Cyber-affair with my ex

[smk5815]

I've been with my boyfriend for two years; we moved in together a little over a month ago. Our relationship is amazing -- we have great communication, respect, and love for each other. We never fight: if something comes up that we disagree on or have issues with, we talk about it and work through it. I've literally never been in a relationship like this, I used to think it was normal to get in a bitter shouting match with your partner a few times a week.

 

 

There is one area, however, where our relationship is suffering -- our sex life. Don't get me wrong, the sex is good. I always enjoy myself and usually climax multiple times. The problem is that, after two years, it's extremely . . . efficient. And when it comes to sex, I think efficient is really a nice way of saying "unbelievably boring". It's always the same -- we make out for a little bit, then I go down on him, then he goes down on me, then missionary sex until we both finish (usually takes about 15 minutes), then snuggling and sleep. For the past 8 months or so, I have felt my desire waning significantly. At first I thought it was my birth control, so I went off of it and things improved slightly. Then I thought it was my extremely busy life (I go to school full-time and work almost full-time; I'm lucky if I get one day "off" a week), which was one of the many reasons we decided to move in together. The idea was that by having more access to each other, we'd just naturally have more sex. It hasn't worked. I simply can't get up the motivation to have sex more than once a week, and even then it's usually more out of wanting to make him happy than out of any real desire myself. I was beginning to think that I needed to see a doctor about my low sex drive. Then I started talking to my ex, and I realized that my sex drive isn't exactly the problem.

 

 

I've maintained contact with most of my exes for years, and my boyfriend knows about it and supports my friendships with them. He's not a particularly jealous guy. Last week my ex messaged me and we started chatting and it kind of segued into flirting (which in itself wouldn't worry me too much), but then it segued into talking about old times, which then segued into cyber sex (do people still call it that?). It was the most turned-on I had been in ages, and I thought about it for most of the next day, looking forward to the next time my boyfriend worked late. This particluar ex is by far the best sexual partner I've ever had, and the amazing sexual connection we had was pretty much the only reason we stayed together as long as we did. I would have thought that connection would have died after 6 years apart, but apparently not. If it had only happened the once, I would have felt a little guilty but called it a mistake and moved on. But it's happened three times, and I don't want it to stop.

I actually talked to my boyfriend about it after the second time, and he was amazing. He was a little hurt, but not angry, and he said he understood how it could have happened. He said that he would never tell me to stop being friends with someone but asked that I not let things get out of hand again, and I readily agreed. Last night I chatted with the ex and told him that it couldn't happen again. He said he understood and didn't want to ruin my happiness . . . and then it happened again anyway. And we made plans to do it again next week. I feel like this is all spinning out of control and I don't know what to do. I wish I could take my relationship with my boyfriend and add a few dashes of my ex's ability to turn me on.

 

 

On the plus side (or minus side, depending on my mood), the ex lives across the country so a physical affair is pretty much impossible. That doesn't make what I'm doing any less of a betrayal, though. I feel guilty, ashamed, and angry at myself . . . but also more sexually alive than I've been since before I even met my current boyfriend. I don't know what to do.

[scatterd]

You need to put it to a stop now before you lose the man your with.Show your man what turns you on and what you like. After he learns what you need you sex life will be better.If a man does not know what you need he needs to learn. vGood Luck

[Ninja'sHusband]

I agree, and tell your man what is going on. Keep that honesty up. He was forgiving because you came to him about it and were truthful. That helps sooo much. You both need to recognize that there should be stricter boundaries though. You should tell your bf that things are still getting out of hand and maybe he'll see that he needs to be more worried. Then you can talk about redefining boundaries. Probably late night conversations with other guys isn't so appropriate.

 

And yeah tell him about your sexual frustrations if you haven't already. Make him understand it's critical. I think any guy would love to learn what to do to please his woman better sexually.

[nofool4u]

I've been with my boyfriend for two years; we moved in together a little over a month ago. Our relationship is amazing -- we have great communication, respect, and love for each other.

 

No, he probably respects and loves you. If you are screwing him over, you don't respect or love him. If ya did, you wouldn't be doing it.

 

 

We never fight: if something comes up that we disagree on or have issues with, we talk about it and work through it. I've literally never been in a relationship like this, I used to think it was normal to get in a bitter shouting match with your partner a few times a week.

 

 

There is one area, however, where our relationship is suffering -- our sex life. Don't get me wrong, the sex is good. I always enjoy myself and usually climax multiple times. The problem is that, after two years, it's extremely . . . efficient.

 

So the problem is, you aren't suited for committed relationships then. If sex is good, and you climax multiple times, then you are one of those people who get bored having sex with the same person for too lengthy of a time period.

 

 

Then I started talking to my ex, and I realized that my sex drive isn't exactly the problem.

 

 

I've maintained contact with most of my exes for years, and my boyfriend knows about it and supports my friendships with them. He's not a particularly jealous guy.

 

Damn, another great guy, and a great catch for any decent woman, getting the shaft again.

 

 

Last week my ex messaged me and we started chatting and it kind of segued into flirting (which in itself wouldn't worry me too much), but then it segued into talking about old times, which then segued into cyber sex (do people still call it that?). It was the most turned-on I had been in ages, and I thought about it for most of the next day, looking forward to the next time my boyfriend worked late. This particluar ex is by far the best sexual partner I've ever had, and the amazing sexual connection we had was pretty much the only reason we stayed together as long as we did. I would have thought that connection would have died after 6 years apart, but apparently not.

 

If it had only happened the once, I would have felt a little guilty but called it a mistake and moved on. But it's happened three times, and I don't want it to stop.

 

Well then, find a place of your own, move out, set your bf free from you so he can find someone faithful. You get to get yours, so let him find love and respect.

 

 

 

I actually talked to my boyfriend about it after the second time, and he was amazing. He was a little hurt, but not angry, and he said he understood how it could have happened. He said that he would never tell me to stop being friends with someone but asked that I not let things get out of hand again, and I readily agreed. Last night I chatted with the ex and told him that it couldn't happen again. He said he understood and didn't want to ruin my happiness . . . and then it happened again anyway.

 

So you spit in your bf's face and his more than easy going nature. Nice.

 

 

And we made plans to do it again next week. I feel like this is all spinning out of control and I don't know what to do.

 

Easy, break up with your bf. He obviously doesn't know what is good for him. Sometimes people need to have someone else make the decisions for them.

 

So set him free. From your description of him, he deserves better.

 

 

On the plus side

 

You can stop right there. There is no plus side.

 

 

I feel guilty, ashamed, and angry at myself . . . but also more sexually alive than I've been since before I even met my current boyfriend. I don't know what to do.

 

Set your bf free from you. Give him the opportunity to find love and respect. He obviously will never get it from you.

 

Move out this weekend.

[nofool4u]

I agree' date=' and tell your man what is going on. Keep that honesty up. He was forgiving because you came to him about it and were truthful. That helps sooo much.[/quote']

 

Perhaps, if after the honesty things stopped between her and the X

 

But even the biggest doormat will only allow someone to wipe their feet on them so many times.

 

She was honest, wiped her feet on him, and did it again.

[jnj express]

You tell us how you love your BF, and how he is so wonderful---well he can't be that wonderful, if you are mentally screwing another man

 

Your BF, is way to lenient, I am not sure how really serious your relationship can be, if he lets you spend time with other men, even if it is the computer, the time you should be spending with your BF, is being spent with a lover---and please do not try to excuse yourself out of this, he is a lover, whether you like it or not---and you are spending a whole lot of your waking time thinking of him, in preference to your BF

 

If your sex life is so boring, and same old, same old---why don't YOU do something about changing it

 

You need to go NC, with all your lovers, and concentrate on your BF, before you lose him-----sooner or later, he is gonna get tired of your continued contact with your lovers!!!!!!

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your boyfriend was cyber cheating on you behind your back with an ex girlfriend?

[BewitchedandBothered]

Why do you need to be in contact with your exes in the first place? No more contact with your ex. Your b/f has been loving and patient; sounds like he is the best in your life, a keeper. Why not cyber sex him instead and make it fun? Or send him sexy texts and make a little rendezvous together. Your exes have no reason or place in your life. Just because they were in your life before does not mean they need to stay there. Your b/f will reach a threshold if you don't stop this nonsense. And then where will you be?

[Nancy B]

You are obviously feeling remorse for your actions as you are seeking advice.

 

But right now it seems that you are leaning on the excuse that the situation is 'out of control.' You have the control.

 

You are being blinded by feeling sexually alive and excited. These qualities simply do not compare to what sounds like an awesome relationship with your current boyfriend.

 

I really hope that you snap out of this fog sooner rather than later, cos what is fun and flirtatious now, will cause you pain, regret and loneliness in the future.

[SandieBeach]

Why do you need to be in contact with your exes in the first place? No more contact with your ex. Your b/f has been loving and patient; sounds like he is the best in your life, a keeper. Why not cyber sex him instead and make it fun? Or send him sexy texts and make a little rendezvous together. Your exes have no reason or place in your life. Just because they were in your life before does not mean they need to stay there. Your b/f will reach a threshold if you don't stop this nonsense. And then where will you be?

 

Yes, absolutely! We often assume that our boyfriends and spouses won't understand our need for a little kinkiness when it comes to sex . See what your man thinks about spicing up your sex life. I bet you'll be surprised at how much that can turn him on too. Now, if you share your likes and dislikes and he condemns you to hell for your filthy needs , well, then you should consider how compatible you two actually are.