How do you deal with this?

[ConfusedOne4]

Long story short, I went through something three years ago that led me to stop trusting people, especially males in my own ethnicity.

 

I finally found a guy (same ethnicity) that I felt like I could trust and be comfortable with, besides my only guy bffl. Things were great until I started having feelings for him. He obviously didn't like me back. I didn't expect him to, nor do I expect any guy to ever like me b/c I'm little too eccentric for most guys.

 

I got so comfortable with him that I felt like I could make crazy jokes with him and it would be okay. He never told me that he considered anything inappropriate until well after he became frustrated over the comments (which he only admitted to me last night, and the jokes have been going on since around January).

 

I also told him about what I went through, hoping he would get why I act the way I do. But he seemed to disregard that and focus on the stuff I said with him.

 

I feel like now I made a mistake in letting myself trust him or be comfortable with him. I thought that he had as much respect for me, as I do with him, with being honest about how we felt and if there were things weighing down on our minds about anything and that we could admit that to each other and move on.

 

I feel like all the work I put into getting better over this 3 years have been seriously hurt b/c I made the mistake in trusting the wrong person and I'm not sure how to accept that mistake and move on and continue working to better myself and fix myself.

 

I do hope that eventually I do find someone that is worth being given that trust and permitting that comfort level...but I'm not sure how I could do that, after making this mistake. I think part of it stems from allowing myself to depend on him, so that is my fault, but I'm not sure how to keep going from that.

Edited March 14, 2012 by ConfusedOne4

[BETTERFLIRT]

There are 2 things you should have to know about the human being. EDUCATION and TENDENCY

His education

1, It becomes easiest when knowing that person's education level with whom you want to be.

His tendencies

2, generally it is not that that person does not love you but that you often rush the boarder line as it is in your case. People most of the times react facing to a specific situation according to the way they understand and interpret the fact based on their personal rules. When you do not know where to be you go where you supposed not to be.

Do not penalyze yourself for what happened for it is already done. Try instead to regain his attention by the way so can you or just look for someone else who is ready to communicate his CAN'S and CAN'T's. Everyone can make mistake why then killing yourself for something with which you wanted to make yourself feel good?

[ConfusedOne4]

Thanks, what you're saying makes sense.

 

I wrote this right after our little fight, so I was definitely emotional, when I wrote it, so I'm thinking a bit more clearly now. I knew he wasn't going to process what I said and I guess I didn't expect him to completely disregard it, but that's okay, I'd rather him act like I didn't tell him then ignore me or whatever.

 

Also, being around him and being at least friends makes me happy, so I'm happy to settle for that with him and wait for my Mr. Right to find me. I just hope it's someone that has the same or better qualities that made me find him trustworthy enough.

[rootless]

Thanks, what you're saying makes sense.

 

I wrote this right after our little fight, so I was definitely emotional, when I wrote it, so I'm thinking a bit more clearly now. I knew he wasn't going to process what I said and I guess I didn't expect him to completely disregard it, but that's okay, I'd rather him act like I didn't tell him then ignore me or whatever.

 

Also, being around him and being at least friends makes me happy, so I'm happy to settle for that with him and wait for my Mr. Right to find me. I just hope it's someone that has the same or better qualities that made me find him trustworthy enough.

 

You should let yourself off the hook a little, I think.

You're being entirely too hard on yourself.

 

You said this guy lead you to believe that he wasn't easily offended, and that he viewed nothing as inappropriate.

 

You took the guy at his word.

Nothing wrong with that.

He obviously exaggerated about how thick-skinned he is -- there's no way you could have guessed that.

You're not telepathic.

You can only base your understanding of him and his boundaries based on what he tells you.

And he told you it was no-holds-barred.

That's not your fault -- you assumed he was telling you the truth.

 

Next, he didn't say he was uncomfortable until WELL after you started kidding around with him.

 

Again, none of us are mind readers.

It's unfair for him to be silent when something is bothering him, and then ambush you later.

 

People who "save up" their objections and complaints until it's too late are one of my biggest pet peeves in life.

 

If something was bugging him, he needed to SAY SO.

It's total bullsh*t for him to sit on it for weeks, or months, and then pounce on you for it later.

 

That type of behavior is punitive.

They allow you to do stuff they don't like, but never say anything, and then try and punish your for it later.

You become the bad guy, because they're a sh*tty communicator.

 

RIDICULOUS.

 

People who do that can suck it.

 

Cut yourself some slack, girl.

This guy caused his own problem.

[ConfusedOne4]

True. I'm trying to make him talk to me and tell me things when he is thinking them rather than keeping it in. And I explained to him if he told me when it happened, I would stop whatever he was annoyed about.

 

So, hopefully that works. If he still doesn't say anything, then it's even more on him because I made myself clear multiple times to define our boundaries and at least I know what they are now, so I don't plan on crossing it again.

[ConfusedOne4]

Update:

 

I'm glad to say so far he is being honest about things. Granted I still need to work on my trust issues with brown guys, but he isn't keeping things in anymore, so for now that is all I can ask.

[ConfusedOne4]

Since this has to deal with what I wrote above...I thought I'd just add to this thread...hopefully someone answers....

 

OK...so I've done my best to give him space and not bug him as much. And he has for the most part been open and honest about stuff he has been feeling....BUT....here is what happened...

 

He invites me for his birthday outing, and I bring along one my close friends (she knows the whole situation, in detail). He proceeds to eventually start hitting on her (after a couple of drinks) and flirting with her (she of course is repulsed, not only cause he isn't as good looking as he thinks he is and b/c she would never go for a friend's "leftovers"). I do my best, at the first bar, to keep my distance from him b/c I know he feels that I can be clingy at times, main reason why I made sure to keep a distance between us. (I kept myself attached to my friend..and when she was dancing with some of his friends...I attached myself to another friend of ours that was still there).

 

From there, we leave and go to a Gay Bar (some of his friends went there, so we went to meet up with them). My friend ends up going off to look for the people with another one of his friends and I get stuck near him, and his friend & his friend's gf. And he was drunk, so I'm trying to make sure he doesn't get more to drink and his friend is letting him get more (and this is the clingyness that I will mention in a minute). So, we're there and we finally leave and we eventually all make it home.

 

So, Sunday night we're talking and he is telling me how I was super clingy (referring me trying to get him to not drink more...I don't think he realized that was my intent) and he was upset saying how his friends were reading into it and it frustrated him.

 

And I also put up a joke on facebook that I was "in a relationship" with someone, so people from school he met up with before his b-day outing assumed it was him and he got frustrated over that saying those people were reading into how I treat him (take into consideration I rarely see or talk to those people).

 

I feel like he is the one reading too much into my actions now...since the only person I know of who would make jokes about my April Fool's status knew I had feelings for him.

 

This whole thing made me super upset that night and I ended up staying up crying for a while b/c I don't know what else to do to make him happy about this whole thing. I regret ever mentioning I had feelings for him b/c it's just messing everything up. The only other option is ending the friendship, and he said that isn't something he wants to do and that isn't something I want to do either.

 

Any ideas on what I can do or is he just overreacting to it all?

 

This is what I've done so far...

1) Stopped writing anything on his facebook or liking anything...I even untagged myself on anything he tagged me on...I'm also trying to cut down on facebook messages, even though that's my form of communication with classmates...since no one uses AIM or picks up the phone anymore...

 

2) I rarely sit with him in school (outside of class)...and if I need to ask him something I go over to him and then go back to sit down where I'm sitting or I txt him....

 

3) I'm working on txting him less...but that is the main way we communicate to begin with....