ThatDudeXO Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 First of all, I am almost 4 weeks into NC. Week one was terrible but weeks 2 and 3 I felt so happy and healed to the point where I had no depressive thoughts about my ex. I wasn't constantly thinking about her. I was convinced I was healed that I went out to see a girl i found attractive and had sex with her. The sex was good but after I finished it made me miss what I had with my ex, the emotional connection and love. I had been told by friends is one of the best things to do is to sleep around but instead I think it's making things worse :/ I couldn't get my ex out of my head since then, to the point I resorted to seeing what she was up to on facebook for the first time in a month. She seems so happy which hurt me, she also got her bestfriends to delete off FB when I was actually cool with them. My question is, is having casual sex with someone with no emtional connection going to halter my healing process? My next question is, what is healing TRULY about? Is it to forgive and forget or is it to accept the breakup and lose your emotional connection? It's really annoying me because I thought I was healing until I broke down in tears in the middle of work yesterday because I literally cannot stop thinking about my ex. Thank you in advance for your replies.
Philosoraptor Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 If it hurts you then stay away from it. Everyone has their own style of healing and you need to do what is best for you. Like yourself, sleeping around would have made me miserable.
rootless Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 (edited) My question is, is having casual sex with someone with no emtional connection going to halter my healing process? My next question is, what is healing TRULY about? Is it to forgive and forget or is it to accept the breakup and lose your emotional connection? First, let me say that I'm genuinely sorry that you're in pain. I know how lousy it feels to lose someone you love, and how difficult it is to come to grips with. I think the prospect of having sex while you're in the grieving process varies by individual. Some men (and women) seem to find it beneficial, as a way to numb the rejection and bolster their ego, but by and large, if you're mourning the loss a truly deep, meaningful relationship, it's probably not a good idea. It many cases, I think it only serves as an act of avoidance; we feel a tremendous absence in our lives when our partner leaves, and naturally, our minds begin searching for ways to fill the void. But if you're still connected to your ex, and haven't come to terms with the finality of your relationship, sleeping around often just compounds your feelings of loneliness and isolation. It's different if you're voluntarily single and are just feeling lonely-- finding physical connection and companionship during those times can legitimately help you to feel attractive, wanted, and desirable. But when you're still grieving over an ex, you typically get none of those benefits-- because you're not looking for generic pleasure or affection, you're looking for a very singular, specific feeling: love from your ex. And if that's the condition you're in, anything different is going to feel like a pale, bloodless substitute. Your heart knows when you're kidding yourself, even if your hormones don't. Perversely, it can often feel like you're cheating on your ex, even if you're the one who was dumped. But normally, if sex is a let-down afterwards, it's because it does nothing to address the real source of your unhappiness. It's like taking a cough drop to cure lung cancer. It may diminish the symptoms momentarily, but that's it. Yeah-- it's an overwrought analogy, but you get the point. As for healing -- I think it's different for every person and situation. Some people find that they can't move on without getting to a place where they can forgive their partner, and others find forgiveness unnecessary. In the end, I think healing is basically about two things: 1.) Acceptance. 2.) Restoring yourself to a state where you are perfectly content on your own. How we get there is unique to each of us, but I genuinely think those are the two paths to focus on. Edited March 13, 2012 by rootless 1
KathyM Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I think sleeping with others only reminds you of what you've lost with your gf. It feels empty, since you have no feelings for that person, and is not a good way to go about healing from your past relationship.
zoomzoom Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I am in the same boat, Sunday night I slept with someone I have known for a long time. We had never dated or anything on those lines but it just happened. I am 3.5 weeks broken up with the ex GF, and alomost 2 weeks NC and I was the dumpee. It just felt odd the whole time and then I too felt guilty after we were done. It was a no strings deal we are on the same page with that but I still felt odd. It did help me though to get my ex out of my head for a bit. I do wish I would have waited before letting this happen but I really did not have much control over the situation.
Author ThatDudeXO Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Thanks for your opinions. Rootless especially has made things so much clearer to me. I need to abstain from sex until I feel no attachment from my ex. I have a very high sex drive and i thought it would be fun but it just caused me nightmares. I feel depressed because I've effectively wiped out weeks of healing progress by having a one night stand. I just want to fall of love with my ex. It's driving me crazy, I wanna get over and stop thinking about her. I hate myself for reversing my healing. I just to feel better and move on just as my ex has done. She doesn't feel the need to be in touch or care about me, why should I feel the same. This whole moving on thing is getting on my nerves because I've had such good advice, followed i but I'm here back to square one pining over her when just 5 days ago i was a happy man! I know exactly how I should feel yet my heart won't allow me to be happy. I cried for the first time in almost 2 weeks, I just want to put this stage in life past me.
rootless Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Awww, man! You're *killing* me! I identify with you so strongly it's ridiculous. I was a full year without contact and had made giant strides with my recovery until a couple weeks ago, when I heard my ex has gotten engaged. It felt like someone hit me in the face with a lead pipe. Totally devastating. In one swift instant, I went from feeling genuinely happy and fulfilled right back to square one. The same overwhelming feeling of rejection, sadness, loss, you name it. It literally knocked me to the floor. It was just obliterating. Like the 2 years I spent with her were just completely invalid, and 12 months of grief and hard-fought recovery were absolutely negated. I know how awful it is to feel like you've lost so much progress. It's unbelievably frustrating. I know it's not easy, trust me. But you CANNOT beat yourself up about it. It pains me to read "I hate myself for...". Because I'm right there with you. But *please* don't feel that way. You made a mistake. Just one. You'll make others. You're human, and you're under heavy duress. Give yourself a break. It's okay to experience setbacks. It's normal. This entire board is populated with thread after thread written by people who've made mistakes along the way. It's only permanent if you don't learn from it. And it sounds like you have. All any of us can do is to keep moving forward. Hang in there, man. For whatever it's worth, I'm cheering for ya. 1
light_vader Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 My next question is, what is healing TRULY about? Is it to forgive and forget or is it to accept the breakup and lose your emotional connection? The last two are a result, not the means. The first one, is the means to healing from the pain inflicted by this break-up. You see, in the end is all about love. Specially love for yourself. But with hatred or resentment you will never really consider yourself a loving being. So, the last step (and hardest one) is forgiveness. After forgiveness upon the one that hurt you, there comes a state of happiness, love and then you can move on and hopefully having a healthy relationship in the future, with the lessons taken from your previous ones (if that's what you want). 1
radiodarcy Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 First of all, I am almost 4 weeks into NC. Week one was terrible but weeks 2 and 3 I felt so happy and healed to the point where I had no depressive thoughts about my ex. I wasn't constantly thinking about her. I was convinced I was healed that I went out to see a girl i found attractive and had sex with her. The sex was good but after I finished it made me miss what I had with my ex, the emotional connection and love. I had been told by friends is one of the best things to do is to sleep around but instead I think it's making things worse :/ I couldn't get my ex out of my head since then, to the point I resorted to seeing what she was up to on facebook for the first time in a month. She seems so happy which hurt me, she also got her bestfriends to delete off FB when I was actually cool with them. My question is, is having casual sex with someone with no emtional connection going to halter my healing process? My next question is, what is healing TRULY about? Is it to forgive and forget or is it to accept the breakup and lose your emotional connection? It's really annoying me because I thought I was healing until I broke down in tears in the middle of work yesterday because I literally cannot stop thinking about my ex. Thank you in advance for your replies. firstly - - while 4 weeks of NC is great, bear in mind that the ups and down that you're going through are completely normal and may last well past the 4 week mark. i had a breakdown 3 months into NC. and continued to shed tears two months after. as i'm sure you know letting go is a process and it doesn't happen over night. it can take months - - in some cases even years (hopefully not that long - - but for some people it can). you just need to be patient with yourself and allow yourself to experience the emotions as they come. as for sleeping around in order to get over a break up - - i would highly advise against it for the reason you stated: it's only going to make you miss your ex even more. that being said - - it depends on the person. some people may be fine with having casual sex. other people may not. if you don't fall into the latter camp then don't do it. i didn't sleep with someone else until more than a year after the break up -- when i was fully over my ex. and for me it helped sever the final emotional ties i had to him - - but that's probably because he was my first. but again - - that was after i knew i was pretty much done with my ex and had experienced all the emotions pertaining to the break up. as for your other question - - i can only speak for myself but once i reach that point of indifference where i no longer had any emotional ties to my ex and and had accepted that we were not meant to be -- that's when i knew i had truly healed. do i forgive him? yeah - - i guess so. it's pretty much a moot point by now. i mean if he were to ask me for it - - yes i'd give it to him. but at this point it doesn't really mean anything to me anyway because i'm pretty much over it. as for her asking her friend to remove you from fb - - i know it hurts but that's kind of par for the course for break ups. whether you're cool with the or not. it's just not a good idea to keep ties with mutual friends at this point in the break up. besides, you don't need the temptation of going on their pages in the hopes of seeing posts and pics from your ex. 1
Author ThatDudeXO Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 Thank you for the responses. It's making me feel better reading this great advice but I feel scared sometimes. I don't ever know who my mood swings will go... Somedays I'm great but then somedays I can't stop thinking about her. What hurts more is that she seems to have perfectly moved on and is very happy with her life, granted she has a lot of studies that keep her occupied, while me on the other hand am trying so hard to get my career on track. What lightvader said about loving myself...I kind of realised...some of my depression resided from my unhappiness towards my career situation right now, the uncertainty. I know I'm not happy with how my life is right now and what makes it worse is that some days I feel like my progress has been reversed and I'm stuck pining over a person who doesn't think of me half as much. I just want to do what ever it takes not to be back in this hole again. I just want to be genuinely happy no matter what happens. I also want to kind of accept that my ex will start getting with other people because as of right now, she is still my everything when she shouldn't be. If anyone has any tips on avoiding falling back into this depressive hole of pining over my ex, please do tell. I don't want to be feeling that much pain again...
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