fallen16 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I have been involved with my MM for 4 years. I work with him. Typical story, started out as friends, grew into more. I fell in love for the first time. I think about him 24-7. I have been totally faithful and want more than anything to have a life with him. I left a bad marriage when I realized what love could be. The marriage was bad before I got involved, I just couldn't tolerate it anymore when I discovered how wonderful it could be to loved and cared for and to love and care in return. He claims he needs his children and family and therefore will not leave his wife. He claims they live more like brother and sister. He claims he truly loves me. I use the word "claims" because although I have always believed him, I now wonder just how naive I have been. If he loved me, he would want to be with me. He claims he does, but not at the expense of his childrens' hatred. I have to see this man every day. I spend most of my time trying to pull away. I cry all the time. I feel so lost and so empty. There are days I don't want to leave my bed. My head knows I am crazy and need to move on, but my heart is broken. How do I get over this hurt and pain? How do I stay strong and keep him out of my life? More importantly, how do I stop thinking about all the things he said...the words of love, desire and need? I do not even have friends to lean on as I lost most of them when I divorced. I feel like I am in a black hole never to return. I feel desperate. Please I need advice and help from anyone who thinks they can offer advice.
scatterd Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 . I am so sorry for your pain a Married man has nothing but emty promises. If he wanted to be with you he would leave, alot of them claim its the children. You need someone who can offer you a full time relationship.Have you ever went NC with him.
Author fallen16 Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 I keep trying to walk away. Working with him 8 hours a day and closely has not made it easy. I cannot afford to leave my job nor can he. NC is impossible. I try to speak to him as little as possible but unfortunately our departments work closely together and we are the heads of our departments so ultimately we are thrown together often. I know it is a dead end road. He never said he would leave her. But he has said so many things. One day at a time seems endless. The pain seems endless. I have been reading a lot of forums trying to gather strength. Some days I do better than others, but mostly it just hurts all the time. I know there's no quick cure, no easy fix. I just feel so very helpless. He was my best friend. I was able to reach out and tell him anything. Now I feel so alone. I guess as long as I have hope I keep thinking maybe it will work out. LOL There really is no hope. Is there something you do or say to yourself to get thru?
skywriter Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 fallen, I believe you move on, when you really feel you are ready to move on. If you feel that you are ready to move on, you have to begin the steps by cutting off contact with the MM. You will immediatly want to contact him because you can't stop thinking about him. So you have to do things to keep busy. You cannot let your mind be idle and when you feel like you are going to make contact, call someone else until the feelings subside. Also, remind yourself of the facts, He's not available, for whatever the reasons. You deserve someone who can be available, etc..... As for getting over the hurt, first of all. if you are hurting then you may want to consider the source of that hurt. That hurt, may help you with the continuance of not contacting the MM. It has been my experience that hurt is eventually healed with time and also by avoiding the cause of the hurt... 1
skywriter Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I'm sorry fallen, I just saw your last post, about how you work with the MM, and closely. I feel very bad for you, that you have to see him, 8 hours a day! That makes for some very difficult healing. I guess it's not impossible though. If you just make up your mind, to call the A, over and tell him, that it is in your best interest, to stop this, since he is committed to his family. If you believe that it is unhealthy for you ,and it's changed you as a person, then he should respect how you feel ,and the affect it is having on you.
skywriter Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Is there something you do or say to yourself to get thru? I don't want to be an other woman. This is what I tell myself. I want to be "the woman".
scatterd Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 (edited) Its not easy to get over him but it can be done many have done it here.This is a good support site if you stayand read you can achieve. Married men that cheat are good a lying and will say any thing to have their cake and eat it too.You need to find your self again and be happy. If he did leave would you be able to trust he would not do it to you? Think about how he is treating his wife.Has he told her about you or are you his big secret. Edited March 14, 2012 by scatterd
Owl Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I keep trying to walk away. Working with him 8 hours a day and closely has not made it easy. To quote Mythbusters..."Well, here's your problem!". You're not going to succeed in ending it with him if you have ANY contact with him whatsoever. If you want it to end, one or the other of you will need to change jobs. Otherwise, you're just bound to repeat history over and over and over... I cannot afford to leave my job nor can he. NC is impossible. I try to speak to him as little as possible but unfortunately our departments work closely together and we are the heads of our departments so ultimately we are thrown together often. I know it is a dead end road. He never said he would leave her. But he has said so many things. One day at a time seems endless. The pain seems endless. I have been reading a lot of forums trying to gather strength. Some days I do better than others, but mostly it just hurts all the time. I know there's no quick cure, no easy fix. I just feel so very helpless. He was my best friend. I was able to reach out and tell him anything. Now I feel so alone. I guess as long as I have hope I keep thinking maybe it will work out. LOL There really is no hope. Is there something you do or say to yourself to get thru? The pain is going to remain as long as you both continue on in the position you're in. Have you considered going to your HR department and explaining the situation, to see if either of you could be relocated to prevent further contact (and further misuse of company time & materials to maintain the affair?)?
Thunderbolt Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Hey Fallen, I'm really sorry to hear how much pain you're in. 4 years is a long time and I understand how you're feeling -- I'v been there. I can't imagine having to work with my xMM. I know you can't afford to quit your job, but I would highly recommend looking for another one while you stay at your current. While not impossible, it's going to be much more difficult to get over MM while you work together. Since he's made it clear that he has no intentions of leaving his wife, I'd suggest ending things with him. It sounds like you're at a point where you need more than he is willing to give. You deserve more. You were strong enough to walk away from a marriage that wasn't good for you, I think you're strong enough to walk away from this relationship which clearly isn't good for you either. There's no magic pill in getting over something like this. Just time and determination. Do whatever you can to separate yourself from him -- it will help speed up your healing. Good luck and hang in there. I found a friend I was able to confide in and she helped me in ways I'm sure she's not even aware of. Try to find someone to help you through this -- someone you can talk to. 2
Author fallen16 Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Thank you. I will keep trying. One day at a time. It is hard because he plays me. He says things, reminds me of things, goes out of his way to make it that much harder to avoid him. I try. I try so hard. So far I haven't backed down and haven't given him the satisfaction of seeing how much his constant presence and comments hurt me. He thinks wearing the clothes I like, or the cologne I love will sway me. He thinks telling me he loves me changes things. I just wish he would let me go. I know I have to move on. The hurt has far outweighed the "wow" lately. But to see him everyday, to talk to him everyday. UGH! I have no vacation left until summer. I have many days to go until I can avoid him for a week straight. It just feels like I lost my best friend as well as my lover. I feel for every woman who has ever been involved with a MM.
scatterd Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Is his children two young or are they raised,I just wonder if they rely on him.So many men use that excuse.If you want to get over him dump him. you deserve a man that will give you his all.
skywriter Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 It just feels like I lost my best friend as well as my lover. I feel for every woman who has ever been involved with a MM. You see fallen, you have to try very hard not to feed your emotions with these types of thoughts. You aren't losing your best friend. You are loving yourself more than he can love you. Remind yourself of the things that are important to you in this life that he can't or won't be a part of. Remind yourself of the things in his life that you aren't a part of. 2
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 is it possible to ask for a transfer to another department so you won't see and have to deal with him on such a daily basis? If not, I'd start looking for another job, just to see what else is out there.. Rely on the friends you do have, and your family members too. Ask for help, seek some counseling to help you get through this rough time. This MM never had any intention of leaving his wife and kids. I'm sure he does care for you, probably loves you too, but it's not enough to make him give up what he has now. Time is on your side, and these things take time to work through and heal. I promise you, you will survive this. It'll hurt and be difficult but you'll come out of this stronger and wiser. Keep posting.
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 It is hard because he plays me. And that's not very nice of him to do! He needs to respect your wishes to keep distance and leave you alone. Next time he gets in your face and plays this little ego game with you, tell him that you need to respect your boundries and stick to keeping things professional, no personal talk or flirting, or whatever it is he's doing to keep you interested in him. It seems he doesn't have your best interest at heart.
Author fallen16 Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 This site and all of your comments have helped already. Too many people judge and condemn. I condemn and judge myself enough already. My head knows it was wrong. My head knows I was a fool. Its my heart and emotions that are struggling. The very fact that so many of you have succeeded in moving on gives me hope. I didn't think there was an instant fix to my hurt. But just knowing others have and still are going through this makes me feel less alone. This is a small business I work for. There are no other departments to transfer to. I have been looking for a new job for a while now and will continue to do so. I know the constant contact is what keeps the pain so fresh.
skywriter Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Big Hugs fallen!! I can definitly relate to you and what you are going through. I didn't work with the MM that I had an A with though! UGH!!!! You got me beat there and my heart goes out to you!!!!
scatterd Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Getting away from him is the best thing, talk to your boss about wanting to be in a different dept.If you think he has a whole other life he goes to family things and I bet he still sleeps with his wife.Think about this do you want to live like this any longer? Im sure you are strong enough to get out of this.If you think about the bad and how he strings you along in stead of the little good you get it will give you strength.
Author fallen16 Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 His children are not young. It is an excuse. I know it is. I used to think what we had was different than everyone else's affair. I believed that he really loved and cared for me. I believed our bond was unbreakable. I believed so much. Then I read these forums and realize, my affair is just like everyone else's. I guess thats how they draw us in and keep us in. I have to stop replaying his words. However, it just happens. The thoughts pour in. then i wonder why i wasn't enough to make him leave. I really have forgotten that I deserve better. i need to see him for who he really is. 1
TigerCub Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Hey Fallen, I truly feel for you. Since you can't get a different job right now - you need to make a conscious effort to harden your heart against this man. Tell yourself things such as: - he lied to me about his feelings - he played me - he used me - he's a coward - he's laughing at my naivete behind my back - I can't sacrifice my self worth for this man anymore - he's an emotional vampire. You have to tell yourself things like that, even if he did love you, he's still willing to hurt you and everyone else to attain what's important to him, so repeat things to yourself that will harden your heart against this man. You can't get away from him physically because of work, but if you convince yourself that he's a lying ******* that's willing to use you and spit you out, then maybe at least that will help you distance yourself emotionally from him. Maybe some of the things I said in the list above aren't even true, and maybe convincing yourself of such negative things isn't that healthy, but at least it should help you to emotionally detach a bit from him. It sucks that you can't avoid this guy until you get a new job, but hopefully this will help. Oh, also, make up a list of all the crappy things he's ever done to you or how he's let you down, put that list up on your wall at home and whenever you get a text from him, or have the urge to contact him - look at that list, it should help with the urges 1
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 This site and all of your comments have helped already. Too many people judge and condemn. I condemn and judge myself enough already. My head knows it was wrong. My head knows I was a fool. Its my heart and emotions that are struggling. The very fact that so many of you have succeeded in moving on gives me hope. I didn't think there was an instant fix to my hurt. But just knowing others have and still are going through this makes me feel less alone. This is a small business I work for. There are no other departments to transfer to. I have been looking for a new job for a while now and will continue to do so. I know the constant contact is what keeps the pain so fresh. Do you think your co workers know about the A? Okay, no beating yourself up..Doing that isn't going to help you heal. Yes, you've owned your part in the A, it's time to be nice and go pamper yourself! Like after ANY break up, spend some $$ and make yourself feel good. Shop, go to a spa, get a massage, nails done, new haircut. Focus on the little things in life, the positives in your life. Every single time you find yourself thinking of him, distract yourself. Remembering, wishing/hoping, fantasizing of him 24/7 is not good and it'll prevent you from letting go and really grieving the loss.
scatterd Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I agree if you think about your self more and do things to make yourself happy it will help. Being away from him will give you the opportunity to meet someone that can give you his all. Find new interest meet new friends.Get happy again he is not worth all this sadness. you will heal it takes time but the more you get out and away from him the better you will feel.Remember he does not care how his wife feels he is leading her on also. Look for someone that will be faithfully to you.I dont mean right now but when you feel up to it.There is so many good things in life this is the time to find out.You were married before this take time to discover yourself again.
skywriter Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 (edited) The thoughts pour in. then i wonder why i wasn't enough to make him leave. Please don't wonder that ever again, fallen. The thought to think instead is, if it were really so bad at home, he wouldn't be there. If his homelife were such that it wasn't a healthy enviroment, then logically, he would make other arrangements. Just think rationale, logical, thoughts that make sense to you. It sounds as if you are blaming yourself because he is staying with his W. Now that, isn't accurate and you know better. Then again, consider the fact that having you on the side, makes it a bit easier to continue on, in his marriage, as is. Edited March 14, 2012 by skywriter
Author fallen16 Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Wow..........such well written responses. I am very grateful to all of you. I have reread these responses several times. They give me strength. They really do. I so do not want to come off as a victim. I realize my part in this mess. I was strong enough to leave my very bad marriage. I had my MM's help at the time. I can do this. I have to believe I can. Trying to remember all the disappointments and his other life might help when I am feeling particularly lonely. I never believed I would be in a mess like this. Do these men really believe their own lies????? Does he really believe this is the way to live? I guess I shouldnt be concerned with what he thinks but rather what I think. I truly do thank all of you. if it wasnt for your words I would still be here crying in my office.
scatterd Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 (edited) MM will say what ever gets them what they want and usually its to have their cake and eat it too.Some things maybe true but who knows which ones.You have to figure he is telling alot of lies in order to stay married and have OW. Hes probably telling his wife he loves her and he would never cheat and then turning around and saying what a horrible marriage hes in. If that was true he would be out people with children divorce everyday.The problem is hes stringing you both along and while the woman cry he is enjoying all the attention.You nor who he is with deserves this it hurts and life is to short to be playing games. Remember your worth and that you dont have to put up with this. You have missed out on to much already. Be strong and stand up for your self its not a good feeling to cheat anyway. Live your lifewith joy and find someone honest that wont hurt you.After a while it gets easier to see how thing really are and you wont want this life anymore. Cheer up I know how it feels to hurt. Edited March 14, 2012 by scatterd 1
Author fallen16 Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 sadintexas.......you are right. I will never understand how he could say and do the things he has done. I will drive myself insane; as I have been. I am trying to look to my own feelings and realize how I let myself become so convinced I cannot live without him. I am not sure if its all the changes in my life with my divorce that I feel i cannot cope changing what I have known for 4 years. I have been trying to break it off for over a year. I always seem to cave and come to the conclusion I love him and need him. But so many points said here ring true. Real love can endure reality and all the things I can never experience with him as I am his secret. Maybe we wouldn't be so perfect for each other if we had to deal with the day to day trials and tribulations of life. I will continue to draw my strength from all of you who have been through this.
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