i am the dumper, a female commitment phobe,and i made a huge mistake :(

[mike588]

mike- she very well might have... i see alot of people on here asking if the dumper ever feels guilty. well, in my case its so much guilt i can hardly see straight. i will say though.. when i was alot younger.. i dated a guy who treated me very well-but i simply didnt feel the same.. and i broke up with him. i had no feelings of guilt or remorse after that relationship, even when he moved on to another girl, i just didnt have any emotion for him, im guessing bc i wasnt in love with him. i think with this guy, i really loved him, and am realizing what i have lost.

 

westrock- i know where you are going with this.. and you have hit the nail on the head. my relationship with my mother is great- she is incredible. without going into detail- my father was horrific and basically had a whole other family that i tracked down and witnessed before my mother finally divorced him. i havent seen or spoken to him in years. :(

 

I wondered that too if the dumper ever feels guilty. Mine dumped me for her ex. and I though she never really had any deep feelings/love for me but after her emails of her saying several times she's so sorry...full of regrets...feels like a big jerk and acknowledging how well I treated her....well I finally believe her.

 

I was comforting to hear that.

[LSgirl]

I hope my ex thinks the same way you do. He sent me a text 6 days post breakup saying how ashamed he felt, how disgusted he was with himself and that I deserved better and how great I was. Although, I don't think he wants to make it work with me and we are done. Speaking of The Secret, as I read your last reply, I'm currently watching on Hulu for free a video on it lol

Hulu - The Source of the Secret - Watch the full movie now.

[smokey bear]

Hopeful83, your going to be ok. Welcome to the board

[westrock]

westrock- i know where you are going with this.. and you have hit the nail on the head. my relationship with my mother is great- she is incredible. without going into detail- my father was horrific and basically had a whole other family that i tracked down and witnessed before my mother finally divorced him. i havent seen or spoken to him in years. :(

 

You need to explore this with your therapist. This is very likely one of the root causes of what you were experiencing with your recent relationship. Until you resolve your feelings about what happened with your father, it is very likely that every time you try to enter into a romantic relationship, no matter how well the guy treats you, your past unresolved feelings will be triggered.

 

When we are exposed to the breakdown of our parents relationship, I believe what happens is that we begin to doubt our own ability to assess whether or not a relationship is healthy.

 

For whatever reason I was afraid of a future with him.. maybe his openness about his feelings for me pushed him away. I played head games and was unstable for the whole relationship, even though deep down I really loved him.

 

I think the bolded part above is very important.

 

When we try to enter into our own romantic relationships our past unresolved emotional experiences get triggered. Someone can literally be "perfect" to us, but since we do not trust our own assessment abilities and our past emotional hurts keep getting triggered, the result is that emotionally we are afraid that our current partner will end up just like our parents relationship which is too painful for us. As soon as that occurs, we push the person away as a defence mechanism.

 

The guilt comes into play because after we push the person away, the negative feelings are temporarily resolved (or avoided), but our feelings of abandonment are triggered. However, as an adult, intellectually we recognize that the person treats us well and as such we believe we are the cause of the abandonment as a result of our own actions.

 

To your credit, you have a lot going for you

- you are in therapy

- you recognize your issues

- you are posting here sharing your story

[rAFC]

westrock- i know where you are going with this.. and you have hit the nail on the head. my relationship with my mother is great- she is incredible. without going into detail- my father was horrific and basically had a whole other family that i tracked down and witnessed before my mother finally divorced him. i havent seen or spoken to him in years. :(

 

I think you should consider seeing a therapist about this. You seem to have a fear of commitment based on your experiences with your father. A therapist can help you work through this and give you the chance at having a normal, healthy relationship.

[hotloader]

I think you should consider seeing a therapist about this. You seem to have a fear of commitment based on your experiences with your father. A therapist can help you work through this and give you the chance at having a normal, healthy relationship.

 

Ah man, I get so tired of all the excuses. I grew up in a household where I was beaten bloody by my father for not tying my shoes the right way. It was a domestic violence orgy the whole way around the horn, and I've never mimicked my father's (or mother's) behavior in my adult life, nor did it have one iota of influence over me. I also don't blame anything that goes wrong in my life on either one of them.

[RR1]

I felt the need to respond to this thread because it sounds really similar to an experience that i had so i wanted to pass on my thoughts.

 

First of all you should put things in perspective, there are many reasons why relationships fail and for me the worst is when someone cheats and then lies about it. Once that happens you'll never be able to trust that person again so it's pretty much game over as far as i'm concerned although i do accept that people's opinion on this differs. Now let's look at your situation: did you cheat on him and then lie to him? No you didn't, your worst crime was messed him about a bit because you appear to have trust and communication issues due to past experience. You admit yourself that you actually really did love him and it seems that he loved you very much as well. This relationship broke down due to a lack of communication rather than anything terminal with the relationship itself. It seems a shame let it go without least trying to put things right. Maybe if you explained the situation to him more of the pieces would drop into place for him and the situation would be clearer for him. You say that you are having therapy to try and get over these issues, well maybe explain this to him, if he does indeed love you he'll be more than happy to try and help you through the process and be supportive whilst you are going through it.

 

I don't really buy there's no second chances philosophy, sometimes there isn't but many times there are. It depends on you and whether you want to give it a try, and also the same for him as well. I think the worst thing would not even be to try. As the great Muhammad Ali once said: "there's no shame in going down, it's staying down that's wrong". You'll have the rest of your life to ponder your mistakes but only a limited amount of time to try and put things right. If he really does love you i can't think of a better person to help you through the healing process, don't waste the opportunity because it sounds like you are really regretting how things turned out. If you try and it doesn't work out at least you'll know, it'll be much harder sitting there wondering if it could be salvaged but you sat back and let the chance go. Get up and give it a go. You don't know when, or even if, someone will come along again who loved you that much. You don't want to get to the end of your life and and sit back and regret how you let the love of your life slip through your fingers. It maybe that this person is not destined to be with you all your life but even if not you might get a few years with a person you really love you'll be much richer for the experience.

 

Why not try initiating some low commitment contact? Send him an email or text and suggest going for a coffee and try and get an idea for how he feels about it. Explain the problems you've been having. Remember the problem here was lack of communication as much as anything. If nothing comes well it won't be any worse that it is now. In short there's much to gain and very little to lose by trying.

 

Anyway, there's my thoughts on the subject, hope they were of some benefit.

[Hopeful83]

RR1... thank you so much for your insight! i would absolutely love to talk to him and try to communicate a little.. however- once our very upsetting breakup occured... he started dating someone very soon thereafter (many people say rebound) but this girl is a mutual aquaintance- and honestly she is an absolutely wonderful girl. its hard for me to say that being in the position i am in, but ive realized sometimes when you really love someone.. you step back and endure pain so they can be happy. whether this girl is a rebound or not- i do not want to interfere at all because i think she is a better fit than i ever was... i know she likes him so so much.. and i was wishy washy and unstable. i dont want to ever hurt him again, and even though i am so hopeful for my future after therapy and really looking at myself and how i have treated him... im afraid its too much of a risk on the chance that i would hurt him again. i am so upset, but i am praying that whatever is meant to be will be.. be it him ending up happily with her- or me finding my way, getting help, and maybe getting a second chance in time.

my last conversation with him was so very sweet.. with both told each other how much we loved each other- but that this was not the right time. i told him i was not going to get in the way of his relationship with her. he deserves to be happy- and i put him through hell ofr 7 months. i just hope and pray i am doing the right thing here- i spent so many months doing the wrong thing. thanks again for your words. it is so helpful talking about this.

[RR1]

We all make mistakes but if he realises you are admitting it there maybe a chance. Do you know for sure he is in a relationship with this girl and they are happy together? It certainly sounds like a rebound. He was obviously feeling hurt and then just when he's feeling hurt and low she comes along, it's not hard to see why they got together, that doesn't necessarily make it the right thing for him. That's why i suggested a low commitment contact like going for a coffee or something. You can say you wanted to apologise and that's all. While you are there he may well talk about his current situation, if it all sounds as though things are going well then back off and leave him to it but if not then the possibility maybe there for another go. They might not even be still together. If you can't face seeing him then maybe just send an apologetic email. If they are not together anymore he may suggest a get together but if not then nothing lost.

 

I can honestly say i really don't know what's the right thing to do. Maybe you're right and you should leave well alone but the fact that you are here talking about it suggests you have doubts and would like a second chance. I really don't know. You at least sound as though you are learning from your mistakes which is good. Whatever you decide good luck with it and don't let people give you a hard time. If you walked away with no guilt or remorse then you probably wouldn't deserve a second chance but the fact that you have acknowledged it means that deep down you are worth a second chance if it comes. Hope all goes well for you.

[stimson554]

so, you made a huge mistake, but you don't want him back? what exactly is the point of this thread, to wallow in pity for a man who you obviously are not over and who has obviously moved on, or to just get touchy feely responses out of people to deal with the pain? i don't see much point in it, there isn't anything to be done here except for you to just forget about it. lets stop all this sympathetic crap for the dumper and the dumpee, while the dumper wants to move on because they have their own issues to deal with the dumpee should respect that, but im tired of the dumper attacking the dumpee full force with "your pushing me away with your neediness and feelings", of course they are sad, You DUMPED them, do you expect them to be overjoyed and bright eyed? no it simply isn't realistic just like their expectations for you. look at both sides and appreciate where both sides are coming from.

[leoc1973]

Ugh some of this stuff is driving me nuts. I agree with hot loader even tho he wasn't very tactful with his approach. I have an ex that told me we were soulmates and all that other stuff. She still dumped me. The reason relationships don't work in my opinion is because one person or both just didn't love the other enough.

 

If anyone has seen the movie "the mexican" she asks brad pitt when 2 people are really in love then when is enough, enough? And he answers "never" I agree with this. You will say what if one cheated or was abusive but that goes right back to that person not loving the other enough to keep their penis out of another woman or stop hitting her.

 

Anyways the only reason she wants him back is because he did exactly what 99% of us on this forum don't do. He said ok and went out and got another girl. Now she is freaking out. My ex over the last 10 months did this to me over and over. I would start dating a girl and she would just reappear as if by magic telling me how much she loved and missed me and it ruined my feelings for the new girl every time. I haven't heard from my ex in 2 months and soon as I start seeing my newest girl. guess who reappears out of nowhere. Yep the ex.

 

OP I am telling you the only reason you want him back is because someone else has him. if you got him back you would probably dump him again very quickly. If you truely loved him and I mean really loved him. Then you would be begging him to settle down. He is probably perfect on paper but your spark for him simply isn't there. Find a guy who takes your breath away and you will know what I am talking about!

 

And when I hear that meant to be stuff I cringe! Really? You think there is some cosmic power that goes through the whole 7 billion people on this planet and puts us all who we are supposed to be with? Come on we make our own destiny!

[Woggle]

Chances are this is only bothering you because he found somebody else.

[Me...IamMe]

Just remember that Pride is self seeking. Hence, I I I I . That is what you keep saying. I need to grow up. The true sense of love is without self. A soldier in a fox hole jumping on a grenade for his comrade is love. A father going to a ****ty job everyday to support his family is love. Some people never will experience true love because they will never be able to let go of self. Love is patient, love is kind, it is not self seeking, it holds no records of wrong. It always hopes and always perserveers. If you do not have this for this man nor can you let go of your self. Let him go, or you will end up becoming a Narcissist. Void of empathy. God has the real someone for you when you grow up spiritually, not just physically or socially, or economically, or even mentally. Love comes from the spirit. Peace out.

[Pens55]

Hopeful, dont worry, some of us see where you are coming from. Like I said, this was not my own issue, but that of an ex. I believe she has these feelings at about the same (maybe a little bit worse) as you.

 

I agree with the sentiments to explore this in therapy. While you own your decision to walk away from him, it seems due to an underlying issue that isnt really under your control (at this point). I've always likened the situation to my fear of flying...I can say I am going to do it, but when actually faced with it, there is no way in hell I am getting on that plane. So you love this guy, but your subconsious fear response kicks in and says "No I cannot do this, I need to run."

 

In therapy, you can explore why you have this panic, and what you can do to trigger it. It is a learned response, and you can unlearn it as well.

 

If/when you can move past this issue and if you decide to persue a reconcilliation with your ex, explaining it as best you can would be a good idea. Sometimes it is hard for someone who has never felt this to understand...but if he is worth it, he will TRY to understand and accept that you were not acting out of malice, but simply had an issue to deal with

[gotye]

Every single woman I've ever been romantically involved with could have written this. Wow. You're so brave and independent to not only have realized that you're a psychological cancer to every man you come in contact with, but to share it here with everyone as well. Bravo Hopeful83, Bravo!

 

I hope your ex-boyfriend remains your ex-boyfriend, and has absolutely nothing to do with you in the future. If you have even the slightest iota of decency and empathy, you'd spare him the indignity of wasting another second of his life in your presence. Women like you absolutely disgust me to the point where it almost makes me physically ill. I guess you can at least take comfort in the knowledge that most of your gender is every bit as depraved, vicious, and downright psychotic as you are these days. At least's you've got plenty of company.

 

You make me sick.

maybe there's a reason you are these girls' ex... you pretend you are a nice guy but sound like a real tool bag

[RR1]

Yes i would have to echo Pen's comments. Unfortunately some people feel the need to kick people when they are down and asking for help, that's a shame but probably say's more about them than it does the OP.

At least Hopeful is big enough and now mature enough to admit to her mistakes which is why i said she is worth a second shot. Everyone is worth a second go if they can admit to their mistakes. It's at least worth checking the situation out to see what's what. Hopeful said now is not the right time but i reckon that's the part of her talking that made her push him away in the first place, she's frightened that it may not work and she'll end up disappointed again and that's probably a scary thought. However, there is way's of doing it gradually to lessen the risk and the first is to ascertain exactly what the situation is. This whole situation came about not because she was a nasty and vindictive individual but because she has problems with trust and communication. She's working on them so where's the harm in just making contact. As i said before i don't have the answers and i can only say it how i see it and i see two people who were very attached to each other and somehow managed to split up for the wrong reasons.

I ended up in a similar situation which is why i felt the need to contribute to this thread. I've often thought what a waste, even when we split up i had this numb feeling that we were doing it for all the wrong reasons and have spent the rest of my time regretting it. When i split with my gf before her all i could think was what a relief that's over, i was so glad it was over. But i never had that feeling with her, just a deep feeling of regret and wishing i could have tried again, i got the feeling that she felt the same as well so therefore we split for all the wrong reasons. This is why i suggested to Hopeful to at least try, nothing worse than regret, it's a horrible feeling. To have tried and failed is one thing but to not try at all is much worse.

[hotloader]

maybe there's a reason you are these girls' ex... you pretend you are a nice guy but sound like a real tool bag

 

Damn, you really put me in my place didn't you?

[Hopeful83]

hey everyone i would like to give a little update to this thread.. thanks o everyone who weighed in their opinions and advice!! many months have passed and much has changed in my life.. I have gotten into weekly therapy (whoever recommended this thank you!!!! i am FLOORED at how a good therapist can help!!) Yet I have still not gotten over the ex and how I treated him. I recently found out I have had a recurrence of a very rare brain tumor, so my life focus is at a different place. The ex has reached out to me a few times over the past weeks... and it has been very upsetting to me and I would love any insight if you all don't mind...

He has said that he is feeling that his gf was a rebound and he rushed things and is now realizing that he simply doesnt feel the same way about her. He says that he cares about her as a person but the relationship feels like a 'business deal' to him because he desires a family etc so much and she will do all of that for him. This is a man that desperatly wants a family and stability and a serious relationship, his issue with me was always that I didnt know what I want etc. He was crying and very upset when we spoke saying that he cared for me deeply and was concerned about me. We talked about second chances and what would have to happen between us to make a relaionship work etc.

This is all very upsetting and confusing for me right now. I have not been able to move on from him yet. I do not want a relationship with him right now (for obvious health reasons, right now my concern is getting well) I want to be physically and emotionally able to handle it all. And further more it upset me that he would tell me those things will still being in a relationship with her?! I have no idea the status of there relationship or what.. but should it concern me that he said he still loved me? If we ever do get a second chance, i want things to be different, i am working har on myself to resolve the issues that caused the breakup in the first place. Could this be a true rebound situation where he simply doesnt love her? My concern is how could he still be with her if that were the case? I am so confused and want no part of someone breaking up with someone... but for me this is very upsetting. He is not trying to get with me while he is with her, he has made that very clear. He likes stable relationships... i am just confused at all of this.

I do feel he truly loved me when we were together, i never doubted his love for a second. It was me that caused the instability in our relationship, thank you all for any advice!!! merry christmas everyone!!

[hopefullove]

Hello Hopeful83 haha this is hopefullove.

 

I'm in the situation of your ex - but it's my commitment phobic ex-boyfriend who ran away from me, so I am in your ex's position except i doubt my ex is as self aware as you... or at least gotten to the point to seek help. i commend you for looking for help for yourself. His was also routed in childhood too - father. He will acknowledge that but I doubt want to change. I also love him dearly, and he wants me to move on and find happiness, he said i deserve to be treated better (I always get mad at that, because, why can't you just treat me better!). He says the same thing like you, like we can't be together right now, maybe in the future, don't know what the future will be, but right now, it can't be like this...

 

When we broke up, he refused to talk about what happened, and when i wanted to talk about it, he would stress out and shut down and get angry and refuse to talk. I don't know if you were like that.

 

He has told me that he is guilty, like it meant a big thing that he is guilty, and that he is not going to forget me, like that's a big deal too. He also has had a lot of relationships that he ran from, and prior to me, a broken engagement.

 

As for my insight to your situation: Well I rushed into a rebound situation too.. my ex kept telling me to move on, and I wanted to move on too, so i forced myself to, met someone went out and kinda went along with the whole thing... i went on dating sites, trying my best to move on...i was entertaining for a second and then i realized that I am not even close to being over my ex in any capacity. i also picked a guy who just got out of a relationship and was an emotional mess himself so we would both know we were a rebound thing...anyway, after a few dates, i told this guy he shouldn't be dating and i shouldnt be dating..

 

I mean as the person dumped by the CP. i still love him soooo much but i am so angry as well. Angry that, if you knew you were like this, why did you drag me along with your charade and let me fall so deep in love with you. Then i think about the actual deep amazing connection we both shared and i am scared that i will never feel that way again. Maybe it's all still too fresh. Maybe you need more time to pass. To me, at some point there could have been a quick reconciliation, but now, after everything has come out... it can't be the same relationship... because it will fail... it's hard... you have these feelings and memories of such an intense love with someone, but it has to start anew. Myself, as much as i love my CP with all my heart and I can't let go myself, sometimes i am not ready to forgive the hurt, the pain, the deceit, i think if it is worth it, and i think will i be foolish to let myself be hurt like that again. Cus now I'm scared..who knows if you are going to run away again and break his heart and soul. and I don't know how compatible the girl your ex found is with him, maybe if i met someone more compatible with me, i would still be seeing him and not distancing myself like i have with my rebound guy... i think in relationships with CP's there is a lot of hurt...I dont know if you lead him to believe that he could have a stable family life with you, cus mine did... that's why i felt deceived.

 

I dont know friend. you are doing yourself and your future love a huge favour by getting help tho, that self awareness and maturity will get you to a successful relationship in the future. Men and women are different in relationships too. I dont know why he is with another girl right now while he still loves you, cept I was too, and for me, i was trying to get over him and trying my best to move on. You don't want a relationship with him right now but you want him to be alone?