sid3 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 ok...just one more response... because I ... Haha. It's always just one more
Taramere Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Of course platonic relationships are easier. They're less scary. You don't have to negotiate tricky scenarios where feelings are so much more likely to get hurt on account of rejection in an intimate context. The more intense the fear of getting hurt (through sexual or romantic rejection) the more likely it is that one or both parties will view the committed romantic relationship as a zero sum game that they must win at all costs. When a man sees his relationship with women in those terms, as the woman you quickly end up in that situation where whatever you do is going to be wrong. Either he's winning, in which case he's made happy at your expense...or he's losing, in which case you lose too because you care about him. If you become girlfriend, rather than friend, to a man who views his intimate relationships as power struggles, you voluntarily enter into that power dynamic - and it's one you must be seen to lose in order to make the relationship last. However in the process, you also lose the man's respect. 3
FrustratedStandards Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 I agree that what you are saying does happen alot. Perhaps even most of the time. I don't think that is the case with my guy friends. The ones who have made a pass at me in the past but I stay friends with are totally age inappropriate. I'm having coffee with one of them this Friday, and we are going to bring this topic up... not only is he old enough to be my dad. He could be old enough to almost be my grandfather. Yet, at some point in our friendship he mistook my sadness about his retiring from our former employer to be some kind of romantic attraction. AND he's married!!! That sh*t has to stop. Women need older male mentors who aren't trying to get in their pants. I blame YOU for this. If you know his intentions, know that he is married but is still romantically interested in you, then what the hell are you doing still going out for coffee with him? Especially since you know he is married and almost 3x your age?! You're right in thinking there is an issue with you, because obviously you enjoy leading people on and then using the "we are just friends" excuse.
Author RedRobin Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 I blame YOU for this. If you know his intentions, know that he is married but is still romantically interested in you, then what the hell are you doing still going out for coffee with him? Especially since you know he is married and almost 3x your age?! You're right in thinking there is an issue with you, because obviously you enjoy leading people on and then using the "we are just friends" excuse. The incident I mentioned with my much older friend happened years ago. I think we've successfully moved well past that stage. I've met his children and wife. When I get pissed about dating though, I think about those scenarios... because frankly, I don't think I should have had to deal with that sh*t at all...not from him or any man old enough to be my dad/grandfather. It's messed up. The only reason I would need to bring this up again with him is because he recently agreed to set me up with a friend of his. A man who *IS* my age. It didn't work out though. The guy he tried to set me up with is very recently divorced, or just not attracted to me, or whatever. It's too bad too, because I thought we had alot in common. It still may be too soon to tell. Not overthinking it. I've read your other posts. You could stand to be a little more self-aware yourself, and stop projecting your junk onto other people. Consider asking a few more questions before you jump to conclusions?? Couldn't hurt.
Woggle Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 My marriage was the opposite of one that appeared great but wasn't. She had her friends convinced I was some monster so it was perfectly okay to cheat on me left and right and treat me like garbage. In reality I would have done anything to make her happy but they only saw her true colors when she really want off the rails after the divorce. It seems the men who go out of there way to make a woman happy get treated like crap. I know this is off topic but I had to get that off my chest.
FrustratedStandards Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 When I get pissed about dating though, I think about those scenarios... because frankly, I don't think I should have had to deal with that sh*t at all...not from him or any man old enough to be my dad/grandfather. It's messed up. The only reason I would need to bring this up again with him is because he recently agreed to set me up with a friend of his. A man who *IS* my age. It didn't work out though. The guy he tried to set me up with is very recently divorced, or just not attracted to me, or whatever. It's too bad too, because I thought we had alot in common. It still may be too soon to tell. Not overthinking it. I've read your other posts. You could stand to be a little more self-aware yourself, and stop projecting your junk onto other people. Consider asking a few more questions before you jump to conclusions?? Couldn't hurt. You only deal with it because you stick around long enough for it to keep happening. Everyone has those instances, but you let a "friendship" grow from this. You only dealt with it for as long as you had to because you let it go on for as long as it did. Second, don't start getting offensive just because you don't like what I have to say. I'm not the one complaining that my grandfather-old friends are hitting on me and I don't know what to do about it, let alone complain that I have to "Deal with it". I'm not projecting "junk" i'm telling you how it is. Apparently people on here have a problem with that.
Author RedRobin Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 You only deal with it because you stick around long enough for it to keep happening. Everyone has those instances, but you let a "friendship" grow from this. You only dealt with it for as long as you had to because you let it go on for as long as it did. Second, don't start getting offensive just because you don't like what I have to say. I'm not the one complaining that my grandfather-old friends are hitting on me and but "it's best they are friends and not lovers". Clean up your own backyard before you start dumping in others.
FrustratedStandards Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Clean up your own backyard before you start dumping in others. You just proved my point. You had nothing to say. I rest my case. (ADD: Just because others on here don't like me, doesn't mean offending me puts you in the same boat and in anyway justifies your responses. FYI)
Author RedRobin Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Men need to start being accountable for their own feelings and reactions. Women are not responsible for every hard on a guy has, nor can they read men's minds. Last time I checked, those parts were attached to his body, not mine. For some bizarre reason, the men I call my friends have managed to do that. I mean, own their body parts, feelings, and reactions. It is quite refreshing, actually.
Author RedRobin Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Another bitter woman ... Who are you talking about? Me? I've never been called that IRL... not by my friends or boyfriends. Looks like "bitter" is the new "slut" now... More of the same from those who can't take responsibility for their own feelings and behaviors... seen it a million times.
Author RedRobin Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 ... I meant to say in my earlier post... Some men... certainly not all or even most.
joystickd Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Who are you talking about? Me? I've never been called that IRL... not by my friends or boyfriends. Looks like "bitter" is the new "slut" now... More of the same from those who can't take responsibility for their own feelings and behaviors... seen it a million times. Not the new slut they just calling it how they see it. I mean when you say generalizations that are negative about the opposite gender it comes off as bitter. You are not the only one there are quite a few others on here that are bitter.
Author RedRobin Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 (edited) Not the new slut they just calling it how they see it. I mean when you say generalizations that are negative about the opposite gender it comes off as bitter. You are not the only one there are quite a few others on here that are bitter. Couldn't help but notice that the observation is being made by someone who has a generalization about women in his signature line. As for you... I'll tell you the same thing I said to Frustrated Standards.. clean up your own backyard before you go dumping on others. You talk about men turning to younger women to avoid baggage... yet, here you are, telling me all about your hurts and how women (like me) are supposed to comply with your no opposite sex friends rule because you were hurt. Hey, I even told you (maybe here, maybe in another thread) that if your experience was negative with opposite sex friendships, then that is ok and you are perfectly in your rights to negotiate that in your next relationship. You didn't see me piling on. But I'm telling you now. Back up. Edited March 14, 2012 by RedRobin
Taramere Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Couldn't help but notice that the observation is being made by someone who has a generalization about women in his signature line. People's signatures can greatly aid in the business of sorting out the wheat from the chaff. 1
joystickd Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Couldn't help but notice that the observation is being made by someone who has a generalization about women in his signature line. As for you... I'll tell you the same thing I said to Frustrated Standards.. clean up your own backyard before you go dumping on others. You talk about men turning to younger women to avoid baggage... yet, here you are, telling me all about your hurts and how women (like me) are supposed to comply with your no opposite sex friends rule because you were hurt. Hey, I even told you (maybe here, maybe in another thread) that if your experience was negative with opposite sex friendships, then that is ok and you are perfectly in your rights to negotiate that in your next relationship. You didn't see me piling on. But I'm telling you now. Back up. Yeah I did but I'm not saying negative generalizations about men. You come on a forum and post and expect someone not to give you their honest opinion. I'm hard on everybody. I'm equal opportunity. I don't make statements like women want money or they are sluts. I know better and I understand the small amount of women that have done wrong are not reflective of all women. I'm more aware to notice things going on. I say what I feel on here and in real life. I'm good with my dating situation. It a hell of a lot better than that situation years ago. The only reason I'm against male female friendship is the feelings and drama. Around here in this small town with everybody knowing everybody drama is hard to avoid.
DepressedinDenver Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Well women make better lovers and not very good friends. so I guess it evens out at some point!
BeyondtheClouds Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Red robin, I find it interesting that you have this need to prove how well you make friends with men, whether they are in committed relationships or not. why is that? 1
Author RedRobin Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Red robin, I find it interesting that you have this need to prove how well you make friends with men, whether they are in committed relationships or not. why is that? No need to prove anything. Seems to me people who don't know how to do it have asked what it looks like.... or maybe not asked. They don't know how to do it, so they project onto other people their own inadequacy and insecurity about it. Just responding to what I thought was curiosity on your part. You did ask didn't you? So, for the millionth time... if it doesn't work for you then fine. Don't have any male friends and don't let your BF or your SO have any female friends. It's your life.
Author RedRobin Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Yeah I did but I'm not saying negative generalizations about men. You come on a forum and post and expect someone not to give you their honest opinion. I'm hard on everybody. I'm equal opportunity. I don't make statements like women want money or they are sluts. I know better and I understand the small amount of women that have done wrong are not reflective of all women. I'm more aware to notice things going on. I say what I feel on here and in real life. I'm good with my dating situation. It a hell of a lot better than that situation years ago. The only reason I'm against male female friendship is the feelings and drama. Around here in this small town with everybody knowing everybody drama is hard to avoid. Fair enough.
FrustratedStandards Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 But I'm telling you now. Back up. Ahaha. WATCH OUT!!
FrustratedStandards Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 RedRobin why are you asking for advice if you reject everything anyone says? You're just like half the posters on this forum. You are insecure and want people to simply tell you what you want to hear. When you don't, you get defensive and start sh*t for no reason. I think THIS is why you only have male friends and no boyfriends.
xxoo Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 Well women make better lovers and not very good friends. so I guess it evens out at some point! Haha! Maybe a kernel of truth, there
betterdeal Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 *sigh* A friendship is a relationship. I do wish these terms weren't abused so. Why having courtiers rather than a monogamous lover is better for me There, that's a more accurate title for the thread.
udolipixie Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 *sigh* A friendship is a relationship. I do wish these terms weren't abused so. Why having courtiers rather than a monogamous lover is better for me There, that's a more accurate title for the thread. Where'd you get the impression that her male friends seek her favor by flattering her and other actions or are like her attendants and she's royalty?
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