Stupidme Posted June 9, 2004 Posted June 9, 2004 This may be long-please bare with me. I have just lost the best thing that ever happend to me in my life. I am the one who broke it off, but the good thing is it has brought me to a realization that I am a commitment phobe. I am seeking help with this by a professional therapist recommended by the ex. I have been to 4 sessions now and there is an amazing clairity. I will keep going until we see fit. The problem is it took breaking up with( not once but twice) the most wonderful and amazing girl that I have ever laid my eyes on. She has lost all trust in me after 2 years of a realationship that was leading to a marriage proposal. I broke her heart to many times and now that i have some clarity to why I did this I am dealing with the absoulute pain of not having her in my life. We have been broken up now for six weeks, the first two weeks I was in complete denial and had no contact with her. She had called to see how I was doing and we talked about what I needed to do the first go around but did not follow through, so when we got back together I fell right back into my old patterns...then I ended it again. Funny thing is I feel the love I have for her like no other and I knew somehting was not complete, that was me. So I broke it off for the second time and really broke her heart. This time I am following through with my promise to me and her, but I am afraid I have been at bat one two many times for her to trust me again. The pain is so great without her...She had called me two weeks ago to tell me about a blind date she went on, and it turned out ok...she went out with this guy again and he tried to kiss her, but she turned her head and felt like and idot...she then called me to tell me about it..I talked to her as a freind and that is all. She then called me this past weekend at 230am and wanted me to come over..we made love that night and then in the morning, I was the happist man in the world. She told me I had to go but she loves me...That was Sunday..We talked monday about her buying a condo and us..She wants to see where I am in six months and that is all she gave me...then she said all this contact has to stop..she will call me...It has been two days now and no contact from her..It is killing me..what do I do? I will admit that I called her some to and would text message her also, she was not the only one doing the contacting..I am really confused about the making love issue..Why Would she do that and then need space..She even told me it was amazing and how much she misses me ans loves me???? Please someone help...I now see my problem with commitment, but do not want to lose her over this...I want to marry her if i ever get her back...She knows all of this after sending her a 4 page letter on what happend and why..she said the letter was amazing!!! This no contact is killing me...it takes all kind of will power to not call or text or e mail her...i have not givin in yet...because of this board..Thanks..signed Stupidme
princess75 Posted June 12, 2004 Posted June 12, 2004 What can I say, we are in the situation but I am the girl. The difference I did come back to him, after he begging to come back. But what happened? After 4 months, he comes with his commitment issues again. He constantly keeps on telling me, he doesnt want to marry, and he might want to 2 years later, but not now; and doesn't even know if with me. I broke up for him. This time for good ( I guess) He has torn me into pieces, and I cant tolerate his phobia. We have already been going out for 2 and more. Now coming to your situation. I really believe you are doing a lot of the job to improve your commitment issues by going to a therapist. Does she know about it? I think you said she recommended it, she definitely should know you are doing all for the relationship. She should appreciate it for both of u. And u should ask her patience. Ask her to give you you your space, while being in the relationship. I gave him ALL the space, but I got fed up of being there for him, without reciprocating in same manner. Funny, I broke up two days ago too. Well, I dont really have much advice, I think best advicer might be your gf. Talk to her , open communication is the bet of best methods. But listen to her carefully, to really work on it. Take care
Author Stupidme Posted June 14, 2004 Author Posted June 14, 2004 Thanks for your advice Princess 75. We did talk today and had lunch, but she still will not take me back right now. She thinks I still need time around 6 mos or so, she does not want to do the no contact thing which I guess is great!!! I just really want her back right now, but that is not possible...I need to deal with me right now and get over this awful pain being without her...Love sometimes really sucks!!!
princess75 Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 If it helps... I am in the same boat as you are. Yesterday I went to see my bf (broke up 5 days now) and he wants space now. It is funny, the whole point was for him to think and come back to me. But things have changed now, I don't know if it is his ego macho thing. But well, I am now feeling that maybe It is better. I might move on, I don't think I will wait for him. See, he is the one who made fits in the relationship...then why should I bother right? Never mind, good luck. By the way, frankly speaking 6 months is too much to wait, you guys should work on it together. That is what I think good luck
zigster Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 I have heard this all before, from my ex. We were together 5 years on an off. Everytime things got too close he'd break things off. This time we broke up because I got pregnant (and miscarried). That made him really panic. But I lived everyday wondering what would tip him over the edge... My advice to anyone dating a commitment phobe is to tell them to get therapy before you get involved with them. They will break your heart, if not once then many times. There are nice genuine people out there trying to love commitment phobes and it just isnt possible until they sort themselves out...and they wont do it cause you want them too. They will tell you they want you and make it sound wonderful, but ultimately they dont have the staying power to hold a relationship together long term. My ex wanted it all, pushed for commitment from me, then as soon as I felt comfortable he'd run a mile. I am so tired of it, it is unreliable and impossible to feel secure when you never know when you will break up again. My advice to you stupidme, is to get yourself in order before you involve someone in your life. Think about the peron who's feelings you are mucking around with, trust is so important and you keep destroying it. Unfortunately you now have a big uphill battle to win your girl back. Make sure you really can commit yourself to sorting yourself out before you even try to commit yourself to her....otherwise it will just be further heartbreak for her and she will hate you for it. Indicentally, getting together like you did, suggests to me she still cares about you and misses you, but she also sounds hurt and scared. I still feel this about my ex. Its hard to give up someone you love, even when you realise they may never be able to commit to the relationship. On a good note, I think its great you are making efforts to improve yourself. Leave your poor ex alone and tell her you dont want to hurt her again. Sort yourself out and discuss with your therapist when/if you are really ready to make a commitment to her. Otherwise, if you really love her, leave her alone.
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