What's going on in my head? (Feelings about another)

[Toxhicide]

Sorry that this message is long.

 

The past few days I've felt very confused about my relationship with my girlfriend. She's my first girlfriend Two times when I was driving away from her house I was thinking of what it would be like if I was with another girl that I had feelings for in the seventh grade (gave her $10 once early in the year, then at end of the year passed her a note and left, next day her friend told me she threw the note out, made a fool of myself pretty much). 10th grade now. Sometimes I feel as if I did break up with my girlfriend that I could end up being with her at a time.

 

I have been with my girlfriend for 18 months and a week now. I read a few letters that I wrote to her (for only me to read, never to send) to view how I felt. It seems that I felt alright about our relationship in the past. I feel that our relationship is still good now as well.

 

Sometimes it feels as if I am in the relationship because I like being in a relationship. The many fights that we have had and that I fixed and made sure we stayed together may have been to prove that we will not break up and because I love being in a relationship. Maybe I've lost a lot of the physical feeling of early excitement. I still enjoy being with her some of the time. When we hang out we get along. Tickling sometimes, kissing, holding/hugging her, it seems natural now. I don't know if that's because we love each other, or something else.

 

I remember in the beginning of the relationship I remember telling myself once that I have to learn to love her due to something I was feeling. Don't get me wrong, at the moment I am content being with her and it feels like I said those words in a dream. But, I can't remember if it was possibly due to the feelings that I have now of no feeling or anything. I have cried a few times about very emotional moments that we have had. When we first argued and were on the verge of breaking up, I remember trying my best to not let that happen. Now, if we were to come to a point, I'm not sure what I would really do. In a large argument, I may not try to turn the argument around if she tells me to leave, but ask her if she really wanted me to. She told me to leave her house about a month ago I remember because she was frustrated (our relationship is not in this state right now I can assure), but I didn't due to the sadness I felt that she was telling me to do so. Due to the confusion that I'm going through now, I may not leave immediately, but again I might ask if she really wanted me to after trying to comfort her, and if not, then I may leave. Sometimes I feel that if I were to break up it would be selfish. Sometimes I also feel that I'm with her because I help her so much and would feel bad about ending anything, but since I've been doing it so long, it feels normal (she has seizures and is not doing well in school, I help her but she often gets frustrated but is not getting frustrated as of yet).

 

Maybe it's just a phase I'm going through of lust for another girl and it will go away soon and everything will be back to normal. I don't know. I would like to be with the girl I liked in the seventh grade. I know that I would be able to get along with her and her friends due to prior history. I am not considering that if I were to suddenly have an immense feeling and try and go for the girl that I will fail. Maybe that is part of the reason I am confused in the first place.

 

I seem happy with my girlfriend at least. My last yahoo answers questions seemed to be legitimate problems. I had called my girlfriend my best friend and it was very emotional. I also made a question trying to figure out how to make our relationship better without being sexual. It is very confusing, and I fear that if I do decide to break up then it would be a big mistake because it turns out I really do love her and I am not just fooling myself. Maybe I should just let everything play out for the next month or so, and if it doesn't seem to be working out or we get in a fight I might break it off for a bit to see what happens if we aren't with each other. Maybe I am just saying that because of how I feel now. I'm confused about the relationship that I am in right now, I hope its not caused by feelings towards another.

 

 

I was with my girlfriend today and she seemed happier than usual. Hugging me, kissing me, telling me that she loves me also. It seemed like she was very happy. I enjoyed her company very much, and also hugged/kissed her back, etc. How is a real love relationship supposed to be like? It's probably too early to tell right now, maybe I should give it a couple weeks.

 

I'm very confused. I don't know what to think right now. I hope that someone that is willing to help read all of this message and got to the end to reply.