Pyrannaste Posted June 9, 2004 Posted June 9, 2004 I am jealous of one of my bf's exes. I really should not be jealous of her since it's almost two years he did not meet her in person and they hear from each other only very rarely. I never met her in person, but I am very jealous of the way he talks about her. He says that she is very pretty (he scores one point because he also told me I have a body that is as good as hers), plus she cares a lot about her body, and she was always wearing expensive lingerie. She also have dark curly hair (my bf loves curly hair. mine isn't ). According to him she is very intelligent -extremely intelligent-, very intuitive, someone you can discuss with, that she has this wonderful personality, she is always smiling, full of positive energy, attractive,the kind of person that instills 'good mood' in you. Looks like she is also a great cook. When I told him I'd need to hear from his mouth that he'd not choose her over me, all I got was "we could not go along well, she has a kind of personality that would not match with mine. She'd also not want to get together with me, and if she did she would cheat on me. When I told him that he talked about her like she was some kind of goddess, and he said (I hope he was just joking. I really hope he just wanted to say something silly) "she has not blue eyes either", i wanted to slap him. I don't friggin'have blue eyes!!!! You might be wondering why I'm not posting in the 'jealousy'forum. Well, that's because she was never really the ex, he was just the OM. They saw each other for about a month (perhaps even shorter than that) behind her bf's back. They never had real sex, only oral. He didn't manage to have sex with her. Because of the situation. Also, he said that while she acted very sexy, she acted like a great turn on, was a great kisser, was great at flirting/arousing once she was about to have sex she became extremely passive, sort of cold, in a 'men have to do all the work' attitude. In other words, she looked she was very boring in bed. I am wondering whether the reason why he talks about this girl like she was so wonderful, is that he was just the OM. She had a bf and he got the crumbs. And that perhaps he really never got to know her well. A month of sporadic meetings is not much. I tend to believe that if for some reasons I had broken up with my bf after the first month we were together, he'd be describing me in a way very similar. Just telling positive things. In a month you just get to know someone's nice sides. I wonder if he just did not have the time to get to see better her bad sides. I'd love to hear opinions about whether it's possible to idealize someone only beacuse you are his OW/her OM. Did anything like this happen to anyone? either to idealize a 'lover' you had a short relationship with (and who was in a relationship with someone else) or to be jealous of one of SO's exes with whom the SO was the OM/OW.
Confused123 Posted June 10, 2004 Posted June 10, 2004 Hi Pyrannaste: I kinda know what oyu are talking about. when I first got involved with my current boyfriend, he made one of his ex's (not a OM, type of deal), but he made her out to be this WONDERFUL girl, who was sooo smart, blah, balh. I f I have to hear that girls life story on more time i think I am going to puke... So, in your situsation I would tell him to shut the fuc$ up... Personally, I am fine with hearing about my boyfriends past, but not all the things he loved about another women. Honestly, I don't really give a sh&t. I suggest you take that attitude with him... Honestly, the mention of that girl drives me crazy, He loves to tell me her oh is me story. About how she grew up in a trailor park, but really is a genuis, balh, blah, blah.. Just tell him to stop talking about her, jyst tell him you don't give a **** about what she looked like, if she was a good kisser. Jeus, men need to learn to keep there big mouths shut. p.s- did the party happen yet?
miz_barby Posted June 10, 2004 Posted June 10, 2004 If she was so great why didn't he continue to pursue her? How sad that he would continue to talk about her like he longs for her when he has you! Saying have as good of a body as her!!! Hello!! He should be saying "baby you're a whole lot better" Obviously it sounds like he doesn't respect you very much, I would be like "knock it off or I'm outty" No one deserves to be compared to an ex that he couldn't hold onto! If he doesn't stop I say Move on and find someone who'll love and respect you for who you are and not constantly compare you to someone else!
Author Pyrannaste Posted June 10, 2004 Author Posted June 10, 2004 Thanks for your replies! I really appreciate them Confused 123, Honestly, the mention of that girl drives me crazy, He loves to tell me her oh is me story. About how she grew up in a trailor park, but really is a genuis, balh, blah, blah.. Just tell him to stop talking about her, jyst tell him you don't give a **** about what she looked like, if she was a good kisser. Jeus, men need to learn to keep there big mouths shut. He stopped when he realized it upset me.... which is good!!! To be honest most of the times it is not like he started talking about her out of the blue, she was just mentioned and we started talking about her, sometimes I asked questions too. I'd have reacted very badly if he had been retolding me all the story like your bf does. I hope he realized it's pretty untactflul and that he stopped! What really upset me the most is hearing that she has a great brain.... I once talked to her on the phone (in the first year of the relationship I called him at home and he was there with her having coffee , I got to exchange a few words) ...she sounded full of herself, and pretty stupid. She told me something like "I'm glad you got together with [bf's name], he's areally great person". While he was there listening! I didn't like the sound of it so I told her I'd have appreciated the comment hadn't my bf been listening to her, but since he was there she sounded very pathetic flattering him in this lame way. No, I was not nice, but it was ashock to know he was with his ex. Since all of my friends(and all common friends) seem to think that I have a great brain, it is quite annoying to hear my bf speak about that girl like she is a genius. If he had ever called me a genius, it would be different. Sounds like he thinks I am intelligent (he said he'd never date a girl who is not) but ...well, not as much as her. Or his other ex. Or quite a lot of his friends. Funny thing is that there is another ex of his he talks very well about... but I'm not jealous of her, first because they haven't heard from each other since before we got together, then because by the way he describes her....I think she must be cool too, I'd love to get to know her. I also don't feel jealous about this other ex because she is 13 years older than me(6 older than my bf).....not because i think younger=better looking - I got to see a pic and I'd call her prettier than me- but because older=more interesting. And she is a surgeon, and has a lot of interests. And she was not cheating on anyone when she dated my bf. I'll take your advice..... if he ever mentions her again by chance I won't ask *anything*, and possibly try not to get insecure. Funnt thing is that the only time he said something about her beautiful personality and I, instead of having a jealousy fit and acting insecure I just yawned and said "....so what?" he seemed to appreciate that attitude. I guess he likes it when he sees that I'm confident.....perhaps this is why it is impossible to get from him what I want to hear if he doesn't feel like saying it. p.s- did the party happen yet? Not yet...it will be on the 20th of june. thanks for asking! miz_barby, He should be saying "baby you're a whole lot better" This might sound stupid, but a few times I actually *asked* him to say that I'm a lot better. I told him I needed to hear I am a lot better. That he'd not swap me for her. Well, no way. Zero. This does not work. He'd either remain silent or say 'tell me what you want me to say' or tell 'I'd not swap you with her' (or quote other sentences from me) in a kind of parrot-tone.... just to make me understand that he's saying it because I put it in his mouth. He does not really mean to be a jerk when he does so.....he is the kind of person who hates to have words put in his mouth, that will tell things when he feels like doing it.... I guess it can also be his way to attempt to 'make me grow up' and become less insecure.... he does that kind of things because he thinks I should be self confident, and realize certain things on my own. And my self confidence can't be irreversibly tied to what he says or says not. Like, I should not need to hear it from him to know he wants to be with me, or that I'm good looking. Also, I don't really know if he is comparing me to her. I guess he regards me as a different individual....I'm positive he is not dating me only for what I've in common with his exes. (Which I hope is not much) It's just upsetting that she sounds this good.....I almost wish he had had the time to date her...get together with her and see if she looked that great as a girlfriend, too, and not only as a 'lover'! Sorry about the long posts. I'm a bit of a graphomaniac when it comes to relationship stuff;)
Sundaymorning Posted June 10, 2004 Posted June 10, 2004 Man, that is not cool that you know so much about her. Must totally suck. I dont think its healthy for you to think like this- idolizing this chick. Not good. Do not compare yourself against her. That is probably very very bad for your emotional state and I bet you do not notice it. Take care of yourself!!!
Author Pyrannaste Posted June 11, 2004 Author Posted June 11, 2004 SundayMorning, you are right. It is not healthy. If I get to think about it, it does no good to my emotional state. Which is already pretty screwed up . Now that your post made me to thing about it, a few times when I was upset about an argument I found myself thinking "I bet he'd have not treated Maria (ex's name) like this". I am secretely sure he would put more effort with her. While I can't really say, they just dated less than a month and in a sneaky way. The fact that I got to think these things is a pretty bad sign. And why should I think she's better than me. I don't really know her. Never met her. My bf says I should so I might stop to be jealous. He's probably right, I might not even find her attractive at all. I might even be prettier than her if I was a spoiled girl like her and had the money to afford great sexy clothes, and beauty treatments like she did. I might think she is not intelligent at all but a plain idiot(hey, wait, i already do). And she was cheating on her bf. So she must not really be this great. It was even my bf to dump her because he got tired of the situation. Thanks, sundaymorning.
young&idealistic Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 Your quote: This might sound stupid, but a few times I actually *asked* him to say that I'm a lot better. I told him I needed to hear I am a lot better. That he'd not swap me for her. Well, no way. Zero. This does not work. He'd either remain silent or say 'tell me what you want me to say' or tell 'I'd not swap you with her' (or quote other sentences from me) in a kind of parrot-tone.... just to make me understand that he's saying it because I put it in his mouth. He does not really mean to be a jerk when he does so.....he is the kind of person who hates to have words put in his mouth, that will tell things when he feels like doing it.... It seems as though he doesn't care that you have insecurities. If your bf can't smile and kiss you and tell you he wouldn't swap you for some ex... something doesn't add up. From your wording it almost seems that you feel you should be glad that he's "settled" for you! Giving your bf the benefit of the doubt, he sees all of this as "silly woman's worries." But if there is something bothering you, he should not dismiss it. Your feelings are important, and by trying to ignore them in the hopes that they'll go away, he's distancing himself from you. Again, your quote: I guess it can also be his way to attempt to 'make me grow up' and become less insecure.... he does that kind of things because he thinks I should be self confident, and realize certain things on my own. And my self confidence can't be irreversibly tied to what he says or says not. Like, I should not need to hear it from him to know he wants to be with me, or that I'm good looking. How old are you? Do you need a boyfriend to make you "grow up?" Or do you need a man who can respect the fact that you are an adult and have adult feelings? Maybe your bf should grow up.
Debster Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 Ok, once I combine reading this post with your other one about the party, IMO it reveals a few things: 1) He can be very insensitive 2) He made a bad judgement in providing this information 3) You ask for/want way too much information about his past - focus on the present and the future. 4) You have self-esteem/insecurity issues. 5) You are pissing him off and he is afraid to tell you things because of how you will react. Most men do not analyze every word in a conversation so they are not very careful in their wording. If they feel like they have to watch every word they say, the relationship will get old really quickly. Also, this is not healthy for your self-esteem. RELAX. Is all of this really worth the energy, stress and possibly losing him. Personally, I don't think it is.
Author Pyrannaste Posted June 15, 2004 Author Posted June 15, 2004 Most men do not analyze every word in a conversation so they are not very careful in their wording. If they feel like they have to watch every word they say, the relationship will get old really quickly. Also, this is not healthy for your self-esteem. RELAX. Is all of this really worth the energy, stress and possibly losing him. Personally, I don't think it is. You are right once again Debster. I guess that the *only* person who is responsible of my self-esteem is *me*, not my boyfriend. I guess I'm going to look for websites with tips for enhancing my self-esteem. And-if we don't break up- I'll have to try to stop begging for compliments, reassuring words, anything. *expecially*in the periods where I'm not getting any. They would be the worst moments to 'ask' for them. I'd not get any. I'd feel bad. I'd get upset. and so on. If some people I don't like(girls in his frat, his ex)are mentioned) I'll try to stay calm. Relaxing...that is going to be hard. But I must someway manage it. I was a very calm, relaxed, non jealous-type, understanding person at the beginning of the relationship.... I must try really hard to become again that way. My bf told me that right today(not for the first time).....that he feels like he has to watch every word he says. Major turn-off and pissing off thing to him. I guess that since there are some things I *really* can't stand to hear, I'll at least try to avoid getting upset at all other things that he says that can bother me. Like, while I still know that no matter how hard I try I'll lose my temper if I get a description of one of the frat girls' breast , I'll do my best not to get all fussy if his ex or any of the girls in his frat are mentioned. Thanks again for your help.
cherished Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 He shouldn't be describing the "frat girl's" breast! I read this post and your other about the party as well and well I'm sorry but I do NOT think your BF respects you very much or else he just doesn't get the concept of respect period!! Debster is right that you do have low self esteem and my bet is that you're a pretty girl with no reason to have low self esteem! You need to make yourself FEEL pretty on the inside as well as the out! Outside beauty is so OVER played! It matters what's on the INSIDE as well! Just because someone has a good body doesn't mean they are a good person...if they are ugly and jealous on the inside what happens when they lose their surface beauty like in an accident or something...what does that leave them? TO many people focus on the exterior and try and base a relationship on attraction and though I agree that attraction is a factor you can't build a life on that alone! Ok anyway I have one question about this post you mentioned above that: I really should not be jealous of her since it's almost two years he did not meet her in person and they hear from each other only very rarely. Are you saying he had a relationship with this person that he never met in person was it like an online thing or did you have a typo??
Author Pyrannaste Posted June 15, 2004 Author Posted June 15, 2004 Cherished, thanks for your reply Are you saying he had a relationship with this person that he never met in person was it like an online thing or did you have a typo?? Not really a typo, it's just that my english is bad It was not an online thing, but a real one The last time he actually met her was in december 2002, at a party she threw when she got her university degree party. Since then they have heard frome each other once in a while on the phone( like at X-mas, or on each other's birthday) but never caught up in person. They are probably going to see each other for a drink some day. BTW, do you think it's okay to ask your bf to inform you if he is meeting with his ex, and not to meet her at his or her place but somewhere else? Or is that controlling?
cherished Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 You have 100% right to ask if he is meeting his ex and requesting him NOT to meet her at his place or her's is ok! Why would he meet an ex at one of their houses instead of someplace public? I wouldn't be ok with my BF meeting an ex at her house because I would assume that things would go to far and they would end up sleeping together! Usually one or the other must still have feelings for the other person if they are still trying to see each other and going out for drinks! That is NOT controlling...think of it this way...how would he feel if you were meeting with your ex for a drink or whatever and he didn't know about it. Wouldn't he feel that was something inappropriate or is just casually dating you? You said your english was the problem....where are you from originally?
Author Pyrannaste Posted June 16, 2004 Author Posted June 16, 2004 Cherished, thanks again for your reply. You have 100% right to ask if he is meeting his ex and requesting him NOT to meet her at his place or her's is ok! Why would he meet an ex at one of their houses instead of someplace public? I wouldn't be ok with my BF meeting an ex at her house because I would assume that things would go to far and they would end up sleeping together! I don't assume he'd cheat on me with his ex if he met her at her place, I guess it would make me unconfortable just because of that day in the first year of our relationship I called him at home and he was with his ex. It was a bit shocking to me I guess. I didn't like her on the phone, and I didn't like it when he told me that she was dressed in a sexy way that day. I got the distinct impression that that day she wanted to meet him just to see if he was still interesting to her. And I'm positive that if she had still found him interesting she would have badly flirted with him. Possibly in a physical way. From what he told me about her, she is just that kind of person. Usually one or the other must still have feelings for the other person if they are still trying to see each other and going out for drinks! I don't think it is always this way. I guess it is possible still wanting to meet an ex without being interested in her. But I don't like this one ex of his exes and... well, I still am afraid he'd change me with her if he could. how would he feel if you were meeting with your ex for a drink or whatever and he didn't know about it. Wouldn't he feel that was something inappropriate or is just casually dating you? Good question. Unfortunately I have no exes (well, there were a couple of guys I went out with for a while/had a fling(no sex)with but I'm not in contact with them) so I can't really know.... if I ever wanted to know and asked him, the situation of me meeting with an ex would be too hypotetical to get a real answer. You said your english was the problem....where are you from originally? I am italian..I live in the north of Italy.
Debster Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 And-if we don't break up- I'll have to try to stop begging for compliments, reassuring words, anything. *expecially*in the periods where I'm not getting any. They would be the worst moments to 'ask' for them. I'd not get any. I'd feel bad. I'd get upset. and so on. Even if you do break up, you need to work on your self esteem. Not because of a man or to keep a man - but for yourself. Good luck.
Author Pyrannaste Posted June 16, 2004 Author Posted June 16, 2004 Even if you do break up, you need to work on your self esteem. Not because of a man or to keep a man - but for yourself. Good luck. I'll do my best . Thanks again.
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 BTW, do you think it's okay to ask your bf to inform you if he is meeting with his ex, and not to meet her at his or her place but somewhere else? Or is that controlling? It might be considered "controlling" to someone who didn't want to give up their ex-bonks. On the other hand, you have EVERY right to set your OWN personal relationship boundaries. If someone is not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who insists on entertaining ex-lovers and opposite sex friends…then they certainly don't have to. It's their life, their choice. If someone is not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who insists they give up their ex-lovers and opposite sex friends…they certainly don't have to, either. Again; it's their life and their choice. Fundamentally, what this means is that the two of you have two very different value systems. Neither of you are "wrong"…just "different." His idea of what constitutes a relationship and yours is wholly opposite. Unless one of you is willing to compromise your beliefs, it will never work. You'll drive each other crazy trying to convince the other to see things your way, and it will eventually become the festering issue that breaks you down. Better to get out of this kind of relationship before you've invested too much, even better to avoid getting involved in one in the first place. For me: When I meet someone who has acquired a harem of ex-bonks-turned-platonic-friends, it immediately raises a red flag. And what I have found, is that these people (guys in my case) are often more loyal and attentive to their platonic friends than their primary partner…which often explains why they have a hard time sustaining long-term relationships in the first place, and how it is they've acquired so many ex-bonks-now-turned-platonic-friends! If a man is more devoted to his ex or harem of gal pals then his girlfriend, then why wouldn't a smart woman choose to be just a "platonic friend" as well? This way, she'd get the best of both worlds without having to bonk him or make any commitments or promises. It's been my personal experience, having known MANY male friends like this, that these guys are a lot of "fun" to hang out with when you've got nothing better going on…but they rarely make good bed buddies or stable relationship partners.
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