nathan23 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 hi everybody how do i deal with a separtion from wife of 12 years when after 1 1/2 months i think that she may be seeing someone else. there are signs there like driving 2 hours away to go "shopping" & never bring her mobile phone into my place. i have told her that the whole separation was my fault because i did'nt pay her enough attention. am on anti depresants and am getting help for my mental health. we still talk a lot (mostly beause i make the effort) and still see each other regularly but she says that she does not want me back. is there any way i can make her fall in love with me again, i feel hollow without her and i keep getting mixed messages from her.
worldgonewrong Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 she says that she does not want me back. i keep getting mixed messages from her. Read what your wrote, brother. That top line doesn't read like a mixed message to me. I'm in no way minimizing how you feel, btw.
Author nathan23 Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 She also lets me hug her and spend time with her as a family can't help to think maybe it's an excuse or am i just deusional
Author nathan23 Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 Hi Coopster yes we have two children together and i know she has made freinds with another man but is anything happening i'm not sure but it scares the hell out of me. Just want to show her that i can be the man i once was but don't know if i can do that with someone else in the picture (from her side). any more advice would be great as this situation is doing me head in.
elfman Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 (edited) Hey Nathan, I am going through a separation myself. Still not sure about OM, but there might be one. I was married for 10 years. I am going through the same feeling roller-coaster that you are, but what has worked recently is the NC rule. You have to break off all non-essential (kid-related) contact, why? Ok, look at it this way: - Your wife may be having an affair with a man, and may not be sure (or maybe she is sure) of his lover for her / her love for him. - She is saying she does not want you back, but still she "needs" to talk to you, hugs and kisses, etc. - You are not gaining anything by this behavior, mainly because if she is confused, or if there is the slightest chance that she doesn't want to "fully" leave you because she is unsure of the OM or any other reasons, you are still suffering like a bastard when it comes right down to it. My advice, tell her that, however bad you have acted, you have already apologized, and that you will not be waiting for her forever. Tell her, as much as her, you need your space to get your life back together, make her see you can do this, and make sure she understands that you intend to. I personally would NEVER forgive my wife if she has OM. I may be the last to find out, but I have this gut feeling that there might be one, so if there is, and I find out, I'm out to an attorney to defend myself and my kids. Hope everything turns out for the best for you. E. Edited March 23, 2012 by elfman Misspelling 1
Jstub Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 The cheating partner plays that game a lot. Contact you, talk to you every day, hug you tell you that they love you but are confused etc. In my opinion, it's just because they want to make THEMSELVES feel better - as if they are taking care of you. They often say, they are sorry that they hurt you and they feel horrible about it (but not their actual action) - it's just self bull****ting mechanisms for their OWN benefit. Been there, heard it, experiencing it. It's all fake. Don't give her the pleasure of justifying her actions by allowing her to do this. Tell her how you feel ONCE and let it be. If you feel like you made mistakes, tell her you do realize what shortcomings you had and are willing to work on them (that's if you want her back) and that you will not be waiting for her and for all you know, you might not even want her back if she changes her mind and just let it be. There is nothing you can do about it. If she wants to discover what she has with OM, then let her (YOU CAN'T STOP IT). Most of the time, once the high of a new relationship with a new person fades away, reality will kick in and it will probably turn into ****. Remind yourself, would you really want to be with a person that is not sure if they want to be with you? I certainly don't, even though it kills me inside sometimes. You can't make her love you. 1
ZacThomas Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Sometimes it helps to converse with a professional counselor together and separately. They can listen and proffer suggestions if the two of you are willing to try to work out your troubles. No one can modify another person or change their mind. A counselor can also assist you and your wife learns about your alternatives and habits to live independently if it comes to that. You need to commune with each other. Both of you have issues and thoughts concerning what might have gone wrong and ideas about how some things can or can't be resolved. If counseling is not wanted or does not help, or if she has already decided the marriage is over, there is nothing you can do but let her go. You both need to try to keep the divorce from getting nasty. Good luck.
hwytech Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I feel ur pain I was married for 14 yrs read my story on here called my wife left and living with another man and give me some advice as for advice for u she's messing with ur head she wants her cake and eat it to put ur focus on the kids she will c the change in u
worldgonewrong Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 put ur focus on the kids she will c the change in u Whether or not she appreciates that change is a whole 'nother ballgame, however. From what I've read here - and granted, we're an understandably jaded sampling - most wayward spouses don't give a sh_t. 1
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