Say Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I'm pretty confused here guys. My girlfriend and I have a great relationship. We go out all the time, out to dinner, movies, carnivals and whatnot. We sit on Skype all night till she falls asleep. Every day she asks me to come by and see her and then sends me some text like, "I just love seeing you. :)" But, I have a problem. I can never get it up with her. About two weeks ago, she was very much in the mood, and I couldn't perform and she and I both were frustrated. I asked her if this was affecting us, and she said she loved me very much, she is happy, and this is just something we're going to get past. She did say however, she doesn't feel as horny around me anymore I guess because she knows nothing is going to happen. So, lately, despite all her affection and wanting to see me, she doesn't really like getting very intimate. We can't kiss for more than 15 seconds without her pulling away and doing something else. We spend a lot of time cuddling and stuff, I'd just wish it was more sexual. So, yesterday we tried again and I just couldn't get it up. Demoralized, I just moped around. She told me she was really happy and she loved me and we'll get past it, and that she really didn't care much about sex anymore. I knew that was a lie to make me feel better. She used to have a massive sex drive, she would always be really horny and we would make out all the time.
stillafool Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 She doesn't want to try anymore because your not getting an erection is telling her mind you just aren't sexually attracted to her and it hurts. I don't care if she is telling you it doesn't matter. Did you have this problem with other girls or is it just her? 5
zengirl Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 It sounds like she's attracted to you but doesn't want to get her hopes up. I mean, if you're hard and ready, would she turn you down? I don't see why you're questioning her attraction. OTOH, has this been a persistent problem for you, OP. If she has a high sex drive, she is probably attempting to be "okay" with this because she does very much value the relationship, but a healthy sex life is important and definitely something I'd look into fixing, if I were you. 2
FrustratedStandards Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I don't think she isn't attracted to you. I just think she feels that YOU aren't attracted to HER because you can't get it up. You have to get that checked out because it might be a sign of something more serious than just erectile disfunction. I think she is just discouraged, and doesn't want to get intimate anymore in fear of being "rejected" again by you not being able to get it up. It's just as hurtful for the girl as it is for the guy. Because since its "so easy" for a guy to get hard, and we all know men are horny all the time, the fact that you can't get it up not only hurt her ego but hurt her confidence by making her feel not attractive enough.
Nightsky Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 If anything it sounds like you arn't attracted to her. I realize that isn't necesarily true... thing is that is the msg she is probably getting. Do you masturbate? Do you have any trouble getting it up then? If you are masturbating why are you doing it when you have a gf? I mean are you addicted to porn or something. If you are incapable of getting a boner even to masturbate or in the morning then it sounds medical and you should figure that out. My guess is you like many other men these days look at porn and regularly masturbate... once probably more a week... My guess is you have no problem doing this. My next guess is you've come to find pornography, pictures or what ever as a sexual outlet. Sex with a woman just seems like to much work... That or you're gay? Look I realize accusing you of masturbating while you have a gf, looking at porn, or being gay could be insulting. I'm just trying to get some more details and throw some things out for you to think about. More details please, and let me know if any of what I wrote hit home with you.
stillafool Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I hate it when posters come here for help and then disappear. We shouldn't try to help new posters unless they are serious about getting help.
zengirl Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I hate it when posters come here for help and then disappear. We shouldn't try to help new posters unless they are serious about getting help. I mean, I do too, but he posted less than an hour ago. I'd wait for a bit first before assuming that. *shrugs* Not everyone has as boring of a workweek as I do this week. 1
Author Say Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 I hate it when posters come here for help and then disappear. We shouldn't try to help new posters unless they are serious about getting help. I'm still here, i've just been busy, sorry. I've had a problem with an erection for a few reasons. Awhile ago, i had to take beta blockers for a medical condition and that killed my erection. She and i took a break from dating, and during that break i got better and no longer needed the beta blocker. We got back together and rekindled everything we had 10 fold. Like, our relationship is dramatically better than it ever was. Its just, previously, she had a massive sex drive. She wanted action all the time. Before we started having sex, we would still make out for almost an hour. Now when we have sex, i remember those beta blockers that killed our sex life in the past relationship. I remember not being able to satisfy her, and i get afraid. Afraid i won't get it up, that i am just going to screw everything up again. She gets off, disappointed, and i feel like a screw up. Part of it, is i just don't feel attractive to her anymore. Why don't we spend those hours making out anymore? She told me at one point she felt making out was boring. I just don't feel the same, and it just feels completely foreign to my logic of thinking. If i want it, i go for it, so why doesn't she? But at the same time, why does she want to see me so much and talk so affectionately towards me? She constantly calls me cute and wants me to hold her... So its just confusing.
Pippabest Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Hi, Im the girl in this sinario. Leave your girlfriend, for a while, walk away and see what happens if she wants you she willll come back but if not your relationship will fail. I'm sorry, stay strong x
Almond_Joy Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I'm still here, i've just been busy, sorry. I've had a problem with an erection for a few reasons. Awhile ago, i had to take beta blockers for a medical condition and that killed my erection. She and i took a break from dating, and during that break i got better and no longer needed the beta blocker. We got back together and rekindled everything we had 10 fold. Like, our relationship is dramatically better than it ever was. Its just, previously, she had a massive sex drive. She wanted action all the time. Before we started having sex, we would still make out for almost an hour. Now when we have sex, i remember those beta blockers that killed our sex life in the past relationship. I remember not being able to satisfy her, and i get afraid. Afraid i won't get it up, that i am just going to screw everything up again. She gets off, disappointed, and i feel like a screw up. Part of it, is i just don't feel attractive to her anymore. Why don't we spend those hours making out anymore? She told me at one point she felt making out was boring. I just don't feel the same, and it just feels completely foreign to my logic of thinking. If i want it, i go for it, so why doesn't she? But at the same time, why does she want to see me so much and talk so affectionately towards me? She constantly calls me cute and wants me to hold her... So its just confusing. Glad you came back and gave more info. If the beta blocker problem was drastic enough that you two had to split, I could see why an indication of performance issues now would have her kind of shutting down early. Especially if the beta blockers aen't in the picture anymore. Have you told her that you don't feel attractive to her anymore? I get from what you said that she know's you're dissapointed you're not pleasing her like you used to....but, to me, your dissapointment with that doesn't necessarily equate to you feeling less attractive to your her being articulated as the core of your concern. They kind of seem like they could be two separate issues, or that feeling less attractive to your partner can come from a variety of idiosyncrasies in the relationship. She sounds willing to work through it.... Maybe she'd be willing to try some sexual flirting, even when you're not about to have sex? She may think it's obvious that she's sexually attracted to you even though she doesn't really show it outside of having sex/making out. A little validation once in a while of her sexual attraction to you may help with your assurance that she wants to be with you and is pleased with your performance. Also, that part in bold - stop. Thinking about what happenned in the past isn't going to do anything for the present. You're not in that place/position of being unable to perform/satisfy because of a medical condition. Why dwell on it? Of course that's a mood-killer :-/.
Author Say Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Well, the beta blockers itself weren't the problem we split. We had a few issues we needed to work on and grow from to stay together, and we accomplished that. Its just, no sex life pretty much contributed to that. I think she felt like, if we didn't do anything intimate then what are we without it? Very close best friends? I don't want to lose that sense of intimacy because i lose the passion and what makes a relationship. I don't want our relationship to be completely based on comfort and trust, even though those are two big contributors. In a sense, i don't want her to be with me solely because she is comfortable with me. Thus, this is what i am thinking if she wants to see me as much as always yet doesn't want to get intimate. However i, at the same time cannot blame her because of my lack of performance. I guess just deep down this is giving me a lot of doubts about our relationship, and i really want to fix our sex life. When we are together, and we kiss and she rubs me down there, i get hard. I get really hard. But the second the pants come off, its a wet noodle.
Almond_Joy Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Well, the beta blockers itself weren't the problem we split. We had a few issues we needed to work on and grow from to stay together, and we accomplished that. Its just, no sex life pretty much contributed to that. I think she felt like, if we didn't do anything intimate then what are we without it? Very close best friends? I don't want to lose that sense of intimacy because i lose the passion and what makes a relationship. I don't want our relationship to be completely based on comfort and trust, even though those are two big contributors. In a sense, i don't want her to be with me solely because she is comfortable with me. Thus, this is what i am thinking if she wants to see me as much as always yet doesn't want to get intimate. However i, at the same time cannot blame her because of my lack of performance. I guess just deep down this is giving me a lot of doubts about our relationship, and i really want to fix our sex life. When we are together, and we kiss and she rubs me down there, i get hard. I get really hard. But the second the pants come off, its a wet noodle. Hm. And you already established that it's not a physical condition, but psychological, by seeing a doctor or counselor? The process you go through in that short transtion time it take to get your clothes off seems to be the trigger for this issue. I'd rather not give suggestions on how to change your perspective of this situation, but I defintiely think putting your thought process in that time/moment under greater scrutiny/evaluation will be helpful in resolving this issue. Good luck, and it might be good to keep you girfriend informed of your doubts/concerns and train of thought as you work through this. I would think she would be very happy to be engaged in this problem-solving process with you .
Author Say Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 I am curious to see the opinions of everyone else who took an interest in this, so i will bump it. Thank you very much for your input, Almond Joy.
Diamonds&Rust Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 (edited) You should urgently get help for this psychological problem. You will later wish that you did sooner. This is a super-common problem that you can quickly fix with help. There's nothing physiologically wrong with you, and you deserve a good sex life. Additionally, your partner will be happy that the problem was medical and not related to her attractiveness. Edited March 15, 2012 by Diamonds&Rust
Professor X Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 The worse it gets the more you think about it, and the more you think about it the worse it gets. Get some professional help, try Viagra maybe. But 1 thing is certain, you need to be able to satisfy your girl - she isn't making out with you probably to avoid getting horny herself. So all that "why can't we just make-out?" bs is just a recipe for blue balls, and who wants that ??
stillafool Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 I'm still here, i've just been busy, sorry. I've had a problem with an erection for a few reasons. Awhile ago, i had to take beta blockers for a medical condition and that killed my erection. She and i took a break from dating, and during that break i got better and no longer needed the beta blocker. We got back together and rekindled everything we had 10 fold. Like, our relationship is dramatically better than it ever was. Its just, previously, she had a massive sex drive. She wanted action all the time. Before we started having sex, we would still make out for almost an hour. Now when we have sex, i remember those beta blockers that killed our sex life in the past relationship. I remember not being able to satisfy her, and i get afraid. Afraid i won't get it up, that i am just going to screw everything up again. She gets off, disappointed, and i feel like a screw up. Part of it, is i just don't feel attractive to her anymore. Why don't we spend those hours making out anymore? She told me at one point she felt making out was boring. I just don't feel the same, and it just feels completely foreign to my logic of thinking. If i want it, i go for it, so why doesn't she? But at the same time, why does she want to see me so much and talk so affectionately towards me? She constantly calls me cute and wants me to hold her... So its just confusing. It sounds very confusing. Have you had sex with other women and if so did you have a problem with erections or has this only happened with this girl and the beta blockers?
Author Say Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 It sounds very confusing. Have you had sex with other women and if so did you have a problem with erections or has this only happened with this girl and the beta blockers? Well, it happened way back when we first started dating. The first few times we were going to have sex, i was nervous and would put it off until finally we started it up and i got comfortable and was able to get it up each time. Now, after that break i guess its happening again but its lasting much longer this time.
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