casper12 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Not sure how it all went wrong, Two days ago on my birthday she went back to her ex! I had been seeing my girlfriend for about six months after first 3 decided to make it more exclusive, however we started as friends, she had been out of a six year relationship for what she said was 4-6 months give or take, and she told me that she was mentally abused and had hit rock bottom, so ive been their for her and things went really well but we often discussed her past because she said she needed to get it off her chest so i went along with it, she wasnt coping to well with it all as she was in bed alot and nothing was getting done around her house, so ive helped her out with as much as i could (dishes, washing,walking her dogs feeding them) until she can stand up and do it for herself, their was times she said she needed to speak to her ex and get more thing off her chest, so although i wasnt happy about it its happend! just when its all looking really good shes happy we are glowing contact is made and everything takes a turn for the worst, so their i go again into damage control mode and pick up the pieces! all is going fine then my birthday night we are out having drinks she kisses me 10mins later shes gone, i call txt-nothing! she was with her ex, now i really loved this girl- she calls me and said thats she confused and he has some kind of hold on her heart but she loves me and cares for me and that she cant seem to get away from him! like i said i love this girl do i give up or do stay and if so do what???
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Dude, you weren't her boyfriend. You were her maid, her psychologist, her dog walker and her cook, not her boyfriend. She used you! Big Time! I mean, the balls on this girl to ditch you and go running back to her Ex and probably to his bed ON YOUR BIRTHDAY! Someone got a present that day and it wasn't you. Happy Birthday to you huh.... That is a level of disrespect I haven't seen in a long time. Go completely NC on this girl, no phonecalls, no texts and no e-mails. DO NOT respond to her texts, phonecalls or e-mails. NONE! Post here instead. Block her from your facebook account.
Author casper12 Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 im just struggling with it as, she has been abused mentally and this is seems to still apart of it- this hold on her he has! she told me she hasnt been happy like she was when with me for such a long time she has achived almost as much in the last 3 months than she did in the last four years with him, he drove her to the point of breaking and she ended up in hospital with "bulimea"?? i just dont want that to happen! but then really what am i doing its now been 2 and a half days i have messaged txt called emailed, whats wrong with me i want her back!
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 This isn't your problem anymore. As harsh as it is to read that. But, she made her choice. She ran to him on what should have been a very special day for you. Which only tells me that she values her Ex more than you. Harsh again, I know. But, I want you to look outside the box for a minute. She made her choice and unfortunately, it wasn't you. And to be VERY blunt and you need to read this next sentence. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!! This is a choice she is making, and regardless if you think it's the wrong one, it's still her choice. She ran back to her Ex. Therefore, she wants you out of her life. You give her EXACTLY that. And to be honest dude, once a girl finds out that you do the things you do i.e. help out around the house, a dude that can cook and is attentive to a girls needs. I speculate you won't be lonely for long. If her going beck to her Ex means that she's going to fall on her ass. Well, she needs to fall then...that's her choice and you don't need to be there to watch it.
stimson554 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Sounds to me like she just needed someone to do her housework while she smoothed things over with her ex. let this be a lesson learned, sometimes "mental abuse" is an excuse for "I can do whatever i want and you have to feel sorry for me." don't feel sorry for this girl she played you like a fiddle. take this lesson, learn from it, and move on.
smudge21 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 The other posters are spot on here, but we all know you're not really going to listen to it as you've slapped her up on that pedestal and refuse to see all these negatives that the rest of us can see. Those rose-tinted glasses won't let you. Added to how you feel about it is the fact you're a good person, someone who really cares, and because of that, you feel compelled to save her, from herself. You'll keep making excuses for her behavior towards you and believe for a long time that if only you'd done this or done that, maybe you could've saved her from her nasty ex. The harsh truth is, you never could have. That was not your role in this little exercise. You were a sholder to cry and someone who she was tempted by, but her heart lay elsewhere. You can't save her from her own heart anymore than we can save you from yours. You have to deal with this on your own and accept it for what it was, and accept her for who she was and the decisions she has made. I learnt a long time ago that you can only save those who actually want saving, and many people in abusive or bad relationships don't even see it that way. They see their relationship as normal and everything else as scary and unknown. You may very well have shown her a nicer side to being with someone, a caring softer side that she wasn't used to, and like all change and the unknown, it scared her. We all stick to what we know and it often takes a lot to change, but no one can force that change upon us. Go NC and stay there. She may make contact again when things get bad, and if you do decide to take her back, understand that nothing will change. The moment you take her back after what she has done to you, will be like telling her it's okay for her to do that all the time, and she'll start a push/pull relationship between you and her real boyfriend. I know how hard all this can be, especially when you truly believe you are better for someone and they deserve better, but it will only drive you down and you'll be the one suffering, not her, not her boyfriend. I know first hand and it took a lot to walk away from my first love, leaving her with her abusive boyfriend, but I could no longer just be her comfort pillow when she needed a sholder or someone to wipe the blood away (yes, it got that bad). She had to change for herself and by being there for her, I wasn't helping her make any changes. I was making things worse in many ways. You do deserve better and you will find better, but only after you've moved on and are ready once again. Good luck.
Author casper12 Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 you are right in everything you have written here, id did put her up their, some of the reasons as to why if felt for her, this is my 2nd crushing breakup, 1st 5-1/2 yrs, were i done everything wrong and this one were i done everything right- well so i thought i was! im really sorry you had to experience this first hand, wouldnt want anyone to go thru this, it nothing like my first one! this has gone from seeing her often and being happy her telling me she was sooo happy i came into her life cuddles kisses and im in love with you to NOTHING....... ive just got to ride out this emotional rolla coster which is really intense, then i need to work out how i go about getting certin valubale items back from her house and hers back to her with out coming undone!
smudge21 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Get a friend to move stuff back - no contact means no contact. You're in a weak state and even though she may be a good person deep down, she will see that as a weakness and possibly use it to her advantage: the odd text, late night phone calls, telling you she's confused, unsure, she gives you all the signs that she's coming back then when you're hooked again she backs off, you're texting/calling her and she's not replying and you're feeling even worse... all that **** can destroy even the strongest person. Oh and by see that as a weakness and using it to her advantage, I don't mean she's some kind of evil Bond villain plotting your down fall, it's just that you'll be seen as someone who's always there and happy to be there for her no matter what. She may even think that her contacting you is a good thing for you and that she's being nice, as you'll be welcoming of it. It's like when dumpers say they want to stay friends - they sometimes do it not for themselves but because they feel it will make the dumpee feel better, but it never does. That said, there are some nasty dumpers who simply don't care, and with what yours did on your birthday, I am aiming that way on this one.
Author casper12 Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 bro im an emotional train wreak right now and just received this txt from her "I have just woken up and had to go to the doc's to get valium. I had a massive anxiety attack & imreally not coping. I promiss i will call you tomorrow. I'm not in a good way.Please keep strong. I just need time to clear my mind. I'm so sorry i dont know what to do I'm f...... sad face"
smudge21 Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 It's all about her isn't it? What about you? I love how she wants you to keep strong, whilst she's left you for her ex. Amazing how many dumpers on here get "confused" and during that "confusion" end up riding their ex's or someone else. She knows you're her saviour and knows you'll be there for her no matter what, hence why she's sending this. She also knows that even if you ignore her or tell her goodbye, she'll respond letting you know how low she is and how confused/lost/hurt/messed up, and you'll be unable to ignore her. I know this because to be honest, neither would I. That's the trouble with being the nice guy, we can't just turn our backs on people, even though they sometimes deserve or need it. I would stay NC and see what happens, even if she keeps texting or calling. Just ignore it. At least that way you have a get out clause of "I lost my phone" or "was away" if you do decide to break NC. You have to keep reminding yourself that she left you on your birthday and went back to him. Where was her care then? Why isn't she telling all this to him? I believe this girl is looking for someone to fall back on just in case and will do whatever it takes to keep you sweet. The fact is, she left you. Maybe if she keeps contacting then you'll need to remind her of this!
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I seriously hope you didn't respond to that text. Everything in that text was "all about me, me and me". Never once in that text did she ask how you were or that she's sorry she did this to you. Please tell me you didn't repond.
Author casper12 Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 I havent replied to the txt, and it is so hard not to! & yeah i noticed that she asked me to be strong then it was all about her...
stillafool Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Don't reply to her text or anything else that has anything to do with her. She is still trying to use you. She has probably realized that her ex isn't going to change and figures she still has you to lean on until he does better. Don't let her use you. SHE IS NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU! Pick yourself up and brush her off as this girl is a loser. Go NC and stick to it or you will be no better than her running after her ex that clearly doesn't want or respect her. You deserve better so start acting like it.
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Yeah, when you start NC, it's going to be hard. If it was easy, then this forum wouldn't exist. But, she made her choice. You can now heal from this and move on. Anytime you feel like texting her or calling her. Post here instead. Anytime that she contacts you, don't respond, post here instead. People are here to walk you through this.
Author casper12 Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 Well just when i thought i was doing so well, tha phone rang it was her... i looked at it and it rang 3-4 times and yes im an idiot... i answerd! she went on to say how she was doing not really asking me how i was!, then started asking odd questions, in the way you would when trying to supress the truth and get a specific answers about the time we spent togeather!??? i then realized what she was doing, and asked her if her ex was their with her listening in she said no of course...(bull****) it seems to me that she was trying to justify herself to her ex and prove to him somthing... i dont get it!!! is this part of that abusive behaviour? actually point is i need to remember that she is no longer my problem and not to answer- this is hard.. NC lasted a day and a half!
smudge21 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 You can either beat yourself up over this or get back on your horse and continue down that NC path! She contacted you, you didn't contact her. Plus, now you know for a fact what she says is total BS and she's not to be trusted. Soon you'll start realising that she isn't this perfect girl you made her out to be - a lot of her problems are brought about by herself and she's got to change that, if she even wants to (probably not, people sometimes just never change). You know not answer the phone and don't go answering any withheld numbers either. Just spend your time dealing with those that matter in your life as opposed to those that just want to suck the life from you.
Author casper12 Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 I really appriciate your help aye smudge21, just reading your posts is a huge strength booster... four hours after that phone call, i get a txt from her boss whom i got on really well with "im with your ex and we both agree that its best you stay away from her, with this i mean NC at all, Please do this as i dont want to take it anyfurther & i want her to have her space. Please let her go.she cant have you as a friend or in her life. its a closed book!" I replied "At midday she contacted me!!! and i have told her she needs to be by herself not with her ex and not me & agreed she needs to sort her self out yes i also agree she needs her space alot of it & you want her to have it, so do i, however id very sad if this is ONESIDED & directed only at me and not her ex/bf! I havent asked her to come back to me at all so not sure what she has told you, but i dont intened to at all, intially it was just hard to see someone who i thought deserved better go straight back to a dark hole! but she made her choice, i just never knew how much it could hurt to lose something i never had...i was really in love with her, but now im just trying to put the flames on whats of left of me an start again..."pic of a burning skull" Boss replied-its not directed at you she needs time away from you to find herself.im sorry you ate hurt & pray you will be ok! i havent replied gone NC!!! insted logged on here, then 3 1/2hrs later i get a txt from her/ex "Im so sorry. the boss saw me in a distraught mess & had to txt you because im not dealing with this I FEEL TERRIBLE! i never had you on speaker nor was he listening, but i couldnt go outside because he would think is was being dodgy by walking away to talk! i need you to know im taking time for me. i mean that... im extremley deverstated! i dont know what to think, i just feel SO LOST. boss dose not think any less of you... she is just protecting me from a beakdown because im not coping with all of this. i feel so badly! i dont know what else to say. I have still maintained NC
smudge21 Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 The boss should stay out of others business and not be contacting you direct, nor should you be telling them anything. A simple "sorry, who are you and what part do you play in my life?" would've been my response followed by the fact your ex contacted you and still does so. So basically she's telling people one thing and doing another. You need to just block her from calling you (you can do that on smart phones) and ignore her texts without even reading them. This will continue until she realises you're not going to fetch her ball every time she loses it.
Author casper12 Posted March 15, 2012 Author Posted March 15, 2012 24hrs NC, the temptation to break NC is huge... i really want to message her this is getting hard
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