BrighterWashing Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Perhaps this deserves a new thread I'm not sure. But I like a PPs question: how is the wife using the children as weapons? What do you think she should do and how is she supposedly deviating from that? How do you know what she's done? If it is WH telling you then take it with a grain of salt, he has an agenda and his own issues with her which ate different to yours. Not to mention he's a proven liar. Assuming she is doing what you think, can you imagine why without assuming she is a bitter vengeful witch? Because sure as hell she has reasons you're not acknowledging even if you wouldn't like them. What would I have done if WH had chosen the OW? I would have asked my boss to transfer me to the same kind of dept in another state and sought as much custody as I could legally get and move with the kids as far away as possible. Since I know the OW wanted to live in the next suburb and share the kids or even have them more than me, plus share her own skikda with her BS... I'm pretty sure she'd see that as using them as a weapon. Nothing could be further from the truth. I simply wouldn't want 2 cheaters raising my kids 50% and risking them growing up with those values. I would acknowledge their fathers right legally, but only to the minimum. I would see her as having zero right to see them. I see what she wanted as very. Self serving, basically making her role as pleasant a possible. I see what I wanted as protecting my children. No doubt she would see it as bitter because she would think they are. Oth bad role models. The distance between our views makes sense but is seldom a knowledges I think. So what gets your vote as using/not using the kids?
alexandria35 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Waterlove, I don't think you have compassion and empathy for his wife because you haven't shown any here. You claim to have empathy but all you do is trash her. "she doesn't really love him, she's petty, all she cares about is losing face, she using the kids, she's making it hard on him". I mean surely this BW has some good qualities. Is she smart? Does she have a good sense of humor? Is she a good mom? a great friend? a good cook? a hard worker? Does she like to read? play board games? Ski? play poker? romp with her children? What do you know about her as a human being? Your descriptions of her dehumanize her and make her sound like she is robotic and devoid of human feelings. I think you parrot your MM, stating the same cold and heartless characteristics of her that he tells you and in so doing you are actually able to prevent yourself fom feeling any real compassion for her. Afterall isn't it much easier to engage in hurtful behaviour if make believe that the person being hurt isn't actually hurt but just petty and difficult? I bet it is. Where is this empathy and compassion you speak of? If you had empathy wouldn't it occur to you that she might be acting out of pain and fear? Don't you even know that most anger stems from fear? If you had compassion wouldn't you think that perhaps it very emotional and difficult to lose a partner who you have been raising FOUR children with? I mean I know you don't have kids but I wouldn't think you would have to dig too deep to understand that it might be just a little devastating to have to sit by and watch your children's home be broken. Surely an empathetic compassionate person could understand that just a little bit right? Funny how you state that we have no right to judge you while you sit in judgement of his wife. Her life and the life of her children is being forever changed. Most likely she will be okay and her kids will be okay but it doesn't feel like that to her right now. Yet you judge her and deem her unworthy of even having a right to her pain and hurt? You seem to think that she and her children should just gracefully pave the way for you and him to live out your fairy tale romance. Perhaps she could have a little chat with the kids about how daddy found his true love and how she is so happy for him and they should be happy for him too. She could explain that they mustn't make things in anyway difficult or unpleasant for daddy because neither she nor they have any right to let their feelings of loss and hurt stand in the way of true love. And then they could all bake brownies and give daddy a big moving out party. Would that make you happy? 3
SoxPrincess Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Wow...talk about jumping down someone's throat and dissecting every word of the very brief paragraph she wrote. Makes me understand why I take breaks from this site periodically. I have a feeling waterlove may not come back here as there seems to be very little positivity or general respect for the poster. Most situations like this don't pan out, but at least stop the personal attacks. For what it's worth waterlove, I was in the same exact situation as you a couple years back. My xMM moved out but returned to his wife and family 3 months later. I was very anxious, insecure and just generally scared of the entire situation. I didn't give him much space to figure everything out. He may have moved back regardless of how I acted -- but my neediness, lack of support and inability to deal with the situation didn't help. If you're looking for advice, I'd suggest stepping away from the situation. Not necessarily break up with him, but provide yourself with a general sense of distance from all heartbreak, sadness and confusion that will be going on with him and his family. Do everything in your power to create and maintain a life of your own. Be there when he needs you but step away when things get difficult for you to deal with. It's not an easy road, but if you take control of yourself, you might be able to navigate through this. I've got to be honest. I was completely devastated when he moved back--worst heartbreak of my life. But, looking back on the situation over 2 years later, I do have a completely different perspective. A tiny part of me is relieved he didn't get D. There are so many obstacles one doesn't think about while in the middle of everything that's going on. You need to think about the difficulties that you'd have to face with his family, wife, kids and friends. For many years to come, the kids will have sporting events, piano recitals, graduations, weddings. The ex and his family will be at the center of all this. There aren't a lot of people who condone affairs and despite you being a good person, this will often times get overlooked. Just some food for thought--not trying to discourage you--just telling it from someone who's been there. If he's worth it to you, then keep moving forward. Just take some time to think about how complicated this will be if it indeed does come to fruition. Good luck -- would love to see a success story down the line. Fantastic post, Thunderbolt! I'm sometimes amazed (although I shouldn't be after posting/reading here for 5 years) at how people pick apart past posts & immediately jump down someone's throat. I've FOREVER thought this forum shouldn't have the word "support" in the description because most times, it's a free for all attack session on the OP. Perhaps a more apt description of this section should be "The other side of the story: Support & discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner. Beware, there are many bitter people here who have been betrayed who make it their duty in life to rip OW/OM apart." Phew. I needed to get that out. All that said, waterlove, I'm sorry that you've decided you'll no longer post here, but I CERTAINLY understand!! Please keep in mind though that there are MANY posters here who have walked in your shoes & have a lot of wisdom who won't rip you limb from limb. My best advice to people who find themselves eviscerated is to ignore those posts & take the ones you need. Of course, not everyone here is going to tell you what you may be wanting to here; introspection is quite important when one finds themselves being an OW/OM. Have there been many stories here about men who moved out, leased an apartment, furnished it & ended up going back to their wives? Absolutely. There's also been many stories about men who left their marriages, moved into a relationship with the OW down the road & things went swimmingly. In my situation, my exMM did move out, leased an apartment, furnished it, etc.....and ended up moving right back home as soon as the lease was up. I won't go into the nitty gritty here as my H & I have successfully reconciled & I've dealt with all my demons. My point is, no one here can tell you exactly what will happen in your relationship, but there is an abundance of knowledge here once you get past the sharks circling in the water. When I was an OW, I had a great deal of support here but took my knocks too. Just the way it is, I guess. My best advice is to continue to be realistic. Try not to guess at what his BW is feeling (meaning that you love him more than she does); it's a lesson in futility really & your energies are much better spent moving towards the future. I can't guess (& neither can anyone else!!) what road your relationship may take but I wish you all the best regardless of where it leads you. Hang in there 3
frozensprouts Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 Perhaps this deserves a new thread I'm not sure. But I like a PPs question: how is the wife using the children as weapons? What do you think she should do and how is she supposedly deviating from that? How do you know what she's done? If it is WH telling you then take it with a grain of salt, he has an agenda and his own issues with her which ate different to yours. Not to mention he's a proven liar. Assuming she is doing what you think, can you imagine why without assuming she is a bitter vengeful witch? Because sure as hell she has reasons you're not acknowledging even if you wouldn't like them. What would I have done if WH had chosen the OW? I would have asked my boss to transfer me to the same kind of dept in another state and sought as much custody as I could legally get and move with the kids as far away as possible. Since I know the OW wanted to live in the next suburb and share the kids or even have them more than me, plus share her own skikda with her BS... I'm pretty sure she'd see that as using them as a weapon. Nothing could be further from the truth. I simply wouldn't want 2 cheaters raising my kids 50% and risking them growing up with those values. I would acknowledge their fathers right legally, but only to the minimum. I would see her as having zero right to see them. I see what she wanted as very. Self serving, basically making her role as pleasant a possible. I see what I wanted as protecting my children. No doubt she would see it as bitter because she would think they are. Oth bad role models. The distance between our views makes sense but is seldom a knowledges I think. So what gets your vote as using/not using the kids? I think that fairly often the idea that a betrayed spouse ( usually a woman) is "using the kids as weapons" is a pretty skewed perception. What a ife may be doing may be borne more out of pragmatics than bitterness or a need for revenge. Speaking from my own experience, during the time when my husband was cheating and was living with his "other woman", he'd ask me what we were going to do about the kids. I told him that I wouldn't keep them from seeing him, nor would i badmouth him to them ( he is their dad, after all). Other than that, I had to make decisions based upon what was bets for me and our kids. That would likely have meant moving away, as we live in a very small town and there's very little employment here, and with our kids issues, I'd need to be at home with time a lot of the time, so I'd have to fine employment that was very, very flexible. That would have meant moving away from here with our kids, very likely with my parents a seven hour drive away. My husband is away so much for work, he wouldn't be able to have them full time, and even he said his "other woman" wasn't "step mom material". I told him that, and also that I wasn't saying that to be mean or cruel, but it was the reality. there would be some pretty major changes, and part of our marriage ending would mean that we'd both have to accept that. things weren't going to be the same, and he needed to know that. At the time, it made him angry, but after all was said and done, he told me he understood, and that what I had said made sense. I'm not saying that no spouse ever "uses their children as weapons", but I do think that it is used as an excuse and it's a real cliched term ( makes me suspicious when it gets used with nothing to back it up) besides, the idea that the "evil mean betrayed spouse is hurting the kids " sounds more than a little biased to me...after all...who is the one who is doing the real damage here? the mother who is trying to deal with the fact that she just found out her husband has been cheating and her marriage may be ending or the father who been cheating? neither one is "evil", but i think one may be a bit deluded 3
heartinlove Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 HI Waterlove. I pretty much don't post here anymore for the reasons you mentioned. There are a few people here who give great advice and are compassionate including some BS, and i have really appreciated their feedback, but for the most part it is just too much attacking and too little compassion for the people who post here. These scenarios are so complex sometimes and really deserve compassion. Some MM are truly conflicted and are good people at heart and dont know how to handle these situations. Also there are alot of OW who are also essentially good people who find themselves in love with an impossible situation. It is a very painful position to be in and one I would not wish on anyone. Its so easy to sit on the sidelines and judge and say once a cheater always a cheater, the kids excuse is just an excuse, he should end his marriage cleanly before you ever talk to him again or he talks to you, etc. etc. But really is life that cut and dry that easy? These situations are messy and painful and that is why people post here. It would be nice if there was more compassion for the complexity of it all. Also that you were a BS and didn't handle your husband leaving you with hatred just show you are. And I don't believe its unreasonable to expect BS to handle kids and the dissolution of marriages in a way that doesn't hurt the kids. With that being said, i agree with Sad Puppy, take care of yourself and try and distance yourself from all the emotions he will naturally go through. Its going to be very rocky. Please post again and let us know how it went as there are others of us who are in the same boat, but we dont post here anymore. Good luck. 5
Lostinlife4now Posted March 18, 2012 Posted March 18, 2012 Oh waterlove!!! I am sorry you feel that you cannot post on this site anymore. It is a good site with many different opinions and insight into different situations we have all been through in life. We are here to HELP each other. Some posters just don't know how to talk to other people....(and no I am not pointing anyone out before anyone gets on my shyte), some posters are VERY ANGRY, some are compassionate, some are self-righteous, some are observant, some are very knowledgeable, some are very intelligent. But don't let a couple of meanines spoil a very helpful place for you to be. You know that old saying... I think it's ummm "Opinions are like Ass...., everybody has one"....Am I correct on this one? dunno Listen to me, I hope you can go into this with EYES WIDE OPEN, if it is meant to be, it will be. Don't let anonymous people on a board make you feel any different. And come back here....we WOULD ALL LIKE TO HELP YOU! Peace... 1
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