Kitty84 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I think the guy I have been seeing for 3 months has dumped me. We met just before Christmas and have had a very passionate, intense time together. Most of it good, some of it very very bad. We have never discussed being exclusive, and I had a plenty of fish profile that I kept, for whatever reason. Had a little look on it every now and then but didn't really actively use it. I had obviously looked at it on my ipad at some point and not bothered to close the window. So guess what happens when my guy comes round on Friday night? He opens my ipad and the first thing he sees is my pof profile. I panicked and tried to lie my way out of it. This didn't work. We spend the whole night arguing and he left early the next day, very very angry. I went to his house on Saturday afternoon to try to sort things out. He wouldn't talk to me all night and I left on Sunday. He's totally ignoring me now and I don't know what to do. I accept that I was horrible to lie to him and have begged him to forgive me, but he won't. I'm petrified I'll never hear from him again.
CaliBabe Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I am going through something with my new guy too. We also have a fire for eachother and had a falling out recently and haven't spoken for a week now. I am at a point where If I am unhappy then it's time to move on. I am giving it time and not pushing for contact. I think at this point, you should give him some time and space to cool off. It sounds like he really likes you and wants to be with you which is probably why he was upset. Give it some time when he is cooled off to speak with him. Speak from your heart and tell him how you really feel. Good luck.
Linda Lee Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Let things settle down before you talk to him, right now he is mad at you, therefore your efforts won't lead to any result. You only have to give him space and time to cool down. You need to make yourself unavailable to him. This may sound the contrary of what you think, but this works, and if he is still in love with you, he couldn’t help but want to have you in his life once again.
Author Kitty84 Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Thanks for your replies - finding the whole NC thing really difficult. I text him by accident last night, meaning to text someone else. He replied 'is that means for one of your boys from the dating website'. It at least opened communication, however strained, and I ended up going to his house late last night. Things were quite awkward and we ended up having quite aggressive sex . He was open to my hugs though which he wasn't at the weekend. I messaged him this morning asking if we wanted me to cook him dinner later - his answer was 'maybe, if you're lucky'. He has quite a few trust issues and is very much a closed book so still finding all this quite difficult.
smudge21 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I'm concerned by the aggressive sex and the line "maybe if you're lucky" from him... sounds like he may be becoming a bit of a jerk! Okay, he's upset and annoyed, but he either takes you back or doesn't, he shouldn't be playing you or keeping you hanging on with lines like that. You should definitely go out of your way to make it up to him for sure, but not at the expense of your own self respect. I've seen that happen so many times when couples get back together and things haven't been sorted properly or one has begged so much that the other has lost all respect for them. It never works afterwards, so try to work through this as adults. Less of the aggressive sex and more of the positive talking me thinks...
Author Kitty84 Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Thanks Smudge - I agree with pretty much everything there. Not idea what I'm doing with my life right now
smudge21 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Not idea what I'm doing with my life right now You're not alone there...
leoc1973 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Hey Kitty I am a guy and been with a girl for 3 months. I kinda caught my girl in a little bit of a lie too and it really kinda made me take a step back from her I had just come out of a 6 year relationship where I was dumped out of the blue so I have a few trust issues too. Be honest with him don't try to sugar coat it or anything like that. Tell him its something you set up before you guys were together and you were just curious or looking for a little ego boost or what ever reason you kept it. I actually have a POF profile and even tho I am seeing her I looked at it once or twice just out of curiousity I am really all about this girl so I wasn't actively looking for anyone or even keeping my options open. I think this guy is just hurt and when he says things like "if your lucky" he is just trying to let you know that he will not be walked over but don't let him walk over you either. The only thing that concerns me a little is the aggressive sex thing because in his mind he might be viewing you as more of a whore now than someone that he views highly. Put your foot down when you need to but don't dismiss his feelings either. Oh and by the way I got over my chicks lie really quick because I like her quite a bit.
Author Kitty84 Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Thanks Leo. I hope it's just me thinking about it too much but I do think I'm into him more than he's into me, which is worrying. With regards to the sex thing, we have quite an - erm- interesting sex life as it is so I'm not overly concerned. Hope he was just letting some anger out. Still not hear from him after that message this morning
Author Kitty84 Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 He's now ignoring me and signing off. So hurtful.
leoc1973 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Guys are really easy to suck in. I consciously know when a girl is playing "the game" and I still can't help it. I went online one time and seen that my ex was doing all 12 or whatever things a girl can do to make a guy go crazy over her. I knew she was doing it and still couldn't help myself. Google something like how to make a guy swoon or chase you or something like that. It really works! Guys ego's are really powerful and if they think a girl might be slipping away they will chase so don't chase him too much!
Linda Lee Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 He's now ignoring me and signing off. So hurtful. That's because you are coming across as a needy person, if you continue to act in this way, you may lose him forever. Don't let him take you for granted. He can see that you love him, so what else is he looking for ? Don't run after him. If you come across as a needy person you'll only push him further away. Instead lead a normal life, always take care of your appearance, hang out with friends and keep yourself busy, once he sees you happy he will regret letting you go of.
Author Kitty84 Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 Thanks for all your replies guys. I know what I should be doing and how I should be acting but this guy is so far under my skin it's unreal. I believe he's the type that, if I don't make the effort, things will just fizzle out. I saw him last night, things were better but he was cold and indifferent to me again this morning. Turning into the kind of person I never thought I would be.
Author Kitty84 Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 (edited) Although, slowly coming to the realisation that maybe he just doesn't like me that much. That kills. Getting lots of 'maybe' answer at the moment. Edited March 15, 2012 by Kitty84
Author Kitty84 Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 Contact instigated by him. Not very nice though. I put something sill yon facebook about making a mess with my food, and he just sent me 'shut up. Lovely.
CaliBabe Posted March 15, 2012 Posted March 15, 2012 Kitty, The man sounds very toxic and belittling. That can't be okay with you. Maybe you have some deep rooted issues on insecurity because a secure person would NOT let anyone treat them this way. He is treating you like garbage! Run away and fast!
Author Kitty84 Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 Cali, that's exactly what he is. I feel so weak that I just let him do it. I want him so badly that I let him. Saw him last night - we had a great time. Both fell asleep on the couch and he woke me up by pulling me to him for a kiss and holding me. Held each other last night and this morning. Then... He got out of the shower and started 'joking' around, saying quite mean things that he thought were funny. I got upset and reacted harshly to him doing this. He threw me out of his house shouting at me, saying I had an attitude problem. Was supposed to be staying at mine tonight, told me this wasn't happening and that I should f*ck off away from him for good. Devastated and feel very stupid.
Author Kitty84 Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 I am going to really try NC. I'm not sure it's the right thing with the trust and abandonment issues he has, but I'm running out of ideas.
smudge21 Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 You can do better, but first you have to believe you can do better. If you don't believe in yourself, no one else will, and people like this, who pray on weakness will forever walk all over you. The moment you're with someone who truly appreciates you, loves you and respects you, you'll look back at all this realise how pathetic this "man" really was! Move on. Please. 1
Author Kitty84 Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 Thanks Smudge. I know what I need to do. I'm scared I'm not strong enough though. Definitely a love addict / unavailable man situation here.
smudge21 Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 It's more a case of that old "wanting what we can't have" - he's pushing you away, and you're reaching out for him because of so. Right now he's just playing you, enjoying the fact you're feeding his ego and pretty much kissing his a**. You need to take back that control he has and understand that this will never change until you do so, it will only get worse. There are truly so many better guys out there (there's a fair few on here who have been through the same with their ex's) and you are throwing your life away wasting your time with someone who clearly doesn't deserve you. I wasted nearly a year chasing/hoping for someone who wasn't the person I thought she was. I was chasing a memory, a vision, a creation of my own mind and heart... not the real person she was. Love makes us blind and it stops us seeing the truth and in doing so, keeps us connected with the person who is often so wrong for us. I heard a line a while ago, it simple was: when one door closes, another opens; but we often spend so much time looking at the closed door, we fail to notice the open one behind us.
Author Kitty84 Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 God I'm so weak. Made the mistake of sending him a message saying I was sorry we fought and hoped he was ok. He straight away sent back 'whatever'. Why can't I be strong
CaliBabe Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 I don't think anyone here can help you Kitty. Everyone here has told you over and over again to go NC and to leave this man but you go back to the abuse. He treats you like total garbage because he knows you will come running back. He would respect you more if you didn't take his sh*t, but you continue to take it and feed his ego. No one here can help you, you have already been given great solid advice. You need to get some professional help.
volkl1996 Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 This comment would concern me: "Had a little look on it every now and then but didn't really actively use it." I have dated online too. And, after a few dates, if I think it's getting more serious, I turn off my online profile. I think you need to ask yourself why you did not.
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