I hate my sexless marriage

[zengirl]

I just felt for the kid, I know how dark & lonely it is to "honor your vows" how it feels to see happy couples everywhere & to know when you go home that night that all that will be waiting for you there is work, worry & blame, there will be no warmth, no affection at home for you.

 

I remember trying to think of even ONE person in real life that I could safely confide in about my sexless marriage & finding nobody going online to seek help. I remember being asked about my weight, accused of "letting myself go" told that I emasculated my partner by fiscally supporting him.. in short not only blamed for the lack of sex

but made to feel ashamed for desiring it in the first place as if turning off sexual desire was as easy as flipping a light switch.

 

It was a dark, very lonely place to have to live & my heart just went out to the OP here.

 

I don't think anyone is blaming the OP for the lack of sex. I'm certainly not. It's not his fault! It's not really his wife's fault either---it's the fault of her disease. He needs to understand that, so he does not feel adversarial towards her and feels like helping her solve the problem. I think people provided the perspective of how that disease FEELS and advice on how to ameliorate their problems not to criticize, but to sincerely help him. Wallowing won't help. Action might.

[shorty7]

I think everyone here is in agreement the OP is in an unfortunate predicament, especially for a young man his age.

 

Let's look at the Maslow's hierarchy of needs in this instance and try to gauge where the relationship is at, shall we?

 

Self-Actualization (top of the pyramid): morality, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, lack of prejudice, acceptance of facts -- these are the height of capability for pursuing happiness, but needs all the layers below to be a strong foundation to be achievable:

 

Esteem: self-esteem, confidence, achievement, respect of others, respect by others

 

Love/belonging: friendship, family, sexual intimacy

 

Safety: security of: body, employment, resources, morality, the family, health, property

 

Physiological (the most BASIC of all human needs, at the very BOTTOM of this pyramid): air/breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, homeostasis, excretion

 

(to those of who've had Endo, does it also cause constipation as well?)

 

Okay, I've highlighted what the OP presented he's suffering from a lack of in his post in italics. So just keep in mind that each layer needs the bottom layers below to be solid enough to be sustainable, otherwise you can't get to the "self-actualization" part.

 

Now assuming that his wife is suffering from Endo and what others have described, (and assuming that it also causes constipation), his wife is suffering from LACK OF EVERYTHING EXCEPT AIR AND WATER on the bottom layer. Extreme pain is causing her sex drive to go to nothing; I imagine with that kind of pain, sleep is rather difficult; I don't know how the hell you achieve a homeostasis (read: calm) status of mind in midst of all that; and if it IS causing constipation, excretion is out of the water which also affects your appetite for food, so eating is becoming an un-enjoyable activity. So really, she's got breathing, and she's able to drink water. That's a whole awful lot of fixing needed to be able to even get up to security of body and health, don't you think?

 

You have to keep in mind all these matter in QUALITY, not QUANTITY. You can sleep 8 hours, but if it's 8 hours of rolling-around-uncomfortable-listening-to-your-spouse-snore-or-gritting-teeth-and-waking-up-every-hour sleep, that really doesn't count as good quality sleep. I would imagine most of us agree about food and sex too, don't you? No matter how many people or times you have sex with anyone, if you can't get off or reach a climax and orgasm, then why do it at all? At some point you wouldn't have fun with sex at all, right?

 

So I think, what happened early on was the wife started suffering from painful sex from the disease, and it bled into everywhere else in the Maslow pyramid, crumbled right from the bottom, and shut down and resorts to the only activity she knows that she won't feel pain from.

 

I agree with addressing those first, before they can work on the family. Everyone here's been talking about the "Love/Belonging" and "Safety" layer with the health check and marriage counseling here but Christ, look at them. The wife's got 2 out of 7 things all human beings need to be able to get to that layer in the "Physiological" needs, the husband's got 5 or 6 in there--from what everyone with experience of that disease had said, a heck load can be helped with the right attitude, treatment, and enough counseling. Removing the pain or alleviating it so that she's at least able to live and enjoy/appreciate food, sleep and such surely can't hurt helping the couple rebuild both of their foundations together.

Edited March 13, 2012 by shorty7

[Eternal Sunshine]

There is very minor surgery that can get rid of it at least temporarily. I had it. There are other treatment options such as BC pills. I wonder if she is even trying.

 

I wish I had a guy as understanding as OP. At the time my endometriosis was at its worst, I was seeing a guy who couldn't care less. So I gritted through the pain and still had sex.... She has no idea how lucky she is. Sorry if this is slightly bitter. Sigh

[standtall]

I think the OP checked out of this thread. I think the angry hens scared him away.

[The Blue Knight]

Actually, they pretty much suck. You couldn't pay me to be in my 20's again, especially my early 20's. Just saying.

 

Hence, the descriptive username "oldguy"

[frozensprouts]

i hope the OP didn't get scared away...there sure seemed to be a lot of anger on this thread.

 

OP...why is your wife in school while you are working? I can't remember if you said or not, but is she working too? Is she going to school so she can get a good job at the end of it all and contribute more to the household income?

Why are you working such long hours? Was it that way when you got married?

I'm asking because i know lack of sex is a big issue for you, but it really does sound like there are other issues eating away at you as well.

 

Take some advice from a (relatively) "old timer"...these issues need to be addressed or nothing will change. You both need to sit down together and talk about your respective feelings. Talk to her, in an open and non judgmental way about the things that bother you, and allow her to do the same Give her the chance to tell you how she's feeling about her medical issue and any feelings associated with it. Ask her to do the same for you. If you guys can't do it alone, then get some outside help. Also, see her doctors along with her, and ask him/her any questions you may have and raise your concerns. You may get some answers that are very helpful to you.

 

one more thing , alcohol isn't going to fix anything, and will make it worse. But i know you already know that.

 

best of luck to you:)

[zengirl]

At the time my endometriosis was at its worst, I was seeing a guy who couldn't care less. So I gritted through the pain and still had sex....

 

ES, it's terrible you felt you had to do that. I hope if you were in the same situation in future you'd dump any guy who would expect that of you, honestly. No one should expect someone to 'grit through the pain.'

[The Blue Knight]

Noticed this posting and one entitled:

 

My Wife Calls Me a pervert for wanting sex every day

 

both "new users" posted on the 12th have had no return replies from the OPs. Trolls perhaps?