Question about communications with an ex

[Lionblue92]

Hi everyone,

 

My ex and I broke up a little more that 2 months ago. I was the dumper..dont want to go into details about why but its all on my last thread on here. Anyways since then, about a month after he reached out to make contact...starting with texts, and weve had 2 phone conversations since. He initiates the contact most of the time. We talk as people who still value each other in our lives...and were long distance since were in college. I find myself wondering why he still initiates contact and what not. ANyway I just have a quick question and wanted some insight.

 

Would an ex boyfriend typically tell u to tell your guy friend (that he does not know) that he said "whats up" ?

 

Tonight my ex and I were texting, I told him I saw a movie and he asked me who I went with and I told him my friend ____ (guys name) and since he hadnt responded for a good 25 mins i just ased him how his week has been. And he replied casually telling me how his week was and what he did, and ended it with "tell ____ I said whats up"

 

Idk. Its not that im trying to read into every little thing but its just strange to me that he said this because he does not even know him, in fact he did not have to say anything about him since I changed to a new topic of how his week has been. I know that nobody can read his mind but I just want some opinion on what people think his intention was or i guess "how" he meant that comment to be percieved?

[BoredAgain]

I don't know the details of the relationship/breakup, but it'd probably be a good idea to severely limit communication at this point. It sounds like he might be jealous of this guy (did you get that impression too?). If so, then communication is probably doing him more harm than good whether he realizes it or not.

 

Maybe he's angling for a second chance. Maybe is just trying to make your guy friend worried or jealous. I don't know, but if you don't think he's over things then you might want to go very LC or NC on him for his own good... and your own good too.

[Lionblue92]

That was my first impression... just because of the fact that i expected maybe a no response or an "oh ok" and he would move on to the next topic and avoid it. not "tell him I said whats up" when he does not know him at all...the next possibility would be that he genuinely wanted to me to tell him whats up but how weird would that be from any person. My friend would be like...um...dont know him..

[Lionblue92]

Any guy opinions or insight?

[rootless]

I'm a guy.

 

My guess is that your ex thinks you're dating, or otherwise involved with the man you went to to movies with.

 

It's the kind of clipped, snide remark we tend to toss out when we're caught off-guard in a moment of jealously, or pain.

 

I don't know your ex, or you, well enough to read a whole lot into that comment, but my gut-feeling is that your ex hasn't let go.

 

He's either directing the comment at you, as a sort of "nice of you to string me along between dates with whathisface", or he wants you to make whathisface aware of his existence. Kind of a possessive thing-- like, "Hey, movie guy. I used to see her naked. How ya' doin'?"

 

Either way-- be kind and gentle with him.

Sounds like he's not over you.

[Lionblue92]

How likely is it a possibility that he told me to tell him he said what up to show me that hes not phased by the fact that im with my guy friend and thats why he said to tell him that. Or is jealousy more likely?

[rootless]

How likely is it a possibility that he told me to tell him he said what up to show me that hes not phased by the fact that im with my guy friend and thats why he said to tell him that. Or is jealousy more likely?

 

This probably doesn't help, but that's a distinct possibility too.

The odds are probably even, either way.

 

It's next to impossible to speculate about this stuff.

It's one of the things that makes breaking up so difficult-- the uncertainty, and the degenerative effect it has on communication.

 

You thought you understood this person, and all of a sudden, you're never sure where they're coming from.

 

Blech.

 

The only way to know for sure is to ask.

Edited March 14, 2012 by rootless

[Lionblue92]

This probably doesn't help, bit that's a distinct possibility too.

The odds are probably even, either way.

 

It's next to impossible to speculate about this stuff.

It's one of the things that make breaking up so difficult-- the uncertainty, and the degenerative effect it has on communication.

 

You thought you understood this person, and all of a sudden, you're never sure where they're coming from.

 

Blech.

 

The only way to know for sure is to ask.

 

 

No point in asking though. He wants to call me tonight but I try to keep the conversation light. I figure if he still has feelings, which I now he does, then it might be my first conclusion. However he could still feel the same yet want to show me that he is not phased. And the whole break up was about NYE.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/311724-new-years-eve-let-down

[rootless]

No point in asking though. He wants to call me tonight but I try to keep the conversation light. I figure if he still has feelings, which I now he does, then it might be my first conclusion. However he could still feel the same yet want to show me that he is not phased. And the whole break up was about NYE.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/311724-new-years-eve-let-down

 

 

Well, if you guys are still talking frequently, there's definitely *something* there.

 

The $64,000 question is what that *something* is.

 

Could be a sincere desire to reconcile.

Could be a longing for familiarity.

Could be a crutch, or an ego thing.

 

Just be super cautious, please.

For both your sakes.

[Chi townD]

How likely is it a possibility that he told me to tell him he said what up to show me that hes not phased by the fact that im with my guy friend and thats why he said to tell him that. Or is jealousy more likely?

 

That's what he's trying to sell to you; that he's not phased. But, you're not buying it or else you wouldn't have started this thread. He still has feelings for you and to hear that your going to the movies with some other guy hurts! Yet, he's trying to convey that it doesn't (rather poorly). So, are you like, torturing him? Getting some kind of revenge on him by him not spending New Years with you? Why are you still even talking to him if he hurt you that much?

 

I just read your thread on the break up on New Years. Okay, I could understand about being mad about lying about it. But, I have a feeling that if he was honest and told you he was going to hang with his friends on New Years, you would have broken up with him anyway.

 

I strongly advise you to stop talking to him completely. Let him heal from this relationship and move on.

[Lionblue92]

Well, if you guys are still talking frequently, there's definitely *something* there.

 

The $64,000 question is what that *something* is.

 

Could be a sincere desire to reconcile.

Could be a longing for familiarity.

Could be a crutch, or an ego thing.

 

Just be super cautious, please.

For both your sakes.

 

 

Well I can say this. He got this job to work at Cedar Point, then told me I should apply as well...seeing that we are ex's i brushed it off then two weeks later I applied for a sales position there and got the job to work there. He was excited. The simple fact that he really wanted me to apply to work where he works...shows he still has feelings because a lot of guys dont want to see their ex often. Plus since we both dont live in that state we will be sharing different apartments for housing.

 

We probably talk once or twice a week and I dont mean on the phone it could be facebook or texts. Him calling me tmrw is a little different cause our last phone convo was last sunday mar. 4th, recent

[Lionblue92]

That's what he's trying to sell to you; that he's not phased. But, you're not buying it or else you wouldn't have started this thread. He still has feelings for you and to hear that your going to the movies with some other guy hurts! Yet, he's trying to convey that it doesn't (rather poorly). So, are you like, torturing him? Getting some kind of revenge on him by him not spending New Years with you? Why are you still even talking to him if he hurt you that much?

 

I just read your thread on the break up on New Years. Okay, I could understand about being mad about lying about it. But, I have a feeling that if he was honest and told you he was going to hang with his friends on New Years, you would have broken up with him anyway.

 

I strongly advise you to stop talking to him completely. Let him heal from this relationship and move on.

 

 

 

 

Your right I still would have broken up with him because the lying was bad..yea but the fact that he didnt want to be with me was worse. I would have respected his decision to not spend it with me more rather than lying however that wouldnt of changed the fact that I wasnt a priority in his life, otherwise we would have been together.

 

And no I honestly am not trying to torture him at all because time and time again when we talk I try not to mention other guys i might be interested in (which arent many at all) and I refrain from bringing up the other sex. And this time around he asked me WHO i went with, so I was honest. Because my guy friend is honestly my guy FRIEND. And a few weeks ago I would have used my girl friends name just to not complicate his feelings or mine. So thats not me trying to make him jealous at all.

[rootless]

So thats not me trying to make him jealous at all.

 

That may not be your intention, but it's highly likely that's what's happening.

 

It's entirely possible that your ex is going through the wringer right now.

 

And I can speak from first-hand experience that it's an absolutely MISERABLE place to be.

 

If you know he's not over it, and you have no intention of getting back together with him, you really have an obligation to leave him alone and let him heal in peace.

 

It's the only decent thing to do.

 

And if you're not sure how you feel-- the answer's the same.

 

If you're even entertaining the thought of seeing other guys, as you alluded to, you need to cut your ex loose.

 

To do otherwise is just selfish and cruel.

 

Losing you is payback enough for his lying.

 

Willingly prolonging his pain, if he's not over you, goes beyond karma, or restitution.

It makes YOU look bad.

Not him.

Edited March 14, 2012 by rootless

[Chi townD]

Your right I still would have broken up with him because the lying was bad..yea but the fact that he didnt want to be with me was worse. I would have respected his decision to not spend it with me more rather than lying however that wouldnt of changed the fact that I wasnt a priority in his life, otherwise we would have been together.

 

And no I honestly am not trying to torture him at all because time and time again when we talk I try not to mention other guys i might be interested in (which arent many at all) and I refrain from bringing up the other sex. And this time around he asked me WHO i went with, so I was honest. Because my guy friend is honestly my guy FRIEND. And a few weeks ago I would have used my girl friends name just to not complicate his feelings or mine. So thats not me trying to make him jealous at all.

 

YOU know that the guy you went with is just a FRIEND, but let's be honest. If the guy still has feelings for you you can try to sell the "friend" thing until the cows come home and he still wouldn't believe it. EVEN if that was the truth. The heart over-rules common sense a lot of the times.

 

Okay, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you. This guy sounds like a really nice guy that made a stupid mistake. And even I think his mistake isn't really that stupid. It's okay to spend time away from your partner every once in a while. It's actually healthy to do so. It can be really unhealthy to spend every waking minute with your partner. He just choose the wrong day to do it. Hell, even the professionals will tell you that it's healthy to spend a little time apart. I mean, Look at some others peoples threads here! People being cheated on by there boyfriends and girlfriends. Guys leaving there wife for someone else. Wives having other mens babies.....what he did was tame compared to some peoples threads here.

 

But, you know what your deal-breakers are not me. I'm not trying to be an ass here. I'm just trying to get you to see things a little differently here. So, I have questions for you. What's your motivation for keeping in contact with him? Do you plan on getting back with him? If the answer is no, then LET HIM GO! Go NC on him and let him heal. If he has no chances with you ever again, then why string him along? Is that fair to you? Is that fair to him?

 

AND now the big question. Do you still have feelings for him?

Edited March 14, 2012 by Chi townD

[Lionblue92]

That may not be your intention, but it's highly likely that's what's happening.

 

It's entirely possible that your ex is going through the wringer right now.

 

And I can speak from first-hand experience that it's an absolutely MISERABLE place to be.

 

If you know he's not over it, and you have no intention of getting back together with him, you really have an obligation to leave him alone and let him heal in peace.

 

It's the only decent thing to do.

 

And if you're not sure how you feel-- the answer's the same.

 

If you're even entertaining the thought of seeing other guys, as you alluded to, you need to cut your ex loose.

 

To do otherwise is just selfish and cruel.

 

Losing you is payback enough for his lying.

 

Willingly prolonging his pain, if he's not over you, goes beyond karma, or restitution.

It makes YOU look bad.

Not him.

 

 

To be honest, im not completely over him and if he does apologize sincerely and he has a hope to get back together with me in the future...I cant say I wouldnt want to work it out as well and maybe try. Otherwise I wouldn't let him keep communication with me and I would not have been as happy as I am to possibly work with him

[Lionblue92]

YOU know that the guy you went with is just a FRIEND, but let's be honest. If the guy still has feelings for you you can try to sell the "friend" thing until the cows come home and he still wouldn't believe it. EVEN if that was the truth. The heart over-rules common sense a lot of the times.

 

Okay, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you. This guy sounds like a really nice guy that made a stupid mistake. And even I think his mistake isn't really that stupid. It's okay to spend time away from your partner every once in a while. It's actually healthy to do so. It can be really unhealthy to spend every waking minute with your partner. He just choose the wrong day to do it. Hell, even the professionals will tell you that it's healthy to spend a little time apart. I mean, Look at some others peoples threads here! People being cheated on by there boyfriends and girlfriends. Guys leaving there wife for someone else. Wives having other mens babies.....what he did was tame compared to some peoples threads here.

 

But, you know what your deal-breakers are not me. I'm not trying to be an ass here. I'm just trying to get you to see things a little differently here. So, I have questions for you. What's your motivation for keeping in contact with him? Do you plan on getting back with him? If the answer is no, then LET HIM GO! Go NC on him and let him heal. If he has no chances with you ever again, then why string him along? Is that fair to you? Is that fair to him?

 

AND now the big question. Do you still have feelings for him?

 

 

I still have feelings for him. and no i disagree severely because IN MY CASE we were in LONG distance relationship...our little winter break was our time together we planned to spend new years for months I told him how much I couldnt wait and he said **** my feelings. Even though we have made contact time to time he has yet to bring that up and apologize but he wants to talk time and time again anyway...so yeah

[Chi townD]

I still have feelings for him. and no i disagree severely because IN MY CASE we were in LONG distance relationship...our little winter break was our time together we planned to spend new years for months I told him how much I couldnt wait and he said **** my feelings. Even though we have made contact time to time he has yet to bring that up and apologize but he wants to talk time and time again anyway...so yeah

 

....so what. What do you want?

[Lionblue92]

An apology would be nice...remorse. But I get the impression hes showing remorse through his actions by keeping in contact. But actual words starting with what i did to our relationship was wrong im sorry i hurt you..w/e..the boy knows I loved him. Im still hurt by what he did but I cant cut off communication now that hes initiated so many times. Because I still cherish what we shared.

[Chi townD]

To be honest, im not completely over him and if he does apologize sincerely and he has a hope to get back together with me in the future...I cant say I wouldnt want to work it out as well and maybe try. Otherwise I wouldn't let him keep communication with me and I would not have been as happy as I am to possibly work with him

 

I think I'm reading about the two most stubborn people on the planet. Look, you have feelings for him and you're pretty sure he has feelings for you. HOWEVER, you hurt him and he hurt you;YET, there's a chance for a relationship to happen if you get an apology. HOWEVER! Since you two are broken up and are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend he really isn't anything to you anymore, so what's the motivation for the apology? the damage is done. You're no longer together. What is an apology gonna solve in his eyes? Aside from it being the right thing to do and the mature thing to do is to offer an apology, he probably thinks what good is it going to do? She still dumped me without even a chance to make things right! Lost cause...

 

Okay, I think it's time to put the big girl pants on and have "the talk" I mean seriously TALK. He may have thought that what he did wasn't a big deal, but you have to convey that it was a VERY BIG DEAL to you! You have to tell him that it hurt you sooo deeply that you thought the right thing to do at the time was to end it. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret and it may result in me getting my man card revoked and pay a penalty on my union dues but here it is. Guys are stupid. There I said it. Sometimes you have to point out the obvious to a guy. Then, I think that's when you'll get your apology. If I did something like this, my wife would be sure enough to point out my mistakes rather loudly and frequently! But, she wouldn't divorce me over it. Yeah, tons of flowers and a weekend getaway to a B&B at Macinaw Island would probably be what she would require for forgiveness, but she would make me pay and remember rather than dump me.

 

This is a very viable relationship that is missing a VERY key component and that's communication!!! I think that you need to bite the bullet and have a CALM and intellegent conversation on what happened and what you two need to do to fix it. NO raised voices AT ALL! If you are considering getting back with him, I strongly reccommend couples counseling so you two can learn how to communicate better. That would have to be your condition and don't back down from that......just think about it.

[rootless]

I think I'm reading about the two most stubborn people on the planet. Look, you have feelings for him and you're pretty sure he has feelings for you. HOWEVER, you hurt him and he hurt you;YET, there's a chance for a relationship to happen if you get an apology. HOWEVER! Since you two are broken up and are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend he really isn't anything to you anymore, so what's the motivation for the apology? the damage is done. You're no longer together. What is an apology gonna solve in his eyes? Aside from it being the right thing to do and the mature thing to do is to offer an apology, he probably thinks what good is it going to do? She still dumped me without even a chance to make things right! Lost cause...

 

Okay, I think it's time to put the big girl pants on and have "the talk" I mean seriously TALK. He may have thought that what he did wasn't a big deal, but you have to convey that it was a VERY BIG DEAL to you! You have to tell him that it hurt you sooo deeply that you thought the right thing to do at the time was to end it. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret and it may result in me getting my man card revoked and pay a penalty on my union dues but here it is. Guys are stupid. There I said it. Sometimes you have to point out the obvious to a guy. Then, I think that's when you'll get your apology. If I did something like this, my wife would be sure enough to point out my mistakes rather loudly and frequently! But, she wouldn't divorce me over it. Yeah, tons of flowers and a weekend getaway to a B&B at Macinaw Island would probably be what she would require for forgiveness, but she would make me pay and remember rather than dump me.

 

This is a very viable relationship that is missing a VERY key component and that's communication!!! I think that you need to bite the bullet and have a CALM and intellegent conversation on what happened and what you two need to do to fix it. NO raised voices AT ALL! If you are considering getting back with him, I strongly reccommend couples counseling so you two can learn how to communicate better. That would have to be your condition and don't back down from that......just think about it.

 

I totally agree... If you can't even talk about it, you're not going to capable of DOING it.

 

Silence breeds dysfunction.

 

No one's telepathic.

 

If you don't share your wants and needs and expectations, they will NEVER be met.

 

It's scary as hell sometimes, but you HAVE to be open.

You have to be brave enough to be vulnerable.

You have to be honest and clear about what you want.

You need to communicate your convictions and then stick to them.

 

Otherwise, you're doomed.

[Lionblue92]

You two are right about having that talk that we need to have soon enough. He told me yesterday he was going to call me tonight shortly after that conversation, but he didn't. I think he completely forgot in fact.

 

One other question, what could have been his possible response if he sincerely didnt care that it was a guy?

[Chi townD]

I couldn't tell you. You know him; I don't. You know what his typical responses are. Obviously, he gave you a response that you couldn't make heads or tails from, so you started a thread to get peoples opinion.

 

You really have to nail this guy down if you want to have the talk with him. Just bite the bullet. Tell him how you feel and you're thinking of working things out with him (with certain conditions) and if he tells you that he's not interested in working things out, then no harm, no foul. But, then you need to go complete NC with this guy.