I hate my sexless marriage

[soserious1]

People who CHOOSE MARRIAGE have responsibility to each other.

 

I can't really believe that you can't, or won't see this.

 

It's too bad that this hit them in the first year of their marriage, but married people WiLL go through times like this (where one is sick and not "providing" sex) over and over again. Whether they are the "breadwinner" or not has little if anything to do with it.

 

And I have asked you to name a source of support for the husband, all you've come back with is more work for him, along with a heaping dose of guilt..

 

I'm thinking if the husband should become "too sick' to continue paying her bills, that the response to that wouldn't be nearly as supportive in his favor.

[zengirl]

Perhaps the husband should seek counseling, if he feels he needs additional support in this time. Many partners and caregivers of someone who is chronically ill do.

 

The truth is: Marriage isn't just for healthy, happy times. The OP's life sounds frustrating, but so does his spouse's. I think it all really depends on whether or not his wife will get help or not---and yes, he may need to help her get help. That's a spouse's job.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Okay, he can go to a men's support group. Or a therapist. Or church. His family. Friends. And he IS getting support here - though it's more geared towards supporting the marriage than supporting him personally with his very short term problem.

 

I'm sorry, but a guy with a sick wife getting ****faced and having a big self pity rant is understandable, certainly, but I don't feel tremendously sorry for him.

 

I also don't pity "breadwinners." A person chooses that role for him or her SELF.

 

My father supported my mother and our whole family throughout our lives, BUT, at the beginning of their marriage, before any kids, she worked full time and over time as a nurse to get him through medical school, his residencies and internship.

 

He was worn out and also a very demanding guy. I bet he didn't take care of her "needs" very much, in fact, I know that she was still doing the traditional "wife" stuff like cooking, etc.

 

(My parents were not an ideal couple or parents, and there were pretty serious problems along the way, but I keep using them as examples because they are pertinent to the situation AND they remained married until they died - they took it very seriously).

 

This couple has evidently agreed between them that he will work and put her through school. This may well be for a long term goal of theirs - it should be - not to "spoil" her. If he hates it, it's not her fault.

 

And it has NO bearing on whether she needs to suck it up and do something sexual with him if she truly is seriously ill. Separate issues entirely.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

I'm thinking if the husband should become "too sick' to continue paying her bills, that the response to that wouldn't be nearly as supportive in his favor.

 

If she came on here drunk, whining, angry and full of self pity and "wanting to die" because he could not continue to pay HER (what happened to "their"?) bills, or take care of her sexually due to serious illness? Are you kidding? I sure don't think she'd be getting any support at all. She'd be told to go to work and help him get well, and stop being a selfish ass.

[soserious1]

Perhaps the husband should seek counseling, if he feels he needs additional support in this time. Many partners and caregivers of someone who is chronically ill do.

 

The truth is: Marriage isn't just for healthy, happy times. The OP's life sounds frustrating, but so does his spouse's. I think it all really depends on whether or not his wife will get help or not---and yes, he may need to help her get help. That's a spouse's job.

 

No,no counseling would eat into the hours he has left over to scurry home to cook, clean & caretake for his wife after putting in his 80 hour work week.

 

What about seeing his own medical Doctor to begin injections to chemically castrate himself? Do you think that would be an okay solution?

[soserious1]

If she came on here drunk, whining, angry and full of self pity and "wanting to die" because he could not continue to pay HER (what happened to "their"?) bills, or take care of her sexually due to serious illness? Are you kidding? I sure don't think she'd be getting any support at all. She'd be told to go to work and help him get well, and stop being a selfish ass.

 

What do you think of chemical castration? the OP could visit his Doctor to give him injections like the ones given to sexual offenders. Then he can devote his entire life to providing,cooking, cleaning & caretaking and his wife won't ever have to concern herself at all with any of his needs, just banish all those pesky, selfish sexual desires & he'll be an ideal husband.

 

Sorry but I got the feeling the OP was at his wit's end & in a weak moment posted here, instead of cheating & instead of bothering his wife and think he deserves better treatment than he's gotten here for the most part.

Edited March 13, 2012 by soserious1

[zengirl]

No,no counseling would eat into the hours he has left over to scurry home to cook, clean & caretake for his wife after putting in his 80 hour work week.

 

What about seeing his own medical Doctor to begin injections to chemically castrate himself? Do you think that would be an okay solution?

 

I would never suggest that solution. Certainly men and women, throughout time, have had to 'deal' with dry spells in their sex lives, and I think a chronic illness, especially one linked to sexuality and excruciatingly painful, like the OP's wife has, is an understandable reason not to be up for sex, personally.

 

The suggestions that he help her get well and ameliorate the condition are sound for saving the marriage. You seem more interested in assigning blame to the wife, rather than actually presenting advice or insight that might help him improve his marriage. You also seem to be fixating on the 80-hour workweek, rather than the actual problems (he misses her and their sexual relationship; she's ill) presented in the OP. I'm not even sure if the OP enjoys his work or hates it or whose idea it was for them to set up this financial situation. But their marriage isn't sexless because of his job---it's sexless because of a very real and painful illness that needs to be properly treated and probably some additional depression she legitimately and chemically has that's complicating her disease and her life.

 

The OP's best hope of improving his marriage is to approach this problem with her, as a team (as carhill said), and try to get her the treatment she needs. For her, that might mean postponing college; for him, that might mean trying to cut back on work or working out a schedule. For both of them, it might mean cutting corners financially. I'm not sure how they can work it out without a lot more information. But if the OP's wife really has a chronic disease that is impacting her life, I think he owes it to her -- as her husband -- to help and encourage her treatment.

 

That doesn't mean he cannot rely on his support systems for his own mental health, but expecting a chronically ill partner to have sex or express her sexuality with you is an extreme expectation, IMO. Expecting her to try to get better and being willing to help her seems reasonable to me.

[soserious1]

I would never suggest that solution. Certainly men and women, throughout time, have had to 'deal' with dry spells in their sex lives, and I think a chronic illness, especially one linked to sexuality and excruciatingly painful, like the OP's wife has, is an understandable reason not to be up for sex, personally.

 

The suggestions that he help her get well and ameliorate the condition are sound for saving the marriage. You seem more interested in assigning blame to the wife, rather than actually presenting advice or insight that might help him improve his marriage. You also seem to be fixating on the 80-hour workweek, rather than the actual problems (he misses her and their sexual relationship; she's ill) presented in the OP. I'm not even sure if the OP enjoys his work or hates it or whose idea it was for them to set up this financial situation. But their marriage isn't sexless because of his job---it's sexless because of a very real and painful illness that needs to be properly treated and probably some additional depression she legitimately and chemically has that's complicating her disease and her life.

 

The OP's best hope of improving his marriage is to approach this problem with her, as a team (as carhill said), and try to get her the treatment she needs. For her, that might mean postponing college; for him, that might mean trying to cut back on work or working out a schedule. For both of them, it might mean cutting corners financially. I'm not sure how they can work it out without a lot more information. But if the OP's wife really has a chronic disease that is impacting her life, I think he owes it to her -- as her husband -- to help and encourage her treatment.

 

That doesn't mean he cannot rely on his support systems for his own mental health, but expecting a chronically ill partner to have sex or express her sexuality with you is an extreme expectation, IMO. Expecting her to try to get better and being willing to help her seems reasonable to me.

 

 

So how about this, he decides to accept his lot, he expects NOTHING from his wife whatsoever, he continues working, paying the bills, he steps up his efforts to cook and clean, he moves heaven and earth to wait on her, caretake for her... alleviating her suffering becomes his life's goal

 

But.. he decides to see his own medical doctor, to receive injections that will castrate him in order to relieve him of the burden of his horrible, selfish sexual desires...

 

Would that be okay or is no relief allowed?

[zengirl]

So how about this, he decides to accept his lot, he expects NOTHING from his wife whatsoever, he continues working, paying the bills, he steps up his efforts to cook and clean, he moves heaven and earth to wait on her, caretake for her... alleviating her suffering becomes his life's goal

 

But.. he decides to see his own medical doctor, to receive injections that will castrate him in order to relieve him of the burden of his horrible, selfish sexual desires...

 

Would that be okay or is no relief allowed?

 

I think you're missing the point. While his pity party is not particularly sympathetic, no one is saying the man is wrong for wishing he had a better sex life with his wife. Instead, they're saying it's understandable that they do not, based on her current condition, and suggesting that they work on that condition together.

 

I don't see why he'd prefer injections to just making do for the moment (he can still masturbate; I don't know many men who'd prefer chemical castration to getting themselves off, even though they'd definitely prefer a healthy marital sex life). Sounds risky and unwise to me, and it's certainly not something the OP has ever asked about.

[denise_xo]

So how about this, he decides to accept his lot, he expects NOTHING from his wife whatsoever, he continues working, paying the bills, he steps up his efforts to cook and clean, he moves heaven and earth to wait on her, caretake for her... alleviating her suffering becomes his life's goal

 

But.. he decides to see his own medical doctor, to receive injections that will castrate him in order to relieve him of the burden of his horrible, selfish sexual desires...

 

Would that be okay or is no relief allowed?

 

I really don't know what you are projecting here, but a lot of it definitely isn't coming from this thread. No one here has suggested castration, that he receive injections, or that he cook or clean or generally caretake for her.

 

It has also been made clear several times that the wife, if she has this illness, needs to be proactive in solving her medical issues.

 

What several people have done is try to focus on the actual cause of his predicament, i.e. her illness. If she is sick, getting her treated is likely to directly address the OP's grievances. Several posters who have had the same diagnosis have said that this was indeed the case in their relationships. It is therefore simply not true that no one has focussed on relief for the OP.

[soserious1]

I think you're missing the point. While his pity party is not particularly sympathetic, no one is saying the man is wrong for wishing he had a better sex life with his wife. Instead, they're saying it's understandable that they do not, based on her current condition, and suggesting that they work on that condition together.

 

I don't see why he'd prefer injections to just making do for the moment (he can still masturbate; I don't know many men who'd prefer chemical castration to getting themselves off, even though they'd definitely prefer a healthy marital sex life). Sounds risky and unwise to me, and it's certainly not something the OP has ever asked about.

 

A better sex life? They have ZERO sex life for the past 1 year with no relief in sight.

 

Oh and masturbation isn't acceptable Zengirl! even without the use of porn it might make his wife feel badly & he'd be a selfish lout for doing that .

[zengirl]

Oh masturbation isn't acceptable Zengirl! even without the use of porn it might make his wife feel badly & he'd be a selfish lout for doing that .

 

Are you feeling particularly angry about something today? I really don't understand the ire.

 

At any rate, I didn't see any indication in the OP that the man was not permitted to masturbate. (That DOES seem unreasonable, even without a chronic illness in the family.) Nor am I suggesting it will make him miss his wife and their sex life less---I understand why he misses that and can empathize with that, BUT I don't think the answer is for her to suck it up through the searing pain of her chronic illness and pleasure him. I think it's for her illness to be treated, for him to be patient, and for them to approach it as a team, rather than assigning unnecessary blame and acting out of anger/frustration.

[soserious1]

I really don't know what you are projecting here, but a lot of it definitely isn't coming from this thread. No one here has suggested castration, that he receive injections, or that he cook or clean or generally caretake for her.

 

It has also been made clear several times that the wife, if she has this illness, needs to be proactive in solving her medical issues.

 

What several people have done is try to focus on the actual cause of his predicament, i.e. her illness. If she is sick, getting her treated is likely to directly address the OP's grievances. Several posters who have had the same diagnosis have said that this was indeed the case in their relationships. It is therefore simply not true that no one has focussed on relief for the OP.

 

I'm looking at practical support and options to help a man dealing with the fact that he's married & basically forced into celibacy through no fault of his own, looking for solutions that will help HIM cope through what might well be years of this.

 

Getting injections would make his burden easier as they would remove the curse of those pesky, selfish sexual desires of his & would give him a bit of peace in his day to day life.

[soserious1]

Are you feeling particularly angry about something today? I really don't understand the ire.

 

At any rate, I didn't see any indication in the OP that the man was not permitted to masturbate. (That DOES seem unreasonable, even without a chronic illness in the family.) Nor am I suggesting it will make him miss his wife and their sex life less---I understand why he misses that and can empathize with that, BUT I don't think the answer is for her to suck it up through the searing pain of her chronic illness and pleasure him. I think it's for her illness to be treated, for him to be patient, and for them to approach it as a team, rather than assigning unnecessary blame and acting out of anger/frustration.

 

Why Zengirl, you're being amazingly insensitive to the poor wife! If the OP masturbates to relieve his sexual tension it will only serve to remind her of her illness & make her feel badly about herself! It will be yet another example of how uncaring the OP is.

 

Why isn't seeking chemical castration via injections okay? Could it be because it might actually make a husband's life easier to live?

[Nightsky]

You're not doing any one favors especialy yourself to work 80 hours a week at something that is litterally killing you. Find a good counselor that you and your wife can go to and talk about sex. Thats just step and don't worry beyond that. Set it up for this week or weekend.

 

You need to work hard for yourself. If you work toward something you love like a business you're starting or an invention, or book or what ever is your dream you'll be happy. Obviously reality means you need to pay bills or be on charity. So figure that out. Feel free to tell your wife she'll have to take out loans or work a job to pay for her college. You shouldn't be her free ride if its making you want to kill yourself. She should be workin 80 hours a week if thats her dream. or she could just take out loans what ever. Really she should have a part time 20-30 hour a week job. You should find a way to work more normal hours or work 80 hours at something that you love.

[zengirl]

Why Zengirl, you're being amazingly insensitive to the poor wife! If the OP masturbates to relieve his sexual tension it will only serve to remind her of her illness & make her feel badly about herself! It will be yet another example of how uncaring the OP is.

 

Why isn't seeking chemical castration via injections okay? Could it be because it might actually make a husband's life easier to live?

 

I'm not actually saying it's "not okay" (I really don't know) but I think it's a very weird thing to suggest to an internet stranger. I would never suggest a man chemically castrate himself. That seems insensitive and strange.

 

I don't think the wife can much forget her illness---that's part of the problem. I hope she finds some way to ameliorate it, and the marriage can be improved. I'm not sure why you find that impossible. Tons of people ride out chronic illnesses (often accompanied by long dry spells) and have happy marriages afterwards.

[denise_xo]

I'm looking at practical support and options to help a man dealing with the fact that he's married & basically forced into celibacy through no fault of his own, looking for solutions that will help HIM cope through what might well be years of this.

 

Well, the following suggestions have been made, which IMO are pretty constructive:

 

- that they seek out marital counselling

- that he should be direct and honest with his wife in terms of how the situation is making him feel

- requesting from the wife that she makes her health issues her main priority, and temporarily give up her studies if necessary

- individual counselling

 

There are lots of posts here that express sympathy with the OP and his situation. There also seems to be many people saying that the underlying cause can be addressed medically, which presumably must be good news to him.

 

What would you suggest to the OP?

[soserious1]

Well, the following suggestions have been made, which IMO are pretty constructive:

 

- that they seek out marital counselling

- that he should be direct and honest with his wife in terms of how the situation is making him feel

- requesting from the wife that she makes her health issues her main priority, and temporarily give up her studies if necessary

- individual counselling

 

There are lots of posts here that express sympathy with the OP and his situation. There also seems to be many people saying that the underlying cause can be addressed medically, which presumably must be good news to him.

 

What would you suggest to the OP?

 

If I were the OP two appointments would be made today

 

1. to a qualified OB/GYN for confirmed diagnosis & to have treatment options laid out (I suspect that the OP has never met with his wife's doctor and has no idea about the illness or what her options are)

 

2. Marriage Counseling - if indeed the wife is too ill & in so much pain that even the thought of showing her husband any sort of attention or affection (sexual or otherwise) is out of the question, then IMHO she should drop out of school as it would be too much of a physical burden for her. I would be telling her this in marriage counseling and telling her that I am formally withdrawing my fiscal support for her college degree in order to fuel the money towards her medical care and treatment.

 

In short, all other goals & desires are cancelled till every avenue that could help his wife to feel better physically have been explored.

[denise_xo]

If I were the OP two appointments would be made today

 

1. to a qualified OB/GYN for confirmed diagnosis & to have treatment options laid out (I suspect that the OP has never met with his wife's doctor and has no idea about the illness or what her options are)

 

2. Marriage Counseling - if indeed the wife is too ill & in so much pain that even the thought of showing her husband any sort of attention or affection (sexual or otherwise) is out of the question, then IMHO she should drop out of school as it would be too much of a physical burden for her. I would be telling her this in marriage counseling and telling her that I am formally withdrawing my fiscal support for her college degree in order to fuel the money towards her medical care and treatment.

 

In short, all other goals & desires are cancelled till every avenue that could help his wife to feel better physically have been explored.

 

Yes, I think pursuing the medical route combined with MC would be the best way forward (and to be fair, is what a lot of other posters here have suggested). As someone else said further up, it seems that in addition to the medical issues, there is a communicative break down at play here as well (although it's hard to tell as we have quite limited information).

[zengirl]

If I were the OP two appointments would be made today

 

1. to a qualified OB/GYN for confirmed diagnosis & to have treatment options laid out (I suspect that the OP has never met with his wife's doctor and has no idea about the illness or what her options are)

 

2. Marriage Counseling - if indeed the wife is too ill & in so much pain that even the thought of showing her husband any sort of attention or affection (sexual or otherwise) is out of the question, then IMHO she should drop out of school as it would be too much of a physical burden for her. I would be telling her this in marriage counseling and telling her that I am formally withdrawing my fiscal support for her college degree in order to fuel the money towards her medical care and treatment.

 

In short, all other goals & desires are cancelled till every avenue that could help his wife to feel better physically have been explored.

 

Well, sure, but . . . This is hardly different from what most of the posters who you're arguing with here have suggested. So why the fuss?

 

Treatment and MC are definitely good options.

[soserious1]

Well, sure, but . . . This is hardly different from what most of the posters who you're arguing with here have suggested. So why the fuss?

 

Treatment and MC are definitely good options.

 

Because there seems to be scant empathy for a married 22 year old who's stuck in a sexless marriage through no fault of his own.

 

He's 22, in his biological sexual prime, that he's stayed faithful & tried to be supportive is pretty amazing considering his age. I don't see any kudos for those behaviors nor any suggestions to help him cope with suppressing sexual urges that must be driving him crazy.

 

Remember porn & masturbation would only serve to make his wife feel guilty & inadequate so those options are out.

[zengirl]

Because there seems to be scant empathy for a married 22 year old who's stuck in a sexless marriage through no fault of his own.

 

He's 22, in his biological sexual prime, that he's stayed faithful & tried to be supportive is pretty amazing considering his age. I don't see any kudos for those behaviors nor any suggestions to help him cope with suppressing sexual urges that must be driving him crazy.

 

Remember porn & masturbation would only serve to make his wife feel guilty & inadequate so those options are out.

 

Who said the bolded? Frankly, hubby and I have a pretty active sex life, but he can still masturbate if he likes (or look at porn if he wanted, though I don't think he has) and I still do once and awhile. I didn't realize all married people swore to stop touching themselves. *Shrug* Seems a weird conclusion to jump to.

 

I think his situation is unfortunate, but I do find it odd that he's getting wasted and throwing pity parties that include calling it a "miracle disease." So, while I think his situation is unfortunate, I'm not sure he's doing the best he truly can, nor do I think his wife is a villain. You seem keen on finding blame; I think he'd be better served by looking for solutions.

[soserious1]

Who said the bolded? Frankly, hubby and I have a pretty active sex life, but he can still masturbate if he likes (or look at porn if he wanted, though I don't think he has) and I still do once and awhile. I didn't realize all married people swore to stop touching themselves. *Shrug* Seems a weird conclusion to jump to.

 

I think his situation is unfortunate, but I do find it odd that he's getting wasted and throwing pity parties that include calling it a "miracle disease." So, while I think his situation is unfortunate, I'm not sure he's doing the best he truly can, nor do I think his wife is a villain. You seem keen on finding blame; I think he'd be better served by looking for solutions.

 

Oh I totally understand why he got wasted & posted here. I know what it's like to be in a sexless marriage, I know all about the shame that comes with that status, how isolating it is.. there's really nobody "safe" to talk to or vent to in real life about such a problem.

 

It also sounds like this young man calls it a "miracle disease." because the problem appeared immediately after the first bite of the wedding cake. He didn't give us a ton of info but I strongly suspect he's never met with his wife's medical team & perhaps he suspects she's being less than truthful with him as to the status of her health.

[zengirl]

Oh I totally understand why he got wasted & posted here. I know what it's like to be in a sexless marriage, I know all about the shame that comes with that status, how isolating it is.. there's really nobody "safe" to talk to or vent to in real life about such a problem.

 

It also sounds like this young man calls it a "miracle disease." because the problem appeared immediately after the first bite of the wedding cake. He didn't give us a ton of info but I strongly suspect he's never met with his wife's medical team & perhaps he suspects she's being less than truthful with him as to the status of her health.

 

If she is lying about her chronic disease, then I suggest they divorce. That does not seem healthy. However, her age seems about when she would be diagnosed, and it seems reasonably likely she really does have a disease, and if he doubts her and she DOES have a disease and resents her and she DOES have a disease, then he's not acting like a supportive partner.

 

At any rate, I don't think him getting drunk and venting is the end of the world, but I think vilifying her is absolutely odd. Hopefully OP will take some of the great advice in the thread to do his part to help the marriage, and hopefully his wife will be open to doing her part as well. I think he does need to understand that sacrificing your sex life is something most people would do for a chronically ill partner---at least most people who choose to stay and honor their vows.

[soserious1]

If she is lying about her chronic disease, then I suggest they divorce. That does not seem healthy. However, her age seems about when she would be diagnosed, and it seems reasonably likely she really does have a disease, and if he doubts her and she DOES have a disease and resents her and she DOES have a disease, then he's not acting like a supportive partner.

 

At any rate, I don't think him getting drunk and venting is the end of the world, but I think vilifying her is absolutely odd. Hopefully OP will take some of the great advice in the thread to do his part to help the marriage, and hopefully his wife will be open to doing her part as well. I think he does need to understand that sacrificing your sex life is something most people would do for a chronically ill partner---at least most people who choose to stay and honor their vows.

 

I just felt for the kid, I know how dark & lonely it is to "honor your vows" how it feels to see happy couples everywhere & to know when you go home that night that all that will be waiting for you there is work, worry & blame, there will be no warmth, no affection at home for you.

 

I remember trying to think of even ONE person in real life that I could safely confide in about my sexless marriage & finding nobody going online to seek help. I remember being asked about my weight, accused of "letting myself go" told that I emasculated my partner by fiscally supporting him.. in short not only blamed for the lack of sex but made to feel ashamed for desiring it in the first place as if turning off sexual desire was as easy as flipping a light switch.

 

 

It was a dark, very lonely place to have to live & my heart just went out to the OP here.