petern Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I am on a dating site. I meet girls from time to time and we end up having sex in the second or third date. I never promise them anything but of course I can sense that they want to become my girlfriend. Problem is the galaxies need to align in order for me to go into a serious / exclusive relationship. I guess past experiences made me very picky and found of my single life, at least until I find that one in a million. Yes, I am totally aware that can take a long time. So my question is: Is it mean or anti-ethical to have sex with a woman and later tell her that you don't want any serious relationship? Should I wait to find out if the woman in question is the one-in-the-million before having sex with her? That means I may not have sex for the next 10 years or so. I always feel bad when I have to tell a girl I do not want anything serious. Some of my friends say I worry too much and I should think about the girls that I liked and did not like me back, but I don't think that's the right way to approach this situation. What do you guys and girls think about that?
simpsonic Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Then you should find a girl who also isn't looking for anything serious. Of course this doesn't guarantee that she won't start feeling attached after you guys sleep together, but at least you both would be on the same page when it comes to what you are (or aren't) looking for.
carhill Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 If you're creating the ambiance of a potential LTR when that is not in your style, yeah, unhealthy and disrespectful of their sensibilities and emotional health. Otherwise, if they're disclosed up-front that the dynamic is casual dating and sex only, adult rules apply. Everyone is responsible for themselves. 4
Andy_K Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 A man of decent morals would do the following: Find out her intentions before you have sex with her - in other words, is she looking for a relationship or just casual dating? If she is only interested in a relationship and not casual dating/sex, and you have already determined that for whatever reason she's not quite right for you in that sense, then don't **** her. You're unfairly leading her on. If on the other hand she's not looking for anything serious, or she is but you still genuinely believe there's a fair chance she could be right for you, then by all means go ahead. You could, alternatively, avoid asking any kind of question about her intentions so you can have guilt-free sex, absolving yourself of the communication responsibility and putting it on her instead. This is called being an irresponsible jackass. 4
TaraMaiden Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 if you indicate on your profile that you are not looking for anything serious, and you're just looking for a girl with similar intentions - just to have a good time - then you cannot be accused of using a serious dating site just to find a pair of legs that will open for you. good-time girls DO exist (and good on 'em, why not?) but not every girl you 'tamper' with is going to thank you - or respect you for the experience. And your reputation will start to spread.... 2
oldguy Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 ...also, how do you feel knowing that, right now, your future perfect is having sex with some guy who has your attitude. ...or, have you considered these dates you are sleeping with may feel a bit guilty because they might be taking advantage of you. I've heard woman like sex too. I know I've been saying this a lot lately but; perspective, it's all about perspective, not just ours, (that's easy), but someones else's too. 2
Forever Learning Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 (edited) ...also, how do you feel knowing that, right now, your future perfect is having sex with some guy who has your attitude. ...or, have you considered these dates you are sleeping with may feel a bit guilty because they might be taking advantage of you. I've heard woman like sex too. Oh, you tickle my funny bone. Love it!!! Edited March 13, 2012 by Forever Learning
sid3 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I'm going to say yeah its bad. Probably not what most girls are going to want to hear from someone the just had sex with for the first time. I wouldn't worry about not having sex again for ten years. The galaxy will be aligning in December.
zengirl Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 If you're creating the ambiance of a potential LTR when that is not in your style, yeah, unhealthy and disrespectful of their sensibilities and emotional health. Otherwise, if they're disclosed up-front that the dynamic is casual dating and sex only, adult rules apply. Everyone is responsible for themselves. Basically: What carhill said. I think it's fine to have sex with someone outside a LTR as long as you are continually clear with your intentions. If you know someone wants to be your GF, you don't want that, and you still have sex with her without disclosing that information, I'd consider that a lie by omission and not ethical. However, there are plenty of women who enjoy sex and STRs or hookups---why not just find them? I think telling a girl you're not interested in anything serious right AFTER having sex is supremely lame, especially if you knew it BEFORE. Tell her before and see if she still wishes to proceed. Some may.
oldguy Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I'm going to say yeah its bad. Probably not what most girls are going to want to hear from someone the just had sex with for the first time. I wouldn't worry about not having sex again for ten years. The galaxy will be aligning in December. Basically: What carhill said. I think it's fine to have sex with someone outside a LTR as long as you are continually clear with your intentions. If you know someone wants to be your GF, you don't want that, and you still have sex with her without disclosing that information, I'd consider that a lie by omission and not ethical. However, there are plenty of women who enjoy sex and STRs or hookups---why not just find them? I think telling a girl you're not interested in anything serious right AFTER having sex is supremely lame, especially if you knew it BEFORE. Tell her before and see if she still wishes to proceed. Some may. What both zengirl and carhill are saying is' NO, just don't do it, you know it's wrong or you wouldn't be asking. Even IF we say it's right you don't think it is so; NO, keep it in your pants.
sid3 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 What both zengirl and carhill are saying is' NO, just don't do it, you know it's wrong or you wouldn't be asking. Even IF we say it's right you don't think it is so; NO, keep it in your pants. Oh I don't know. Nothing says he has to keep it in his pants. It just may not be the best idea to try and stick it in hers.
Jane2011 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 (edited) If you're creating the ambiance of a potential LTR when that is not in your style, yeah, unhealthy and disrespectful of their sensibilities and emotional health. Otherwise, if they're disclosed up-front that the dynamic is casual dating and sex only, adult rules apply. Everyone is responsible for themselves. Agree with this and want to add something. I think you and most guys can't help yourselves from, to varying degrees, giving the impression that you want more than you really do, pre-sex. Most guys know that having sex with a woman is usually contingent on her feeling emotionally good about you (doesn't have to be the guarantee of a long-term relationship, but taking it off the table completely acts adversely to effect this), not just thinking you're good-looking. Lots of times that means making her feel flattered, safe, etc., a little like the beginning stages of a relationship are happening. I think not even good guys can help themselves from doing this, so badly do they want sex. The last guy I dated still wanted a relationship with me after we had sex. He did not renege on that at all. He treated me wonderfully and wanted me around all the time and wanted to go on a road trip with me, said I was his girlfriend -- the works. But I'll say this, he said a few things before sex that didn't apply after sex. He changed his tune about a particular thing that, had he been explicit about it, I might have bristled. And he probably intuitively knew this, which is why his tune about it was strategically what it was (more pleasing to me) pre-sex. I'm cynical of guys who say they told the woman upfront what they wanted. Usually, that claim means neither of you said anything at all (and that's just as much her fault) or it means you weren't explicit, you just think you were, or you're claiming to be but you weren't. Maybe sometimes you were. I just believe a lot of men can't help do what it takes to get sex and then deal with the rest after. I don't even necessarily think it's your job to stop doing it (although that'd be nice), just women's job to take everything said pre-sex with a huge grain of salt... Edited March 13, 2012 by Jane2011
phineas Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I recently met a 42yr old woman from match.com. She said she just wanted to have fun & see where it goes. I told her that was cool. I also told her I wasn't interested in sharing so if we sleep together it has to be exclusive. She agreed. She showed up & she basically lied about herself. Sent me older pics. She was heavier than her pics. Not unattractive, just not what she presented herself as. First date she wanted to have sex. I figured because she told me she just wanted to have fun why not. so I wrapped it up & gave it to her good. I fully intended to see her again otherwise I wouldn't of slept with her. Next day she asks me if she's good enough for me & where she see's it going and is trying to guilt trip me into a relationship. Honestly I never would of brought her back to my place & had sex with her if she told me she was looking for a relationship. Fricken headache. I'm ready to take my account down & just give up on women all-together. OP, normally sex after a few dates means you are dating & it's usually assumed your sticking around if any talk of a future is made. I personally tell women upfront whether I want anything serious with them or not before sex & let them make the decision. Their adults, if they think their going to sex a guy into a relationship after he tells them it's just fun then that's their fault. 1
ComMan Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Why did you have sex with a FAT chick? Now she thinks she is good enough for guys like you....
stillafool Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 So my question is: Is it mean or anti-ethical to have sex with a woman and later tell her that you don't want any serious relationship? No it is not. As long as you tell the beforehand that is the relationship you want. There is such a thing as FWB relationships, so you might tell them beforehand that is the type of relationship you wish to have.
ScienceGal Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I am on a dating site. I meet girls from time to time and we end up having sex in the second or third date. I never promise them anything but of course I can sense that they want to become my girlfriend. Problem is the galaxies need to align in order for me to go into a serious / exclusive relationship. I guess past experiences made me very picky and found of my single life, at least until I find that one in a million. Yes, I am totally aware that can take a long time. So my question is: Is it mean or anti-ethical to have sex with a woman and later tell her that you don't want any serious relationship? Should I wait to find out if the woman in question is the one-in-the-million before having sex with her? That means I may not have sex for the next 10 years or so. I always feel bad when I have to tell a girl I do not want anything serious. Some of my friends say I worry too much and I should think about the girls that I liked and did not like me back, but I don't think that's the right way to approach this situation. What do you guys and girls think about that? I've had this happen to me before. The guy slept with me twice and then told me he didn't want a relationship with me. I was floored because I had shared personal information with him, and him with me. We had made plans to do things together. I don't know what happened. I felt hurt and used. IMO, if there is a chance you're going to hurt someone, don't do it. Just be up front about what you're looking for. It doesn't have to be specific to the woman you're with, just be honest about the kind of relationship you want. What I've learned is to accept and own the "risk". If I choose to sleep with somone before I have a clear idea about what they want, then I assume the responsibility of possibly being let down. But, it took me being naive and foolish, and getting hurt, to develop this mindset. 1
Author petern Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 Ok. First thanks for all the honest feedback. Adding more details: To have sex and tell bye the next day is MEAN. I agree with that. I did not do that and plan to stick around and see what happens. BUT: That was possible because she did not stay on top of me the following days. I guess she is a mature girl and that gets her bonus points. I guess it comes down to how fast you want to jump into a committed and serious relationship after meeting someone. For example, checking her profile I see that she has uploaded some new pictures and still checking around. That's totally fine, but one should keep in mind that while I am thinking about this I am the one that might get dumped eventually. To have to come to a girl and say: "Hey, I am not sure where this will go but do you still want to have sex?" sounds very weird. The answer will be a big NO and BYE. Sex just happens. Of course any party can say STOP, but that's usually not what happens when two people are connected and enjoying the moment. So it is a delicate situation. Perhaps I should only have sex after we both agree we want to go serious but there are two fundamental problems here: 1 - Even after you agree on that and have sex you can never be sure how long it will take after that (forever or one month!?). Or can you? 2 - Everyone is different but for me to find someone that I am confident I want to go serious takes time and trial and error. So I am setting myself to no sex for a long time. Probably doable, but...
InJest Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 What you've done is not unethical. If someone wants something more than sex, then it is their responsibility to ask up front, not your responsibility to just come out with it unprompted.
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I am on a dating site. I meet girls from time to time and we end up having sex in the second or third date. I never promise them anything but of course I can sense that they want to become my girlfriend. Then yes, its despicable of you to have sex first, then tell them you don't want anything other than that after. Because if you have an idea they want something serious, then you should make sure they will be ok with being considered just someone to f***
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 What you've done is not unethical. If someone wants something more than sex, then it is their responsibility to ask up front, not your responsibility to just come out with it unprompted. I would tend to agree, but I think women see this differently if they truly do think they want more from the guy and the guy can pick up on this.
mickleb Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I guess it comes down to how fast you want to jump into a committed and serious relationship after meeting someone. No, it comes down to what you sense she wants from you and what you know you want from her. If you sense she wants to 'be your girlfriend', as you put it, why not ask her if you're right? If you're so accurate with your predictions, she'll readily agree with you, won't she? Maybe you have no idea what she wants and are too scared to find out? Maybe it's easier for you to take the goodies and run than it is to talk to her like a human being, and face her popping your fantasy? If this is way off the mark, and for some reason, her signals have been as clear as day, that makes you a user, I'm afraid.
spiderowl Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 It is wrong to have sex with a girl and then tell her you don't want anything serious if you think she may be thinking along those lines. Why can't you tell her before you have sex? She can then decide if she wants to have sex with someone who is not serious about her. Some girls will be happy to have such a casual relationship but others will be very hurt by your actions, particularly if you did not try to tell her upfront. How would you like someone to treat you if you were getting keen on them and were considering a serious relationship?
lospantalonsfancie Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 It is your moral responsibility to make your intentions clear. Now, you may be worried that doing so will mean that many girls will decide not to have sex with you, and as a result you will stop having sex as much as you would like. Don't worry about that; if you do it right, that WONT happen. In my personal experience, and the experience of most guys I've discussed this with, being upfront with a girl about sexual intentions and being honest about the unlikelyhood of a relationship only makes a girl want to sleep with you MORE, at least in most cases. There are many reasons this happens. One reason, I suspect, is that they think they can change your mind and are turned on by the challenge. Another possible reason is that your honesty takes the pressure off and they decide to have some fun. A third possibility, which is the one I feel is the most likely explanation in most cases I've encountered, is that girls are turned on by a man who is up-front and honest: even though they don't like what you say or feel, they at least feel safe in knowing that you won't deceive them by thinking one thing and saying another, and that ironically makes them trust you MORE. Regardless of the reason, however, once you've expressed your honest intentions you've done your gentlemanly duty, and whatever the woman chooses to do from thereon in is her decision. 2
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