Who am I in love with?

[pknight1120]

Hi. i am new here, and I really need some advice. First of all, I am a 33 year old female who has been married for 12 years. I never thought I would ever cheat. I have 2 children, ages 11 and 5. I have been with my husband a total of 17 years, and had never had any other sexual partner other than him. He was my first and only, until recently. My husband and I have had a great relationship overall, and considered each other best friends. However, trust has been a huge issue in our marriage for the majority of it. I was also my husband's first partner.

 

About 10 years ago, my husband started watching a lot of porn. We had a joint AOL account, and he started going into the chatrooms to talk sex, and started swapping pics, etc.

 

The first time that my trust was broken was when I logged onto our account and noticed that there was a new AOL "buddy" on our list, Candisunshine.... I didnt suspect anything, but asked him who she was... he said he didnt know. I asked again and he got defensive and asked me what I was accusing him of.. he got angry... we argued, then dropped it for the time being. The next day, we discussed it again a little calmer and he said that he was in a "fishing" chatroom and talked to her, and she and her "husband" liked fishing so since they had such a good conversation, he added her. I asked why he didnt tell me that in the first place and he said he didnt think I would believe him... I didn’t believe him.

 

We made up after that argument, but I then started checking the browsing history on the PC, and checking emails, etc... I have caught him looking and masturbating to porn several times...

 

The next issue we had was one day while I was checking the browsing history, I noticed he had been on adult friend finder.... he had created a profile, so I was able to get his password emailed to his yahoo email address. I logged on, and he had created a profile.. Under the "about me" section, it said: "Looking for women for any kind of sex. I am married and cannot travel far". I was so hurt. I confronted him, and he first denied that it was his profile, but I had already printed it out so I showed him my evidence. He then said that he did it one night while drinking because we were mad at each other and he just wanted to see if he would get any "hits", but he didnt intend on cheating.

 

I continued to check behind him... I then found that he had been sending nude and partially nude pics of himself as well as me to people.. swapping photos. this was done behind my back and without my permission (my pics)... I confronted him, and he apologized and said he just liked the compliments he got about both of us.

 

Anyway, we have had various fights about his porn and my "snooping", as he calls it... Just when I would build my trust up in him, he would do something to break it again.

 

He has brought up 'swinging" and 3-somes a few times throughout our marriage, and I said no.

 

I am not completely innocent either. I have been known on numerous occasions to "flirt" with men in front of my husband when i was drinking.. I of course liked the attention, and liked to feel pretty, even though my husband tells me I am pretty and he loves me all the time. I guess I did it not only for the attention, but also because I felt liked I was allowed to do it, due to all the stuff my husband has done. He never told me it made him feel insecure until now.

 

A few weeks back (before the above fight), I started talking to an old guy friend that I used to work with. We were great friends about 7 years ago, nothing ever happened and he never made any advances towards me. I lost contact with him about 5 years ago, and he has just recently entered the picture again. We talked a little bit through Facebook and one night, he admitted that he had always liked me, and he thought I looked beautiful, and he wanted me with him, and wouldnt stop until he had me or I told him to stop.. Of course I was flattered so I didnt tell him to stop, but after that conversation, he never said anything like that again. I continued talking to him thru Facebook.

 

A couple of months back, my husband and i were discussing things, and he mentioned that the reason he liked putting pics of me on the internet several years back was because he really enjoyed the positive comments that he got... but he said he would not do it again since I was so upset the first time. I gave him permission (the trust was back at this time) to post pics of me, just a few, and none of my face at all. So he did. He gave me the user ID and password of the site.. I started monitoring the site. It slowly escalated from him just posting the pics of me, to posting pics of him, then changing his profile to say that his interests were "pic swapping, sexting, and maybe more". I continued to monitor, and he then started posting very inappropriate explicit comments on other girls' pic posts. Then he found someone to swap pics with. I went into his email and found that he had sent pics of my face to this stranger's email, and I was so mad, because he had broken my trust again.

 

The next night, I was in bed, and actually heard the porn thru the walls.. I was upset because we have children and I dont want them exposed to that at all. I got up and went into the living room and we argued. He mentioned the website where the pics were posted at some point, so I used that as an opportunity to see if he would be honest with me. I asked him if he had put any pics of my face out.. he said "no, of course not, I would not do that". I knew it was a lie and I was so upset. We argued a little more, but I didnt confront him about the lie. I went back to bed. later around 4am, I got up to get me some water. (hubby works at night and was off that night, so he was still awake). When I went into the living room, he was at the PC watching porn again. We argued again because he tried to hide it. I then confronted him about the lie. He said that he dont appreciate me "snooping" behind him. The next day, his story changed and he said that he thought I was talking strictly about posting my face on the site, and not emails... He then said he was not hiding anything because he gave me all the passwords.

 

The next day after our fight, I was so mad at hubby that I called up my guy friend that had just come back in the picture and asked him out to lunch. The day after that, I picked up my guy friend from the library and went back to his house. I vented to him about my problems with my hubby, and the friend appeared to give non biased advice, telling me it sounds like hubby has a porn problem and I need to address that with him, and that he shouldnt be treating me this way.

 

Hubby and my fight continued for a few days.. hubby started checking my phone.. I caught him one night going thru it.. i didnt have anything to hide, but it still made me mad. I started emotionally detching myself from hubby. I decided a separation would be the best thing at this time...That night (friday) I didnt go home. I intended on going to my moms, but instead I went to my guy friend's house. We hung out, and rented a movie to watch, and I just kept putting off leaving. I felt incredibly attracted to him, and he was being so nice and supportive, and telling me sweet things. it was just so easy to be around him. We ended up sleeping togehter that night, and the next morning, I went home to hubby. After the incident, I was left feeling a little disappointed that being with another man was so similar to being with my hubby.. i was not sure what I was expecting. I went home to hubby and hugged him and said I was sorry for our fighting and I love him. we started trying to get over our fighting. (the night I spent with the other guy was march 2nd of this year)

 

The cheating happened on a Friday, but thru the weekend, things were good between hubby and me. On Sunday March 4th, I caught hubby going thru my phone... I got mad but just snatched my phone away, plugged it back into the charger, and rolled over. Hubby sent me a long text message that night about how he didnt apprecaite the snooping, and he was tired of feeling like everything he did was scrutinized by me... Monday March 5th, I texted hubby and told him that we had some serious issues in our marriage that needs to be worked out, and i was willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. he responded with he agreed that we had issues that needed working out.. It sounded like we were on the road to talking thru this, so I called hubby. He told me that he meant what he said in the text, but right then he didnt even want to look at me... i was shocked.. he had no reason at that point to even say that to me, but in my opinion he was mad that he got caught and felt that I was "snooping" on him. I hung up the phone.

 

I started getting closer and closer to the other guy, and emotionally detaching from my hubby.. I thought about the other guy a lot and wanted to be with him when I was away. I saw him at his house a couple of times after the night we slept together, but nothing else ever happened. we just talked, but would hug each other bye when I left.

 

Hubby kept prying about why I was detaching from him, and why I would not talk to him about our issues. He asked me thru text if there was someone else. I avoided the question, until he asked a second and then a third time. After the third time he asked me, I admitted that yes there was someone else, emotions were involved, and I was confused. It broke his heart, He asked me to come home from work to talk, but I refused. He drove up to my work to talk to me. When he told me he was coming to my work, I went ahead and told my boss I was leaving early. When I walked out the door, he walked up to me and hugged me and said “please don’t leave me baby”. We talked, he cried. We decided again to try to patch things up. The next day he sent me a dozen roses at work, and picked me up for lunch, and gave me chocolate, and just started romancing me. I started breaking down my walls and opening up to him. But the other guy was still in my head. Hubby asked me at one point how far things got with the other guy, and I said we just talked, he asked if things got physical, but I lied and said no.

 

This past Friday night mar 9th, hubby started asking questions again about the other guy, and how far it got.. almost like he felt like we had slept together… He looked me in the eye and asked me if me and the other guy had kissed. I didn’t say anything. He said you did, didn’t you. I said yes. Then he asked if we had sex.. I didn’t say anything. I started crying. He said “you did, didn’t you”.. I said yes. I felt terrible for hurting hubby like that.. I never thought I would ever do something like this. Hubby started asking questions about “what” we did… I answered them.. He asked me if I would do it again. (remember his porn/3 some/swinging fascination)… I said I didn’t plan on it.. it was a one time thing. He asked me if I would to it again if he gave me permission. I said I didn’t know… He said he was not going to leave me, that he has screwed up in the past too, and he still wants to make things work. He asked if I would do 3some with hubby and other guy. I said no. he admitted that the thought of me with another guy turned him on, but he was upset I did it behind his back. He went to work. The next morning hubby came home, we made love, and then we talked some more about what happened. His reaction was just so weird … In my gut for years, I suspected hubby had cheated on me, but every single time I asked, he said he hadn’t. Sat morning, he asked me what was on my mind, so I told him, based on his reaction to my cheating, I strongly feel like he has been lying to me all this time and that he had cheated in the past. He said yes, he had cheated once.. I asked with who.. it was with my best friend.. about 3 years ago. She and I are not friends at all anymore, because she tried to break up my marriage.. Now I know why. I was devastated. He had been lying to me for 3 years about this.. I suddenly didn’t feel bad at all for my cheating. Since then, I started emotionally detaching myself from him again, and gravitating back to the other guy.

 

The other guy wants to talk to me all the time. He has not tried to sleep with me again, just wants to see me and be around me and talk to me. I decided Monday afternoon (march 12) to end my marriage. I told my hubby. I told the other guy. Then hubby begged me to go to counseling to try and save the marriage. Even though I didn’t want to save the marriage any more, I reluctantly agreed to go to counseling. I told the other guy I was going to go to counseling even though I thought my marriage was over. He said he thought it was a good idea.

 

Yesterday afternoon, I told the other guy that I have done things in the past that were bad too, and that who am I to judge hubby for his actions when I have done similar things… the other guy got frustrated with me and said that what I have done was no where near as bad as what hubby has done and that I shouldn’t feel as bad for it.. that hubby pushed me to do the things that I was doing.

 

I am now confused. Because I think that the other guy wants me for himself, but I don’t know what his true intentions are, does he want a relationship or just sex? Hubby says he wants things to work, but I cant believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Part of me wants to stay with hubby, but part of me wants to end things so that I can see what there is with me and the other guy. I know I have to let the other guy go if I want to stay in my marriage, but I don’t want to. I am so confused.

 

I dont know if I will EVER be able to trust my hubby, and I am having a hard time trying to forgive him for sleeping with my supposed best friend.. Right now, I dont even want hubby touching me. I am trying not to push him away, but I cant help it, because all I think about is him and her together. I still want to have contact with the other guy. I dont know who I am in love with.

 

BTW, hubby and I have our first marriage counseling session March 21.

[beenburned]

Your H has a serious addiction that is affecting the happiness of your marriage.

 

However, you have only compounded the problem by having an affair.

 

Go to counseling, stop the affair, and work honestly at repairing your marriage before deciding to divorce.

 

Any marriage that has any type of addictions are not healthy functioning relationships.

[pknight1120]

I feel like I will never be able to trust again. I know I have messed up by having an affair myself.. Hubby was looking at porn on an almost daily basis.. if i asked him about it he would lie and say he didnt... He cheated with my supposed best friend 3 years ago, then lied to me every time I asked him if he ever cheated... He says that was the only time he ever cheated, but I dont really believe him, nor do I trust him never to do it again. I also dont trust myself right now not to run back to my other guy... I dont know if I want my marriage to work or not. I feel like I got too emotionally involved with the other guy.. Of course the other guy was telling me how I deserve to be treated better and be happy, but he is probably just trying to break up my marriage so that I will go to him, but not let me know that is what he is doing... My other guy tells me that he cares deeply for me, and wants to be in my life no matter what. But if I choose to make my marriage work, it wouldnt be possible for him to stay in my life. I would have to cut all ties. My hubby says he will stop the porn watching, and wont bring up swinging or 3somes. At one point during our fight, hubby admitted to going on some dating sites, just to "see what was out there", but then said he wanted to work things out with me.. How can I truly believe that hubby wants to work things out with me if he was going on dating sites before we even seperated?

[standtall]

I just love how the OP runs with the first 2 paragraphs blaming her husband for her affair.

 

Here is my favorite part

 

"I was so mad at hubby that I called up my guy friend that had just come back in the picture and asked him out to lunch. The day after that, I picked up my guy friend from the library and went back to his house. I vented to him about my problems with my hubby, and the friend appeared to give non biased advice

 

so much I about fell off my chair laughing. You managed to blame your husband for your affair and say how much your affair partner gave you unbiased advice about your marriage in the same short paragraph. Incredible.

 

Here it is, your husband and you have some sexual issues that needed some work, but you burned it all to the ground with the other guy. Per your title of the thread...you're in love with yourself. End of story.

Edited March 14, 2012 by standtall

[frozensprouts]

i haven't heard of this type of situation before...

i guess i lead a very sheltered life...

 

 

the whole thing sounds very confusing...i really think that some heavy duty psychological help is warranted to get it all sorted out

[pknight1120]

I just love how the OP runs with the first 2 paragraphs blaming her husband for her affair.

 

Here is my favorite part

 

so much I about fell off my chair laughing. You managed to blame your husband for your affair and say how much your affair partner gave you unbiased advice about your marriage in the same short paragraph. Incredible.

 

Here it is, your husband and you have some sexual issues that needed some work, but you burned it all to the ground with the other guy. Per your title of the thread...you're in love with yourself. End of story.

 

I said the friend "appeared" to give non biased advice, because at the time, i was angry and hurt from the lying in the past that I thought it was actual honest advice. I am now questioning the motives. I am sorry that you feel like I am in love with my "self", and that I am blaming hubby for my affair. I know that I screwed up when i slept with someone else, but after 10 years of constantly forgiving my hubby for all of the lying and the going behind my back, not to mention hubby had the affair first when he slept with my best friend.. And lets not mention all the dirty cyber sex talk that he was doing behind my back that I found out about...that is not excusing my actions, but at the same time, explains why I felt pushed towards another man who was making me feel like someone actually cared about me... bottom line is I am going to start counseling with hubby, but I want to know if anyone who has been in any situations anywhere near mine can offer me any insight from their experiences, that is all.

[pknight1120]

Anyone who doesnt want to be "holier than thou" have any advice? otherwise I will go somewhere else.

[Spark1111]

I agree with BB. Your husband has a serious sex addiction. And too much porn makes men lousy lovers and terrible at intimacy. It desensitizes them to the feelings of a real, life woman.

 

It is often due to depression and feeling out of control emotionally. Is he?

 

Three, or 4 times he has promised to stop creating profiles but did not?

 

He had an affair with your best friend?

 

I can guarantee you that was not the first time he stepped out on the marriage.

 

Your affair did compound it, and this guy is not going to rescue you.

 

Like any other addict, he will promise you the moon to get you to stay, but without serious professional help, he will revert back to his addiction.

 

I think you need to separate, concentrate on you in IC, and leave the other man alone.

 

You also need to see how serious your spouse is to change his behavior.

 

Talk is very, very cheap. Stop listening to him. Actions speak louder than any words, and right now, he is still only talking.

[pknight1120]

I agree with BB. Your husband has a serious sex addiction. And too much porn makes men lousy lovers and terrible at intimacy. It desensitizes them to the feelings of a real, life woman.

 

It is often due to depression and feeling out of control emotionally. Is he?

 

Three, or 4 times he has promised to stop creating profiles but did not?

 

He had an affair with your best friend?

 

I can guarantee you that was not the first time he stepped out on the marriage.

 

Your affair did compound it, and this guy is not going to rescue you.

 

Like any other addict, he will promise you the moon to get you to stay, but without serious professional help, he will revert back to his addiction.

 

I think you need to separate, concentrate on you in IC, and leave the other man alone.

 

You also need to see how serious your spouse is to change his behavior.

 

Talk is very, very cheap. Stop listening to him. Actions speak louder than any words, and right now, he is still only talking.

 

Thank you so very much for your response. I have told him that he has a problem with sex addiction... he admits that he may have a small problem, and says he will get help if I want him to. But if he doesnt want to, I am not sure it will do any good. I am hoping that when we go to our first counseling session next Wed that the doc will tell him also, and maybe he will believe it... I know it doesnt excuse my actions, I know that what i did was wrong. I am not laying blame.. I just am now so confused that I do not know what I think or how I feel.

[standtall]

I said the friend "appeared" to give non biased advice, because at the time, i was angry and hurt from the lying in the past that I thought it was actual honest advice.

 

Sorry, married women don't get sexual advice from other men. You knew what you were doing, I'm not buying it, nor do I think most readers here will. And gee, looked what happened...your unbiased advisor ended up getting some...big surprise.

 

not to mention hubby had the affair first when he slept with my best friend..

 

I based my response on your original post..you added that factoid in your second post that I hadn't read yet. Besides, just because he did doesn't justify yours.

 

Anyone who doesnt want to be "holier than thou" have any advice? otherwise I will go somewhere else.

 

Hey, you're the one who asked...it was in the title of your thread...here it is in bold...

Who am I in love with?

 

Don't me mad because I din't give the answer you were expecting. I merely answered your question. You didn't put conditions on it such as choose between A or B. You didn't say only respond if you're not going to be negative, or respond only if you agree with me, or if you say something I like, or help me choose which one to be with, or help me find a way to blame my husband., or...you get the point? If you don't want to hear the opinions, then don't ask for them.

 

There are a lot of posters here from many walks of life, with a unique set of experiences that shape their opinion of things. If we all had the same opinion about something, then this wouldn't be much of a forum now would it? I also noticed that you have 6 posts and just joined, so you didn't know, so I will let you in on something. This forum has quite a few BS posters here. I'm not one, and I've been gentle. Your scourging is yet to come.

Edited March 14, 2012 by standtall

[frozensprouts]

OP,

it really does sound like you and your husband have a whole lot of issues that may go beyond the professional ability of a "regular" marriage counselor...

 

That is why i suggested a psychiatrist ( or psychologist...many counselors are also psychologists), who would have the ability to determine if there were any ( for lack of a better term) mental health issues involved, and also be able to propose treatment plan, should they feel one is appropriate.

 

It really would seem that you two have many issues that need to be addressed before you can move on in your marriage, if that is what you want.

 

If your husband does have sexual addiction ( and i am in no position to determine if he has) then he will need a lot of support to work through it...

 

I do have one question....

do you think that he feels that any of what he did was wrong, and if so, why does he feel that it is? is he really upset about his actions, or is he more upset that he got caught? ( and please don't let him take anymore photos of you, as right now you can't trust what he will do with them)

[2sunny]

Your H is to blame for the way HE participated.

 

You are to blame for the way YOU participated.

 

It won't be effective at all for you to blame YOUR cheating on HIS porn use.

 

Yours is yours and his is his.

 

Two different styles of cheating - but still the same result...lots of harm to self and others.

 

None of it is helpful to the marriage.

 

IF you BOTH intend to work through these issues - there is a TON of work to be done.

 

IF he doesn't acknowledge his porn as a BIG, HUGE problem - something he should NEVER again participate in - then he won't stay away from it. He should be thinking and knowing that IF he ever uses his porn as an outlet again - he's killing the M.

 

Much as you -if you EVER communicate or see your OM ever again - you are killing any chance at the M healing.

 

And another week until counseling? Sheez, you call the counselor and say "this IS CRISIS TIME" we need to get in today!

[jnj express]

Hey PLK----I don't think your mge can/should survive---the 2 of you will never trust each other, and you probably will both be walking on eggshells, looking over your shoulders all the time, as long as you stay together----Hopefully there are no kids in this so called mge.

 

Your lover----you need to stay away from him also---He is also scum, in that he did his best to wreck your mge.---He knew you were married, and he knew the mge. had major problems----what does he do, he does his best to help destroy your mge., along with sleeping with a married woman------he is not someone to ever have a relationship with, cuz he sure can't be trusted

 

Just get your D., go out and date, and take your time and try to eventually find the right guy for you----main thing is ---take plenty of time, and get over this mess of a mge., you are in right now.

[Funsize]

He has cyber sex..

 

You f*ck some other guy.

 

Really?

 

You couldn't fufill some of his fantasys that he was watching porn for? No. You had to go and get "even" in your mind.

 

Do the man a favour and divorce him, Its pretty obvious the marriage is dead and you are both far too immature to fix it.

[SandieBeach]

OP,

it really does sound like you and your husband have a whole lot of issues that may go beyond the professional ability of a "regular" marriage counselor...

 

That is why i suggested a psychiatrist ( or psychologist...many counselors are also psychologists), who would have the ability to determine if there were any ( for lack of a better term) mental health issues involved, and also be able to propose treatment plan, should they feel one is appropriate.

 

It really would seem that you two have many issues that need to be addressed before you can move on in your marriage, if that is what you want.

 

If your husband does have sexual addiction ( and i am in no position to determine if he has) then he will need a lot of support to work through it...

 

I do have one question....

do you think that he feels that any of what he did was wrong, and if so, why does he feel that it is? is he really upset about his actions, or is he more upset that he got caught? ( and please don't let him take anymore photos of you, as right now you can't trust what he will do with them)

 

That is assuming he thinks it's an addiction and is willing to do something about it. My husband was into porn (only caught him once though in the last 8 years), but he and I were barely having sex, so I am not sure if he was doing it out of addiction or necessity. That took some time, but then he finally went to a real person. Frankly, I don't think porn is the most awful thing UNLESS he is doing it all the time and instead of having sex with me. I think most men like porn even those who swear on their lives that it's disgusting. But the OP's husband strikes me as someone with a more intense issue when it comes to porn and sex with other people. Kind of scary actually.

[frozensprouts]

That is assuming he thinks it's an addiction and is willing to do something about it. My husband was into porn (only caught him once though in the last 8 years), but he and I were barely having sex, so I am not sure if he was doing it out of addiction or necessity. That took some time, but then he finally went to a real person. Frankly, I don't think porn is the most awful thing UNLESS he is doing it all the time and instead of having sex with me. I think most men like porn even those who swear on their lives that it's disgusting. But the OP's husband strikes me as someone with a more intense issue when it comes to porn and sex with other people. Kind of scary actually.

 

agreed...

this goes way beyond using porn.

[Cobber9]

I would pursue the counseling, and not write the relationship off at this point...however, and its a big however.....My belief is that your husband has not been completely truthful with you, and he is going to reveal more cheating or bad behavior to you. You need to draw a line on how much you would tolerate.

 

It is a very weird and warped response to know if he can have a threesome with you and the other guy, very weird, red flags everywhere on that one.

 

As for you and the other guy, cut it off immediately, if for the simple reason that you cannot start a normal relationship while still being in another one.

[GG2W]

standtall / frozensprouts

 

You owe pknight an apology! She came here looking for help and you tore into her.

 

You haven't a clue what she has been has been put through?

 

When she had sex with the OM she did exactly what her husband wanted her to do. She made it all the more exciting by having sex in public.

 

Her only mistake was not letting her husband watch?

 

Instead of wanting to seperate or for her to break it off with the OM he wanted her to try swinging and a 3 some with the OM.

 

How would you like your husband posting photos of you on the internet?

 

What is unsaid and she might not know, he is also asking strangers to go into detail how they would screw his wife.

 

And more than anything he would like them to do it while her watches.

 

For some to watch porn on a tape or internet is not near as exciting was watching the real thing with your wife.

 

Do You Get It?

[Kidd]

standtall / frozensprouts

 

You owe pknight an apology! She came here looking for help and you tore into her.

 

You haven't a clue what she has been has been put through?

 

When she had sex with the OM she did exactly what her husband wanted her to do. She made it all the more exciting by having sex in public.

 

Her only mistake was not letting her husband watch?

 

Instead of wanting to seperate or for her to break it off with the OM he wanted her to try swinging and a 3 some with the OM.

 

How would you like your husband posting photos of you on the internet?

 

What is unsaid and she might not know, he is also asking strangers to go into detail how they would screw his wife.

 

And more than anything he would like them to do it while her watches.

 

For some to watch porn on a tape or internet is not near as exciting was watching the real thing with your wife.

 

Do You Get It?

 

If I read her thread right, she didn't know about her H until after she had her affair and then said she understood why she felt pushed into her own. Hello blameshifting. They each get to own their own actions.

 

Still the fact that he wants to watch his wife with someone else might just make this too much to recover for the OP. Affairs on both sides makes it exponentially more difficult to R.

 

I'm just not sure Frozen or Standtall owe an apology to anyone.

[frozensprouts]

standtall / frozensprouts

 

You owe pknight an apology! She came here looking for help and you tore into her.

 

You haven't a clue what she has been has been put through?

 

When she had sex with the OM she did exactly what her husband wanted her to do. She made it all the more exciting by having sex in public.

 

Her only mistake was not letting her husband watch?

 

Instead of wanting to seperate or for her to break it off with the OM he wanted her to try swinging and a 3 some with the OM.

 

How would you like your husband posting photos of you on the internet?

 

What is unsaid and she might not know, he is also asking strangers to go into detail how they would screw his wife.

 

And more than anything he would like them to do it while her watches.

 

For some to watch porn on a tape or internet is not near as exciting was watching the real thing with your wife.

 

Do You Get It?

 

i really think you need to re-read what I wrote.

 

I told her she needed to get him to a psychiatrist/psychologist, as he seems to have a real problem. I have no idea what the cause is, or if it's a "sex addiction", etc. , but he needs help.

 

I also told her that if she stays with him, he's going to need a lot of support to get through his issues. Maybe he never will. Does she feel she can deal with that? If not, she should leave, as it's a terribly unhealthy place for her to be.

 

I also told her not to let him take any more pictures of her, as she can't trust him with them.

 

I said nothing about her having an affair.

 

If I feel i said anything out of line, i will gladly apologize, but, in this case, i stand by what i said.

 

he needs psychological help. if she does not agree, but doesn't like what he does, she has two options...she can either stay and deal with it, or leave. He's shown her she can't trust him to stop.

[standtall]

standtall / frozensprouts

 

 

When she had sex with the OM she did exactly what her husband wanted her to do. She made it all the more exciting by having sex in public.

 

Her only mistake was not letting her husband watch?

 

 

You I do get it. He never asked her to go off and have an affair with the guy friend. It was cheating on her part physically and in her heart. There is a difference between asking your wife for a threesome or swinging, and having her turn you down, and then going out and having sex outside the marriage and getting emotionally involved with somebody. If you ask me, she is the one who betrayed him. I can just see the say he is thinking.

 

" Gee honey, can we have a threesome, or how about swinging to spice things up a bit? NO!! that's disgusting, but I will sleep with some one else behind your back."

 

Yes, this guy does have issues, but so does she, and I would say she is on here trying to blame him for her cheating. All that other crap with porn and chat rooms are minor in comparison.

 

You haven't a clue what she has been has been put through?

,

Yes, you're right, we do not. I wonder about what else we don't know about. I question the OP's version of the marriage and the sex/trust issues. Who has readily available, current nude pictures of their wife laying around to post in the chat rooms? There is more to this than what the OP is putting out there.

 

The rest of the details are IMHO, just excuses to justify her infidelity. He cheated on her in the past, but when she was having her affair, she had no idea. She found out about it after she betrayed him. Besides, he confessed years after the fact, and she was essentially caught...a big difference. Both of them may be a little freaky and need some counseling, or their sex lives are not what most people call normal, but that does not justify her betrayal. I may sound harsh, but we all have our opinions, and that is what posters are asking for here. If you don't want people's opinions, then don't ask. Or better yet, put a disclaimer on your original post saying that you only want people's opinions that agree with yours.

Edited March 18, 2012 by standtall

[SandieBeach]

If I read her thread right, she didn't know about her H until after she had her affair and then said she understood why she felt pushed into her own. Hello blameshifting. They each get to own their own actions.

 

Still the fact that he wants to watch his wife with someone else might just make this too much to recover for the OP. Affairs on both sides makes it exponentially more difficult to R.

 

I'm just not sure Frozen or Standtall owe an apology to anyone.

 

I think this is the key difference between a man who gets turned on by watching porn, and a man who is almost controlled by his fetish that he will expose photos of his wife on the Internet for others to see.

[2sunny]

Any man that might send my pics to anyone else is completely OUT!

 

No questions - just a quick exit! But then again - I've never allowed my pic to be taken in any compromising situation... Even when I was married for 20 years.

 

Betrayal like that is just unforgivable to me. They aren't HIS to send out!

[2sunny]

Well PK, I think the biggest problem is the fact that your husband was (supposedly) a virgin when you first got together and you've been the only woman he's ever been with. That's just a recipe for disaster because most men crave variety and sooner or later, a man whose had only one partner is eventually going to become very curious to know what it's like to experience someone new. For that reason alone, I'd never marry a man whose had no past sexual partners - no way, Jose.

 

Your husband's obviously got a Cuckold fantasy - he enjoys having other men slobber all over your nude pictures and would love to sit back and watch a man ride you like a stallion. He's continually disrespected you in order to feed his fetish (sending out pictures of your face which you expressly asked him NOT to do, etc. etc.) He's a complete jerkoff for screwing your prior best friend - for that alone I'd dump his deviant ass.

 

He's gotten caught up in his fetish world and he's always going to secretly want to watch you with other men. That's not going to just magically disappear because you're not into it. I just experienced this myself with a past longerm relationship - they may act as though it's not big deal if you're not open to it, but behind your back, they're looking to feed that Cuckold fetish.

 

No advice really, just saying I hear you and good luck to you.

 

So many assumptions! Why/ how cold you state she's the ONLY one he's been with? Sheez, unless you've been in his pocket his whole life - or you ARE HIM - you couldn't possibly know this for sure!

[Gagirl]

If hubby has an account on AFF, he has probably hooked-up with lots of skanks. My friend caught her husband on AFF and let's just say that the many women that he hooked-up with over 6 years was the least of her problems. This was supposed to be an upstanding veteran, father and blah blah. Your hubby probably has a secret email account. Google his userid and see what he has really been up too. Create your own account and trap him before going to the lawyers. I wish you well!!