zengirl Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 So, the MIL is coming to visit for the first time since I married hubby. I've met her once before, and she was apparently very excited to meet me, liked me very much, and so forth, but I certainly couldn't tell. I feel desperately uncomfortable around her because she's nothing like the Mom of any friend or BF I've ever had. All my exes have had either exuberant Moms, and she's very, very low key. She's Hindu and has traveled all around Asia (where I lived and traveled), particularly India and Japan, so we tried to talk about that, but even that was terribly awkward. We do have plenty in common -- we've both been teachers and work in education, we both meditate daily and do yoga, we have many of same interests and general likes. I guess the issue is likely that she's deeply introverted, and that makes me feel uncomfortable (I kind of feel like there are no introverted women in my mother's generation in the South---you fake it, if you don't have it). Anyway, there's no real "issue" or question for help with my MIL in particular, but I am curious to see how other women relate to their MILs (and men, FILs). I find our relationship so odd -- granted it's new -- because I thought it was usually a love or hate type thing. I'd just like to hear some other stories, particularly if the relationships changed over time or anything like that. Even with exes Moms, they always loved me. LOVED me! Except the one that hated me. HATED me! I'm way more comfortable even being hated than I am with my MIL, though I guess I should be glad she's such a nice woman who totally doesn't hate me.
setsenia Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 It's hard to say with my MIL. I think she's one of those types who puts their best foot forward to look like world's greatest mom, but a crappy one in reality. I met my H at 16 and the first time we met is when his mom and stepdad met up with him for car trouble. I was nervous to meet them and they got us some candy while we waited to have the car looked at. She seemed really nice at first, they both did and they gave me a ride home. When we became more than just friends, his mom arranged this dinner type thing in which she decided it was best to meet me and get to know me. That turned out to be more like a session in which she asked me what I saw in her son and why I wanted to go out with him. (He was 22 at the time, btw ). His stepdad actually told her he didn't think it was necessary to ask me those questions. You'd think she's playing the part of concerned mom interested in her son's life, right? Wrong. We've been together nearly 6 years now and she's proved to be a controlling b***h. Sometimes she even treated me better than her own son. After we started dating a few months, she'd complain and tell him our relationship is the reason he's falling behind on his chores and that he was spending his paychecks too fast (she'd open his mail and look at his bank statements). Rather than confront him, (she deals with her issues electronically, ) she wrote a long e-mail about how disappointed she was with him. Not too long after that, she kicked him out over their dog. Yes, he made a mistake and left for 30 minutes when he was supposed to be watching the dog who had surgery. But they called him up and blasted him, telling him he was mentally ill and put his stuff on the doorstep that night. It's been downhill since then, such a long story. There were a few times they stopped speaking. And then when he told her the news that we were getting married, she made 380 degree turnaround and starts the wedding planning. Which was nice, but I realized later how controlling she was about it and dictated who we invited, even though 90% of all costs came from our pockets. At the wedding, you would have thought my husband and her had the best mother/son relationship with the way she was all over us at that wedding. She would always make excuses about her lack of involvement in my husband's life, like she was young when she had him or her childhood problems and etc. We only see them a few times a year, even though they only live a few miles away. She has otherwise never made an effort to ask how my husband is doing, but she calls his friends her "adopted sons". I've tried endlessly to have a relationship with her and it wasn't working. Now I am at the point where it's not worth it. She literally disowned him over facebook comments a few months back and then e-mails him like nothing ever happened. She has a lot of issues. Sometimes I wonder if it was all worth it in the end. Having in-laws who don't like me, especially with my past childhood issues, is difficult. Thankfully, his biological father's family likes me and treats me well.
make me believe Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 My husband's parents (and the rest of his family) live out of state so I've only met them 3 times, and the last time was at our wedding. Still, my MIL is definitely one of the sweetest people I've ever met, and I get sad sometimes that we don't live nearby so we could have a closer relationship. But I do get very nervous around H's family because they are SO different than mine. His family is very conservative, fairly quiet, and formal. Mine is not! Even though I'm a quiet and shy person in general, the level of formality that his family has makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I have to be "on" in a way that H doesn't have to be with my family. He wants me to be as comfy with his family as he is with mine - and I want that too - but the distance and the differences haven't made it possible yet. Is your MIL staying with you guys when she visits? My in-laws always stay with us, and although having houseguests can get annoying after a few days, I think it's helped me feel more relaxed around them. It lends itself to a lot more opportunities for casual conversation and casual interactions than just getting together for shopping & dinner or touristy things does. Your MIL definitely sounds very introverted. I can be the same way -- even when I have something in common with somebody (like the similarities you described between you & her), I can still feel very shy about opening up in the beginning. But since she's already expressed positive feelings about you, I'd bet that it will just take her some time to feel comfortable and start opening up more around you. I would DEFINITELY prefer your situation to being hated by my in-laws, though. I've heard so many horror stories about in-laws that I'm incredibly happy to have the ones that I have! My H's parents have an amazing 40+ year marriage and the first time that I met them I was in AWE that a couple could still be SO obviously in love after so long. They are really great people and I wish that we were much closer in distance.
Afishwithabike Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 (edited) My MIL is very, very extroverted. She's extremely outgoing, chatty, positive and charming. She can talk to anyone about anything. She could be one of those salespeople you see on those homeshopping channels. I don't think she has a shy bone in her body. While I'm no shy wallflower, I'm sure she finds me reserved or low key compared to her. But I have fun with MIL when she visits (she lives several states away) because I focus on things we have in common - her son, her grandchildren, local activities and local restaurants she likes to visit. With my MIL, it's hard to tell if she had a bad time when visiting us because she's Mrs. Sunshine and Positive Energy. She can spin even the worst outing to sound like it was the greatest thing she experienced. She's not southern but she sure could be! I've loved her ever since, at a family party, she told the 20 some people there in a toast that I was the best thing that ever happened to her son. I don't let him forget her comment either. My FIL is also very extroverted and doesn't know the meaning of "too much information". He's also someone who loves to joke around. He just needs an audience for whatever he has to say. He's pretty entertaining, but you know half his stories are pure fiction like the time he told me he regularly leaves $500 tips for the waitresses at the Las Vegas casinos. I have a good relationship with him too. I accept them for who they are and don't try to change them. What's interesting is my husband is more low key than both of them. A possible reaction to his upbringing with them? I couldn't tell from your post if your MIL is from another country or not. Is she from another culture? With low-key, introverted people I think the key is to let them have the time to do what they want. Don't schedule too many things even if you think they'll like those things. Let them have privacy and down-time. Sounds like you probably do that anyway if you're into yoga and meditation. Don't feel like you have to always make small talk with her if you're driving somewhere together or in the same room together. Perhaps she's fine with the silence. My MIL and FIL have to fill the silence with talk or jokes, but more introverted people like me don't feel the need to be "on" all the time. Edited March 15, 2012 by Afishwithabike
Author zengirl Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 My MIL is very, very extroverted. She's extremely outgoing, chatty, positive and charming. She can talk to anyone about anything. She could be one of those salespeople you see on those homeshopping channels. I don't think she has a shy bone in her body. While I'm no shy wallflower, I'm sure she finds me reserved or low key compared to her. But I have fun with MIL when she visits (she lives several states away) because I focus on things we have in common - her son, her grandchildren, local activities and local restaurants she likes to visit. With my MIL, it's hard to tell if she had a bad time when visiting us because she's Mrs. Sunshine and Positive Energy. She can spin even the worst outing to sound like it was the greatest thing she experienced. She's not southern but she sure could be! I've loved her ever since, at a family party, she told the 20 some people there in a toast that I was the best thing that ever happened to her son. I don't let him forget her comment either. This is more what I'm used to and (I guess) more how my mother is. I couldn't tell from your post if your MIL is from another country or not. Is she from another culture? No, she's just from Cali. She's a white woman, too (I'm white/Japanese). I guess I should clarify that because she's Hindu, but she's a convert later in life, after her divorce. She's very serious about it, though. Don't feel like you have to always make small talk with her if you're driving somewhere together or in the same room together. Perhaps she's fine with the silence. My MIL and FIL have to fill the silence with talk or jokes, but more introverted people like me don't feel the need to be "on" all the time. This is probably more the issue. I don't schedule things all the time, but silence does feel really uncomfortable for me with new people. I can be silent with hubby sometimes, obviously, because we live together and that would get unbearable eventually. But silence with someone you just met and were looking forward to meeting? That makes no sense to me. I guess that's why I didn't believe she actually liked me. Interesting insight.
Author zengirl Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 I would DEFINITELY prefer your situation to being hated by my in-laws, though. I've heard so many horror stories about in-laws that I'm incredibly happy to have the ones that I have! That's probably true. I guess I just deal better with stronger, more clear emotions.
denise_xo Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 My MIL is lovely and I find it easy to chat with her. A favourite topic, though, which I think 'works' with a lot of mother in laws, is to ask them to tell about the hubby when he was little. My MIL really lights up when she can tell me those stories.
mitchell Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 A favourite topic, though, which I think 'works' with a lot of mother in laws, is to ask them to tell about the hubby when he was little. My MIL really lights up when she can tell me those stories. This is pure genius!! I'm sure she will rise to this topic and regale you with numerous stories from your husband's youth. Instant bonding. You may even get some good stories you could use on your husband in the future.
Author zengirl Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 My MIL is lovely and I find it easy to chat with her. A favourite topic, though, which I think 'works' with a lot of mother in laws, is to ask them to tell about the hubby when he was little. My MIL really lights up when she can tell me those stories. I will try that. It seems awkward when hubby is around -- maybe if we are alone. I guess I should mention that every time I've spent time with her previously, my hubby (then BF) was always around. She and my hubby rarely talk too (though they talk and text on the phone fairly regularly) when together it seems, or at least when I'm around. Which is weird because hubby typically talks A LOT.
TaraMaiden Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 Maybe Hindu women of her generation were brought up in a particular way... it's hard to tell. but if she's the quiet, shy retiring type, you need to let her be - who she is. I hesitate to talk about religion and stuff - that's not what you're asking - but consider what you're projecting, and remember that what matters is your mind, your view and your intention... it means it all comes from us, and as such, we must appraise our perception and adjust accordingly.... sorry - hope i'm not stepping on toes. _/l\_
TaraMaiden Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 they're like cockroaches, huh? the minute you've got one, three more crawl out from under the sideboard....
Bittersweetie Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Aaaah, mother in laws. We used to have a running joke in the family, that if the DILs were ranked, even though I'd been around the longest I would be third by a mile. That if there were pets in the mix, even they'd be above me. That was how obvious it was to everyone that my MIL wasn't a fan of mine. She never did or said anything outright...it was very passive-aggressive: leaving me off family emails, buying all of the women in the family gifts except me, my one birthday card in twenty years, things like that. Even though we laughed about it, over time it really began to hurt my feelings. I think, being the mother of three sons, she always wanted a daughter to follow in her footsteps. Unfortunately I was not the ambitious, career oriented person she was. Plus my brothers in law asked me to help them with a lot of their dad's stuff after he passed. I think these things added up to her: not only was I a "disappointment," I also was "threatening." Finally I realized that this was her problem, not mine, but my reaction was making it my problem. So I just decided to be myself and nice and things calmed down. It still is hurtful sometimes though. For years (YEARS!) she bugged me about furthering my education. She's the president of a college so education is really important to her. So a few years ago I got my masters. Yet the whole time she never once asked me about my coursework or studies. No congrats when I was done. Not that her approval was necessary for me, but it hurt to not be recognized. Her husband would always ask me, but she never did. Like I said, things have calmed down, I'm now on the family emails, which is a step up (though on the last one she spelled my name wrong). It is what it is; she's someone with many good qualities and I look to concentrate on those when I see her rather than the other stuff, most of the time it's not worth getting worked up over.
setsenia Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I have a similar situation. My MIL never seems to put in laws on family e-mails. Very strange, because whenever something is going on with her, she forwards our e-mails to her husband. (step-father-in-law). She's very unpredictable. Like this past christmas after she "disowned us" over facebook, she sent me husband a card and gift card, I got nothing. She probably felt obligated to send her son something, just like she feels obligated to keep him in family e-mails. I've just learned not to expect anything from her and my husband has also. Sometimes she aknowledges my on my birthday and christmas and sometimes she doesn't.
Author zengirl Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Maybe Hindu women of her generation were brought up in a particular way... it's hard to tell. but if she's the quiet, shy retiring type, you need to let her be - who she is. I hesitate to talk about religion and stuff - that's not what you're asking - but consider what you're projecting, and remember that what matters is your mind, your view and your intention... it means it all comes from us, and as such, we must appraise our perception and adjust accordingly.... sorry - hope i'm not stepping on toes. _/l\_ She's a convert to Hinduism, though, and not an Asian woman. It's funny what you say though---maybe if she were an Indian/Asian, Hindu woman who'd been raised that way I'd see it differently. Perhaps that's odd of me. At any rate, she was brought up an agnostic/Christian-ish American gal and only became Hindu in her 40s. FWIW. Like I said, things have calmed down, I'm now on the family emails, which is a step up (though on the last one she spelled my name wrong). It is what it is; she's someone with many good qualities and I look to concentrate on those when I see her rather than the other stuff, most of the time it's not worth getting worked up over. Thank you for making me feel better about my MIL. No, she's not like that at all. She's a very nice woman---I just feel like we don't mesh, which makes me feel badly because almost everyone meshes with me. Perhaps it's my own ego being challenged. Which is kinda the point of my whole life, so . . . Wow, now I feel silly. Anyway, thank you for your story. I have a similar situation. My MIL never seems to put in laws on family e-mails. Very strange, because whenever something is going on with her, she forwards our e-mails to her husband. (step-father-in-law). She's very unpredictable. Like this past christmas after she "disowned us" over facebook, she sent me husband a card and gift card, I got nothing. She probably felt obligated to send her son something, just like she feels obligated to keep him in family e-mails. I've just learned not to expect anything from her and my husband has also. Sometimes she aknowledges my on my birthday and christmas and sometimes she doesn't. Weird. My MIL has only one son/child (my hubby) and is very communicative. There are no family emails -- they ARE the family. My hubby has half-brothers but through his Dad's family (his Dad is a Cali guy and his Stepmom is a Souther woman, and they live in the SE near us and LOVE the heck out of me and are attentive and exuberant and easy to be around, as are his brothers). Anyway, my MIL issues aren't like this, but, again, TY, this was very helpful. And I'm sorry some of you have endured this level of Passive-Aggression. That would bother me a lot. I like people who are overt in their love or hatred of me.
Afishwithabike Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 My MIL doesn't email but she writes letters sometimes. At Christmas time she sends the infamous Christmas newsletter with a recap of all the wonderful things that happened in the year. It's a bit over the top but highly entertaining.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 20, 2012 Posted March 20, 2012 I love my MIL, she is so sweet. I have a better relationship with her then I do with my own mother, sadly. I am excited that my MIL will be able to help me out with my son when he is born in a few weeks. She loves babies and will be a huge help to me.
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