seren Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 H and I are 4 and a half years on from D Day, he told me about the A after I said if he was so unhappy with his life he needed to leave and go find a life where he could be happy, but that I would always love him. I have no idea there was an A and thought his odd behaviour was due to his time in Iraq and the death's of men under his command, this coupled with my success at securing a high paid, high profile job which required a lot of overtime, I also thought we had hit a stale spot, but we still loved, laughed and made plans. On the one hand I would catch glimpses of my lovely H, we often still danced around the kitchen, made love, were intimate (very different) and made plans for our future. At others, he would be distant, cold, quite unfeeling and something was 'off'. I am a fixer and a talker, H a clam up type and a conflict avoider. Looking back I can see that I made it easy for him to be like this, I tried to make sure his life was stress free, thinking he had enough to stress about in his career. Now I see this as my contributing to him feeling inadequate and not good enough. H has always had me on a pedestal, believing I can do just about anything, not somewhere I wanted to be. I was also having treatment for cancer (now clear) and developed a chronic illness. H came back from Iraq a broken man, feeling unable to cope and just not good enough for me. We are reconciled, he has recently had counselling for PTSD and Combat Stress, I hadn't realised just how bad it had been for him out there and am glad he is now out of it. 26 years was long enough to give to the military. A number of things were discussed today by me and he. I had always wondered why her? why that particular woman? Had there been love I would have found it easier to cope with, to risk us for nothing had always seemed so pointless. He said that he felt so dammed low, so useless and not worthy that he chose the OW because she was so different from what he valued in a woman, please understand that I am not degenerating her, I also do not allow him to do that, it is what is is. he discussed how he treated her and I am weirdly pissed off at him for using another woman so. I spoke with her after the A, she loved him, said she knew him better than I, disbelieved that he wouldn't speak with her, that I was stopping him and then a whole tirade of what a s*** he was. I know this is standard thought, that the BS doesn't know their spouses, like there is some competition going on. During the years of her popping up or harrassing me, I realise just how deep her hurt went and still goes and I feel sorry for her that she had no closure. I have forgiven H the A, we are good together, I view our post D day relationship as one built on the ashes of our old marriage. It isn't the same, in most respects it is better, in that I am no longer the do'er, the fixer and H has stepped up to the plate. What I find hard is knowing that H was capable of such cruelty to another person, his cold indifference to the OW is not in my mindset. I don't expect him to gush about her, just to acknowledge that it wasn't all bad and that she isn't all bad, I then tell myself I am truly bonkers for feeling like this. Don't quite know what I am asking, possibly did anyone else go through the reason for the A as a symptom of a lack of self esteem in the WS? His counsellor said that my constant propping up and success, being the main breadwinner, being so capable and having such high morals helped to add to his esteem issues. personally I want to tell the counsellor to jog on and sort her methods out. But, I wonder if this is the case. I no longer work after being medically retired and H is being wonderful. But, there is a niggle at the back of my mind that I helped to push him into the arms of another. I wonder if any of you have experienced this and what you did/do about it.
frozensprouts Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 for what it worth, a lot of guys/women come back from deployment -in -theater very different people from when they left. I know mine did ( he was deployed to KAF and several FOBs in Adghanistan, and it changed him). The troops comming home get "decompression time " ( Dubai or Cyprus) and decompression briefings, but not everyone coming home with an issue gets flagged. Not sure what it's like in the UK, but there is still a culture here that a guy with PTSD is "broken", so many push it way deep down and are loathe to seek help. Unfortunately, this can then manifest its self in very negative ways ( substance abuse, cheating, physical/verbal abuse of one's spouse,etc.), especially during times of stress. Many guys feel they can't talk about it with their spouses, and a lot end up cheating.The divorce rate for military families is, at least here, much higher than average. none of this was due to you, and, really, given what he went through, i can see how it could happen. ( was he feeling really down on himself because of things that happened in Iraq? did that result in him acting out of character?) glad that he was able to get some help for his issues, and that you have been able to move past his affair and stand together. It says a lot about the both of you:)
beenburned Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Seren, We are not military people, however I personally have experienced the imbalance in the early years of our marrige. Heck, I tried to be superwoman, wife, and mother, all rolled into one. I almost gave myself a nervous breakdown! And i think I gave him an inferiority complex.(low self esteem?) I was definately too controlling and more like a parent, instead of a spouse. I think he came to view me as not fun loving, and that in turn made him feel old around me. The 3 OW he cheated with were all young, single, childless,wild, and fun loving. Which in turn, made him feel young and carefree. After d-day, not only did he change, but I did also. I realized that he wanted the girl that he married, not a parent. I reverted back to the fun loving, humorous, lover that I was when we first married.(and dated) I was so much happier being myself, instead of a preconcieved notion I had of the perfect wife. I hope my story will help you in some way, as we journey toward a new and better marriage with our spouses! 2
Spark1111 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 great thread Seren! yes, i too was a doer, a fixer, a runner of the house, the family and the in-laws, the social life.....but, he let me become that; in fact, I think he fostered that. He very much wanted to go to work and provide for us and work in the yard on weekends. I think we, too quickly, fell into the roles of our parents, especially his parents. We were so young and trying to get it right. When he became depressed, I ran around doing more fixing, more saving, more working, more side-stepping and a little tap dancing too. What kills is she too is educated, articulate, with a good paying job, BUT she became a regular damsel in distress around him, and boy, did he respond to all her woes and drama. Now of course, a lot of that is a diversion from fixing one's self, so you try to help and fix someone else. But it was an eye-opening lesson for me to stop, just stop and let me and things around me be. It IS empowering to be needed, wanted, respected, and to just have some fun!
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I am really convinced now that my WW's A was because of self esteem issues. Her ego is COMPLETELY destroyed now and she is projecting her own self hatred onto everyone around her (meaning she thinks everyone hates her, me, her parents, her sister, etc). She feels like she never had any self esteem when she was younger and just "settled" for me. Now she's completely dependent on me, having been a stay at home mom for 11 years. She just this morning got rejected from the masters program that was her beacon of light out of the M and dependance on me. Since I've expressed that I don't want our family to be broken up (9yr old daughter), she feels powerless to leave because she feels so much shame at being the one who had the A, being the one to D, and also taking alimony and assets. So now she's just trapped in the this M, just waiting for an excuse to leave. Last night she was trying to get me to assault her =\ She even took my hands and tried to make me punch her. When that failed she started slapping herself and I had to grab her hands to stop her. Ugh, I actually feel bad for her. I think she's in way worse shape than I am, I've finally worked through my anger and grief. But how to fix her ego and MLC? I guess just give what support I can when she'll accept it and hope she snaps out of it. I really hope she picks herself up off her feet and takes another shot at her education. I want her to be happy and have self esteem again =\ Maybe once she loves herself she can love me again. She actually said something close to that last night. "I don't even love myself, how can I love anyone else?" Doesn't really quite make sense to me...I dunno Self esteem, yeah. +1 for my WS.
Radagast Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Don't quite know what I am asking, possibly did anyone else go through the reason for the A as a symptom of a lack of self esteem in the WS? My low self-esteem definitely contributed, if not directly led, to my affair. I dare say had my self-esteem been healthier I would not have been in that position where I was vulnerable to an affair. As it happened, after years of being told I was never good enough, was lucky to have her, no other woman would ever look at me, I had come to believe much of that and so when a stunning, vivacious woman made it clear she was interested in me I was blown away.
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