sid3 Posted March 16, 2012 Posted March 16, 2012 It's just that opposite sex friendships often require more communication and clarity to avoid misinterpretation or hurt feelings. How'd that work out with gramps? Hopefully it wasn't too ackward. Wild wild west, no doubt!
Author RedRobin Posted March 16, 2012 Author Posted March 16, 2012 How'd that work out with gramps? Hopefully it wasn't too ackward. Wild wild west, no doubt! Not awkward at all... I insisted the same age friend he set me up with isn't interested in me. He insists he might be and I just need to give it more time. Then we went back and forth on the "He's just not into you" tells. He asked me if I wanted him to continue to scope out guys for me, and I said yea... except next time he needs to check in ADVANCE if the guy has a girlfriend (which neither of us know. Ugh). He did the minimal and checked to see if he was divorced. There are some generational differences there, I think. Then we had a nice talk about his daughter (who he just visited last week). His daughter is in her 30's. I was using some subliminal mo-jo on that one! So, it's all good with me and my surrogate dad. Especially since I told him he's like my surrogate dad awhile ago. How is the house thing going?
dispatch3d Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 I agree that if the other person isn't reciprocating in a friend type way, it probably isn't a healthy friendship. This applies to same sex or opposite sex friendships. It's just that opposite sex friendships often require more communication and clarity to avoid misinterpretation or hurt feelings. Why not just go to the wedding with her? Make it clear you are just friends and scope out the scene for other dating opportunities? Maybe you could ask her to set you up with one of her friends there. Couldn't hurt! all of her friends are ugly. Also its her wedding she wants me to go to and I'm just like no I think not. lol as a side note if she wanted me to go with her to some wedding I would also turn that down. Go figure.
Author RedRobin Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 all of her friends are ugly. Also its her wedding she wants me to go to and I'm just like no I think not. lol as a side note if she wanted me to go with her to some wedding I would also turn that down. Go figure. Um. Ok. If I were you, I'd be thinking at the very least... ... free food. Maybe free booze. Could be a swanky location. Gives me an excuse to dress up and look awesome in pictures... the kind that look good in OLD and makes it look like I have a life. Are you sure you've met ALL of her friends? You never know... anyway, it's not nice calling her friends ugly though... maybe you deserve to sit home with your microwave meal flippin the remote control?? It wouldn't kill ya to go.
ascendotum Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Why not just go to the wedding with her? Make it clear you are just friends and scope out the scene for other dating opportunities? Maybe you could ask her to set you up with one of her friends there. Couldn't hurt! Have you ever set up any of your male friends with your girl friends? Its something I've never seen happen all that often or when it happens the female friend is not what you would call femine. Guys are better off taking the initiative to flirt with their female friend, frends imo, (even if she resents it).
Author RedRobin Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 Have you ever set up any of your male friends with your girl friends? Its something I've never seen happen all that often or when it happens the female friend is not what you would call femine. Guys are better off taking the initiative to flirt with their female friend, frends imo, (even if she resents it). Yes. I have. Not sure what you mean about the woman not being 'feminine'. Knowing both parties very well puts me in a very good position to gauge their values, interests, and goals. I don't set my friends up for random hookups or 'good times'. If they are sincerely looking for a life partner, I feel somewhat obliged as a friend to point them in the right direction if someone crosses my path. Two of my male friends have done the same for me. Nothing beats personal references. I set my friends up based on my assessment of deeper things than looks. I won't set my guy friends up with my girlfriends they think are 'hot' if I don't think they would be a good match. Sorry. He's on his own. In that case, he is probably thinking with his d*ck and they don't need MY help with the 'little' brain.
ascendotum Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 The women were more inclined to set up their girfriends who had trouble getting guys. I just feel women are protective of their close friends, and since they don't find the male friend worthwhile for themselves, that they likely think along the same lines for their close girl friends. Maybe they like the status quo of having a single male friend with time for them. Just my experience & obsevarions and with conversations I've had with my mates over the opportunities of getting set up by a female friend. Its good that there's been 2 way support with you and your single guy friends for prospects.
joystickd Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Have you ever set up any of your male friends with your girl friends? Its something I've never seen happen all that often or when it happens the female friend is not what you would call femine. Guys are better off taking the initiative to flirt with their female friend, frends imo, (even if she resents it). Oh sh*t!! I forgot lesbians do make good friends. Thats my only exception on male/ female platonic friendship
Author RedRobin Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 (edited) The women were more inclined to set up their girfriends who had trouble getting guys. I just feel women are protective of their close friends, and since they don't find the male friend worthwhile for themselves, that they likely think along the same lines for their close girl friends. Maybe they like the status quo of having a single male friend with time for them. Just my experience & obsevarions and with conversations I've had with my mates over the opportunities of getting set up by a female friend. Its good that there's been 2 way support with you and your single guy friends for prospects. I'm not sure if there is any deep motive on either side. We all want each other to be happy. I find that most people don't get involved in their friend's personal dating decisions/life because they don't want to be involved in the fallout of things don't go well. It's too bad though. I think we should all be filters for our friends. That is what real friends are for. To have each other's back.... ya know? My female friends have asked me, if he's so great, why aren't YOU dating him? Well, sometimes there are values differences that would make putting a life together unreasonable. For instance, my ex-BF and I had many discussions about careers, job locations, etc... and it became clear that he expected to take the 'lead' there. He expected to take the 'lead' in many areas, and that is just not my style. He's not the best at negotiation. Plus he was 9 years younger than me. A bit of a stretch for both of us, TBH. I have a female friend from college who is exactly his age, never married (like him) and also wanted more of a traditional man. Bingo. They are both good people, looking for the same things. And they both like me... so there must be some overlap in sense of humor, etc. They did end up talking and corresponding for awhile... and I think attracted to each other, but it was a long distance thing that neither of them were in a position to bridge. Edited March 17, 2012 by RedRobin
Author RedRobin Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Oh sh*t!! I forgot lesbians do make good friends. Thats my only exception on male/ female platonic friendship Especially if it involved a joystickd 'sandwich'?? Sorry, couldn't help myself... You're a good sport. Oh wait, you did say platonic. Never mind
grkBoy Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 I don't mind having female friends as long as she isn't trying to make half a boyfriend out of me. Meaning she's not having a dating, cuddling, "listen to me cry about men all the time" thing...but yet holding off at physical intimacy. I think it's fine if women want to forsake having loving relationships for friendships, but some tend to try to fulfill the "intellectual" part of a boyfriend through their friends...meaning they do it all except physical intimacy.
Titania22 Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 I don't mind having female friends as long as she isn't trying to make half a boyfriend out of me. Meaning she's not having a dating, cuddling, "listen to me cry about men all the time" thing...but yet holding off at physical intimacy. I think it's fine if women want to forsake having loving relationships for friendships, but some tend to try to fulfill the "intellectual" part of a boyfriend through their friends...meaning they do it all except physical intimacy. Ok I understand and agree with your first paragraph, because that obviously wouldn't be friendship. What I don't get is the bolded? What is the intellectual part of having a boyfriend?
somedude81 Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Ok I understand and agree with your first paragraph, because that obviously wouldn't be friendship. What I don't get is the bolded? What is the intellectual part of having a boyfriend? I think he means the talking part. A boyfriend has to provide two things. 1. Talk and listen to her. 2. Sex her. Though what happens too often, the woman will find a guy to talk to which gives that need taken care of for her, then go have sex with somebody else. Or maybe she doesn't have sex with anybody at all. Either way, the guy she's talking to isn't getting anything. He's just there to absorb.
udolipixie Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 I think he means the talking part. A boyfriend has to provide two things. 1. Talk and listen to her. 2. Sex her. Though what happens too often, the woman will find a guy to talk to which gives that need taken care of for her, then go have sex with somebody else. Or maybe she doesn't have sex with anybody at all. Either way, the guy she's talking to isn't getting anything. He's just there to absorb. If he's a friend then most likely he gets a friend to talk to as well depending on if she's a good or bad friend.
AlexDP Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Wait--are you saying that your male friends treat you better than they treat their partners? Because that doesn't really mesh with this: Her post was completely nonsense. She contradicted herself on numerous occasions. It was just an emotional outburst from a woman who is not in a relationship, but wants to be and is rationalising her emotions up to the point she believes she likes things the way they are.
Author RedRobin Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 If he's a friend then most likely he gets a friend to talk to as well depending on if she's a good or bad friend. Exactly. What I'm protesting is this all or nothing approach to friendships between men and women. Anyway, where do men think they are going to get 'practice' being a loving, caring person who can provide emotional support to a woman?? They aren't getting that practice in their sex-based relationships... that's for friggin sure. Not like alot of them care... and that is my point. They show up to get sex and toss out a few crumbs in the forms of financial support (which alot of women don't need anymore) and those men think that is enough. That WAS enough when women didn't have any choice and had to stick with men for survival. It's not anymore, which is at the heart of this discussion/debate.
Author RedRobin Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 I don't mind having female friends as long as she isn't trying to make half a boyfriend out of me. Meaning she's not having a dating, cuddling, "listen to me cry about men all the time" thing...but yet holding off at physical intimacy. I think it's fine if women want to forsake having loving relationships for friendships, but some tend to try to fulfill the "intellectual" part of a boyfriend through their friends...meaning they do it all except physical intimacy. I'm not trying to forsake having a loving relationship. I want one very much and have had them in the past. I'm saying that what alot of men have to offer in what you call a 'loving' relationship isn't loving at all. That my friendships offer more genuine love and support than most men I come across are offering. I get it that alot of men have their emotional needs met through sex. I do too. I miss that part alot. I get it that if a woman isn't having sex with a man, his emotional needs are not being met and it doesn't feel right. But I'm looking for balance. It is hard to find in today's dating culture.
Author RedRobin Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) Her post was completely nonsense. She contradicted herself on numerous occasions. It was just an emotional outburst from a woman who is not in a relationship, but wants to be and is rationalising her emotions up to the point she believes she likes things the way they are. Please read again. What passes as a 'relationship' for many people today is NOT what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a committed, monogamous relationship leading to marriage and/or a lifetime commitment. That is very hard to come by when the pool of men I'm meeting have come to associate marriage and commitment with women ripping them off and 'golddiggers'. Lots of 'emotional outbursts' from men screaming about those. Never mind that I've never asked a man to pay for a date in my entire LIFE. I always pay my share. Or they associate commitment with perpetual boredom, since 'love' to them is all about what makes their dick hard 24/7. I'll pass on those too. Will also pass on the ones who think the man has to be head of the household. Those types like commitment... if it means they don't have to negotiate when things get tough.... and they can be seen as being the 'man' and 'in charge'. So, you see my pool of men is somewhat small. If I wanted an open-ended f*ckbuddy that happens to be monogamous for a few weeks, months, or years... Yes. I'm sure I'd have ZERO problems finding one of those. Rationalizing would be having a 'relationship' like that and then pretending I don't need or want a commitment. What did another person call it... a 'monogamous lover'?? right. Not much 'love' in the 'lovers'. Sorry. Edited March 18, 2012 by RedRobin
xxoo Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 RedRobin, I can understand what you are saying about finding men to date who are wanting sex, but not a loving relationship--or at least before a loving relationship is established. That sounds frustrating. I can also understand what some of the guys are saying about find women who want friendship that looks a lot like dating--with lots of care and concern and attention being offered, but not a sexual relationship. Putting the two experiences together, I can see how they interrelate. Men are sick of giving all the care and concern, not having it returned (in their experience), and are protecting themselves by insisting on early sex as some sort of "good faith" that the woman is as invested as they are. How are men and women to move past this?
GoodOnPaper Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 RedRobin, I can understand what you are saying about finding men to date who are wanting sex, but not a loving relationship--or at least before a loving relationship is established. That sounds frustrating. I can also understand what some of the guys are saying about find women who want friendship that looks a lot like dating--with lots of care and concern and attention being offered, but not a sexual relationship. Putting the two experiences together, I can see how they interrelate. Men are sick of giving all the care and concern, not having it returned (in their experience), and are protecting themselves by insisting on early sex as some sort of "good faith" that the woman is as invested as they are. How are men and women to move past this? You've perfectly summed up about a million LS threads. 1
Author RedRobin Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 RedRobin, I can understand what you are saying about finding men to date who are wanting sex, but not a loving relationship--or at least before a loving relationship is established. That sounds frustrating. I can also understand what some of the guys are saying about find women who want friendship that looks a lot like dating--with lots of care and concern and attention being offered, but not a sexual relationship. Putting the two experiences together, I can see how they interrelate. Men are sick of giving all the care and concern, not having it returned (in their experience), and are protecting themselves by insisting on early sex as some sort of "good faith" that the woman is as invested as they are. How are men and women to move past this? I wish I knew the answer to that question... What I personally do is not 'multidate'. For lots of reasons, but partly to manage the concern that you mention above. Alot of men have stated that what they fear most is women who are pumping them emotionally (ie the emotional tampon) while she gets her freak on with her FWB, and ex, or some guy she calls a 'friend'. I totally get that. I do my best to indicate that, if I'm spending time with them, that means I sincerely want to get to know them. I also pay my share on dates... so whatever financial concerns they might have about the time we are spending together should be alleviated. Problem is, we have all of these little rituals that people ASSOCIATE with a relationship or pending one. Things like, men assuming that if the woman pays dutch, she's not interested. Things like, women assuming that if a man is showing sexual interest in you early, that he's automatically a horndog who wants nothing but sex. Communication is the key. But that is scary too, because by overtly communicating, one risks not getting what one wants. It is easier to swim in a pool of vagueness hoping to 'pull' someone in the direction you want them. Some call that 'romance'. oy vay.
udolipixie Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 RedRobin, I can understand what you are saying about finding men to date who are wanting sex, but not a loving relationship--or at least before a loving relationship is established. That sounds frustrating. I can also understand what some of the guys are saying about find women who want friendship that looks a lot like dating--with lots of care and concern and attention being offered, but not a sexual relationship. Putting the two experiences together, I can see how they interrelate. Men are sick of giving all the care and concern, not having it returned (in their experience), and are protecting themselves by insisting on early sex as some sort of "good faith" that the woman is as invested as they are. How are men and women to move past this? Egh to me it'd probably be best suited for men and women to stop insisting on what they want as some sort of good faith. For women who are sick of giving sex and not having a relationship/commitment to stop insisting on commitment before sex on such things as some of good faith that the man is as invested as they are. For men who are sick of giving all the care and concern and not having sex to stop insisting on sex before care & concern as some sort of "good faith" that the woman is as invested as they are. As for the men who are sick of giving all the care & concern only to not have it returned pretty simple to stop interacting with the person if they don't give what you give.
Author RedRobin Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 You've perfectly summed up about a million LS threads. Definately... I think alot of us come here hoping to find the answer to that very question.
Author RedRobin Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Egh to me it'd probably be best suited for men and women to stop insisting on what they want as some sort of good faith. For women who are sick of giving sex and not having a relationship/commitment to stop insisting on commitment before sex on such things as some of good faith that the man is as invested as they are. For men who are sick of giving all the care and concern and not having sex to stop insisting on sex before care & concern as some sort of "good faith" that the woman is as invested as they are. As for the men who are sick of giving all the care & concern only to not have it returned pretty simple to stop interacting with the person if they don't give what you give. Yes, I agree there is a happy medium somewhere....
udolipixie Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 (edited) Exactly. What I'm protesting is this all or nothing approach to friendships between men and women. Egh to me it seems like many men think if they aren't having sex with her there's no reason to interact with a woman extensively. Seems like many men think if they offer emotional support to a woman regardless of not being in a relationship she owes you sex. That if I give a woman emotional support I should get sexual release. This attitude also comes up in regards to paying for a woman as thinking it correlates to paying for her body. Edited March 18, 2012 by udolipixie
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