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i am the dumper, a female commitment phobe,and i made a huge mistake :(

Hopeful83

By Hopeful83
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Hopeful83 Member

Hopeful83

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I read all of these stories on here and am thankful I am not alone.. but I am for some reason a little different. I had a wonderful boyfriend who is cute funny successful and wasnt shy about expressing his love for me. The problem? For whatever reason I was afraid of a future with him.. maybe his openness about his feelings for me pushed him away. I played head games and was unstable for the whole relationship, even though deep down I really loved him. I havent dated alot and hes is older and has much more experience than me.. m aybe that played a role- who knows. We fought all of the time- but had great passion for one another and a deep connection... I broke up with him 6 weeks ago.... And within a week he had another gf. I dont blame him a bit. She is kind and beautiful and personality wise is a much better fit. I have initiated NC because I dont want to mess up his life anymore- I am devastated.. but I truly want him to be happy with someone who is stable and devoted to him. But now- I am in so much pain over this- i dont know if this is heartbreak? Or the realization of losing something so wonderful?

I spend my days dreaming of a second chance.. but do people that were incompatible ever become compatible ? I dont want to get back with him right now- i need time to grow up more. He is ready to settle down. I am not. But I love him so much. We have only spoken once since NC- He called me crying saying that I was the love of his life and he was having a devastating time moving on- but we couldnt try for us anymore because I wasnt ready to settle down (which is true). I feel so broken. Sigh.

wilsonx Established Member

wilsonx

Posted
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You are different. You are honest with yourself! You DIDNT make a mistake!

 

You both want 2 different things. You arent ready to settle down, he is.

 

He found somebody that that wants to settle down with him. You should be happy for yourself and him. He is going to be happy and you did the right thing for both of you

 

Down the road you are going to be ready to settle down and will meet someone that will be ready for you. Then you will be happy for you and he will too.

 

Keep your chin up, we all understand your heartache and how difficult this is for you

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Hopeful83 Member

Hopeful83

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so now i stand back.. hoping to not hurt him anymore and praying he will find the happiness he so deserves with her... while i feel like a part of me is dying inside....wondering if ill ever meet anyone who loved me like him... and wondering why the hell i didnt open my eyes more to what was right in front of my face. i pray to all that is good in the world.. that i will mature.. and when i am ready to settle down.. maybe he wont have settled down yet. unrealistic i know.. but i guess that glimmer of hope hangs on :(

wilsonx Established Member

wilsonx

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You never know what the future may bring! :)

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Hopeful83 Member

Hopeful83

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thank you so much wilson. i so apprieciate you kind words. its so weird.. feeling so much pain.. and desperately wanting to be with him- i feel like i want him as much as i want air- but we both know it just isnt right right now.

Frank13 Established Member

Frank13

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I had a wonderful boyfriend who is cute funny successful and wasnt shy about expressing his love for me. The problem? For whatever reason I was afraid of a future with him.. maybe his openness about his feelings for me pushed him away.

 

Guys take note. Go to the "Coping" forum and you will read posts from women who were treated like crap by their ex yet the are still in love with him.

 

Then we have Hopeful who had a good guy and his feelings pushed her away.

 

I see many, many more women having a hard time getting over an ex who treated them like crap.

 

To quote "The Art of Seduction", "Wounding people binds them to you more deeply than kindness".

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minee Member

minee

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No offense, but women who can't get over men who literally treat them like crap have much more emotional and mental issues going on.. something beyond the relationship.

xKitty Member

xKitty

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I broke up with him 6 weeks ago.... And within a week he had another gf.

 

did he really love you as much as you said he did?

hotloader Established Member

hotloader

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did he really love you as much as you said he did?

 

I wouldn't read too much into that. It's called a "rebound".

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hotloader Established Member

hotloader

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Posted
I read all of these stories on here and am thankful I am not alone.. but I am for some reason a little different. I had a wonderful boyfriend who is cute funny successful and wasnt shy about expressing his love for me. The problem? For whatever reason I was afraid of a future with him.. maybe his openness about his feelings for me pushed him away. I played head games and was unstable for the whole relationship, even though deep down I really loved him.

 

Every single woman I've ever been romantically involved with could have written this. Wow. You're so brave and independent to not only have realized that you're a psychological cancer to every man you come in contact with, but to share it here with everyone as well. Bravo Hopeful83, Bravo!

 

I hope your ex-boyfriend remains your ex-boyfriend, and has absolutely nothing to do with you in the future. If you have even the slightest iota of decency and empathy, you'd spare him the indignity of wasting another second of his life in your presence. Women like you absolutely disgust me to the point where it almost makes me physically ill. I guess you can at least take comfort in the knowledge that most of your gender is every bit as depraved, vicious, and downright psychotic as you are these days. At least's you've got plenty of company.

 

You make me sick.

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Hopeful83 Member

Hopeful83

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frank- you have an interesting point- i have dated men who treated me like crap.. an sometimes it would take YEARS to get over them. and they were absolutely horrible. Then i get with this one- he has been the kindest boyfriend i have ever ever had- and i treat him like crap- but first the first time in my dating history- i am seriously having a hard time dealing with the way i treated him... i am trying to decipher what i am going through.. i think at the end of the day i just truly loved him- and i am only seeing that now that he is gone. this is one of those instances where you truly dont know what you had until its not there anymore.

kitty-i havent dated alot.. but ive dated enough to know which guys really care an which ones didnt.. this one was like nothing i have ever seen before. i cant even begin with all this kind things he did for me- and was so supportive of everything about me. I can only pray that i will be a different girl after this. and that someday- somewhere- i will meet someone who loves me close to the way this one did.

One of the reasons i know how deep his feelings were- after we broke up.. i told him i was going to come see him (and without getting TMI.. have some no strings attached fun). He said NO. because he said that would live us in an unstable place- and if i couldnt commit to him and know that i would be there after we slept together- that he just couldnt do it bc he cared so much. now i dont know about yall.. but in my life.. i havent met too many men who turned down a roll in the hay bc of emotional attachments. :(

I have never ever felt so much guilt and desperation to go back and be different. but in my heart.. i truly beleive in fate.... and that we eventually end up with the right ones. sometimes timing is off.. and who knows.. we all might get back with our exes in time.. but time is truly the greatest healer.. and i pray every second that it will do what is right here.

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Hopeful83 Member

Hopeful83

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wow hotloader that stings. the reality is i recognize my mistakes. all i can do at this point is recognize it and learn from it. i was horrible and never deserved him. now is my time to grow the hell up and learn about myself.. and try to figure out why i did what i did- so that i wont repeat the same actions. we are all human- we all make mistakes. what ive learned in life.. is its so important to understand where i went wrong, so i can make every effort to fix it. i think the true issue would be.. if i kept doing these horrible things, and never owned up to it. i dont blame you for your harsh words... i deserve them totally. but please understand i am aware of what i have done, and i am trying desperately to help myself.

hotloader Established Member

hotloader

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You never know what the future may bring! :)

 

And YOU are enabling her with this sort of touchy-feely diatribe. Dude, this chick totally broke this guy's heart, who she admittedly "loved", and from where I'm sitting it seems to me that she did it for nothing more than her sheer amusement.

 

I've got a cat. I love him. He's my little buddy. I've had him for twelve years. It would be pretty sick if I decided to put on a scary mask and chase him around the house, or if I sprayed him with a garden hose just for my amusement, right? WHAT THE HELL IS THE DIFFERENCE! This girl is a SICKO! S-I-C-K-O!

freetolove Established Member

freetolove

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Hotloader, it doesn't make sense to take your anger out on her. Maybe you should take a look at yourself and ask why you keep attracting women who treat you like crap.

 

At least 83 is posting on her and not stringing her ex bf along.

hotloader Established Member

hotloader

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wow hotloader that stings. the reality is i recognize my mistakes. all i can do at this point is recognize it and learn from it. i was horrible and never deserved him. now is my time to grow the hell up and learn about myself.. and try to figure out why i did what i did- so that i wont repeat the same actions. we are all human- we all make mistakes.

 

These are things that I'd expect someone to say after getting a speeding ticket, getting too drunk, or flunking out of college. You know....stupid things. What you did wasn't stupid. It was cruel and evil. There's a BIG difference.

 

What you did (in my book at least) is tantamount to maiming someone. You maimed this poor man emotionally, plain and simple. You are an emotional sadist, as are most women in this toilet of a country called America these days. "Cosmo Girls" I like to call you. Ugh. I'm so glad I'm single and I don't have to deal with your crap, I really am. As I said before, you're virtually all the same. If only I could force myself to dig women my grandmother's age........

 

I wish I could take the mind from a woman from that generation, and put it into the body of a woman from mine. That would be the perfect woman. You gals today are just totally psycho. Men are waking up to this fact more and more each day too.

hotloader Established Member

hotloader

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Hotloader, it doesn't make sense to take your anger out on her. Maybe you should take a look at yourself and ask why you keep attracting women who treat you like crap.

 

It's not my anger I'm taking out on her. I feel sorry for the poor guy who she devastated, because I'm an empathetic person. Empathy and accountability for one's own actions are what is totally lacking in modern women. Period.

 

Also you just don't f__k with people's emotions like she did. It's downright wrong, and she deserves every last bit of criticism that comes her way. Sugarcoating things will only validate her actions for her, and she'll go out and pull the same $hit on the next guy. She came here asking for help, and I'm giving it to her in my own way. This girl needs to be nothing more than utterly ashamed for what she's done. Not remorseful.....ashamed. At this point, all I can gather is that she feels she "made a mistake" and she's "sad"....for HERSELF. In this situation, eating her own feelings and expressing only genuine EMPATHY for the poor guy she screwed over, accepting her position caused by her own actions, and vowing to herself that she'll never hurt anyone like that again not for her benefit, but for the benefit of the person on the receiving end, is the only acceptable solution for her redemption. Anything less is nothing more than a f__king copout.

wilsonx Established Member

wilsonx

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Posted
And YOU are enabling her with this sort of touchy-feely diatribe. Dude, this chick totally broke this guy's heart, who she admittedly "loved", and from where I'm sitting it seems to me that she did it for nothing more than her sheer amusement.

 

I've got a cat. I love him. He's my little buddy. I've had him for twelve years. It would be pretty sick if I decided to put on a scary mask and chase him around the house, or if I sprayed him with a garden hose just for my amusement, right? WHAT THE HELL IS THE DIFFERENCE! This girl is a SICKO! S-I-C-K-O!

 

I am not enabling, I am empathetic towards her. I have been in her shoes and understand what shes going through. She is also right in how she feels

 

At the same, you are right too. I am empathetic towards you. I have been in your shoes as well and understand what you are going through. What you say in your position is correct and how you feel is valid.

CaliBabe Established Member

CaliBabe

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I'm with Wilson on this. I feel empathy for both. Hopeful, I do feel for you and your pain but at the same time this man loved you and you admitted to playing "head games" with him. That is quite cruel.

 

NOW! I am in no way criticizing you because unlike many, you realize your mistake and can admit it. That takes alot of maturity and strength, but at this point, I think the pain you are feeling is sadness for yourself. Pain of being alone or missing someone, which I understand can be quite overwhelming.

 

I do appreciate the fact that you are doing NC so this poor guy can have an opportunity to seek happiness elsewhere. You implementing NC is very selfless. You may have messed up in the past but you can go NC and do the right thing for the future.

 

He will heal eventually and so will you. You will find the happiness and compatibility you desire. When that RIGHT person comes into your life, you won't question it, you'll know.

 

Be strong and heal.

BewitchedandBothered Established Member

BewitchedandBothered

Posted
Posted
I read all of these stories on here and am thankful I am not alone.. but I am for some reason a little different. I had a wonderful boyfriend who is cute funny successful and wasnt shy about expressing his love for me. The problem? For whatever reason I was afraid of a future with him.. maybe his openness about his feelings for me pushed him away. I played head games and was unstable for the whole relationship, even though deep down I really loved him. I havent dated alot and hes is older and has much more experience than me.. m aybe that played a role- who knows. We fought all of the time- but had great passion for one another and a deep connection... I broke up with him 6 weeks ago.... And within a week he had another gf. I dont blame him a bit. She is kind and beautiful and personality wise is a much better fit. I have initiated NC because I dont want to mess up his life anymore- I am devastated.. but I truly want him to be happy with someone who is stable and devoted to him. But now- I am in so much pain over this- i dont know if this is heartbreak? Or the realization of losing something so wonderful?

I spend my days dreaming of a second chance.. but do people that were incompatible ever become compatible ? I dont want to get back with him right now- i need time to grow up more. He is ready to settle down. I am not. But I love him so much. We have only spoken once since NC- He called me crying saying that I was the love of his life and he was having a devastating time moving on- but we couldnt try for us anymore because I wasnt ready to settle down (which is true). I feel so broken. Sigh.

If he is so wonderful, why won't you commit to him? He doesn't just want to have no strings attached fun; he wants to share a life. And you love him and if he is a good man who loves you, why not commit? I don't understand what the problem is?

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Hopeful83 Member

Hopeful83

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bewitched- whats sad is i cant give you an answer to that. i dont even know myself why i can commit to him. that is why i am staying away. i feel deep love for him- but something in me is stopping me from commiting. and since i cant give him that. it seems unfair to have any contact with him. so i am just staying away until i can figure things out or he moves on with his new girl.... i am going to therapy in hopes i can figure this out.

mike588 Established Member

mike588

Posted
Posted
frank- you have an interesting point- i have dated men who treated me like crap.. an sometimes it would take YEARS to get over them. and they were absolutely horrible. Then i get with this one- he has been the kindest boyfriend i have ever ever had- and i treat him like crap- but first the first time in my dating history- i am seriously having a hard time dealing with the way i treated him... i am trying to decipher what i am going through.. i think at the end of the day i just truly loved him- and i am only seeing that now that he is gone. this is one of those instances where you truly dont know what you had until its not there anymore.

kitty-i havent dated alot.. but ive dated enough to know which guys really care an which ones didnt.. this one was like nothing i have ever seen before. i cant even begin with all this kind things he did for me- and was so supportive of everything about me. I can only pray that i will be a different girl after this. and that someday- somewhere- i will meet someone who loves me close to the way this one did.

One of the reasons i know how deep his feelings were- after we broke up.. i told him i was going to come see him (and without getting TMI.. have some no strings attached fun). He said NO. because he said that would live us in an unstable place- and if i couldnt commit to him and know that i would be there after we slept together- that he just couldnt do it bc he cared so much. now i dont know about yall.. but in my life.. i havent met too many men who turned down a roll in the hay bc of emotional attachments. :(

I have never ever felt so much guilt and desperation to go back and be different. but in my heart.. i truly beleive in fate.... and that we eventually end up with the right ones. sometimes timing is off.. and who knows.. we all might get back with our exes in time.. but time is truly the greatest healer.. and i pray every second that it will do what is right here.

 

Alot of what you said here is what my ex. g/f told me/said how she felt 7 months after she dumped me.

 

I still wonder if she felt.....so much guilt too like you say your feeling.

westrock Established Member

westrock

Posted
Posted (edited)
bewitched- whats sad is i cant give you an answer to that. i dont even know myself why i can commit to him. that is why i am staying away. i feel deep love for him- but something in me is stopping me from commiting. and since i cant give him that. it seems unfair to have any contact with him. so i am just staying away until i can figure things out or he moves on with his new girl.... i am going to therapy in hopes i can figure this out.

 

How would you describe your relationship between you and your father?

 

How would you describe your relationship between you and your mother?

 

How would you describe the relationship that you observed of your parents toward each other while you were growing up?

Edited by westrock
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Hopeful83 Member

Hopeful83

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mike- she very well might have... i see alot of people on here asking if the dumper ever feels guilty. well, in my case its so much guilt i can hardly see straight. i will say though.. when i was alot younger.. i dated a guy who treated me very well-but i simply didnt feel the same.. and i broke up with him. i had no feelings of guilt or remorse after that relationship, even when he moved on to another girl, i just didnt have any emotion for him, im guessing bc i wasnt in love with him. i think with this guy, i really loved him, and am realizing what i have lost.

 

westrock- i know where you are going with this.. and you have hit the nail on the head. my relationship with my mother is great- she is incredible. without going into detail- my father was horrific and basically had a whole other family that i tracked down and witnessed before my mother finally divorced him. i havent seen or spoken to him in years. :(:(:(

Pens55 Established Member

Pens55

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Posted

Hopeful - It takes a lot of courage to admit all of this, that is definitely a positive and maybe a sign that you are willing and capable to change.

 

I had the unfortunate experience of being on the recieving end of someone who felt the need to run away from a truely good thing. It still perplexes me a bit, but I do have empathy and I think I understood my ex better than she thought.

 

I am not suggesting anything or trying to put thoughts in your head, but could you possibly be afraid of becoming too attached to this man for fear of him leaving or hurting you? For example, a "I'll leave him before he can leave me" mentality.. This could stem self-esteem issues, or abandonment fears. Just throwing these ideas out there incase they spark some thought.

 

Regardless of what caused you to leave, you will need to identify it and correct it. Your admission is a great first step and even though I want to hate my ex, I know that this type of situation is not brought on by anything malicious, and its not your fault...sometimes we just need to explore ourselves to overcome problems.

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Hopeful83 Member

Hopeful83

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pen- thank you for your kind words. this is absolutely fear and insecurity issues on my end... i am going to have to learn how to deal with them before i can move on.. do yall know if issues like this can be changed? they seem very deeply ingrained- and my fear is that even though i recognize how i am acting and desperately want to change... but that some things might now be fixable?

it just sickens me to think of the loss of him. i am scared to even be around men right now.. bc of how i am and i never ever want to hurt anyone again. i am reading the book the secret and i really like it.. its helping me alot.

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