yes, I see the reasoning behind why I should watch my body language.
Author OneWayTicket Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 Laugh it off and just make it clear and keep making it clear that you aren't interested in any of them. Refer to the guys you work with or hit on you as 'your brothers'. I wouldn't make a big deal of it or turn nasty or bitchy about it. Just enjoy the attention for what it is and leave it at that. If you react harshly it'll cause some drama and it's just not worth that hassel. Thanks for the post. I get what you're saying by calling them bros and all but I think that'll just make it this school relationship a little more personal. I want to avoid that. Sometimes it'll happen where I'd really enjoy that person's company, personality, overall sense-of-self and I'll initiate more contact so that a solid friendship may blossom. On the other hand, I have a clear sense of those who are more on an acquaintance basis, which would be these four guys. But now that emotions - on their behalf - are involved, that's even more incentive to cut ties once ties are no more needed.
Author OneWayTicket Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 No you're following. If I were a young woman like you that wanted everything to be awesome, I would probably roll with with an objective, professional demeanor with a somewhat cynical undertone. This might get me the respect I'm looking for. Acting dynamic, or too indicative of myself, or accompanying, may prove to be tasking in the long run. Thanks for your reply back. I think I'm dynamic by nature, but I don't exaggerate it to the extent of knowingly broadcasting it, I'm not trying to sound exotic or anything. My personality is random, it's not grounded in one area so that definitely accounts for the dynamism quality. I don't act it - it just is. But the business-type model you just gave me sounds more like the type of act I should put on when unwarranted attention rolls my way, I suppose it might work in the long run for those moments.
Author OneWayTicket Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 It sucks that women are generally expected to be nice and that simple kindness is so easily misinterpreted as romantic interest. It sucks that you have to monitor your behavior around certain guys because you don't want them to get the wrong idea. So you know what? Screw it. Be nice if you want to be. If people misinterpret that, that is their problem, not yours. If you stop being nice to someone who is being overly friendly and making you uncomfortable and they choose to think you're a bitch, that is their problem, not yours. Don't worry so much about trying to control situations like these. You are not responsible for the feelings of others. LOL. I know, it really does suck when you have to monitor because it seriously throws you off your track. It's like "Aw, AGAIN?! C'MON!" Life's little curveballs. But when it comes to monitoring it should only be that one instance where you make sh*t clear and then it's sayonara, b/c if they still don't get the picture then I think I see no problem why my annoyance shouldn't make an appearance.
Els Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Urgh, some guys really cannot take the hint. Most can, but there really are one or two incredibly persistent ones who will not be deterred by anything - boyfriends, avoidance, point blank refusals.. But you have not even tried the latter, have you? It's possible to do it without coming off as bitchy. Sit them down for a quiet talk, tell them you're really not interested in them. WWIU's 'brother' suggestion is good for that. If they don't listen.. I don't know what to do. My only experience with this sort of guy culminated in me getting so frustrated at his repeated ignoring of refusals that I exploded at him one day and told him I never wanted to see him again. Maybe others would have better advice for you.
Author OneWayTicket Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 Urgh, some guys really cannot take the hint. Most can, but there really are one or two incredibly persistent ones who will not be deterred by anything - boyfriends, avoidance, point blank refusals.. But you have not even tried the latter, have you? It's possible to do it without coming off as bitchy. Sit them down for a quiet talk, tell them you're really not interested in them. WWIU's 'brother' suggestion is good for that. I haven't because none of them have flat out asked for a date, but it's over. The next time any of them try anything I'm telling them I don't want to because I don't want them thinking I'm attracted to you like 'that'. I've done it a couple times where guys give it a go the first time around and I say 'No, I'm not interested but thanks' or 'Sorry, I have a boyfriend' but there were three times where I clearly stated 'No. I'm not interested' and I literally brought in authorities, two out of the three instances. Huh, I think I'm going to write a post about them!
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