mria Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I was in an intense 3 month long-distance relationship that ended about a month ago. We talked non-stop-text all day, phone and skyped every evening. We started getting into a few arguments over the last month. After a long and difficult marriage I was hesitant and worried about entering a new relationship but he reassured me and slowly I let go. When I visited him last month, we got into a bitter argument after which he said he wasnt feeling as strong anymore. We agreed to take a break for a few days and then skype. We did do 1-2 texts then but it was suddenly empty. I am bad with space and so I tried to send him a message the day talking about things the day before. He then stopped responding. I called, texted, never heard back. I did NC for 2 days after this. Finally, I felt like I needed to know either way. I told him to tell me either way over phone or text as I needed closure to move on. No reply. He deleted me and my friend on FB after I tried to msg his friend asking whats going on. I called and left few more messages but I didn't hear anything back. This is my first proper relationship ever since my marriage ended more than 1 year ago, I felt so hopeful after I left my marriage and not any of this similar pain. Now, I feel totally abandoned, betrayed, still have strong feelings for the guy, the pain is so bad I'm not sure it will ever go away at this point. Its been almost a month now but the feelings are still intense. I also feel guilty about my behavior, I've learned my mistakes but I feel horrible that I messed up. I also did not have complete closure so its worse. I just wanted to share my story here and talk to people who experienced similar pain. Anyone relate to this?
minee Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 hey sweetie, I think we've all been at a point during the break up where we are totally confused and shocked at how the person who used to love us so much can do this to us. I think right now, its best for you if you just give him his space. I think that's what both of you need. There is really no use trying to go after someone who doesn't want anything to do with you RIGHT NOW.. initiate the NC. As hard as it may be, you need to do this for yourself and maybe later, he'll turn around and come to you to talk. But until then, you should really try hard to do NC. 1
oldguy Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Your marriage ended how long before you met this guy & started a LDR? How long where you married? People need to go through the phases of loss. That takes more time for some than others & some refuse to go through some parts. They get stuck. Is it possible your going through the pain of your marriage ending or a part of that loss you didn't experience before you met the new guy. A marriage ending is often an opportunity to start fresh & to get to know & feel good about who you are now, after years of being a spouse. Also to reflect, to mend & to grow before getting involved again. You need to be the best person you can be for you first and before you get involved with someone else.
Author mria Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Thanks for replying:) After I tried contacting his friend, he deleted me off his FB and then the next day he sent me a msg saying he doesn't want to go forward and to leave him alone, he was done. I stopped contacting him then and then in a period of weakness again broke down and called him a week later to no avail. For the last 2 weeks I haven't contacted him at all. He met his friend who is my friends husband and told him 3 weeks ago that we were not right for each other at all and so we broke up. I know its over especially after all this, but a last phone call or proper closure email would have been nice for all that we shared:(
Author mria Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Thanks oldguy, I was married for 8 years, I felt I was done for the last two of those, I spent a year in couples therapy and worked on it till the end, we even tried seperation for 5 months then and during that time I knew I was done. We had great closure and finally filed for divorce. I felt a little lonely but that went away and I finally felt hopeful and peaceful than I had felt in years. I had been alone for around 11 months before I met this guy at a wedding. I'm not sure if its just me and my old issues that did this but he was a really good guy and genuinely loved me. I didnt know he had this cowardly side to him to not give closure when I wanted it to move on:(
minee Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 You want closure by contacting him one more time? Trust me on this, you will end up feeling more like crap if you ever do get that confirmation that he no longer wants to be with you.. actions speak louder than words and his actions are clear. He doesn't want anything to do with you.. why would you want extra pain and hear it directly. Please cut your losses and start your NC and grieving process, it will make you feel better in the long run.
Author mria Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 No I'm not going to contact him. But do you think he still might, even if not to get back, at least to see how I'm doing or to talk after he gets over his anger? Is it possible in this situation that people might be able to talk in 3-4 months?
CaliBabe Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I wouldn't concentrate on them contacting. You might never hear from them again and the easiest way to move on for real is to have that belief and live your life as such. Without them. You need to heal properly before you can really learn to love and appreciate someone again. Spend some time alone and get to know yourself again.
oldguy Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Thanks oldguy, I was married for 8 years, I felt I was done for the last two of those, I spent a year in couples therapy and worked on it till the end, we even tried seperation for 5 months then and during that time I knew I was done. We had great closure and finally filed for divorce. I felt a little lonely but that went away and I finally felt hopeful and peaceful than I had felt in years. I had been alone for around 11 months before I met this guy at a wedding. I'm not sure if its just me and my old issues that did this but he was a really good guy and genuinely loved me. I didnt know he had this cowardly side to him to not give closure when I wanted it to move on:( Closure is not the same as going through the 5 phases of loss & that doesn't happen until the loss has happened and it's not as pleasant as, "closure" Have you been really pissed off at him since the marriage has been legally over, not the same as emotionally over. I saw this repeatedly; people would divorce amicably & 2 years later would wake up angry or grieving because they had closure or ended amicably but not psychologically. I'm not saying this is you & I probably wouldn't be responding if you hadn't use the term; "closure" when talking about your divorce, not with this guy.
oldguy Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I am so sorry to hear that, no one deserves to go through that kind of back and forth interaction with someone that they care about. It also hurts even more, because you just left a marriage that left you feeling the same way. Just know that I sympathize with you, and if it helps, I just ran across this site that MIGHT help you move on, and find somebody that is worth your time. [Not spamming, just trying to help ] Check it out below! Why Are You Still Single - The Single's Survival Kit Good luck:( I am posting this because the OP is new here & needs to know that srhjhnsn518;3873738 is not supposed to use this sight to advertise & this is 2 of 2 postings with the same advise leading to an advertisment. please be aware & I have reported it If srhjhnsn518;3873738 was simply unaware, you are aware now.
Author mria Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 Hi, I did get closure in my marriage. Plus I was the one who wanted to leave my ex-husband. So that was easier in a way. This is the first time I've experienced real rejection this way so I quite don't know what to think. I'm just worried that I might never get over him or never get better. I can already see the ways in which we may not have been right for each other in the future-its clearer to me now after the relationship ended but I think just the pain of the rejection is so bad.
oldguy Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Hi, I did get closure in my marriage. Plus I was the one who wanted to leave my ex-husband. So that was easier in a way. This is the first time I've experienced real rejection this way so I quite don't know what to think. I'm just worried that I might never get over him or never get better. I can already see the ways in which we may not have been right for each other in the future-its clearer to me now after the relationship ended but I think just the pain of the rejection is so bad. You will get over him, he will fade out or fade into a pleasant memory I think. There are only one or two loves I remember fondly the rest have drifted into obscurity with time. If I remember, it's the ones I still recall fondly that are the same ones that stung the most:) You will get over the hurt but if your lucky, not the feeling. We all do
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