Where may we stand?

[new-girl]

Hey guys, I am completely new to this whole online advice forum, but would love some dating advice. In being completely new to this, I am also completely new to the dating scene. Sorry if this is long, but what you guys think/where we stand would be great. Briefs, he is 27 I am 21.

 

I have been dating a guy now for 2 months. We met on a dating website, he emailed me around November last year, I ignored with I am sorry but I am busy at the moment and will reply later, he emailed again, I didn't reply. He emailed again, I replied after about another week, that was the end of December. We emailed back and forth a few times, then by mid January we met up.

We went on three low key dates, hooked up, but never had sex. He left to go overseas for six weeks, he was in and out of internet reception but emailed me on all occasions, should be noted, he emailed his mate my number to message me to get my email so he could email me to start with, as the one i gave him wasn't working. He sent me a postcard and a valentines day card.

He arrived home last Monday, and I sore him on Tuesday, stayed at mine Tuesday and Wednesday night. We did have sex then. Throughout this time, he has continued to say how glade he is we both me, that I was his valentine and that. That he has told his parents and sister about me and a mate of his (not to sure if any others). We had a bit of a giggle about his mate getting married next week to his gf he found on RSVP. Friday night he took me out on one of my replacement valentines day dinners to a nice hotel, then went and watched the sunset at the beach.

I went to visit family for the weekend so on Monday when I came home he left his sisters place to come stay the night at mine, I told him I didn't want him to be pulled away from his family at all and he said it was fine. Last night we went to trivia with my housemates, we left early came back to mine and just lay in my bed and watched some tv, I have been feeling really off this week due to my pill which is why we left early. In this time I noticed a relaxation in him that I hadn't seen, the way he gets annoyed when tv shows are just talking and his tendency to flick. His moments of calling me a dork when I was lying in an uncomfortable position and when he picked me up and carried me to the front door to kiss goodbye. These things I hadn't noticed before in him, but is that him just becoming more comfortable around him?

The only things that worries me, is he doesn't message me all that much, but I think that could just be who he is, he isn't ever messaging when around me, unless his parents. So I am thinking this is normal. What is this though, are we dating or is he just going run on me soon? When we are together things seem amazing, better then amazing, but when apart, due to his little amount of contact it seems worse for wear.

Edited March 14, 2012 by new-girl

[new-girl]

Please guys??

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well as a man, I'm always skeptical of older guys who hit on younger women. Mainly because I'm a man and know how men think, and secondly I have eyes and in the "secret headquarters" of man quarters and know what they really think and feel when it's just the guys.

 

You have less experience, easier to impress, and less just knowledgeable overall (even though yes, I'm sure you feel mature for your age...that's kind of the butt of the joke for older guys) so spinning you into a whirlwind is much easier to do as you're typically more easily trusting at that age and won't pick up all the clues that in five years you may see right through as bs.

 

However, just judging from what you are saying I don't see any "stand out" details to say he's for certain doing one thing or another or exactly where you stand because likely there is some crucial things happening here you just don't take note of them.

 

As far as him taking you out to a late Valenintes Day dinner at a nice hotel then watching the sunset...again, something he very likely didn't do at 21 years old but now that he's older and impressed a few other girls with this idea then he knows how well it would work w someone your age. Yet since he's gone all the time and doesn't communicate often that takes a lot more effort from a guy than a whirlwind grand gesture in a moment to appease a woman and make her feel special...It won't stand too long, however likely long enough If this is just a for fun situation for him.

 

Telling you that he told his parents and sister about you and his mate is possibly a hook...for example "let's make her feel special by telling her that's she's someone important". This is not necessarily his intent but this doesn't mean omg It's so serious now either, lot of guys can say nice things.

 

He seems amazing to you because you don't jack crap about who he is as a real person, you only know the flashy picture this guy is trying to paint for you. This is the part where women fall in love with the guy and then think he's great and this is what they hold onto and then the true colors start to peel off and you see he's actually a human being with things you're going to like and thinks you may not so much like. That's really where the real relationship takes place.

 

What you need to do and always need to do, is at the very least ask these guys what they are interested in and ask them how they feel about you after a few months. Because this is the real question and where your answers lie.

 

As far as the facts go, he travels a lot, he's not really ever around and communicating with you for who knows why...have you questioned him about this, do you know why and without your emotions do you believe it? what does your gut tell you here?

 

A guy on the move doesn't necessarily translate to "relationship" mode, and that's probably the most credible fact that I can base my assessment that you may be a convenient girl to come back home to after these long trips...where don't be surprised that men setup girls over there as well...may be the reason for the lack of communication.

 

Lack of communication from a guy, or only when it's convenient for him is a very large red flag from a guy in general...being that he has the ability to communicate with you.

 

You have to be be bolder in asking men questions and finding out what they're about, this is key to not getting your feelings hurt and understanding what kind of decision you are in so you can make an informed decision...not an emotional one when your knees deep and you stay with him anyway because by the time you found it you're just screwed up and want to be with him anyway, which only means you being dumped far down the line and being heartbroken.

 

Things that are easy for older guys to do:

- Spending money

- Trips/vacations/hotels

- Romantic gestures that are taken for way more than they are worth in gold..sunset on the beach, other cliche gestures that may not be as genuine and deep as you think

- Flowers, sweet/charming gestures they learned from screwing up with their ex's who ended up having to tell them what to do because they didn't figure it out on their own

 

Things that are not:

- Spend time with you, introduce you to important people like family...friends are irrelevant and guys have the "bros before hos" code anyway

- Share future plans with you, make you apart of his "real life" instead of only spend time with you in your world and keeps his separate

- Communicate to you often how he feels about you and what his intentions are in the relationship, that he wants a relationship and that hes looking for commitment

- Make you a priority in his life and is available to talk to you and check in frequently to see how you are doing

 

So I just wanted to give you a lot of useful information on how to try and look at older men, many are very good at doing the generic things that women like and find appealing in men. Many have egos and take pride in being able to swoon little twenty somethings like you, makes them feel macho and they pat themselves on the back for it. Yet they steer clear from women their own age because they're wise to their tactics and it doesn't have the same profound impact and ease.

 

Moral of the story, realize he's a grown man..he's thinking about things ahead of time and has some control of the situation, and your timid demeanor will leave him this way. Rattle the cage a little bit by being bold and asking him the tough questions, you'll either make him uncomfortable or he'll be more than happy to talk to you and express how he feels for you.

 

You may ultimately be ok If this guy walks away and just see him as a great guy, bad timing and all that jazz...but In case you are not or in case you are in situation where you have questions, you need to know how to protect yourself and disrupt a guys game or verify how genuine it is when you're emotions are on the line.

[just-me12]

When you say tough questions, what do you mean?

The how do you really feel about me, where do you see this going or completely different?